you are a church filled with hymns
the voices of sinners
humming in unison
the tears that fall
in remembrance
of every transgression
forgive us, Father
we are so lost
we've no idea what we are doing
i am only apologies
draped over soft bone
a false pretense
that dead flowers only
need more watering
press the petals to my lips
i want to be soft like this
i want to be beautiful
like this
i lost my words
in a strangers mouth
outside of a sanctuary
and my throat still burns
from the alcohol
i bet i'd be easier to love
if i pulled out my teeth
so my bluff would always
be worse than my bite
rosy bruises unkind
to my knees
yet i preach
humble me, humble me, bring me
as low as i need to be
to feel the earth shake
when i hear your name
i am but a nervous spirit
chewing my skin back
i just wanted there to be
less of me
i just want to look
less like me

we've taken our salvation into our own hands
it's no wonder we've turned to worshipping alcohol and ***
you see, the Godless are never truly godless
we just become our own gods
wrap every beautiful thing around your wrists
draping like precious stones
until it becomes unholy
we bruise any purity with our splintered hands
raising our empty buildings
cathedrals where we all stand
we pledge our allegiance
to "self"
and to flags
adopting false idols
raising them to be like us
until they start looking just like us
well, a god just like me would be a fearsome being
that god would have killed everybody
including itself
inheriting my self-destructive tendencies
i've built myself up so much
in my attempt to feel worthy
it's a wonder my spine doesn't snap
from all the weight
an altar with one too many golden statues adorned
wasn't i supposed to be past everything
wasn't i supposed to be reborn
i guess we're never so far from our mortality
that we can truly be safe without our boundaries

can i be close to You again
or have i ruined myself so much
that You don't even recognize me
sometimes i don't even recognize
myself when i look into the mirror
my dearest friend
i want to come back home
but i'm not sure i'm welcomed
there anymore
if i could just hold on to
the hem of your coat
maybe i'd go back to who i used to be
maybe the familiar feeling would awaken that faith inside of me
i used to have a sense of freedom
within Your arms
i wanted to stay there
i didn't want to leave
i know these past few years
i've adopted a lot of self destructive tendencies
as if they were my family
they all live with me and
god, how they run me into the ground
it's the voice singing me to sleep
when no one else is around

i've got bandages over my rib cage
just beneath the skin
a thick, foreign material holding it all together
the silk ribbons i've tied over soft bone
in my attempt to compensate for the lack of
beauty in this frame  
this heart is so worn out i wonder
how it doesn't stop
even when it's breaking
it is beating
it's keeping rhythm
it's got the names of everyone i'm missing
tucked inside it's valves
i've got spirits of lost love haunting all it's halls
let my chest cavity be the church
the resting place in the body
i hear low voices singing sad hymns in unison
echoing against it's walls
bury me beneath the dust and rock in the mountains
so my God can carve me out of the marble
and i can start again
maybe i could make it through
without my bruised up skin

you put me through hell, and expected me to be grateful for it.

"thank you" for tearing me down.

"thank you" for making me feel ***** for everything you did.

I prayed to God like I was guilty of your sin.

I still scrub my hands in scolding showers in all my attempts to feel clean again.

and to think I asked for your forgiveness for all the ways I tried to feel whole again.

go ahead and tell all your friends about how I am such a cold, unfeeling woman.

I've cut ties with everyone I used to call my friends.

the ones who said they loved me, but were nowhere to be found when I needed them.

well, the blind will follow the blind, and that's the way it has always been.