Today I told someone that I have dignity and self worth...I lied

I catch a glimpse of skin,
Smooth and untouched,
As her shirt rides up
Revealing an expanse of milky surface
And I get an itch to bite it, mark it,
Watch red blossom up and out
Spreading underneath the layer.


I avert my gaze when she speaks,
Tune out the noise,
As my mind wanders back , imagining
A kiss upon the reddened patch
On her hipbone, the contrast
Sharp and painful
Enough to draw out a hiss


Only to transform into a sigh,
At the caress of my tongue,
Shy strokes tracing
The imprint left by my teeth:
A possessive act, marking
My territory.


The shimmer beneath your gaze,
As I return from my fool's paradise
Makes me wonder if you know,
And I wait
For you call me on it,
To reach out, or
Turn away in disgust.


But you don't,
And I am left
Disappointed, suspended,
Still waiting

Laying in an ice cold room,
IV in my hand,
I close my eyes and plead with god
Trying to understand .

" im sorry we cant save it ,
But theres a chance that you could die;
I know your in a lot of pain
And Its ok to cry ".

I feel my husband squeeze my arm,
Im trembling in fright  ,
Im sad and im defeated
And I dont have that much fight .

" Your bleeding into your belly
We need to operate right now ,
Continue to be strong for us "...
.....But i just dont know how.

A foggy conversation ,
And their whisking me away ,
My eyelids get real heavy
And i just start to pray.

Waking up to quiet ,
Im tired and im sore ,
Depressed without a baby
On the maternity floor.

God must have a plan for me
That i just can not see ;
Even through our struggles
Whats meant to be ...
Will be .

two months and the pain hasn't lessened,
buried in the scars is some kind of lesson-
people tend to change,
and love sometimes fades,
so far, love hasn't made a great impression.

i could see in your eyes, you wouldn't let her go,
you had touched every part of her-at the time i didn't know.
two and a half years, and this was the end of the show,
two and a half years, we finally let go.

my mind wants to hate you, but my conscious wishes you well,
some days i get along fine and other days feel like hell-
only time can erase the pain,
only ignorance can make me sane,
all the same, such a story with no one to tell.

until you, my dear, took the time to listen to my plight,
stood by my side and comforted me in my biggest fight.
and now your heartbeat gently soothes me to sleep at night,
two and a half years, and happiness has never felt so right.

is it pain?
when you have the desire to touch someone you love
and to feel the electricity goes around your body
burning like golden flames inside your veins
but you know you just can't do it?

is it pain?
when you admire their pretty starry eyes
that shines so bright like a sunlight peeks around it
and you always pray they will turn around to find your eyes
and to catch your locked gaze,
but you know they will not do it?

is it pain?
when a one look of their eyes
suddenly reminds you with your old favorite songs
and a beautiful movie scene
and a love poetry or maybe old love letters
but you know they do not feel the same?

*and the pain goes through my fingertips
until the deep heartstrings of mine
until the white fragile bones of mine
and my eyes are numb
and all I know
is
just
pain.

September,
****** September,
Do you remember,
Oh do you remember?
How she did surrender,
Her soul so tender.
September you monster,
****** monster.
Oh how you tossed her,
How I lost her.
September,
****** September.
Do you remember?
Oh do you remember.