In the room
where
we became
one

I give you
up
and
let you
down

6 years
old
this
love of (y)ours

again.
IknowImsorry. again.
and I don’t know
if you
can carry us anymore

I push it all down
until it rises and bursts
untold history of bitter pain
it all rises up again

I hid your toothbrush in the cupboard
Its sight startled me
wrenching me useless and weak

(I’ve only been drinking water unable to eat)

I need to hold back
I know

Let the pain play its course

Even if I wanted I couldn’t go back to you

You’re too headstrong
You’ve always been
Never understanding my
idiosyncrasy

Love. The drug.
Peddle pushing ****.
Chest pains.
More, ******* more.
Than I deserve.
Inconsistent at best.
And nervous.
And sad.
And I would make you love me,
but disappoint more,
Had I the body and shine,
to light your golden face
I would give up all that I’ve earned
these past 6 years.

But it helps to know,
I’m not too far gone
That my heart still beats,
and hurts
and my stomach tightens,
making me sick.

If I could I’d catch a plane,
leave this ******* city.
I’d run away just to return to you.
And I know you’re too pretty,
for me
Makes me want you more.
I’ve missed this feeling.
It feels like living.
In a city created to repress.

Counting down the week like its my last chance to feel like this again.

Choices and voices and speaking and words
Will hurt you more than I can bear
I want you to be free of me
Breaking your heart can never be fair

Not sure if I’ve ****** everything up
Certainly feels like a world of pain
Is headed my way
Today

your sound reverberates off these walls
the light rays refracting off the rotten warm wood
nobody can say how long they stood
or what they held
so dear
let go

Hot Durban nights.
Naked in the pool.
The Blue Waters.
Ebbing.

Next door, my grandfather tried to hold on to. His wife. Thirsty for oxygen. As I slide off the tilting roof, holding its water as it cast me off.
Into the nearby sea.
You muffled my coughs. The taste of Vicks still won't leave my mouth. But it's one of my fondest memories.

(By the bar where the Rwandan directors smoked dope.
Late night discussions the foolish call art.)

You, me and &*^%.
Your tattoos and little *******.
I thought were perfect.
Modelled after martinis we'd never drink.

(My broken phone kept calling Kote.
Kote panicked with this unknown.
Suspicious of coups.)

The hand cloth towel slipped off your body.
The pool water dripping onto the sheets.

(Our saviour in the township on that night we tempted fate, re-enacting rapes, the terrifying 12 left us, and her girlfriend tried to kiss me, alone in the car)

You walked into my hotel room.
Fourth floor.
You took the bible from the draw.
Fourth floor.
You threw it with a flick.
Fourth floor.
Then you ****** my
Fourth floor
And I fell
Fourth floor




asleep.

My blood has calcified.
I can't recall when, but you don't notice the saglines.
Until it's too late.
The pulse no longer pops at appropriate times.
You can't trace my bloodlines.
Somewhere along the way I was drip dried.
Out the eyes last I recall.
The pain, which I thought would never go away, has left me numb. And dumb. And broke. alone.
And it extends, in troubling ways, to those whose blood still beats and boils.

My blood has calcified.
I no longer feel alive.

The people party

The night goes on
Friends pass out in basement rooms
Those ******* in the garden
Stop by to say hello
The moon wanes
As I watch my girlfriend from afar
People glide and I stare
The spilt sticky floors
Can't stop them
Cold vicious air
They won't feel the change
Tarred up lungs
It goes on and on

It won’t stop

The wild partying had turned into something fierce, a roaring creature off the leash, spitting fire and

acid out of its own corroding mouth, the vibes were different the trip had turned,we took to hiding

in our cars while the harsh soaking rain fell, people trying to break into our car while we slept,

standing, facing away from the car while their hand snaked behind their backs, slithering blindly to

the cold smooth handle, they gave the handle a squeeze and we thought about opening the door

and grabbing one while they were doing this, their friends running off screaming as their friend

disappeared into the dark abyss