I know what it is I need
It has to be something I never had before
It doesn’t have to be new
It doesn’t have to be old
It isn’t famous
It isn’t anonymous
It isn’t expertise
It isn’t legalese
It only has to be

It doesn’t have to be from me
I don’t want it to be from me
Unless that is where it comes from

I want it be something that is awake
And not from a dream
Especially a dream I already had
It can be early
It can be late
There is nothing special about the time
Except that I need it now
Maybe it’s about acceptance
Or the impossibility of forgiveness
But it can’t be something I can hold
Or something I can see
It can only be something I can feel
I’ve seen enough
I’ve heard enough
It’s time for it to take shape on the inside
I’ve thought enough
I’ve cried enough
It’s time for it to show to others on the outside

What’s that you said?
Did you see that?

I just missed it

That’s where it is
In a glance
Or a sigh
Or being late
Or leftovers I forgot to eat
Or losing my train of thought
Or a fire fly
That’s where it is
The instant before it’s gone
But I only know it as leaves
I only know it as a goodbye
I only know it as heartbreak
I only know it when the song ends
I only know it when you die

There is a natural worth to regret
It’s the only way I can learn sometimes
It’s not a prophet
It’s only a recourse
But I must first recognize that it exists
Before it happens
And in the way smoke becomes clear again
Or how a spark from a flame becomes the night
I to want to transform myself into a paradox of being
Folded into the world around me
Becoming what is good about it
Becoming its strength to accept my flaws
Day after day

That is what I want
Because in the clash of opposites
I instead shall become the world
And not its conflict
Not its ego
Not its destruction
Only its soil
Only its atmosphere
Only its ocean
Only its mountain
Only its life

Hey you underneath that hat
I just want to know
Why are you looking at me like that
I’m not gonna’ ask
I don’t want to put you on the spot
But I’ve sent enough hints
For the other shoe to drop

Hey you always walking away
I just want to know
What kind of man makes you stay
I’ll never know
Unless I start acting different
But I have to be who I am
Not always against the current

Hey you waiting for another day
I just want to know
How long do we have left to pray?
It’s too easy to be alone
Beauty is cold in the shade  
A broken heart before we meet
Is not why you were made

Hey you playing in my head
I just want to know
When will you be in my arms instead
I like to think about it
But I need you closer now
Why can’t we just say yes
Is it that we don't know how?

What I decided to tell you
Is a true story
Fairy tales only give hope
And life must have it's disappointments

We knew each other once
Did you think I would stay the same?
I was just getting started
The arrow never lost its arc

You weren’t sure about me then
But you can forget the past
I left it behind long ago
I can’t get hung up on all that

Every word that comes to mind
Is about freedom
I can’t pretend to be any different
It’s the only way you’ll finally know

I know it should be so simple
Boy loves girl till death do us part
But sometimes the way the winds blow
I can no longer find my own heart

There are so many words to say
I need to make them heard by you
Can you hear my whisper ringing loud
Inside your life that I will make new

We are not the dying kind of love
But being apart is a crying kind of love
You don’t have to think about it
You don’t have to talk about it
I know it’s what you’re made of

I want to travel a road to anywhere
If we get there we’ll have to plan again
I’d rather a peaceful song of togetherness
Not searching but being with my friend

The balcony sun is worth the moment
But who’s worth the time remaining
It’s someone who has known what’s passed
And forgives the times my mind is raining

We are not the dying kind of love
But being apart is a crying kind of love
You don’t have to think about it
You don’t have to talk about it
I know what you’re made of

My fantasies are not what I want anymore
You can't reach a soul when you think *** is love
I don’t need to tell you how I feel
You saw it in my eyes and it's you I'm thinking of

I moved past a life living under the same roof
How can I make you grow if it's all about me?
Because what you are all about is so good
You talk about us but there is so much more you can be

You can call me baby
I don’t always have to smile
Cry on my shoulder
Go ahead and cry
I know baby
I know

It seems I can only offer someone pain
You give so much and I just take
How can you see anything good in me
When I keep living for my own sake?

I want you to stop being afraid
I’m not anymore
I know you might meet somebody new
The rain might pour
That’s the chance I’m willing to take
Even if he shuts our door
But caring about you forever is what I will do
Even if you don’t call anymore

You can call me baby
I don’t always have to smile
Cry on my shoulder
Go ahead and cry
I know baby
I know

I want to love without need
If pain and fear bring me closer to God
Why can only comfort bring me close to you?
Was I born only to find my sinful nature?
I was not born into a religion
Only a culture
The barrier between myself and myself
I don’t know if I can be cleansed
The prism of my perception won’t let me go
Is there enough time now that I know?
I know I am real
I know because you remember how I hurt you
No matter how much time has passed
I know I am real
Because I can only think of unworthiness
Why would an illusion be so weak?
I wonder if love is only in nature
Not like a doe and a fawn
But in a cloud or a tree
There is so much power that I lack
What human could love like that
Without memory of mistake
Or of grievance
I don’t know that I can do that
I know I am real
I can only love what I need
I don’t want to be like that

There is nothing that I know
I'm not a scientist
Or a holy man
The voice I hear inside my head
Is the only one I own
I cannot see words
Yet something is revealed
In the reflection of leaves
That fall only to be concealed
All I can say is that I understand
And if you would take my hand
I will tell you how I feel
For in the moments when we are afraid
We can only hold one another
And hope that what we hear in our hearts
Is the light from which we are made

She said there are women waiting to love you
How can I when it’s me who must to learn to love
Where I start is where you are if that’s the way
You know in time you will return yourself there

At the bus stop feeling plain but not about to board
I’ve forgotten how it goes but you know that’s it
I wanted to remember being poor ready for the stars
But I tripped over success and it destroyed my mind

There’s a chorus somewhere but who would remember
I don’t want what is easy and small to be the life
You keep looking at me as if I’ve lost my direction
I might sleep with you babe but still I dream alone

Give me the real thing but you’re a girl why would I ask
This time you smile in front of shadows you live behind
You won’t tell me your ******* so you fake another
Watching you walk away is how I love thanks for asking

I read your book
I listened to your radio station
What you forgot about me
Is nothing is just conversation

I'm paying attention
I hear everything you say
When you don't tell me what I want to hear
I figure you meant it that way

You didn't talk about missing me
Or love at the end of the night
I'm not gonna' convince you
You already know if it's right

You might be wanting new
If that's what you want to do
Then be brave this time
Walk alone for once baby
And see if he comes along for you

I know I'm laying in a drawer
And you keep me inside your head
I'm out here and I know you
Love didn't tell you we were dead

I already know what you like
And you're crazier than he knows
Maybe you want him to find out
Maybe you're wearing new clothes

You didn't talk about missing me
Or love at the end of the night
I'm not gonna' convince you
You already know if it's right

You can either open it
Or break it
Either way
I’m  going through the window

You can keep the door locked
Or take it off the hinges
I really don’t care for it anymore
Any more than I care for convention
Or moderation
Or compromise
Or normality
Or civilized behavior

I wish to be known as a wild person
The one with a dent in his car that he won’t fix
The one who’d rather live in one room than in a mansion
The one who could remain silent the entire weekend
A recluse
Unaffected by trends
The man who decides to cross the freeway
On foot

I’m just tired
Tired of small talk
Tired of being the jester
Tired of pretending I give a **** just so I can get laid
Tired of your expectations of me
Tired of worrying if you are bored
Tired of trying to be interesting in a loud room
Tired of watching people set fire to things that require the ability to think
Tired of everyone’s desires

You can have mine
I left them in the room
It’s under the broken glass
I decided not to raise the window
That would be the normal way to do things
Except this isn’t normal
Remember
I’m leaving through the window
So breaking it seemed more appropriate
What’s the point of raising it?
That would seem to be the thing to do
Right?

But that’s the point
I don’t want to do what you expect
Even when I’m doing what you don’t expect
The surprise is within the surprise
As you are pondering what I’m doing
It compounds upon itself
To the point where you say
That’s pretty wild

Yeah
It is

The time had come to settle down
I turned thirty and didn’t like the feeling
I met a young girl who took a liking to me
It was my heart she would soon be stealing
She asked me if I had a girl
I was surprised but I said no
She said, “I’ll be your girl”
I couldn’t believe how quickly she let it show
I’ll never forget you

We got married in five short months
Even though everyone said slow down
But the train left the station
And my worries never made a sound
It was a mistake from the day we met
But we didn’t know until it was too late
She always wanted to talk about God
Even though I never could relate
I’ll never forget you

It didn’t take long for her to become sad
She had left her parents for me
But she really wanted freedom
And didn’t realize it doesn’t come for free
Soon she found someone new
And told me she wished we never met
I said that goes for me too
And slammed the door so I could forget
I’ll never forget you

I was finally getting over her leavin’
I was ready to get on with my life
One night I looked across an upscale bar
And saw another man with my wife
I told my friends what was going on
As she gave me a look that I knew well
They all turned around to stare
One of them said, “What the hell?”
I’ll never forget you

I saw her one day on a downtown street
We were still drawn to one another
She had given me her soul and couldn’t take it back
But she mumbled something about my character
She couldn’t believe I would talk to her
But that I proved her mother right
She said I was a good man
I said a good man can also cause a fight
I’ll never forget you

I didn’t hate her but was glad to move on
I felt bad that our families were hurt
We brought them together and ripped them apart
The wedding was a banquet but divorce was the dessert
I can’t say she was the love of my life
But she planted something inside
I wondered if anyone would have me
I wondered if anyone would be my bride
I’ll never forget you

It happened again and now I’m alone
I think back on what I’ve done
I can’t seem to figure it out
I don’t know if I will ever find the one
The older I get the less I care
About love and having a lady
I wonder if it is too late for me
Sometime I think the answer is maybe
I’ll never forget you

She called me out of the blue
And wanted to talk about our marriage
She asked why I married her
I wondered if she was sending a message
But she only wanted to talk
She was making the same mistakes with her husband
I told her she was a moral woman
And that’s what was needed by all her men
I’ll never forget you

She wanted to know if it was her or an idea
I said I can’t speak for them
But for me I wanted a dream instead of a girl
That was the mistake that I learned from
She seemed puzzled but it was all I could offer
I said go home and ask him how he feels
I told her to love what was true
And not chase a something that wasn’t real
I’ll never forget you

Once I walked the rim
The silence broken by a bell
I could hear it clearly though it was beyond my reach
A sailboat with three masts
Idly part of my horizon

The sails I cannot trim
But the story I can tell
The feeling of a quiet moment with its intent to teach
You know because it lasts
Without any reason

I walk where I’ve been
By listening to a shell
Laying alone washed ashore on a shadowed beach
A life with two pasts
But which to believe in

You believe in him
And now I believe in hell
I can only remember you telling me not to preach
We became two paths
Yours sin, mine religion

The only thing that approaches
is the direction in which you think
You’ve heard every emotion speak
trying to take things too seriously
But the choice now is only about you
and the bottle you decided to drink

I can’t listen to anyone
not when they trample my mind
There is nothing to convince you
except your birth was not like mine

Every woman I know is equal now
but their voices anguish themselves
Don’t talk to me about levels
or the way I held you back
It was nothing but the way we lived
and I’m the one holding a shovel

You have to decide what you are
taking pictures or content to stare
What else can it be when we can’t live
without a memory first before experience
Tell me how you will ever remember
if all that matters is that you were there

I’m going to laugh now
it is not my place to pretend
I ask nothing of you or my son
we are riders without a compass
But what I felt today
was a voice crying to be the one

I've gotten away with a few things
Karma probably noticed
I might've paid for a woman
But not the man on the bridge
She knew my face
He threw coins at mine
Mexico is not for boys
But it once was for sacrilege

I wonder if I've paid my debt to society
I get the bill everyday
I signed up for my lot in life
I drink to heaven or hell, not sure which
It must mean something
I believe in both, that's probably good
I'm in love with my neighbor but that's not it
That's why Jesus won't make me rich

I wonder why I like hard cases so much
I learned more from a maid than a preacher
Enough to want to make her mine
She knows I'm not man enough for her
She won't take my money even for her kids
She don't owe nobody nothing
She made her own deal with God
Trading nails for grace from her savior

The sky,
flattened, tranquil,
like black and white tile;
For a moment,
I thought it was the ocean,
then I realized it was;
the clouds, shaped by the wind,
like white caps
dotting a distant sea,
they seemed the same to me,
though the land upon which I lay
and the air through which I see
could never agree

The cloud,
triumphant, imperial,
like continents dividing the earth;
For a moment,
I thought it was a mountain
then I realized it was;
the clouds, plateaued,
by the weight of the rain,
a gift of honor for the sun
they seemed the same to me,
though the land upon which I climb
and the air that I breathe
would argue endlessly

The star,
bright, ethereal,
like a burning bush revealed;
For a moment,
I thought it was a cross
then I realized it was;
the light, burning
by the prayers we whisper
for love and life,
they seemed the same to me,
while the land upon which I kneel
and the air a flame needs to be
could only watch silently

So you are at a party and are introduced as a poet. And everyone looks at you....

I'm a poet
Not an entertainer
So I depart this stage
And sit next to you
I will be close
Perhaps uncomfortably so
But in order for us to interact
You must be willing to think
Deeply
Perhaps painfully
About life
Or about yourself
And your situation
However it may be
Because when we part
You will be affected
Not by incredible showmanship
But by a quiet moment
You will be alone
With words
And though they are mine
They will soon become yours
Because you and I are the same
And as I draw you near
We will become one
Not as lovers
But as human beings
Who understand each other
Living together
With a feeling
Because you have become a poet too
And now I learn from you
And read as you write
And wish I could write as you do
But that was my intention all along
And I hope you remember me
As I depart your stage
To continue as I was
Before we met
But before you go
I must tell you something
You will think of me
And wonder about us
But I am only good for one thing
Lonely people
Because the way I live
Is within my own mind
And I reach those who want to be reached
But not those who want my attention

I’m willing to sleep in a bed
No matter who makes it
It’s not that I don’t give a ****
Actually I don’t
I believe I’ll wake up anyway

I know more about myself
Maybe that’s why there is no order
I can’t file my thoughts anywhere
So I ask them to stay awake just in case
I think that’s why I’m always tired

I’m checking out now
I’m checking out now
You might not understand it
You might not know how
But I’m checking out
Yea right about now

I’m trying to figure out how to be normal
Whatever that means
I think it’s not falling for too much make-up
Or thinking about somebody’s new car
Maybe it’s just feeling cold when it snows

Being different is just being different
But you can’t think about it
It takes years if you put your mind to it
Then you forget how you used to be
Some people need drugs to do it though

I’m checking out now
I’m checking out now
You might not understand it
You might not know how
But I’m checking out
Yeah right about now

I wish someone would hold ******* up
I’d like to look into their eyes too
Is it just a fad or would they carry a sign
Maybe if they were drafted we would know
But that kind of decision is only for the poor

I don’t have to be twenty to experience the sixties
I wanted us to win the war
I remember a picture of four long hairs
And there was plastic all around
Mine never exploded like Warhol though

I’m checking out now
I’m checking out now
You might not understand it
You might not know how
But I’m checking out
Yeah right about now

If you’re cool enough you can steal a lick
Most people won’t remember it
They just want to feel something
If you look weird they think it’s the future
But you know it’s really just the past

I’m checking out now
I’m checking out now
You might not understand it
You might not know how
But I’m checking out
Yeah right about now

I'm trying to remember
When they told me how to live
I know how to get to heaven
But I don't know how to forgive

Isn't about time somebody said
You're gonna' hurt real bad
You won't be ready for it
You're gonna' be real sad

What am I gonna' do with that
Stop loving my girl
Stop loving life
I can't stop I'm committed
I'm gonna' keep gettin' hurt

I don't care about being a man
I don't care why I'm still alive
I didn't ask for it
I didn't ask for it

I heard about her leaving this place
More beautiful than she knew
She could have lived across the street
Now her mother weeps next to me in a pew

What am I gonna' do with that
Stop believing in God
Stop believing in you
I can't stop I'm committed
I'm gonna' keep gettin' hurt

I want to heal
from the feeling of being misunderstood
It’s not easy
to be yourself when nobody will let you
I could tell them
my dreams are like stormy weather
But they might say
they fade away like the morning dew

I want to feel
the freedom of being who I am
You may remember
but I’m not that person anymore
If you want to live
in a place where the past is about you
Just don’t ask me
because I’m about now and not before

I want to kneel
where I can talk to God all alone
If you stand close
it may be harder on you than on me
I’m not proud of that
it’s just that I had let some things go
Now that I’m able
what I’ve become is the way it will be

I want to steal
things from my former self that I own
What is mine
is the way I will love someone new
What is yours
is the memory of how I loved you
But there is no place
that can tell the lie that I know is true

I’m glad I lost someone that I loved
I’m glad I’ve felt being alone
Love is not about kicking the right leaves in a pile
It’s about the chance to bring them to you
And remember the one you picked
The Fall that you rose again
When you looked at me
It was the way the season knew who you were
Moving towards the next one
The chill was the end of the sunshine
But the colors were the hope of our differences
Until the flat carpet of memory told me so
You just lived a life
But it’s not over
You just became a human being

When I came back
The strange was all I knew
It was my day and night
I thought, “They no longer know you”
But do I know them?
It seems I do not
It takes a God
To understand what a human cannot

~I know it’s true
I’m going to die someday
There’s only a few more hours
Looks like I’ll make it through the day~

When I came down
I tried to talk about it
But nobody understood

~I woke up this morning
Just like I thought I might
Now I’m wondering again
Just like I did last night~

One day you’ll turn your heart around
And your veins will stop the burning madness
And as you let the flowers in your garden grow
The butterflies will begin to ride the cool breeze

~Yes it’s true
I’m going to die someday
I wonder if anyone will remember
It’s so easy to forget yesterday~

When I walked away
I tried to sing about it
But they wouldn’t listen

~I don’t like thinking about it
I’m not sure why I do it so much
It seems everyone’s laughing
But I know that’s just a crutch~

One day you’ll turn your mind around
And your thoughts will turn to gladness
And as you let the soft winds blow
Your children play in the caressing seas

~I don’t like to pretend
I know life isn’t fair
It’s something I dwell on
My ego is no longer there ~

When I woke up
I tried to lay back down
But they wouldn’t let me

~I live in the waiting room
While others run free
I have to take things on faith
There’s not enough time to see~

One day you’ll turn your life around
And your pain will turn to forgiveness
And as you let the world around you know
You finally fall to your knees

~Everyone is a seeker
But is it for God or themselves?
They know not what they do
They reject the fishes and loaves~

What I thought
I tried to forget
But they kept talking

~Did I listen to my Mother?
She tried to give me a key
I could only lock her out
It was only about me~

One day you’ll finally come around
And your actions will turn from selfishness
And as you let the love inside you show
You finally beg her please

~I used to hate work
Now it’s where I live
It makes me feel safe
As long as they like what I give~

When I ran
I tried to slow down
But they wouldn’t stop

~I see denial all around
As people swallow their mortality
It kind of makes me wonder
How they can ignore reality~

One day you’ll turn your heart around
And your mind will stop its restlessness
And as you let the calm inside you flow
The sign on you finally says peace

~Where did I go wrong
Or am I in the right?
It’s so hard to know
I’ll never be Christ-like~

When I came back
The strange was all I knew
It was my day and night
I thought, “They no longer love you”
But do I love them?
It seems I cannot
Sometime it takes a God
To love what a human will not

I knew you before you were even born
It's because our song was always in my heart
I sang alone about our future memories
In my mind you always sang your part

I'm gonna bring you closer
Than you've ever been before
You're finally gonna know
Who your heart was meant for
It's all you're gonna think about
It's all you're gonna be about
I'm gonna bring you closer
Than you've ever been before

Baby you were in love with me
Before you even knew it
But your dreams gave you away
Though your sleepy eyes would not show it

I'm gonna bring you closer
Than you've ever been before
You're gonna finally know
Who your heart was meant for
It's all you're gonna think about
It's all you're gonna be about
I'm gonna bring you closer
Than you've ever been before

She's a girl named destiny
She's about to forget her lonely past
She's not the first girl I've loved
But she's gonna be the last

I'm gonna bring you closer
Than you've ever been before
You're gonna finally know
Who your heart was meant for
It's all you're gonna think about
It's all you're gonna be about
I'm gonna bring you closer
Than you've ever been before

Yes I love you baby
But it seems like nothin' is gettin’ through
I can tell you don’t believe in me
That other man did a number on you

It’s gonna’ take a long time baby
To prove what I’m telling you today
Just try to sleep not thinking of him
In the morning you’ll see I’m here to stay

I know it’s not what I say
But I’m here to stay
I wouldn’t go that far
Just to lose my way
I’m here to stay
I’m here to stay

I was thinking
Maybe you’d be happy the day I die
Then you would know
That what I said today was not a lie

I know we’re older now
There’s not much time will allow
Our hearts almost forgot how
But I’m ready for one more vow
If only you’ll believe in me

You can’t decide
Is it living together or always knowing
But it’s watching the sunset with a smile
Because inside its always glowing

I know it’s not what I say
But I’m here to stay
I wouldn’t go that far
Just to lose my way
I’m here to stay
I’m here to stay

It seems I’ve heard every word
At least every one spoken before I was alive
It’s the fashion that makes the difference
The style of a hat
With a satin band
It can make you remember a word for decades

But who can write with immediacy
You need help
You need it now
Would it be too late
Or too detached

You took the time to write it down
Think about it
It’s an intervention
But it’s not the same as grabbing them by the shoulders

Fear is the prophecy of your own weakness
You wonder if it could be true
Something will happen
Something bad
But is it a warning
Or an inevitability

The clarity of being a true victim cannot be imitated
And the moment before it happens is even worse
Because anything is possible
Any degree of crushing defeat
Even death
But what if it was right
Should you walk on by?

Let someone else say it

Let them say being oppressed is wrong
Let them say being treated unfairly is wrong
Let them say being displaced is wrong
Let them say being made to feel less than human is wrong

Let them say  it

Because it takes anger not to care about yourself
And you’re not angry
Not like that

Selfishness is the mirror of comfort
Having the time to take your picture all day
To think about your weekend
Where you should go
Anything like that
And that is the way I think

It disgusts me

But I made my choice to be careful
I’ve moved beyond feeling blessed
They reached me
It doesn’t seem to mean anything anymore
At least not for anyone except me

And maybe my children

Would it better for them
If I was arrested
If I was tortured
If I  was assassinated

What would I tell God if I died with a smile on my face?

He said life is not a conscience that is satisfied

I miss the sky
I know it’s above me,
held in place by angels hands;
their wings, fluttering
rearranging the clouds
and our lives

I miss the sunset
I know it’s before me,
painted by surrealistic bristles;
it’s edges, softened
by the hands of a man
who cried last night

I miss your love
I know it’s in me
passing through my heart;
like a lost puppy
waiting for you
to come claim it

You know me
And I'm talking to you
There is no reason to pretend
What I say is what I think
There is no difference
It is honesty's blend
Yes
I'm angry
And you know why
Because a child
May lose its mother
And I hear that baby's cry
I relinquish
My right
To live in comfortable bliss
When everyone it seems
Is fighting for their life
And awaiting Peter's kiss
We live in a world
Where bombs explode
To glorify God
And a princess
Is crowned
To create heaven from sod
And for what?
Existence?
God's so-called gift
Bestowed upon us
While through time
And experience we sift
Set in motion
As we wait
And wait
Then
The battle begins
As we curse our fate
We live
In denial
Of our mortality
And of life’s betrayal
Of ourselves
And our personal reality
And of those
Whom we love
And even those
Who we do not know
So I feel nothing
Even though I wear no clothes
In my time
I am becoming
Smaller
My helplessness
Is growing
Larger
I question
More and more
What answers exist?
None can be found
Only demands to ignore
And temptation to resist
Is the afterlife
All that we have?
Or is it the waiting?
Is it a test?
Or is it
Destiny's mating?
Pronounced
As we are laid to rest
But what do we bring
Dead memories
Or a living soul?
It is a song no one can sing
Contentment
Fleeting safe harbor
With change ready for sea
As you look in earnest
For the moment time stole
And who you used to be
Pain
And unhappiness
Sent from the grand brooder
Coming
To sweep away delusion
And re-establish order
The order of reality
The past
A complete story
Mined
For assurance
The days of your glory
In this we revel
Because it is unchanging
Compared to tomorrow
Terrifying and omnipotent
Life rearranging
A mystery of sorrow
How will I depart
This sad place?
In pain?
Or in my sleep?
Will it be in disgrace?
A victim of being vain
Why should I accept
This fate?
Am I so arrogant
To demand
Answers
And be so expectant?
When they were asked
By so many
For a thousand years
You push and pull
Confusing my senses
Reducing me to tears
I open my gifts
And turn to you
In thankful pose
Yet then I see
How my friend lives
Gripped in death's throes
As you
And you alone
Decide her coming fate
Should I be quiet
And let her cope?
While I await
The guillotine
Without question
Must I be silent
As a beautiful friend
Slowly dies
In a way so violent?
While she lives
As never before
I ask why we are not worthy
To live
A mere lifetime
Knowing our fate's story?
Why must it be cut short?
Why must we be consumed
With fear
And live in pain?
Losing a lover
Removed as I draw near
Taken from my life
Or of my friends
By her own hand
Or yours
Plunged into the depths
Where dissent is banned
Where forgetfulness
Covers my body
With your ubiquitous power
My choice
To suffocate
Or rise to the surface for life to devour
Life
Nothing
But hope
Which I cannot understand
Why?
It seems I cannot cope
We are not worthy
We must prove ourselves
Daily
To our maker
Whose bread
We must consume gratefully
However hard
However stale
However moldy
I will not go quietly
Yes
I question God boldly
Are you there?
I defy you now
How can you be so cruel
When you bring suffering
With a mere wisp
For the fool
Of absolution
And a faithful hope
For streets of gold
In a paradise
Longed over
By mankind as it was foretold
And yet
There are no raised dead
Among us all
To tell us
What is in store
Only a book about mankind's fall
Written in another language
From long ago
Yes we cope
Some believe
Others reject
But we meet the challenge with hope
Mankind lives on
Through all manner of plagues
From above
And from within
But we ask
Where is your love?
And who are you?
A myth?
A jealous lover?
How strong can you be
When you bring such random
Acquittal to our brother?
Pardoning our sins
Causing us pain
And suffering
Yes
Anger is in me
As you are smothering
My body
My soul
My mind
With madness
Over your plan
Which I will never find
Strike me down if you live
So everyone else can know
That you are real
Stop asking us to believe
In things that cannot be seen
Our rational self you do steal
Stop preying on our need
To face death
With hope for meaning
Come to me now
Save her life
Spare her children who are kneeling
Spare them
From ghosts in the night
Spare her friend
Of questions
Of shrugging Nihilism
And risking an untimely end
Of living for today
Because tomorrow
Offers nothing
But pain and death
I am not happy
I want to believe in something
I cannot offer hope
To my fellow man
Because I say
You have abandoned us
God
Do you hear me where I lay?
You ask me to hear you
But do you hear me?
Are you there?
Is this another loud plea
That will be met by a storm?
Or is it a mere whisper
That will be met
With silence?
It is your choice
Because we have none
But to live and die
With dignity without a voice
And hope for grace
And yet
We live and perish
With greed
And lust
Because of lives so nightmarish
So we turn to sin
The sin you tempt us with
The sin you created
Holy sin
Too powerful
For the sheep whom you've vacated
What we cannot ignore
We do experience
Not in memory of Jesus
But because
We are alone
He is not among us
But tell me
Are you?
Because it seems
You need my belief
To keep you alive
Even with all your extremes
So who is alone?
Who is powerful?
Who can you see?
Who is real?
Is it you?
Or is it me?


Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved. Mark Lecuona

He supposed he should be grateful
For all that he needed was apparent
Air for life
Roads for travel
Water for drink
And dirt to remind him from where he came

He was not ashamed of his past
It was where all his dreams were born
He could ride a horse
Work with his hands
Love a woman
And live alone no matter by what name

He saw the people with sad faces
Even though they lived their dream
With new cars
Talking on phones
Beautiful homes
But they had already lost the game

They could never imagine love was enough
For a man who left his country for more
For his children
For his wife
For his mother
It is his will to be proud no matter how plain

I made my choices
They are what they were
Good and bad
I know I meant well
I know I made someone sad

I'm not a mystery
If you want to know
Just ask
I am not ashamed
Not of my past

Why would I want to hide?
Maybe it's because I'm tired
I've said so many things
I've thought even more
I'm bored of the song I sing

Maybe I'm just getting started
It took a life to begin again
I know so much
Is it all holding me back?
I need a lighter touch

Staying close to the night
Time was upside down
My eyes open when it's time
Fatigue once told me
I'm the sentence for your crime

Is the world ready for love
I know my children are
Will it hurt or make them mad?
I wish I knew their path
I'm like any other Dad

I'm a light in a cave
It goes deep
But it's not dangerous
The walls are marked
You don't have to be courageous

I can see myself clearly
It's you who is the mystery
Quiet and calm
What are you on the inside?
What does it say on your palm?

I already said I love you
I'll say it a thousand more times
Will it all wear you down
Will you want to hear another voice
So in mine you won't drown?

How soon will I know
Will the book be long enough
To be worth the last page?
I wonder if that is how you think
Or is it day by day as we age?

I can live with who you are
I won't judge the path you were on
How could I when
I was the one
Standing alone at the end?

There is no will power to summon
It's easy to love what is good
There is no temptation anymore
I know what I have now
It's not like anything before

I’m not a loser
I’m just not perfect
I’m not a bad man
I’m just not nice all the time
I’m not weird
I’m just not normal
I’m not strange
I’m just not familiar
I’m not hard
I’m just not easy
I’m not bitter
I’m just not happy all the time
I’m not arrogant
I’m just not humble
I’m not with anyone
I’m just not lonely
I’m not your only lover
I’m just not your first
I’m not what you want me to be
I’m just myself
I’m not worried what you think
I’m just interested in you
I’m not always around
I’m just there when you need me
I’m not meant for anyone
I’m just living my life
I’m not ignoring you
I’m just in my own world sometimes
I’m not leaving
I’m just going to find myself
I’m not gone
I’m just deciding what to do
I’m not afraid
I’m just not sure
I’m not
I’m just

I've got one more life
It's doesn't matter how long
Only that it's true
I don't care if I feel bad
I don't care if I feel sad

I've got one more life
It's because I'm still around
And that's what I came to know
I don't care how long
As long as it's not wrong

It may be my own way of living
I just know that I'm not alone
I just know that I'm not alone

I've got one more life
It's because I figured it out
Nothing matters anymore
I don't care about the past
I don't care about living fast

I've got one more life
It's the only one left
It's the one that's me
I don't care how long
As long as it's not wrong

It may be my own way of living
I just know that I'm not alone
I just know that I'm not alone

There is nothing for me to say
There is nothing for me to do
Because what's left is to listen
And reach my hand out to you

It may be my own way of living
I just know I'm not alone
I just know I'm not alone

I’m not going to conjure up
Rabbits blinded by stage light
Or with nothing up my sleeve
Prove my love will make things right

Even with the many hands of my sins
That I have extended like casting demons away
I was not the sorcerer that made love to you
Instead I was begging your heart stay

I don’t make magic
I only discover it
I’m not full of tricks
Only a shot of wit
Drink if you must
But first you better sit
It may not feel well
So drink only a bit

I am hardened by our world
The mystical nights we shared
Did not obey a man of tricks
Instead I found someone who cared

How perfect it was
We knew by our eyes
It was as true as a trick that lies
A soul mate from stormy skies

I don’t make magic
I only discover it
I carry no bag
That I will admit
Let it happen now
But first we must sit
This time is different
The magic is our spirit

I'm not going to stop thinking about you
   the way I do
No matter if you know
Or care
I’ll still be thinking about you

I'm not going to believe in anything except
   what I know is true
No matter if you lie
Even to me
I’ll believe in what I know to be true

I'm not going to forget the things we did
   when I loved you
No matter if you do
Or don’t
I’ll always remember the things we used to do

I'm not going to be who I was until I hear you say
   you love me too
No matter my life
Or yours
I’ll wait to be myself until you tell me it’s true

It’s hard for me
You look me in the eye
And you want me
But I want the sky
It’s hard for you
You want to drink tea
And be in love
But I want the sea
What you want
Is not me
What I want
You can't see
I want the world
I want life’s problems
I want to think
I want to solve them
You want a quiet moment
And so do I
But you want to relax
While I want to ask why
And then you ask me
Why do you have to be that way?
I don’t know why
It covers me where I lay
I see your frustration
Instead of an oasis
I bring discomfort
And restlessness
I want to dig deep
Into the reservoir of emotion
I want to feel the pain
Of the human condition
You want to escape
You need me to take you there
Instead I push you away
All you can do is sit and stare
I let you in my life
As far as I can
I know it’s not enough
I’m not a companion
Yet you seem drawn
To the pictures I paint
The words are like a movie
You watch while I show no restraint
I want to drink that cup
And show you I can care
But as soon as I sit down
My mind drifts somewhere
And it’s not here
It’s not with you
Even with all your beauty
I still can see through
I see through you
As if you aren’t there
Because in fact you aren’t
You’re gone and I paid the fare
And when I sit alone
And wonder what I’ve done
You will think about me
While you are with another one
Drinking your tea
And being loved
While I suffer over you
And riddles that are unsolved

I'm not going to run
I will leave this place with them
My friends
Yes we know good times
And we think about the end
No matter
Together we will be
What difference can fear make
My heart remains true
Waiting for one another
On the other side
For those who can hold us up
For God to bless again
He told me he knows you
This I believe
He told me he knows you

I know I’m still inside you
You can never move on to another life
I don’t have to do anything about it
Once upon a time
Once upon your heart
Always on your mind

I don’t have to remind you
But I will
I’m still here

It’s as if I went to war
Was branded as a mad man
One who would do anything to survive
Even give you up to another man

And now I’m back
I just want you to know
It’s your choice
But I’m back
I’m back

But I’m not like black smoke in the sky
Choking you and the air you breathe
The wind has changed direction
That’s all

I know I’m still inside you
I made you smile again
You forgot everything except what we have
You know it
I know it
Nothing that happens matters
Except our kindness towards one another
And animals
While we’re together
While they are with us

And then you can go back to your life
But make love to me first
That’s what we love
I know you do
I know I do
That’s all we need
Then I will be inside of you again

Like I was during the war

I saw you by the water’s edge
I was on the other side
I know why you’re looking
It’s the reflection in which you confide

But you’re there for another reason
That’s why your shoes are off
You want to know if it’s cold
I just want to know if it’s soft

I’m not the water baby
I’m not the water
I’m just on the other side
I’m not the water baby
I’m just on the other side

You forgot how to get things started
You’re only thinking about how it might end
I’m not so afraid of losing someone anymore
I just don’t want to hurt another friend

I’m not the water baby
I’m not the water
It just seems that way ‘cause it’s awful wide
I’m not the water baby
I’m waiting on the other side

If you can’t see me for the water
Then watch the sun rise in the morning
If you see a reflection in the light you see
Then you’ll know the water is not me

I’m not the water baby
I’m not the water baby

Don’t be afraid of me
Don’t be afraid of me
Don’t be afraid of me

If I have to be somebody's ex
She gonna' think about regrets
Her friends are gonna' say ****
You walked away from him?

That's right it's gonna' get better
You're gonna' forget her
But she's gonna' remember
Because you didn't let her win

They might think it's over for you
And between you and her it's true
But your life is so much more
It don't matter where you've been

I know why you did it
I know why you quit it
I'm no bargain for a lover
You had to fight for it
And you didn't want to do it
That's what love is about
But the honeymoon was not it
You said I was in charge of it

I can love you desperately
And watch you reject me
Tomorrow will still love me
Yesterday will be your sin

Don't think I didn't feel it
I can't lie, you did steal it
But you can't **** my heart
In between each beat I mend

I know how goodbye feels
There's nothing more real
It's time to wonder about life
You're not the reason it will end

I know why you did it
I know why you quit it
I'm no bargain for a lover
You had to fight for it
And you didn't want to do it
That's what love is about
But a honeymoon is not all of it
You said I was the reason for it

I don't want to pick you up
I'm not gonna give you a line
You wouldn't believe it anyway
I'm not gonna waste my time

You want to meet me?
Then why don't you walk on by?
You won't be the first girl
To look me in the eye

I'm not your usual
I'm not here to pick you up
I don't play games
And I don't collect names

You think I can impress you
In the first five minutes?
Why don't you impress me?
Why don't we test your limits?

You keep looking and playing with your hair
You have a smirk; you're giving me a dare
Maybe I don't feel like making the first move
I'd rather have my dignity than try to be smooth

I'm not your usual
I'm not here to pick you up
I don't play games
And I don't collect names

I know what you want
You need my approval
Your ego is on fire
But like I said
I'm not your usual

You're gonna have to meet me halfway
Or else I'll be on my way
You can find another man to worship you
But if you want love, you know what to do

I'm not your usual
I'm not here to pick you up
I don't play games
And I don't collect names

I'm not your usual
You know?
Or would you?

I'm not in pain
Because strength can only be distracted
It is only life that I must be
The good and the bad
Without blood my body would be cold
Without bleeding I wouldn't know I was alive
It stopped when I needed it to
I'm only human anyway

I'm not in pain
Because sorrow is where dignity comes alive
It is only sad that I must be
The feeling that I loved someone
It is so natural to me now
Without your memory I would be alone
Without a past I would not know who I am
It stops only when I die
I'm only human anyway

I'm not in pain
Because walking the streets told me so
It is only empathetic that I must be
I can see you now
Because I heard you speak about hunger
Without you I would laugh too much
Without you I would not know pain
It stops when I close my eyes
I'm only human anyway

Man’s law
Hell on Earth
Suffering and death

God’s law
Hell on Earth
Suffering, death THEN retribution

Don’t ask me
I don’t give a **** anymore…..

she said i can't believe how you've gotten over me
it's because you haven't changed
somehow you got over me when we were in love
and now it's been so long
our memories have changed
still you want me to feel the hurt
but you didn't walk away from a wilting flower
instead I was a rock swarmed by too much rain
you didn't know it then
even at the bottom of a raging river
there is no loss great enough to make me drown
your disappointment in me now is only in yourself
if you cannot destroy someone then what are you?
is that the question you bring to me today?

I don't know if you can tell
The way I came to you is not how I'm gonna' leave
There is nothing in my conscience left
The emptiness is not a fire burning
It's just a match that doesn't need to be lit
It's only there if I need the help
But I can take it from here
Sometimes you just know you are right
Even if you can't prove it
I grew up when stating my case didn't matter anymore
This time I know I'm right
And waiting for you to agree is not gonna' happen

Your name has become
an alliteration in my mind
Your face a sunset
that waits for my dream to catch up
I’m sorry it's taking so long

I know why you are so vague
when once you were so obvious
I broke your mind enough not to care
but justice was served upon mine
I’m sorry it had to happen that way

We were headed for the sun
without fear of getting too close
But that is exactly what happened
and we knew then the game was real
I’m sorry I found out too late

You were still alive
When I was a child
I knew of your torment
But this boy only smiled

Living in ignorances
I ignored your scars
We waved the flag
It was the stars and bars

While you marched
To remove your chains
We played rebel soldier
"The South shall rise again!"

Someone called you a ...
And yes... I laughed
It all seemed so funny
This boy gave you the shaft

Later I would discover
My parents rejected this thought
They called Dad a "... lover"
I said "No! He's not!"

How sad as I ran
Humiliated to find
Those who looked like me
Hated my parents' mind

I wanted to be good
I wanted to be proud
Instead I was afraid
I couldn't say it out loud

While I lived in shame
A silent scared racist
You answered your calling
And began to resist

Why did it take so long
So long for me to see
The things that you fought
Happened right in front of me

Labeled 3/5 of a man
Not worthy of a drink
Only to be made fun of
I didn't know what to think

I'm sorry Dr. King
It's all I can say now
I know who is worthy
It is to you that I now bow

With dogs, hoses and a bull
That's how they committed sin
But you turned the other cheek
When they rejected you at the inn

You walked with those
Who were proud and fearless
While you asked to be human
In fact you were peerless

Was Jesus' journey less difficult?
Rejected from birth
Bringing us together
With love from this earth

More than a man
But as weak as any other
You gave your life
To save your own brother

Yes I am sorry Dr. King
For being so weak
For not standing up
For being afraid to speak

But today
I can only hope
That you understand
While I continue to *****

Oh how I wish
My weakness never sprouted
That my goodness
Would never be doubted

But to sit by your side
And look you in the eye
And beg for your dream
As you ask me why

Why does a white man
Ask a slave for a dream?
Why does a white man
Ask a slave for self-esteem?

Why do I ask?
Because I have done nothing
I've lived a life of frivolity
While you died for something

I have squandered all I was given
Expecting it as my right
While you planted what was taken
And brought the slave to life

In an immoral world
Of material possession
You earned moral superiority
And gained entrance to heaven

Who do I answer to?
What penance can I pay?
I am sorry Dr. King
Will you let me stay?

Will you show me now
My shortcomings as a man?
Is it any wonder
That I kiss your hand?

Yes I am sorry Dr. King
As sorry as a child can be
I can make no promises
Except pray for people to be free

I'm sorry Dr. King
But I'm also proud
That I came to know you
To remove the shroud

Of bigotry and racism
From my small mind
If we meet one day
I hope this you will find

We don’t think too much
‘cause we don’t know
We say something too far
then let it go
There’s always tomorrow
if we give it some attention too
It could be, but maybe not
there’s no promises,
but I like chances is anyway
it’s better than knowing I lost you

You wouldn’t come inside my house
it makes you think about giving in
You stayed out on the lawn
you don’t like to think were you’ve been
I don’t want to remind you,
you’ve heard every promise that there is
I’m gonna’ leave you alone
even if it means wondering what went wrong
still I know you almost came home
being on your mind is where I belong

I hate listening to that song
It sounds like something I once knew
how come so many people live like that
nobody likes old, just something new
I could never make you feel it
that happened a long time ago
it’s easy for you to shrug your shoulders
I once told you things, now you heard it before
I wonder why it has to be somebody else
loving you this long should mean something more

He wanted to float on an island
Make the sea rise like melting ice cubes
Drink from a coconut he shook from a tree
And serenade seagulls with the bark he stripped

Walk with me anywhere but here

He’d rung the towel as hard as he could
Nobody can do anything with it now
All that’s left is to live with his emotions
Instead of telling stories about how he feels

I love you but you already know that

He played all his face cards
There’s no saving this hand
He went all in without remorse
Tears always let themselves go

I have nothing to hide anymore

He didn’t look before he dialed the number
Rejection’s no different than yesterday
She could feel the strength in his heart
And wondered how much he could love her

Don’t be afraid that I learned to be so strong

I’m the son of a convicted felon
An orphan living without love
They sent me to the river
The one they always spoke of
So who you gonna’ blame?

I came over on a boat
But my mom died along the way
We were put in a camp
All we could do was pray
Will he know my name?

I could go back
Or I could stay
I once was a child
Now I’m just a stray
I see the lantern gleaming
And I’m huddled at its feet
This land was meant to be free
But there’s no food on the street

You couldn’t get a job
Then they laid you off
They wouldn’t give you a raise
Now you hate your boss
Is that why you’re mad I came?

The sun was shrouded
By your darkness
The moon was drowning
In my tears
The oceans were boiling
From your anger
The mountains were falling
Because of our fears

Should I go back
Or I should I remain
I once was a child
Now I’m just a stain
I cried when I saw the flag
Who did they die for?
Those who were already here
Or me to fight in the next war?

I'm gentle
     Except when you want rough ***
I'm sensitive
     Except when you want a real cowboy
I'm vulnerable
     Except when you want toughness
I'm domesticated
     Except when you want me to be wild
I'm open
     Except when you want mystery
I'm predictable
     Except when you want me to be spontaneous
I'm mature
     Except when you want me to act like a kid
I'm serious
     Except when you want me to make you laugh
I'm a hard worker
     Except when you want me to come home
I'm talkative
     Except when you want me to be quiet
I'm able to read your mind
     Except when I can't

I'm all these things

The problem is guessing when is the right moment.....

In a dream
I became a mariner when once I feared the flood
For in water I became born again
In a dream
I became silence when once I could only hear myself
For in the quiet I heard a voice
In a dream
I became a moment when I once thought only of tomorrow
For in that instant I had no worry
In a dream
I became wisdom when once I only prayed for youthful folly
For in my mind I knew of righteousness
In a dream
I became hope from the mouth a dove before I drowned
For the tree of life was now in my hands
In a dream
I am imagination when once I was only the question
For now I only see possibility
In a dream
I became creation when once I was only destruction
For now the past has forgiven me
In a dream
I became a gift when once I was only selfishness
For my desires became forgiveness
In a dream
I became humility when once I was arrogance
For my ship was so easily lost
In a dream
I became mercy when once I was punishment
For the rocks I held left my hands
In a dream
I became justice when once I was vengeance
For what is just is love
In a dream
I became life when once I  only knew of death
For grace reminded me of my choice