I'm just a masochistic optimist.
Simultaneously angry at myself for every chance that I missed.
Holding on to dreams that could never come true.
Holding on to my future, the one I dreamed up with you.

I can't savor any taste,
it's all ashes on my tongue.
Bitter laced.
Where once a melody was sung.

Delusions in my head are spun through tear-stained strings and heart-wrenched knots.
All the what ifs and had nots.
How is love is just drawing lots?

Of all the millions and billions of fish in the sea,
I can't believe you may not be swimming back to me.

You were my everything- my home and heart.
You were what I always believed would be both my end and my start.

I just want to feel some other kind of pain.
Pouring down and visible on my sleeves.
Wading through my daily life, shove it down and abstain.  
Anything but this open heart wound, bleeding as he leaves.

One arm in front of the other, swimming in the deepest end.
My legs feel like weights.
I don't wanna move, I wish I could hit send.
My heart just stops and my lips curse the fates.

I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel so ******* frantic.

Just wanna run to you like they do in the movie scenes.
I see the reels on repeat in my daydreams.
I hold on to you and you kiss me back.
Everything is back on track.

I want to hold you close and tell you it's going to be alright.
Those platitudes not enough to make things right.
Maybe I'm just too broken to be held by another.
My clinging caresses only seem to smother.
All my crumbling little pieces just fall between the cracks of your well intentioned hands.
I always failed to meet our life's demands.

But how do you heal someone when you're the one who slid in the blade?
How do you let go when you fear you'll fade?

I want to hold on to hope that our story isn't over yet.
A fresh chapter, a re-write, a reset.

I was your "delicate" flower you would jest.
Now these petals are falling and I feel laid to rest.

I don't feel strong, I only feel weak.
A stem without water, leaning and bleak.

I've lost all my sunshine and my roots cling tight.
I don't want to give up the fight.

I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶
I̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶

I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶
I̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶

Will we ever-

You know how Emily said Hope is a thing with wings?

Well mine is nosediving and I can't believe how much it stings.

Despair it grips my soul,
And all I hear is screams.
They always echo on repeat and swallow up my dreams.

I used to love your arms around me.
Now they are suffocating.

I used to believe in one and only-
Now it just feels lonely.

I used to imagine a white wedding,
Now that thinking is steady resetting.

I used to do anything just to see you smile,
Now I know I haven't made you happy in a long while.

I used to believe in magic. Now it's all just noise.
Once the static passes, it's the silence that destroys.

I used to be a hopeless romantic-
Now I am only just hopeless.

Loss
chip
Violence
nic
Trauma
chip

With each chip I find it harder to feel.
Every nic makes my world feel less real.

Bruises
nic
Scars
chip
Tears
nic

Each more takes a bit of my heart.
Tearing me even further apart.

Betrayal
chip
Abandonment
nic
Loneliness
chip

I am losing myself it seems.
On this path of shattered dreams.

crack

Each one a new crack in my foundation.
Till I come crumbling down.
Just a linear step to stagnation.
Losing my words--they're all I have left.
Now I am stuck praying for damnation.

crack

I am slipping. Further away.
Lost in the memories of yesterday.
I have lost my voice-I don't know what to do. What to say.

shatter

I stomp on my broken pieces just to relive the pain.
I worry that I am too broken and just a touch insane.
'Cause I need a little sunshine to balance out this rain.
They say it just takes a little bleach to take out the bloodstain.

I am slipping through the cracks it seems.
But I want to glue the pieces back together.
I want to to be free and chase my dreams.
But my moods are changing like the weather.

I just wanna be lighter than a feather.

I am tired of carrying the pieces around. Some pieces already lost and won't ever to be found.

Can I just grind them to dust and blow them away? Lessen the weight of what used to be.
Can I craft a new vessel and gain the power to be free?

Free of all the broken bits of me?

Blank canvas, layers, peeling, past pains, loss, just a little paint thinner to wear it all down.
Gonna paint the next layer thin, again and again.
So it doesn't hurt as much when I peel it all off.
Blisters under my nails.
Stinging tears.
I have only one canvas and it's painting all my fears.
Weathered wood and fraying ends.
This is where it all begins.