There has to be a way to stay true to that calling inside of me that feels wild and unruly, other worldly and independent
while also pursuing a life that has more abundance and conformity, maturity and rules
how can I still be an independent thinker in my world while also applying the rules of a corporation for a better paycheck and feel good about that?
I want more but I have never been apart of the club
The person who agrees with the majority for my own well being
It’s a battle between my morals and my personal gain that I don’t know how to win
When you know you can do great things but also worry if the great things are just like lipstick on a pig

My tears would soak my face,
eyes red from the tiny veins busting inside from strain
my laugh was the loudest, my love was all in
my heart was running a never ending race
I felt a constant weight lay on my chest and my stomach never felt full
A deep emptiness engulfed me, a longing for life like I could taste it if I wanted to
chances waiting every hour, every minute things could change
goals upon goals and dreams upon dreams
I could take on the world, the doubt of others only a motivator to my next step
a powerhouse of life, love, movement and strength I was
a butterfly in the sky just out of reach
I really felt like I could fly back then
I felt guided by my spirit,
Like Frodo I had a secret weapon in my pocket to find the light, even in the darkest of places, unafraid to use it when all hope was gone
I was sassy, sarcastic and quick
always on the ready to jump, scream, laugh smile or run
It felt like me against the world and I was on the greatest team
I had a knowing that I was not going to let myself down, I would not be like them
I would be different

but I wasn’t
all the poems that I wrote, all the feelings that I felt, all the love I poured out, all the dreams I wasted and achieved, all the trying, kicking, screaming, joy, sorrow and peace, all of it
and yet I still became the one thing I spent so much time disowning
I still became me

Do you ever look back on how you behaved or something you said
and thought
I am embarrassing and dramatic?  
Nothing is that big of a deal in the end
In the moment it feels monumental
but looking back
everything works out eventually

Last night I closed my eyes and you came to me in the dark, just you in a room where you were surrounded by pitch black
Your face was blank, basically emotionless
as you stared back at me, it was like you were right in front of me and even when I opened my eyes your image was still fresh in my mind
No matter what I did I couldn’t make you go away
I didn’t feel scared of you but it just made me sad
Seeing you morph like my mind was remembering the details of your face and then you came into view the way I remember
As you,
with those eyes behind your glasses that they buried you in and that grey beanie that was on your head at your funeral, the one you wore to work so often, along with your other ball caps they removed from your desk
They told us we would feel so many ways for awhile after your loss
But no one mentioned you showing up in the dark

One week is as long as it takes for your job to wait before they clean out your things and go back to normal day to day life after you pass away
and although routines, business and normalcy all make sense for the mental health and financial success of everyone else still alive
because life goes on as it always does and always has…
it’s a reminder that no job is worth any extra of your precious time on earth or mental sanity
because it takes your employer one week to move on without you