I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore

I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face

I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much

I realized when I left
that meant I was going to be alone
for awhile
for years maybe
that it would be challenging to find someone who could put up with me
love me for all my many quirks and sarcastic comments
my attitude on my good and bad days
I realized leaving meant many many lonely days
and possibly even lonelier nights
but that it could also mean
many many filled moments of figuring myself out like never before
and maybe, loneliness would teach me a thing or two about loving myself for the very first time
when I have nothing left, I will have Me

I just went back and read the beautiful things I wrote
during the darkest time of my life
and
I can see that girl writing those poems
I know exactly where she was
I see it in my mind so clearly when I read through my old thoughts
I was so beautifully melancholy
yet inspiring and hopeful sometimes
I should read what I wrote about myself more often because I was speaking love to myself that I’ve forgotten about
somehow I lost that light that shines in those words
even if they are painful and sad there is power in what I said
because I made it

The worst thing you can do to me is
Ignore me
And then think that will solve something
because we will be “calmer” “cooled down” “not angry anymore”
Yeah right
ignoring me only escalates my emotions
giving me time to think is a dangerous thing
leaving me to cry huge tears that soaked my face and my bed and left my eyes red and my throat sore is a careless mistake for a girl like me
Once my heart is cracked open
it crumbles like dirt in your hands
I am not a forgiving person
even if I wanted to be
I don’t have it in me to forgive someone for stepping on me like I am small
Inside I am bigger than you
I just have to find that part of me that got lost somewhere and I’ll be giant and so bright I’ll blind you