When I take my clothes off,
You will see all the places where they have been.
From the way they kissed my hair under the moonlight,
As we walked through the night sky and took me off of my feet
You will see the promises they have left on my pinky finger,
And the way their fingerprints danced on the spaces in between my hands,
I will be stripped naked of all the memories they had created on the arches of my neck,
And the way they implanted kisses on my chest
And made flowers bloom in my stomach.
You will see that they are a constellation hiding on my body
Waiting to be revealed
You will feel the pixie dust that they left on the gaps of my thighs,
When I flew with them to Neverland
Only to never see them again.
You will see that I had held on to them for far too much and too long
They have created marks on my palms and scratches on my wrists.
You will see that I still bear all the scars of their love
You will know why I am so scared of you.
So when I take my clothes off
You will see me.
You will see the dusts of my ex-lovers embedded on the folds of my skin.
And I hope you still accept
Who I have been
Naked as I am.

if i show you
will you understand?

how i've outlined these arms
vein after vein
where sunlight runs
i see only
lines to trace

i got a barcode on my wrists

scan me for the price
of beauty

i am as expensive
as what people think of me.

do you know what it feels like
to attach your worth
to weighing scales
and waists that never
slim down?

is this why they call them
shoulder blades
to cut through
your skin
to be called
"pretty"

thigh gaps that map
the distance between your legs
to make you
matter so much
you can't stand on your own
feet.

when you walk the shoes
we wear
will you know?

the path to be
called beautiful
is full of
self-hate

and we pay for that bill.

Mother you saw the cuts on my hands
you asked me what they were
I told you they were barbed wire scratches
when I climbed up a tree
in our backyard.

Mother,
there are no trees here.

but you stayed silent
in the church pews
praying to a god
who couldn't save your daughter.

Mother, remember when you tucked me at night
and held me
because I am afraid of the dark but
told me nothing would go wrong because
you are the light of my life.
and everything is gonna be alright.

what happened?

one day,
you asked me if he does things to me
when we are alone
I felt your chest tighten
as i replied with nothing but a straight face
i forced myself to shake my head

just to see you breathe again.

Mother, you saw the lines under my eyes
you keep telling me I should go home earlier
go to bed earlier
but you do not understand
that monsters do not always hide
under your bed
sometimes, they welcome you

"home"

Mother, I want to tell you but
do you really look at me?
or you just see the
smiles
and how hard
I try not to make you worry.

do I really have to end up in
hospital beds
before you finally see
how unhappy I have been?

do I have to destroy myself
even more?

Mother,
tell me
when is everything going to be alright?

Mother you know how much
I hate enclosed spaces and
darkness
but right now
caskets seem like a pretty good bed
to finally
sleep.

Mother, tuck me in bed-
one
last
time.
okay?