Start drinking,
push away all your family members,
spend a lot of time alone,
move somewhere far, far away from your friends
and the places you like;
spend a few hours a day
thinking about
all the things you've failed at.
And drink some more.
Start wearing more black,
learn to love your nightmares
and start hating yourself.
Forget about all the things you used to like,
all your hobbies,
listen to Pink Floyd or Nick Cave or
Nancy Sinatra’s Bang Bang,
Read Bukowski or Ginsbersg or Emily Dickinson
and drink some more.
Cry.
Cry every day.
Don’t answer your mom's calls,
think about the people you have lost
and drink some more.
And the most important thing,
the final cut,
take someone you like,
someone you care about
and make them hate you.

Then drink some more.

1574

No ladder needs the bird but skies
To situate its wings,
Nor any leader’s grim baton
Arraigns it as it sings.
The implements of bliss are few—
As Jesus says of Him,
“Come unto me” the moiety
That wafts the cherubim.

February is like one of the darkest nights,
a sleep full of nightmares,
it is like a bad, old cigarette,
filling up my lungs with
smoke
that won’t let me breathe.

February is like a muddy day,
anywhere I go it makes me feel miserable and filthy,
it makes me feel like a child whose birthday everyone forgot about,
February is like the monster under the bed,
it gets me scared and makes me cry
and I cannot sleep at night.

February makes me want to run away,
it’s like a bad mother who keeps on hurting her child,
it’s like a storm when you’re walking home after a hard day,
it's like the worst sunburn or
the worst paper cut.

February is like an endless Sunday
it’s like the saddest clown,
the most painful song,
February is like a cemetery at night,
like a day in a ****** war.

I have the same menu every February day
wine for breakfast and wine for lunch
and  some more wine for dinner..
I still can’t forget, I still can’t forget
the way you left.

I still fantasize over you, every night, i fall asleep thinking about you.
Your eyes, your hands, your lips and the color of your skin.

I fantasize over you, in a chastest and most prudish way.
I imagine your eyes on me and your heavy breath.

I visualize your movements in my head,
The way you're walking and your presence which no one can deny.

In my dreams i remember your body, your arms.
In my dreams  i can smell your perfume.
And this smile, oh lord this smile...

I still hear your voice which play in my head like a melody but your words cut as a knife.

You cut my heart in hundreds pieces, and you throw them in the deeps of the ocean with your darkest secrets.

All i wanted was to fix you but you choose to break me instead.

And now you’re going..
Your blue eyes leaving a cold shadow on my soul
Realizing that you cannot love me
That you don’t need me.

And the wine will never  taste the same it did before.

And now you’re leaving
Taking with you all the scents I've put in your hair
All the poems I've read to you
All the perfect moons
The ugly, boring Sundays
Your smile
The smoke of cigar coming from your lungs
Your heart
Your voice whispering
“I’ll never leave you”.

Falling

Drowning.

I remember how your voice used to keep me
at the surface
walking like Jesus on water I was
thinking that I was saved
from the beasts living, hiding at the bottom of the ocean
waiting, and waiting, and waiting in silence
for me to drown
to get deep into this misery.

Falling.

Drowning.

The beasts at the bottom are waiting and waiting,
your voice is fading, grows weaker and weaker,
I find myself unable to walk
I drown with every step I try to take.
The beasts in the deep are coming for me.


I am unsaved.