I lay awake and try to think of a time before I loved you,
try to imagine what it felt like
before your heart made a home inside of mine
and the whole of the universe came together

Closing my eyes,
I feel sad
for the girl I was then -- so long ago
but sometimes it feels like yesterday
and its lurking too close
for me to truly forget

Fate is always waiting for me to roll the die.

My skin is dry.
I watch it crack and peel,
flake and fall down,
roll off my body to the floor

My hands are tired
from sleeping with closed fists,
from trying to hold on,
and fighting to let go

My body aches
and my face twitches
while my head pounds
with loud thumping,
in my ears.

*I think something's wrong.

They say this place isn't colorful,
that this part of town doesn't shine
No inspiration, no life
When I open my eyes to it,
I see something a little more beautiful

I feel it too,
in every sunny day
I hear it
when the wind rustles
carelessly through the trees,
shaking their leaves
and making music
for my soul

They see an alley,
dark and dusty
A place that doesn't exist
Someone's slept there,
stepped through it,
even gazed at it
Oh the untold human condition

I love this place
this town with all of its flaws
and normalities
every park, every street
I know them by heart,
I know the people who have stepped foot there
and all of the memories that have been made

But I'm bigger than this place,
I've out grown it
I'm just a sun flower surrounded by daisies

Shifting between dreaming and waking
I am hazy, in a violent fog
laying away from my body

I feel his hands on me
and I try,
to move away from his touch
Am I moving?
I can't tell
my body betrays me, keeps me still

His sticky hands move,
up my back and along my breast
his lips press tightly against mine
and I think, this is it
this is what they warned us about
the thing adults curl their smiles down for,
tear up for, but then don't say

There's a fire in my head, and it burning bright
but he can't see, can't hear me scream no
move, move **** it
but my legs aren't mine anymore

I hear him say my name, feel the bed move
beneath my lifeless weight
the tears come
he stops, rolls over

I stay awake until the rain comes
it hits my face, I keep my eyes shut
he's gone, and I let the fog carry me away

I can see
Into the light
And into the collective

I can feel
A new day
A new dawn on the horizon

I will be
Greatness running forth
Try and catch me as I fly by

I will sound
Like a whirl of fury
A powerhouse so deep
It’ll make your knees weak
Like effervescent singing
Like cool waves softly crashing

I will feel
Like a ******* woman
Thick and strong
Unmoved like a tree
Growing up and beyond your vision
Your view of the unseen
Offering you shade
A soft place to lay your head
A cool place to sit and dream

I am
Something on the rise
A woman just beginning
To take heed
To feel her birthright
Finally demanding justice
And offering it to only myself

You can’t stop me now
Because I’m on my way
I bet you thought you could
But no
I’m good and gone
Away and above
This dark place where you lay
The sticky sweet where you go to die

No longer do you bind me
Pain so powerful and bittersweet
Because I’m stronger than you know
And nothing’s holding me back

The song begins to play
and I give in to its gentle melody,
I sway in time and tune
and become one with the sound,
with every beat,
ping,
tap,
and crash of the percussion

I become alive,
as I slide,
lift,
rise,
and spin through the room
A tiny dancer
and a perfect pirouette

I become one with the sound
and I let it carry,
my soft strong body
across the wooden floor,
that responds to my dance,
with creeks and cracks

The emptiness solidifies,
as I dance through it,
I cut it like a knife
I am the weapon
and music is the crime

We make love,
he holds me and I am his,
only for a moment
until the record skips
and the chorus breaks
I float over the notes,
like a dove
It is the wind that guides me home
and I keep it warm beneath my wings

My body is not broken,
It works just fine,
with me
and with that holy music
Oh, my savior
my grace
and the life that's trapped within me
is that sweet, sweet sound

I want to ****
And fight
And live
In a world of green
In a big sea of blue

I want to be free today
Shake loose my chains
And ropes
And tassels
That bind me
And keep me quiet

I want a good day
One that will make my heart flutter
And evoke a sweet smile
Across my hardened cheeks

Come here boy
Lay with me
Let our bodies twist into one
Let the grass grow outside our window
The one that we alone share
Let the wind throw force at our door
The one that keeps the bad out
And lets the good in

I want that big life
The one they call The American Dream
So let the sun fill the sky today
Let’s march arm in arm
Towards the mecca
And into the promise land

I stood there frozen,
unable to move
breathe,
or blink

For a moment,
everything was gone
It was all lost
fallen and forgotten
in the in between
out in the great unknown

But air filled my lungs again
and with all my strength
I beared the wait of breathing
of life and death
and all that comes with it

I moved my feet, first
wiggled my toes around
just to make sure I still could

My feet danced in my shoes,
kept warm by my stockings
and I knew,
that your goodbye didn't **** me

*But it didn't make me stronger

The cityscape paints a picture
Of a raw permeating truth
Something bigger and better than who I am
But it is me
Or at least I try and play pretend
Playing princess
In a dark forbidden castle
Locked away in the land of never ever

The streets are black and wet
Stained with putrid stank
Vile fluids and ghastly memories

Is this home?
This place where the sun doesn’t shine
Hidden away from all the beauty
A place completely human
Raw and angry
Like a fresh wound

Sweet smoke fills my lungs
Thank you, New York
For bringing me back to reality
For slapping me in the face
With life
With the insanity that made me sane
With the dizziness of drunken days
Days that were too short
Where night couldn’t wait to spread
Its darkness across the sky
And the moon dominated my sweet sun

Here in the city of death and despair
Is where I was born
I broke free of the womb that bound me
And I ran
I ran to get lost
And to be discovered
Thank you, New York
For taking me in
And becoming my cold, distant
Other mother.

I think I’ve lost it
That cloud of smoke that once settled
Deep inside me
Close to my heart and in the pit of my belly

I think it ran away and left me behind
Maybe it doesn’t like me anymore
Maybe I’m a different breed now
I’m “healed” so now I’m “healthy”
My cloudy smoke doesn’t like healthy
She likes it when it’s grey and empty
Nothingness so deep
I can feel it tingling in my feet and palms
It makes me sick

But god it’s so beautiful
The things that I can create from pain
The things I can say
When my belly trembles
And my hot breath forms a voice
That carries out my cries
But I’ve fallen silent

Instead my sadness just brings sleep
And the sun hides behind clouds
Sky is nothing but an endless wall of grey

I can’t dance in the rain
I don’t feel like screaming at the hot wind
I just become quiet
Immersed in my new being
This distant person
Who speaks with precision rather than wild crying
This woman who smiles instead of a girl who makes faces
Writes and reads
And has time to rise with the sun

I’m so bored with womanhood
I want to be free to run and play
Take time and feel god sitting beside me

I want to breathe and have it mean something
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a real person
With a real personality
Not just a professional who smiles

I have to be alone
And listen to my belly
And the smoking cloud that sets me free
The ones that burns up my heart crisp

I saw him laying there
still, so very still
I thought he was dead
gone
already passed through
to the other side

Then his chest rose
up, aghast
struggling for breath
his eyes winced
legs pulling up into his chest
feet flailing and twitching

I could feel
the pain that ran through
his fragile, still body
cold, small, and grey
and I stood back from his bedside
my eyes still focused
on his shaking frame

Death hung heavy in the air that day
I could smell it on his skin
God was waiting
to take him home
but still he held on,
breathing and stopping
breathing and stopping

Life is strange sometimes
made even stranger by the reality
of death
of opening oneself
to the never ending abyss
to the ever after when the rainbow has passed

Goodbye, love
I'll be seeing you,
on the other side

My little soul
Traveled across time
And through the deepness
Of space
To get to you
My dear
My love
She flew tirelessly
Endlessly
Only to be reunited with yours

Broken heart
So cold and stiff
Don’t be angry anymore
Because my heart of hearts
Is here for you
And I won’t ever leave
I’ll never let you go

My body
Your body
Together we formed something soft
And fragile
We created a creation
That was bigger than us
It was greater that my greatest fear
And deeper than your deepest regret

I turned my back
I didn’t watch
As it was taken
I gripped the hand that was offered
One that I had wished was yours
I alone watched as my castle crumbled
I bore witness to the destruction of my own fairytale
As it dissolved
And became one with air
Time and space
And I followed
The pink screaming sky
Into oblivion  
And forgot my dear
That you were ever there at all.

Today I let you go,
and it didn't hurt
and I didn't cry

Last night I released you,
while I was sleeping
Like a soft,
quiet exhalation
that no one heard
and no one saw

I woke up wondering
if I had left you.
Or if,
I was ever in the back of your mind

Perhaps that nimble little moon,
that brought us together
finally decided,
to rip us apart.

I must let go today
And be healed
If not for me
Than for my body
That aches and twists with pain
Whenever his face makes an appearance
In my sick mind

Like a ghost he haunts me
Makes me sick and makes me cry
Memories mar my mind
They smack me with pain
And kick me with regret
So I run to your bed
Just to hold you
Just to feel your breath
I use you as a replacement
As my escapism
Because I can’t face
My own face
My reflection in the mirror
That stares back at me
Hauntingly
Accusingly
Because she and I know
What I could’ve stopped

So I bury my eyes
In the warmest part of your chest
And pretend to be anyone
Someone who is not me
A girl detached
A girl who isn’t scarred
I breathe in your smell
And realize
That no I can’t stay here forever
Today I need to let go

I cannot wait,
forever

Without hope,
or some kind of sign
that this impossible love
is a possibility

No, I can't go on,
waiting in the dark
or screaming in silence

Dying day by day
watching you break my heart
without touching it at all

She sings songs in the park now
She’s beautiful
You should see her play

She dances around
Her old guitar case
Gliding with feet bare
To the street beneath them

She doesn’t sing for change
That’s only a cover
She plays for the trees
And for the lovers
Sitting on their benches
Holding honest hearts
In their strong clean hands

She hums to the passersby
On bikes
On foot
Her voice stretches
Throughout the winding path
Reaching every stroller pushing mother
Nanny
O’pair
Reminding them that life is extensive
That it’s possible to grow
Even from concrete

The people in the park
They are the flowers
Newly blooming
And her music is the spring
Her honeyed voice
As she slowly strums her guitar in tune

I love, you working at your desk
steadily typing, thinking precisely
answering logically, placing carefully

Your face is perfect
when it's stern and direct
you're making big decisions
creating wonder by hand

I love, you pulled in close
to my face and breast
curling in and stretching out
getting comfortable

Your body is perfect
when it's warm and near
constantly pulling me closer
when I'm there; available

Your heart makes mine whole
just because it's far, doesn't mean it's away
because I feel it
and I know it

I trace the lines of your body by hand
like an old map on my wall
It's always been there
but I'm just now noticing,
I'm just now tracing my steps.

I was there
And it was my body
That shook and screamed
And left blood behind

But I couldn't rip
The memory out
Or throw it away
No matter how hard I tried

They were my tears
The ones that settled
On your shoulder
That ran down to your chest

And you said
It made you feel like
You had been standing in the rain

You were never supposed to leave
My sleepy little moon
But sometimes the sun has to rise
The day must come
Leaving the night alone
Letting you go

Everything hurts today,
I try not to move much
but the knots in my stomach,
make it hard to hold still

When you touched me
something within me woke up
and for the first time,
in a long time,
I was really living

But now it's gone,
and the death of my heart
is too big a burden to bare

my soul, a bloodied war zone
my body, a shaky home built for two
won't bother you anymore

I'll let you go--but not today,
tomorrow.

Me and you
Not as complicated
As you and I
I couldn’t buy you
I guess I didn’t have enough
Just the lint from my pockets
And a little change

So this will be my apology
For making your life miserable
And twisting your world to black
Love and ***
I’m sorry I confused the two
I’m sorry I allowed them to be linked

I believed them to be intertwined
And enabled them to live in me
I had no right to that
I had no right to love you
No right to let it feel good
Or to create a home in your bed
To smile and laugh
As you kissed and tongued me
No right to cry
As you grabbed and pulled at me

It wasn’t my place
Your heart a palace
Brilliant and beautiful
My ***** little hands
Undeserving
It wasn’t mine to touch

So you rebelled
With darkened defenses
A rage too cruel
Even for the blackest of hearts

You intruded me
Stormed my gates
You split me like an apple
And swallowed me whole
Helped yourself to my pink and white
Skin soft and tight
Ripping
Ripped
Gone

Gazing at me with that sick smile
Is enough to make me spit on any man
Yes
I was blind for you
As dumb and vulnerable
As a field mouse

I was meant to hate you
To break you
Scream at you
Hurt you
And ruin you

So here is my apology
From my twisted little soul
To yours
For getting in your way
Laying in fear with the others
And being the first to speak

Did I turn it ugly my dear
I felt the storm coming
I heard the thunder over our heads
The crashing torrents
So loud and angry
The sound piercing

I should’ve known I’d end it
I’ve never been much for sweet and simple
I can’t say goodbye without revenge
Hate is the only barrier
The only thing strong enough
The only wall tall enough
To keep my heart from yours

Is it all, my fault my dear?
Am I the mad-hatter?
In this twisted fairy tale?
Are there any truths to my tongue?
To my intricate web of lies
Woven from our love
And my from our damaging passion

I’m sorry I called for the clouds
Let you drown in the downpour
Gave you no shelter from my rain
I shot you with my lightening
I hope it set your soul ablaze
And woke up that soft spot
The one deep in your heart
Where I used to make my humble home.

I can't stop
thinking about
the way you touch me
fingers, moving slowly
intentionally
across the small of my back

Your voice runs rampant
in my mind
moves through all
of the dark caves
and shady graves
bringing light to a cloudy day

It makes me feel good
inside of my body
from finger tips
to my toes
filling my body whole
with light that is
both bright and sound

Your tongue
caresses me gently
seeking and finding
all of the things I try to hide
I cannot wait
until you dip inside

I'm sort of just now
becoming
real
transforming into the girl
I was meant to be
the kind of girl
I always dreamed of being
but never had the guts
to become it

I never liked to hide in pain
I'd just rather always feel something
as opposed to nothing

rather have hot and cold
than luke warm, all the time
making me nauseas
I'd always choose day and night
over the murky grey abyss
life fading into bleak
nothingness

Once,
I cried and screamed
begged and dreamed
for the ripping to be over
for my nightmare to end

But now,
that the pain has subsided
and my wounds have finally healed
I can't wait to again feel the blow
of a tormented, reeling heart

Because sadness is an excuse
to feel something
live and breathe
pumping within your chest

My hardened heart
was bloodied and torn
but at least it was there at all

Now inside my breast
I carry an empty steel box

an empty, dead
wretched thing
that never lived
or laughed
or  ever took a fall

You
touch me,
like you know me,
and it feels good
Yeah, I let it feel good
this time

Brown hands
on my skin
and I'm at home
with you in my bed

I let something move,
deep inside me
while you were moving,
deep inside me

I let that something take hold,
I let it shift
and from a creation
became a small formation
which created a nation
within my body and soul
which poured from mind and mouth
and made me whole

Yeah,
I'll take this
I'll let this be okay

It starts so simply; a flush of heat to the head, an unforgiving reverberation in the ears, pounding like drums until I can hear the foundation of my brain begin to crack.

Then, just like that – it all goes black

And it’s like I had never been well and happiness was just a dream. Normalcy; what is that? I don’t remember now.

My love for you
Is the constant in my life
The empty shallow place
Between sleep and waking
Time and space
Is where you’ll find my heart
That’s where I keep your love

Touch me
And my throat dries
My legs shake
And I give in to your warmth
Your lungs and mine
Create one breath
One sweet sickness
One shared moment in time

I want to run to you, dear
In to your arms
Before I sink slowly
Perfectly
Into your heart

I forget you
Every time you leave my side
My mind rids its self of you
Of your touch
Your smell
And the hushed low love
You whisper into my ear

The sun is high and bright today
The grass an explosive yellow-green
Yet still I lie dreamily
Weightlessly
On an old red pillow
Stained with familiar tears

Hey, you
don't ignore me when I speak
I have a voice,
and I'd like you to listen
'Cause I listened to you

Don't step on me,
push my face into the dirt
laugh at me,
*** on me,
kick me when I'm down
I'm here, I'm real
you can't take that away from me

I'm not a vessel
I'm no "host"
for a life that isn't my own
I'm not defined
by my ability to create
it's a blessing,
not a guideline

Just because I can,
Doesn't mean I have to
Just because I do
Doesn't mean I will

Your God's no better than mine,
just because he agrees with you
and he favors your life over mine,
excuse me while I get back in place

This body,
my body, wasn't made
to create, to bare, to endure
it was made, I was made
for choice
for power
for purpose
and no man, policy, or "divine" rite
can take that away.

We sat still on the moist concrete,
with our backs against her red saturn
Surrounded by the summer's heat,
smoking cigarettes

We held on to the smoke,
in our lungs
Breathing in deeply,
letting it out smoothly

We laughed and talked about all things,
mostly the stories of our mothers' youth
Comparing and contrasting it to our own

It didn't matter what the hour was,
or how much time we wasted sitting there
All life is, is wasted time
Even if nothing profound happened in our lives,
we would be content with it
Even the dullest moments,
when looking back seem great
Because they are ours,
and we keep them alive in our hearts,
by retelling them

When life is all a bunch of nothing,
then nothing in life matters
We can do whatever makes us smile,
and fills us with happiness

There are no certainties and no permanents
Everything changes,
but everything is nothing

This is not meant to upset you dear,
nothing is not a sad thing
Nothing keeps us content,
nothing sets us free,
and nothing can keep us apart.

Mama said be careful
Don’t talk to strangers
And don’t walk alone
Mama said to sit up straight
Keep your elbows off the table
And lock the doors when you get home

Mama said be patient
Be polite
Be a lady
Mama said not to sit on the grass
Not to stay in the sun
And go out only if it’s shady

Mama said be a good girl
But this good girl’s got to roam
This girl’s gotta spread her wings
And fly away from her home

Mama said a lot of things
Of this I know is true
But mama never said nothin’
‘Bout stayin away from you

Mama never said you’d hurt me
Or do me so wrong
She never told of your sweet kisses
Or the sadness you’d put in my song

Mama said that boys lie
But you were different; you were a man
Mama should have told me
“Girl, run as fast as you can!”

Mama didn’t tell me
But Ima tell mine
That men like you are icky, yucky things
And ain’t no better than swine

I think it really could have gone
somewhere
you know, could've been what
it wasn't
but I lost it.

I always do that,
lose the important things
the things you put it your pocket intentionally
and say, "Okay...STAY."

Like when your mom gave you her necklace
a shiny jeweled fish,
wiggling on its golden line,
and you promised you'd take care of it
but you didn't
and it ended up at the bottom of your toy box

That,
is this.
This same feeling
was here. I had it.
I was going to love it
take care of it
watch it grow
into something beautiful.

But I lost it.
I checked all my pockets
and my toy box twice
but it's gone.

It sings me to sleep
I let it take me every time
On the crest of a wave
It lulls me into loving bliss
She is my savior
I cling heavily to her voice
That moves through me and rocks me to my core
Please I plea on my knees
Take away this pain and make me clean
And she does
Just like she has
And she always will

I stumble in
Throw myself on the bed
And let my head sink into the pillow
She takes me away
To a place that’s green
Where I’m wearing white
And I can feel without hating
Run without falling

The moon sends light through my window
As she wraps herself around my
Tired, worn body
She presses me to her breast and I am whole
And I am safe
She is mine and I am forever hers
Lumen de lumine
Take me as I am and carry me to the light

Sometimes it rains here
All day and into the night
I gaze up to find endless grey
Nothingness as far as I can see
It pours heavily
Then the fog comes to settle
Staring blankly out my window
I sit on the cold wood
And wait

I fight
With myself
And with my fate
Begging
Pleading
Screaming
For the sun
To finally come back
And warm my icy face

I bargain
With God
Asking her
Then telling her
Not to take my sun from me
Because I need my light
I need it to shine
Just a little brighter for me today
Because I’ve forgotten how

There will be days
When the sun doesn’t come
And the rainwater fills your home
Drowning your possessions
And spitting on your faith

There will be times
Where you will find yourself shaken
Alone and afraid
Godless and crying out for a savior
Turning your back on hope
Only to throw away your love

Don’t.
Behind every dark cloud
The sun is lying in wait
To save you
To heal you
And bring you back to the light
And you will once again be strong
Be alive
And be unafraid

Today is the day
When I will get myself back
Take claim of the rights that I have

The bird outside my window
flew high the day you left me
he soared and cawed,
as if warning me
and urging me to walk away
but I didn't,
because love is a funny thing

He's been waiting on the sill
for me to open up
and gently shoo him away
but instead I lay in bed
twisting with pain and loss
dying a little more,
with every passing moment

That old bird never left me
he hangs around, lazily
waiting for me to let go
waiting for me to move on

But I can't
and I won't
because being bitter is too easy
and falling out of grace,
is a beautiful way to be

I am the wolf,
vicious, terrified, and unkind
softly licking my wounds
howling up high towards mother moon.

Naked,
as the very first ray of light
and a single droplet of water

I am exposed here
laying on hot sand
and sinking further and further
into it's itchy dryness

I am insignificant
for I am alone
in a no man's land,
where there is but light
and no other life

In the womb of creation is where I transform
from evil into good
I shed my filthy skin
to become raw and new

All but a loud ringing is left
to fill the maddening silence
and I bow down
to let it fill my ears
with an insanity that crackles and bursts
only to teeter out into calm

This is the first day,
rebirth into a bright new world
and I will be fresh
and forget who she was
put it down and let go
and become who I am.

So what does it really mean to be like everyone else?
Do I get to check the boxes that they do?
I am happy all the time, check!
I can be alone without panicking, check!
I am completely normal; check, check!
Being normal is being in love
Being in love only counts when they love you back
That’s what they say
If it’s not returned then it’s not real
It never happened and what you feel is wrong
It’s pretend
Make believe
Like when you danced around the house in a crown and said you were a princess
But you were never a princess
Your crown was plastic
And when your brother stepped on it
It broke
And you cried
Because what you want can’t ever be real
But still you danced
Didn’t you?
Twirling under the big onward stretched sky
Giggling and knowing
That one-day when you were big enough
Your prince would come
But he never did, did he?
He got his dates confused and didn’t show up to your ball
So you stood there alone on the stairs
Stunned
With your naked foot in the air
Waiting for your glass slipper
**** your glass slipper
And **** prince charming
Hike up your dress and press your lips to the bottle
Turn your head to the sky
The one you used to smile at
And drink
Because this is what you’ve got
Honesty and intoxication
And when you’re honest you become real
You’re worth something again
If it’s not coming then don’t wait for it
Turn your back and run like hell
Leave your broken crown to whither in the dust

Sometimes words,
Don’t sound as good
As they did in your head
When you dreamed them up,
When you fought it out
Inside your own mind

Sometimes please,
Doesn’t come through as desperate
As it needed to be
When you said it with a dying breath

Sometimes love,
Doesn’t feel as good
As it does in the movies
The soundtrack never plays
At the perfect moments
And kisses can’t be returned

Sooner or later,
Sometimes becomes all the time
And always is a constant,
State of distrust and disbelief
You’re worked up and stressed out
And love bleeds you dry
Like a leech on the vein

They're just words
Written in pen on clean paper
Whispered gently, and
thrown around
Unraveled, untangled
Untranslated thoughts

Symbols placed together
Neatly, thoughtfully
Clustered and chaotic

But these "words" set me free
They take away the pain
**** the poison from the bite
And make me sane
Keep me healed
And soothe my head
That buzzes and churns

Words clear the clouds from my sun
They make me who I am

When I'm lost in the dark city
Lips pressed to the bottle
Short skirt and,
cigarette smoke
Words guide me back
Writing makes me remember
The little girl I hide away

But there was a part of you, there
that was good
and vulnerable
you let me hold it
only for a moment
and I haven't seen it since

But that was the man
the one that fills my dreams
and makes me sing
who puts my body at ease
that one, the one I saw there

Please bring him back home safe
to me, and only me
for he is mine and I am his
yes, that's the one strong enough
to change the "game"
to change it all

When you moved through me,
I felt him there
and I wished,
on God herself and on every bright star
that he would stay inside me
and he would never leave

But he did.

You wanted one,
ever since you were young

Thought you found it,
once or twice
but it never lasted long

Home,
You've got a home
in me

There's a place in my heart,
where I built you a home
Made of sticks and shabby stone,
I'll keep it there my love,
I won't leave it alone

Home,
You've got a home
in me.

Move in my darling,
take your leave
I'll keep you safe,
and give you everything you need

I'll paint the walls,
and wash the floors
I'll make it a palace,
and keep unlocked the doors

Your kingdom I will build,
upon my sturdy back
I'll keep you forever,
your love is all that I lack

Home,
You've got a home
in me.