Where are you?
What is going on?
Why is this happening?

Questions haunt my mind,
Only questions that you can answer.
I feel like I'm on my own,
Abandoned.

Am I so guilty of sin that you've left me without a clue of how to fix anything?
Are you working in my life in ways that I never could comprehend?

I have no idea what's going on.
Never have I been so confused,
So empty.

But I trust you.
Those simple words are foreign; not of my native tongue.
Because everything in me wants to scream, cry, and fix this.
But since it's out of my control, since I'm surrendering all.

God, I trust you.
I trust you as the God of the universe and the lover of my soul.
This is all so out of my reach and out of my control that I don't know what to do.
But I know you.
I know you make beautiful things.
And I know, with all my heart, that you love me.

So God I trust you.

He held my hand today.
Never had my hand been held before.
In that moment,
The worries stopped.
Reality faded.
And it was as if he held the weight of the world just as he held my hand.

He's told me I'm pretty,
He's held my hand.
He's done everything perfectly.
He's different from you.

I guess I wasn't meant to be pursued by you.
These thoughts of you, of him, has driven me crazy and promoted memories I thought were long gone.
Why are you on my mind?
I thought the memories of you were as distant from my heart as distant as the time we once had together.

Remember the times we laughed in the river and danced by the great oaks...wait no.
I can't go back to the past as much as I've tried.
I've loved you more than you will ever know.
I've prayed more for you than any other soul.

And as if you haven't done enough, someone finally comes around and makes me feel
Beautiful
                 Wanted
                               And pursued.

And yet I STILL think of you, of the memories.
Of the dreams, hopes, fears and doubts.

This poem was meant to say goodbye, a memo to forget.
Yet all it's done has explained the hell my emotions take me to and the feelings that make me die inside with the thought of life without loving you.

Because even in the pain, loving you was so sweet.

But R this boy, he's doing everything you never got to do.
Maybe your prayer for me was mine too.
That one day we'd be able to find another person that could love us,
More than we could ever love ourselves.

And maybe who knows, one day I'll see you again.
See your gorgeous wife, and your bright blue eyed kids.
See the future you always dreamed of as your reality.
You'll give me a knowing smile,
A quick side hug.
We'll both remember the memories; the past that is long gone.
And when you walk away, I'll look back knowing,
That I never moved on.

The thoughts I've had these past days,
Has led to a war.
A war I've denied my mind the knowledge of knowing
That I'm fighting a war within myself.
But oh, how my heart knew.

Choices and decisions are at my doorstep knocking on wall of my heart.
The entrance has been blocked,
Blocked by fear and doubt that has consumed me.
I've been afraid to decide,
Afraid to choose.

Maybe the choice has never been mine to make,
But mine to follow.
Maybe for once, I must humble the leadership role I have chosen for myself.
And silence my heart that demeans my mind.
Maybe it's time to trust,
Time to hope, time to be free.

After all, who is the one who is writing my story?
It certainly isn't me.
I surrender it all to You.

I want you to know
That even when my eyes close at night,
When I gaze into the depth of the ocean,
When I marvel at the beauty of the stars,
And when I watch the innocent flowers blossom into beauty,
I think of you.

It's in the moments where I find myself alone that I remember you.
The love that use to be mine for you,
Has suddenly disappeared.

But it's when I look at the blue in the river,
That I remember the summer we splashed in it proclaiming our joy to the world.
It's when I look at the grass flowing with the rush of the wind,
That I remember you running after me as we played with children's delight.

It's when I look in the mirror and see who I've become
Is when the pain comes from remembering how things use to be.
It's when I take walks by myself that I imagine your hand grasping mine.
It's when I'm driving that I think back to the dreams I had of going on that date,
That special date that I dreamed of.

Why do I love to dream so much about you?
Why are the memories so beautiful, so sweet, but oh so painful?
You've created a hole in my heart that seems like only you can fix.

How did life turn to this?

The dreams that have been crushed has indeed crushed that hopeful spirit of a little girl that never realized the reality of life.

My only prayer is that life treats you well. Live your life, love it greatly. But please, never forget about the little girl who loved you more than she ever could have loved herself.

The worries that have troubled me
Are completely meaningless.
They are no comparison to the beauty that has been made all around me.
Forgive my doubt, may my transgressions be forgotten, my Lord.

I have forgotten how to look at the beautiful blue sky,
As my clouds filled of my misery has prevented my full sight.
I have forgotten how to count the daisies,
And focused on the weeds consuming them.
I have forgotten how to soar with the wings of eagles,
And spent my days believing my flight is incomparable to others.

Forgive me, my Lord, as I have forgotten your truth, your peaceful words that have brought me out of the dungeon I have placed myself in.
I have found myself caring about worthless things.

Unlock my chains, break and destroy the dungeon that has consumed me.
Destroy the evil and vile things in my heart.
Teach me how to walk in Your path.
Teach me how to love again.

Fix the clouds in my sight so that I may see the beautiful blue sky again that has entranced my eyes.
Fix my daisy garden and cast away all the weeds of destruction in my path.
Fix my wings; bond them to yours. Let me soar to the melodies of your love and grace.
Fix me, oh Lord, I am in need of fixing.
Your love is inimitable and endures through all ages.
Here is my surrender, fix me.