I’ve learned that you always have to make a mess to create something beautiful
Like the way all if the dirt doesn’t quite fit back into the hole you dug to plant the flower bulb in
Or how hours after you’ve finished painting you’re still finding blue under your fingernails and white by your elbow
And sometimes the mess isn’t so fun to make
Often you face a mess you don’t know how to clean
Some messes take years, decades even, to wash off, to wipe up, straighten
Change, uprooting may feel bad, wrong
It’s scary and painful and it seems like hell at times
But never doubt it’s purpose, it’s season, the way it grows and betters you
It makes you beautiful

"I don't know the first thing about love"
I've never known love that wasn't obligated
An " I love you" didn't cut my throat on its way out
That didn't either send me spiraling into panic
Or fleeing a million miles away from my own body
Nothing but love that trapped and silenced and burned
A love with wicked teeth and acid dripping from it's tongue
That seared me to the core and decided even that was worthless
"But they're family, you gotta love 'em, right?"

Now you stand before me
Saying you want nothing in exchange for your love
Just to be here, together,
But I can't
Can't stay until those arms become a cage
Can't wait for those hands to grab me when I run
Can't let the honey dripping from your lips sour and burn
Can't stand here smiling while I wait for the shoe to drop
Can't wait for that 'nothing' to become 'something' to become 'everything' and I just become a 'thing'
To you

And maybe that's not what love is to you
Maybe your love doesn't come with puppet strings or gleaming teeth that slice
Maybe the mere thought of this definition of love
Sends you reeling with anger and pity and revulsion at the injustice of it all
Maybe it scares you
Maybe it makes you rethink everything you've ever known
About this wild, loud, joyous being you're staring down
And maybe like I thought I'm both too much and not enough, broken and melted and rebuilt in a way
That I don't know the first thing about love

I hate roses
I hate the idea that  love
Has been boiled down to
Being velvety and soft and seductive
Just beauty and pain
Something you can find in a grocery store
Half-wilted next to several of the same
Or in a garden, bred and cultivated
To look pretty in a designated area
Cut back when grown too big or wild
I hate that roses embody culture's idea of femininity

You tell me, "It doesn't have to be this way."
But it's the only way I get through another day
I'm a dreamer and a runaway
You locked me in, told me to stay
"Stay quiet, stay here, stay out of my way"
I'm not a doll in your "happy family" play
Ungag me cause I've got hell of a lot to say
You should have left this dog sleeping where it lay
Don't act like I'm the problem, dear
Just because I can't survive living here

I think that too often we become complacent
We want change and wait for it to come to us
We expect others to welcome us in yet we don't go out to meet them where they are
We crave intimacy but are too afraid to bare all of the hidden, rotten places
We want healing but we're the ones who let the hate fester
We want love but we're afraid of getting attached
We want to try something new but only if you do it first

Beside my window
There is a Japanese maple tree
And it is much taller
Than most of its kind
It survived the fire
That burnt down the original
House it stood next to
I want to be like it someday
I want to be able to withstand
Whatever life throws at me
And become more than I could ever dream

Bare feet pad down stairs
A tea kettle murmurs
And in the darkness the loneliness for once
Comforts under the light of a single bulb

Here, in this place, time ceases and
Fatigue bears no claim and
The brash clutter of day is no more
Here in the in-between of existence

Where failures of the previous day refresh and
The imminence of the next's tasks does not yet hold
Here there is peace that sleep lacks
And a solitude fear refuses to enter

This is the refuge of sinners and saints
Where dreamers thrive and wise men seek

I'm here again and I wish I weren't
Stuck between abject apathy
And being overwhelmed
By everything set before me
Don't
Leave me here alone
To do this by myself
I need to know that you're here
To know that if I fall I won't be
Locked in this house alone
Caged and lonely
(I need to know that those I love love me)
(I need to live in their presence)
I don't need anything
But you here with me
Please stay by my side
And I can face it all

Sometimes I think that I'm free
That I've conquered the demons
And am on to bigger and better
Then something simple catches me off guard

"Where are you going?"
An innocent question from a  friend
And it's fight or flight
Those words drag me back, back, back

And how dare I let such ordinary things get to me?
Why can't I move on like everyone else clearly did?

Mother I cannot count on both of my hands
The number of times that I came to you
Asking for you to quiet my fears but instead you
Stole my words

Mother the number of tears I've cried
Is most likely still less than
The number of times I've come to you
With a problem or a worry and you
Made it about you

But Mother I remember when I told you
That I could not take this life any more
And you told me it was just a phase
And you left me to drown in the darkness
Alone

And Mother I recall clearly the day
When Father threatened to turn me
From house and home and you
Just stood there
By his side in silent agreement

And I guess that's the day where
The family house stopped being home
And you stopped being Mom
You might not have noticed it
I've called you many versions of mom
In varying languages
Because you're still a mom
But you're no longer mine

God knows how I wish you were because I miss my Mom

You are strong, dearest love
And you say you are better
That those wounds do not hurt
Any more
But I hear the way your voice quakes
When you say the word home

And you are brave, soul of my soul
When you bare your heart before men,
Those who have silenced it all these long
Years
Because your wild, beautiful thoughts
Tear you within until set free, voiced

And I cry, too, beloved heart
When you say that you love them
Those that caged and beat you
Nonetheless
Because through blood and fire
Family is still family

I was startled when
a friend told me that she
felt sorry for men and their
responsibility as head of family

As if the moment she got married
All choices and fiscal pressures
All control of her life
Would belong to him alone

And in that moment I suffocated
And something died inside me
That this brilliant beautiful creature
Longed for such a sedentary life
That she would willingly step into
Something so opposite to all of my desires
A life so at ease seems stagnant
Drowning, clipped and a locked cage
I’d rather be lonely than let my fire die
I’d rather struggle than not live life to the fullest

I once thought of myself as a terrible
Oily, sharp-clawed beast who could do no
Right
A black- scaled dragon with a heart darker still
My father, the king, often told me I was
The queen shuddered in my presence
And so the scales grew and the fire built in my belly
But I rarely let it out
Or else the king’s men would banish me from the kingdom
And so I told myself that I was evil
And I wished that I could be a human too
So I took my claws to my scales and tried to scratch them off
I filed my fangs into a grin and tried to pass them as human
But it never worked, they always grow back
And I was covered in scars and thicker scales than before
I was so lonely in my cave
And every day the king hunted me
I scratched as the scales grew thicker
Covered in oily filth I could never wash away
But then the Lion came
And maybe change wasn’t all instantaneous
Sure the scratches were painful
As the lion went deeper into my heart
Than I ever could
As he ripped off my scales
And showed me that my heart is good
And washed away the mire I was trapped in
So that I can fly again
At times that old fire still burns
But not in rebellion or fear, no
To protect those who cannot protect themselves

I spend a lot of my time in a seemingly constant high
I’m always down for an adventure, to hang out with friends, to help out
I thrive in chaotic jumbles of people and music and nature
And so often I’m asked where it all comes from
Especially after learning about how things used to be for me
But that’s the thing
It’s because I know that things get better
That fire gets brighter
That the light shines in the darkness, but the darkness does not overcome it
That you can enjoy the little things
And from time to time I get a little lonely
And sometimes I my heart breaks for how things used to be
And then the sun rises again and the day is new
And so often that is all I need

I revel in the small things
In moments set apart by fire and gazing at stars.
In quiet friendships and sharing hearts.
In laughing for no reason and winding country roads
Windows down and music loud.
In wondering and learning and teaching and growing.
Because its all of the small things that make up a life well lived.

Yes I am now free to become
That beautiful, vibrant person
With wide branches and a sturdy foundation
I can express myself
With gorgeous petals and soak in the sun
But often in creating deeper roots
I hit a rock
And suddenly I am back in that tiny planter
Crowded out and unable to find anywhere
To spread my leaves or the smallest patch
Of sunlight
And I have to remember that I am now
In a place that has no walls
I'm outside
And my roots are strong enough
That over time
They can break through rock
That I don't always have to
Tiptoe my way around those
That hold me back
That I can just
Be

Mother I am sorry
I know that you are weak
That you aim to please and
You aim for peace and harmony
Within your household

Mother I am sorry
I know that you are frightened
By things you do not know
And so you cling to your
Ignorance and hatred

Mother I am sorry
Too often you take offense
For things that are not about you
Because you do not understand
Your children's hearts

But mother I am not sorry
For taking stand against
Him who calls you wife
When he hurts you, hurts us
Because you should not allow it

And mother I am not sorry
For admitting who I am
And who I have always been
Even though I am broken
And much too heavy to hold anymore

I, a brave  and naive soul ,
Was born into this wicked world
Wanting nothing more than  
To become someone loved
And someone necessary

It didn't matter to whom
Or by whom this may be
And I soon learned that
That someone might not be family
Even though it broke me repeatedly

I learned quickly
About how my father
Is the mighty hero of the story
And I, as one of his lowly children
The lecherous, lazy villain

And my mother
His naive yet lovely maiden
Always quick to defend
Him, not me, not us her brood
Yet has the gall to say she is on my side

And somehow I wonder
How there is a part of me that still hopes
Still dreams of great things
Still reaches out in hope of more
Still believes that I can be cherished

How this villain can become someone's queen

The funny thing about change is
Most people fear it but
It's always been a big part of my life
I've moved over eleven times
I'm always pushing to try new
Food, new sports, meet new people
So I get extremely uncomfortable
When I'm stuck in the same place too long

When I was younger
I looked at my parents hands
As they engulfed mine
And I wondered when I would
Be big enough to carry so much
Whether it be groceries or burdens
And now, as an adult, my hands
Are still so much smaller
I hope my hands can hold onto
What I love

My head is a thundercloud
Roiling with depressing thoughts
And deep claps of apathy
That give way to startling flashes of anxiety
Still, I know, this too shall pass

Chaos exists where peace collapses
Stagnant does not equal safe

I watched a bird dart through the undergrowth
Only to stop and feed its baby
Which was lying on the ground
A mere three feet away from me
Blending in with the gray pine cones
And it reminded me of all the things
We do not notice when we forget
To just be still

When I talk to people
I've processed things halfway
In the moment
So that later-
in the conversation
or that night-
I realize exactly what
My opinion is or
What I'd truly like to say

It's one of the reasons I like writing poetry

I
    love the way
    flowers speak
           to us

                                 they
    they all           don't ask us
have their own    for much
  significance

But most of all, flowers
   Are never afraid of
    honesty and that's
    what makes them
    B E A U T I F U L

When things got tough in college
I had a threat I'd always make
"I'm running away to Iceland"

I'd adore never ending summer days
Of road trips to seek out hot springs
And camping wherever my feet take me

Icelandic folklore is steeped in magic
It makes me want to dance on volcanoes
With the lava demons from hekla

But mostly I'd love to be a part of
A culture that isn't afraid of failure

I once had someone tell me
That because they knew themself
And their flaws
They could never love themself
And I-
I didn't know quite what to tell them

But I also didn't want to leave it at that
Because we're our own worst judges
We replay everything we've done wrong
And forgive others but not ourselves
Which is just too cruel

And to base the amount of love we accept
From yourself or others
Off the flaws you see in yourself
Is giving up the fight before it's begun
Because you're missing out on so much

You accept the love you think you deserve
But, love, you deserve more than you accept

Sometimes I feel like the moon
Some days I'm bright and cheerful
Eager to give love to all
Other days I'm cautious
Still bright, but not as honest
A few days you only get
The slightest glimpse
Of my heart and my smile
And then there comes a day
Where I shut everyone out
The sun is dark in my eyes
Because even I can't stand myself
But it always gets better
And I always shine bright once more

Beauty is fleeting
Time is more precious than gold
The heart is what lasts

For many of us, being asleep
Is not terribly different than being awake
We interact with our hopes, fears, and wishes
And often see those around us

Most of our time passes unnoticed
Not many things take us by surprise
Enough to take note of it for later
The only differences are action and actuality

Just remember that it's ok to feel out of place sometimes
Afterall, even Earth's orbit is naturally askew
yet it still turns and we are still here
and life goes on

I like how the internet connects
A web truly is an apt description
Pull this string to meet someone
from halfway across the world
who likes the same books as you
Pull that string to learn a new skill
Read a few articles, look at some examples
welcome to the world of graphology
Pull a different string to enter the bazaar
Access to the world's marketplaces
from wherever you are
But most of all, I like how there's
somewhere to hear other's stories
and gain some new perspectives

Welcome back Koine,
I bet someone as strong-willed and stubborn as you
Really is enjoying the wild weather you bring

Daughter of Demeter
Your mother's joy this year is brilliant as ever
As flowers bloom from every corner of the earth

Wife of Hades
How perplexing must this season be for you
A reunion and a goodbye at the same time

Persephone
I hope you get a nice tan this year

In college, I had a friend that we called 'dad'
Because he made awful jokes and puns
And he herded us wild things
But whenever we came back
From holidays you could expect
That all of your knickknacks
were on your bed artfully arranged
And when you were down
He would commandeer
My roommate's horse puppet
(Yeah, you read right, she had a horse puppet)
And do voices and 'bite' you
Until you complied

I
I never had a space
A space that was my own
I have four siblings
You're never alone
But, I
Somewhere along the way
   (Rather early on, actually)
I realized that we don't think
The same ways
At all

And I spent most of my life
Having my opinions drowned out
And I just
Never had the space to
Just process
And form what exactly
I believed and what I wanted
From life
Or even
the space to realize
how I felt
and how to process that

I felt like a plant that
sprang up too close to others
And now that I've been transferred
I have a new planter and the right sunlight
And my soil is  nice and damp
And I'm catching up, I'm flourishing
And I'm learning about myself
But I feel so far behind and I
Just wish I had space earlier
Where I felt safe to grow
The way I was meant

No, I don't have a boyfriend
Or a girlfriend for that matter
Why should I be infatuated
With someone I barely know?
I love nature, I love mountains
I love sitting all day in a lean-to
because it's pouring rain mid-June
I love it when I can't quite jump
To the next rock and
Splash!
Oops, I stepped in the stream
I love going over bridges
I love the still quiet moments of
"This is enough for me"
I love imperfect moments made perfect

Many people use diamonds as metaphors for the worth of hard work
Or a 'refining fire' in which pain and effort make you stronger
What they don't talk about is that diamonds aren't that rare anymore
Everyone has their individual struggles
Everyone works hard for their dreams
And everyone loves a happy ending
But the American dream is a dying thing

A diamonds' worth lies in their symbolism, of promise and unity
But even marriage doesn't last very long anymore
My cousin was married for eight days
I guess what I'm wondering is,
What is the worth of a dream?
Does it fade like that of a diamond?

I  often spend my nights unable to sleep
And in them I think of all those people
who have someone to lie beside them
And sometimes I wish I had someone
Whose love could tame the voices inside
Just enough so I could finally get some sleep
And for years I've called this loneliness
But I've heard it said somewhere along the way
That you can only miss something you've had

So, in that case I guess I'm just jealous

Time is irrelevant to me
It passes and yet I do not move
By running from myself I end up
Imprisoned by my inability to decide
Which direction to go
What to do with myself
Who I want to be
So I go to work and do what is
Expected of me
Of someone who is ruled by time
Avoiding my mind
And I stay where I am
As others pass me by,
Not realizing that I have frozen,
That time is not a constraint
For those who are alive but not living

I find the idea of soulmates
irritating
The idea that there is one person out there
Floating around in the universe
That you somehow out of 7 billion people
Coincidentally meet and they complete you
Complete you
As if you weren't a whole person before
And suddenly nothing else matters because
They are the One who knows you best
And you couldn't possibly love anyone else
Than this one person in your entire life
What utter crap

*Why is our society so obsessed with falling in love
but not actually being in love?

Mother, I love you but
I hate it when:

You try to mend things as soon as they break
Nothing can be wrong in your perfect kingdom
Did you even consider that Humpty Dumpty
Could not be fixed? That maybe, just maybe
There was a reason he fell and a hug cannot
Change the fact that you just told him you
Hated him for loving the prince?

Or maybe you say that you are on my side
But the second the cavalry arrives
You immediately rush to the king's aide
And leave me with whiplash
As you wipe the yolk from your hands
"Oh my, what a terrible fall?"
Who do you think gave the push?

I don't expect you to understand
The need to go to extremes
Just to feel alive, something
Or the way her words take me
From cloud nine to decimated

I don't assume you'll know why
I suffocate after being inside too long
Yet I can't be tamed when outdoors
Why I never raise my voice when we fight
I just lose it instead

I don't want you to fathom why
I can't trust those I love anymore
And my confidant is you alone
Or if you get too close I run
Why being alone is always better

But if you'll listen you might start to

Sometimes I feel like a lost puzzle piece
The one that somehow skittered under the couch
Unnoticed and unnecessary
Until everyone else has found their places

And it feels like forever
Before that hand reaches out to you
Where you sit with the dust bunnies
That one goldfish and two pennies

And the joy when you are found
Is incomparable because
They need you or the whole puzzle
Is worthless

So hold tight a little while longer

It's funny how when we are young
We're taught to be honest
Told that the truth is the best
By adults who deal only in lies
Because honestly they've learned
To fear the truth
And what do we get in return?
Panic attacks from (just thinking about)
how our parents will handle
precious, treasured truths that
we hold in our hearts and
giddily whisper to each other in the dark
with a sense of danger and adrenaline
Yet we can't help but want to share them
with each other, with adults, with the world
(look how beautiful and new and vulnerable it is
this truth that I've hidden in my heart)
Because we were taught to be honest
We long to be honest
But are afraid our precious truths will be tainted
By this society of lies
Created by people who say they love us and want the best for us
But if they really care that much
Then why
Why make it so painful to let you know
What we want the most
What we think is best
To share with the people we love what we love

Like a fire struggling to light
I send off signals hoping someone will help
Because I  am spiraling
            down
                          down
         and I'm afraid that I'll run out of oxygen
             to stay alight, to be bright
      like I was
Like I was meant to be
Some days I burn myself to exhaustion
Lighter fluid doesn't help if nothing catches
Over and over I try to light
To be the hope in this dark night
So please help
                burn bright with me
            to help those
      who are
          struggling
  burn
     taller

My family has always been strange in that we rename everything
And it always made sense to me
They called me something different depending on how I was acting
They've always done it
Except...
I'm the only one whose nickname changes
Depending on whether
I'm snarky and salty and full of Puck-like mirth
                       or
I'm depressed and growling and listless
                        or
I'm light and smiling and childlike, pure joy

and they never overlap and I wonder
which is the real me?
I wake up and instantly know which kind of day it will be depending
On who I wake up as and it seems that most people can't tell the differences between me and... me.

I've always told people that it doesn't matter what they call me-
I often don't recognise myself in the first place
Eventually I'll figure out who they refer to anyway.

Most of the time when people talk to me it catches me
           ...offguard

It's not that I don't like it or I don't want to
I just...
                      I'm not there
(please leave a message I'll be back as soon as possible)
But right now I'm blissfully lost in the ether of the otherness
                      It's quite a long trip back and the road is not clear
You are important to me    I s w e a r
I just need a moment to collect my s el f into that person
That you call "Me" because I'm not her right now
                    I got lost
                                   (again)
I'm not quite sure who I am at the moment
and quite frankly, you startled me    !!!
because I am invisible right now
           (How did you see through my spell
                     How did you not see right through me?)
and like magic
                         I am not r e a l
                                but you are painfully so
Dragging me back to my body time and time again
                   (my head hurts i think i have
                               whiplash)
Oh!
There I am and here you are!
Hello friend!
I'm back to myself again.

Life is full of so many surprises
We try to predict it with cards and stars
Bend it to our will with plans and savings

But what would happen if we just let go?
If we decided that worrying is more stressful
than not
If we decided that one day's burden was enough

But we are afraid of the unknown, we're just human,
after all
Yet we stride forward bravely into the  unknown
Day by day, unaware that the future is already here