you looked at me
through half-closed lids
sleepy smile on your lips
my hand touched yours
swiftly exchanged the smoking gun
I watched your lips wrap around it
and wished it was me instead
if I could freeze time
it would be that moment
locked in the smoky room
and the prison of your mouth

do you remember when we met?
back in that crowded apartment?
dimly lit and packed together with no room to spare
some people wait
their whole lives for that moment
and all I remember is seeing that smile
at the corners of your mouth
but was it really a smile?

months later you flashed me
that same smile
at another house party, in another crowded apartment
where everyone knew that smile
light danced off your eyes
eyes that really knew me
gold and emerald glimmering back at me

we stumbled home in the snow that night
with the same glassy skin
it was then that I knew
how I felt about you-
it was then that I remembered that smile
that smile
that didn’t really look like a smile
but nonetheless
that smile everyone knew

when you and I were us
I used to picture picket fences against green grass
perfectly made beds and rainbow bouquets
but somewhere after three word whispers
and before black lace on bedroom floors,
we turned into just you and just me
and that's when I realized-
we're no longer those golden little things  

really, you and I
we're just this thread
this thread that we keep pulling and pulling and pulling
until I’m naked in front of you
like I have been so many times before
but not just clothes naked
naked like the kind where my skin
has turned into the words I’ve left unsaid

naked like the kind you feel on an operating table
your eyes dissect and slice into me like sterilized metal
foreign and unforgiving
I miss the way they looked at me before
and that's when you see it -
the feelings I can't stop feeling
and these cuts they burn

because I know I can't have what once was
I can't leave my love on this table and make you take it
as if that's ever what you wanted
instead you slice and slice, taking these pieces you want
and I say nothing, I do nothing
but sit there, naked, holding this thread
waiting to stitch myself back together when you leave

sat in the intersection till the light went red,
too busy looking at you instead,
you turned to me in your blackout frames
and laughed as you said my name

there we stood in the dead of night
cups of whiskey in the pale moonlight
saw you smile from behind your glass
as you said you’d marry me with a laugh

and I know it was probably just a joke
but I swear I felt it when you kissed me
never wanted you to let me go,
wrapped up in arms that felt like home

slept away half the day
tangled up in hills of grey
boots next to yours under your bed
picture of you dancing in my head

now I know Wallen said it best
when he said loving a cowboy is different than the rest
I’ve tasted your laugh and you've tasted my pain
now that I’ve loved a cowboy, how could I ever be the same?

watching you behinD the wheel was a view
even The sOnoraN desert couldn't cOmpete with
i remember driving home From Your mOm's
you tUrned to me and said your Mom adored mE
as The girl you couldn't love,
i thinK tHat's the one thing
I'll always have Over the girl yOu did.

we went OUt for dInner with friEnds
and came hoMe without touching hands
tweLVe hOurs and One text later
we ceased to exist...
as if I evEr expresseD the slightest desire
to neveR be with You

I read something about
how boys never end up with manic pixie dream girls;
they just hang around and use her
until someone more docile comes along
when you say you can’t pick me up right now
even though my parents
are cutting each other with words,
I think to when you broke my heart
“we have nothing in common,
and you’re so young”
and I wonder if maybe
I’m your Manic Pixie Dream Girl:
here to teach you about the life you don’t know
about it’s mysteries and nuances,
about wild *** and drunken nights
only for you to leave me again.
when will that happen?
what will she be like?
will I always be someone’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl?

I’d like to know when the words
“you deserve better”
became a placeholder for
“I’m leaving you”

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty.
and when it's good, it's grand.
i will paint your skies every shade of purple i can find.
i will stand by your side like man's best friend,
fighting for you, fighting with you.

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty,
but when it's bad...it's bad.
but i will still be here when
you say my skies look more like bruises
from fighting too hard, too much-
words thrown like fists, messy and unrefined.
i will still be here even when
you tell me my lavender sky was unrealistic,
my head always stuck in the clouds.

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty-
but what good does that combination do me
when they aren't together anyways?

i mIss your Hand in Mine
the way timE Flies
the sound of your Laugh
the way your EyEbrowS crinKLe
at the tastE of avOcado

tangLed limbs and midnighT gigglEs
you wAtched My fAvorite moVie
without Even heSitating
kissEs on my foreheaD
and the tiP of my NosE
isn't this hOw Love goEs

it's been five years of this back and forth
this come over tonight
but only for a while
and i'll see you again soon.

it started at seventeen
because i still loved you.
i didn't know how to let go
and you didn't hold on.

soon you will leave me again.
i'm not sure what happens to us-
or whatever this is.
i'm afraid to ask
because some part of me
will always be holding on to you.
and i fear that these five years
have already been forgotten
that you've let go
that i'm still holding on alone.
again.

allow me to set the scene:
the lights are low- or maybe off-
or maybe you’re illuminated by each other’s smiles
and the dimly lit faerie lights draped along the headboard.
the blankets are pushed to a corner
and somewhere tangled in the sheets
are the clothes you showed up in.
the walls you’ve built have been completely
and irrevocably destroyed- but for once, that’s okay.
you can feel the weight of his ribs against your hips,
this is what you’ve been waiting for-
well not this, but him.
“stay” you whisper.
and of course, he continues.
you could swear everything is just melting around you
because you look at his face
and it’s like you’re somewhere beyond cloud nine
but this is not what you meant.
“stay” did not mean put your hands on my thighs
and keep going.
it didn’t mean keep your clothes off.
“stay” meant come lay down next to me
and hold my hand when you think i’m sleeping
it meant let’s fall asleep to the sound of each other’s laugh.
“stay” meant bare feet under covers
and space heater skin
I wish I understood how these emotions became ******* like this
it’s the *** before the feeling
but why does it have to be like this?
i always find myself apologizing
and wondering what’s wrong with me-
i can’t help that i find a deep emotional investment within people
i can’t help that when i look at you
i feel like every poem i’ve ever read
but it seems like you and i have been reading different books.

when we met i saw stars
and not just the ones in the sky
but the ones in your eyes
and the ones that danced in the air when you laughed
i waited days and weeks and months
before i asked what we were doing
to which you said things would happen
but you needed time, so nothing felt rushed
and since then you have told me
that you never felt a moment
that pushed you to be in a relationship...
i was a competitive swimmer for ten years
so, naturally, water is where i’m most comfortable
you say this and i think back to summer
where days were spent running in and out of the ocean
waist deep in water where i can still jump waves
only, this time i jump too soon and i’m thrown under-
i can feel the sand scraping my knees, my shoulders, my back
the salt burns and burns... and burns
i sit on the towel for a minute
but something calls me back to the water
because i know the burn
and i’d rather feel the burn
than never touch the ocean again
i’d take a hundred bad waves
for the salty smell and the sun in my hair any day.
this is just a bad wave.
i tell you not to worry
if you need time, take it;
i will tread the water and i will take the burn
because at some point it will get dark...
hopefully you’ll see the stars then too

you say you are afraid
afraid that something deeper
is going to end up hurting you
as it always does

but at what point
do you realize
you cannot have deeper
without the hurt

because the risk of pain
pales in comparison
to finding someone worth keeping

my fingers shook against the white buttons
perched at the hollow of your throat.
i stuttered through an apology
i was eighteen
and still hopelessly in love with you

and i know i gave you up
but there we were
lips against my cheek
thumbs against your hip bones
your shirt on the floor of the car
pink lace on the dashboard

i smiled at the face i knew
and the lips i'd missed
and the laugh i'd loved

you showed up a week later
a new blonde against your side

i still don't know what i should have said

my life is becoming a series of unfinished poems
there's one about the time
we walked home drunk
and kissed in the snow
I remember it so vividly
and there's one about the time you slept over
and how you held my hand
when you thought i was sleeping
but these poems are unfinished
likely because you and i
are unfinished business-
or rather, unofficial, unlabeled, I'm unsure-
I don't even know what we are
And I want to ask,
but then i remember that i am supposed to be the cool girl
the girl who does not care about what we are doing
and doesn't like labels
the girl who says "yes come over and drink"
but doesn't worry about what she'll confess when drunk
the girl who is okay with making out
but just calling this friends
the girl who doesn't ask questions
because she doesn't care about answers
but i am young and i am not the cool girl
i have never been the cool girl
questions to me are spaces to write answers
answers that i want to know
that i want to learn
that i want to hear
so please
just tell what this is. what we are.
i don't know why this seems to be so hard

when I think of you
I think of your eyes and the way you spooned me when you thought I was sleeping
I think of cinnamon whiskey and the time we stumbled home in the snow
I think of the bones by your hips and my hands tracing the freckles on your chest
I think of your space-heater skin and the sound of your laugh
and sometimes when I think of you
it's like I can't think at all
as if I'm too caught up in you to think straight

the last night we went out
you brought me white daisies.
they reminded me of when we met.
i left them on the counter,
and followed you to the car.
we came home- straight to my bedroom.
the next morning i tiptoed to the kitchen,
looking for you,
but instead i found the daisies all wilted and brown.
i thought you had the Midas touch of love,
but like the daisies,
i was dead the second you touched me.
*i wouldn't change a thing.

one day
i hope to meet someone
who makes me write the way you did
-but better-
no one else has gotten the words out
and i can feel them stuck inside
i want them out

i will never know you better
than i did the moment
i woke to your bare skin
and quiet snores

your lips on mine
and a hand on my shoulder
says welcome back
your lips on my shoulder
and me in your arms
says **welcome home

i woke up to the sound of you snoring-
wondering why it took us
so long to get here
and more importantly
wondering why nothing else
has ever felt this right

YoU left With a shot tO my cHest,
the Air iS leavinG my lungs
i suppose i'll just laY here
i dOn't Need Your help Because
You always haTed that I was sO DependEnt
i wish i'D learneD cpr

if there's a hOle in my rib cage,
is it still a Cage?

please take yoUr knife;
I tHink that's my lung.

it started with the friends,
and moved to the benefits
friends + benefits
we lessened the benefits
but we stayed friends
benefits - benefits
now you've ignored the friends
benefits - friends
here we are,
friends + benefits - benefits - friends
and we went into this knowing there was an end,
but who would've guessed the end meant you'd never to speak to me ever again?

love her,
leave her.
there is nothing more to it.

he kisses my shouldeR-
And woW, that's a really nice bElt
his hands are on my hips-
but What do you fear most?
he opens His bedroom door-
is this the Answer To my question
or the bEginning of *yours?

you put your hAnds on my chesT,
you kiSsEd my nEck-
but quick, LOok at your Wrist-
Are thOse my VeIns
wrappeD arouNd You,
or juSt the sTraps to my top?

you told me to stop Writing abOut you
because all you ReaD was bitterneSs,
but who are you to Decide
what stOries are Not mine To teLl?
As if every Single syllable
uTtered from you lips isn't mine now.
did you think thAt i would forget?
or maybe you thought the wind
would pick up your wordS
and shuffle thEm awAy
like fall leaveS-
here tOday, but goNe tomorrow.

you were my whole world,
but you left without reason.
something within me has gone
it has never returned.

loving you should've been
whispers of admiration,
longing,
happiness-
puppy love
in every sense.
but loving you was
slashes to the wrist,
the hip,
the thigh-
self destruction
in its purest form.

(1) October
leather converse and a grey hoodie,
lipslipslips
behind the pool,
but it could have been the Eiffel Tower,
all I saw was you.

(3) December
silver bells and open flames,
familyfamilyfamily
always made me feel safe,
but nothing could protect me
from the icy gaze of your mother.

(4) January
icy nights and harry potter,
lovelovelove
like the howling wind at midnight,
whispered in my ear,
but did i hear you right?

(5) February
reds and pinks
kisskisskiss
grazing along my skin,
as if you had the Midas' touch,
so why were the roses you gave me already dead?

(7) April
freckled skin and fruity lotion
legslegslegs
spread apart like your favorite book,
wishing for the soft gaze of adoration,
but knowing it was only lust.

(9) July
warm sand and chlorine kissed skin,
handshandshands
you promised to keep me up,
but when the waves came,
I choked on water, while you laughed in the sun.

(11) September
school bells and new cars,
leatherleatherleather
warm under the sun,
sticking to my legs,
just like your lips on my neck.


(13) November
tan blankets and thanksgiving break,
friendsfriendsfriends
seventeen candles stuck around the cake,
ready for the wish
I thought had come true.

(14) December
windy nights and rainy mornings
fightfightfight
we couldn't see eye to eye,
and the lines between blame and fault,
blurred and turned grey.

(15) January
cloudy days and lonely nights,
alonealonealone
I said goodbye,
and sometimes I still wonder why-
but your mother never liked me anyway.

it was october,
and you bought me dinner.
in december,
it was a tee shirt
and february,
it was pink roses.

in april,
you came with a blue sundress.
and july,
it was the little black kitten.
in september,
it was a movie.

my birthday came in november,
and that time it was a necklace.
in december,
it was dinners,
and movies,
a bracelet-
all just things.

because in the end,
you'd given me everything
I'd ever wanted,

but you never gave me
what i needed,
and all along that was you.

1.  She will love you more than anything, but she will grow tired of the bitter taste your words leave.

2. She will leave you and you will deny yourself the right to feel anything for her. It will **** you.

3. She will spend her nights with a pencil or pen, and you will fill yours with a different girl each time- desperately trying to find someone who's eyes look like hers.

4. No one will compare to her, but you will fail to learn that. She will be one of a kind and you are a jack of all trades. She will continue being her own and you will become just another card in the deck.

5. She will forgive you for every mistake, but she will not forget the way your words left scars on her chest.

6. All she will ever want is to feel like you fight for her, but you'll never go to bat for anything other than yourself.

7. If it would bring you back, she would apologize for every second thought and every slash of tongue- and she would mean it.

8.  She will try and reconcile as best she can, but she will always seem to forget how stubborn you are.

9. You will love her more than any other woman in your life, and she will feel the same. When she leaves, you will find yourself looking for her in everyone- but she will move on without you.

10. For her, it will always be you. You could come back in three years, and live four time zones ahead, and she will wake up at two am just to make sure you slept okay. Her arms will always be open, with your name etched into her ribs.

11. For you, she will always be stained by the bitterness of your abandonment. An abandonment you will bring upon yourself, when you decide that the girl next door is better than the one in your bed.

12. She will want to stay friends- close, but not too close; you should let her, but you won't. I feel sorry for you- everyone wants her on their side. She will love fiercely and she will support you even when you don't deserve it.

13. It doesn't matter what girls you will try and love after her because none of them will be as good. She will know your past and your future, she will love you even when your insecurities shine like headlights. She will know and she won't care.

14. Every girl you will try to love is made up of pieces of her. One will love cats, another will swim and another will be very quiet. You will search for her in every girl you meet, but you will never find her. You will never find her because she will finally run away from your headlights, your bitter words and the knives you throw at her chest.

15. When you finally realize all of this, it will be too late to catch her.

the early winter rain had come and gone,
clouds suggested a part,
as little rays of gold spilled through.

voices spilled from in front of us,
petty words and silly plots.
and there we sat,
curled against each other,
under feathers and fleece,
skin on my shoulder,
fingers on your hips.

i felt the hissing next to my ear,
i just wish i could remember the words.
but instead, i'm plagued by the vision:
my tediously shaking hands,
hesitantly moving against your skin,
awkward, uncomfortable, out of place. 

i remember feeling afraid,
as if i would shatter every piece of you.
i've realized that
i was terrified of breaking
the one beautiful thing in my life.

winter had set in,
permanent blots of grey for miles,
and god, the wind kept me up till orange filled the sky.

but the cold brought friends,
and demons made a home in the back of my mind-
they all whispered about you.

and so a new vision set in:
throats closed around unspeakable words,
as it rained harder inside that car than any sky ever could
and just like winter knocks the leaves from fall's hands,
my shaky hands dropped you to the floor-
beauty seems so hard to come by since then.

maybe it's because i lost you,
maybe it's the demons whispering into my ears-
i couldn't exactly tell you why, but
i always cry in january.

I had you over for my birthday
Two years ago
                                                             ­                           -Don't you remember?
We watched a movie.
You used that blanket from my bed.
The old plaid one.
It was tan and blue.
I forgot the title of that movie.
                                                                ­         -That actress you like was in it.
Pieces of the memory must've bled away in the shower,
Just drips down the drain.
                                                                ­                  -it only took one this time
I love that blanket.
I use it every night.
Pulled up to the tips of my ears.
But strewn to the left.
                                                           ­  -I have to sleep with one foot out now
I think it smells like you.
                                                                ­     -I've washed it a hundred times.
Or maybe it just a memory.
I have this old fleece blanket.
It's plaid
                                                           ­                     -a plaid of tans and blues...
I think tan is a warm color.
                                                          ­        -but not as warm as your fingertips
Nothing's ever the same as you.
Even though I love that blanket
It will never be you.
It will never keep me warm like your arms did.
It will never love my laugh like you did.
Not now. Not soon. *Not ever.

For 18 years,
I had hair down to my hips.
Blonde and curly-
My trademark.
I left you
And with a quick decision,
My hair fell to the floor at your feet-
I'd hoped that if I didn't look
Like the girl who broke your heart,
I wouldn't feel like her either.

Your fingertips wandered
The forests of my skin,
for a year, three months and one week.

Your kisses lingered around my neck,
Pearls strung delicately across a haphazard creation.
Your thumbprints were inked across my ribcage,
Polka dots on my least favorite sweater.
Your fingers mined gems from the ridges of my hipbones,
Diamonds found within the depths of my self-loathing.
Your lips planted daisies the crooks of my collarbones,  
Black-holes of misery turned into a rainbow of gardens.

I have not felt your embrace
Or heard your voice,
In a year, eleven months, a week and four days.

The pearls have been replaced
With the noose of your bitterness.
Your thumbprints have become plum-colored bruises,
Diamonds have turned to coal,
And, like a fool,
I mistook daisies for venus fly traps-
They catch every thought of you,
And I'm now I'm closed in.

I am standing alone,
In a too-crowded room,
Between a fellow ex,
And your newest fad,
Finally I realize,
I am just another name on a list-
You never loved me,
I was just another conquest-
Nothing more than an insignificant battle
In the war of your life.
* But the battlefield has since become my burial ground.

I firmly believe that the issue with us
was not an uncanny ability to dissemble,
but rather intense desire.

You craved submission and control,
you wanted compliance
and you sought out a weakness I didn't know I had.

I craved acceptance and confidence,
I wanted acquaintance.

In your pillage of my soul
you took a piece of me
that's need I knew not.

You took the very piece holding me together
and tried to shove it into yourself,
hoping, wishing, praying
it would make you who you wanted to be.

And in the flurry of your thievery,
you ripped me apart
and left me without the innocence
I'd never know.

You left in the midst of winter
I was okay
But then I felt the wind
Blowing through my chest

I tried to find a boy to fill it,
To keep me warm.
The one with the tan skin,
And the one with the icy eyes,
But it never worked.

You didn't leave a perfect hole,
Not a circle,
Not a square,
But ragged and crooked.
You were gone in a blink,
And I haven't seen you since

**I'm beginning to like the cold

It took me months to open you up,
And find all of your secrets,
And in those months,
You slowly changed  
We are to
We *were

A year has passed,
And here we are:
Lover to lover,
Ex to ex,
Face to face.

My hair is short now-
I cut off fourteen inches.
And my skin is paler.

You've gotten taller,
I always felt like a child around you.
Your eyes are greener.

You're looking at me-
Studying me.
You tell me I look different-
You tell me I look prettier.

I smile and mumble thank you.
You smile too,
But your eyes are dark,
And your hands are trembling-

I am prettier now.
I talk more. I'm different.
I'm what you wanted.

And now you panic.
You're scared and you're angry.
You lost me.
You lost me and you wish now,
That you could come back.
You wish that you'd never said those words-
"This is where I leave you"

For a while,
I wished too.
But now, you can watch.
You can watch me
Grow and talk and get prettier
You can watch me walk away
Away from you now,
And away from everything we had.
I don't wish anymore.

Now I walk away.
Now, this is where I leave *you.

I found my way to the river last week.
The current is keeping me afloat
The sun tanned my skin
The dirt ran through my hair
And the rocks almost never hit me
So I swam and swam and swam.

I came home and told you about how great it was.
I am back again today.
The current is against me  
The sun is burning it's words onto my skin
The dirt is tangled up in my throat
And the rocks hit my rib cage like bullets.
You're not here anymore.
But I'm swimming.
I will swim and swim and swim.

1*
i used to talk aBout you liKe
you ContrOlled the oCean's tides
but now you're gonE.
you're gone And i'M drowning.
2
It took You six weeks to kiss me
because yOu Said you were waiTing
untIL the time feLt right...
how Long did yoU wait
until it was the right time
tO leaVe mE?
3
I used to know You
lIke freckles on My Skin,
but yOu left
now even yoUr name
iS foreign to me.
4
It took me one yEar
a foot of haiR
and hanDfuls of ignoreD texts
but now i'Ve learned:
You'rE not coming back.
yoU dOn't love me.
5
they say
the effecTs of AlCohol
beGin dImiNshing an hoUr
aftEr every drink.
iT's been nine mOnths
and i still feeL You
bUrninG dOwn my throat.
6
are an empty hoUse
and unheard soUnds
reason enough to Call you
or can i only hear Your voice
when it's telling me tO
go **** myself?

i can hear my heart beating,
but it doesn't bother me.
i can hear birds chirping,
but it's so dull.
i can hear my favorite song playing,
but it's just noise.
i can see you,
but you say nothing.
            this silence is deafening.

We used "I love you" like a heartbeat.
Hoping that saying it
would make us feel something .
Hoping that our midnight whispers
would make it real.
I've since discovered
that you're nothing
but a broken mirror.
Now I'm bleeding out.

A blink of an eye
Dry throat,
Silent words,
Too hard to speak.
Bitter encounters,
A Broken heart,
Desperate cries,
Fell unto deaf ears.
I fought like hell.
You're still gone.