Dear past self,

He was never the one.

Stop being so hung up on a guy that treated you like garbage. Used you like a door mat, only wanted you when it was convenient. He was material, so conscious of what other people thought and hurt you because of it. Judged you, talking down to you.

He's a good guy, he is. But he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

Don't regret dating him though, because he led up to the best person you have ever locked eyes with. Don't regret dating him because he made you realize that you are more precious than any diamond or gold. He made you realize what you want, what you don't, what you deserve, and what you don't.

Wish for his happiness, because him leaving you brought you the best thing in the world. He's your best friend of six years and we didn't even know he was our soul mate.

So thank you ex-boyfriend of high school past. And thank you new love of college future.

All my love and more,
Future yourself

i catch you looking at me
like the Disney prince looks at his love,
big eyes
sparkling,
soft smile
warm.

i ask you,
"why are you looking at me like that, you nerd?"
"because you're so beautiful. because i just love you so, so much."

my heart is weak
to your gentle hands
to your sweet kiss
to your complete honesty
to you
you
you.

i am so, so weak.

why didn't anyone tell me this is what love felt like?
overflowing,
like a warm bath.
soft,
like morning kisses.

i love every morning that i'm entwined with you.
i love you.
so so much.

why didn't anyone tell me it was you?
it was always you.

I look back at all I wrote about the boy who played baseball. Who had three dogs, now four. Who was the only boy out of four sisters. Who says "God isn't real" because he lost his dad at age 12. Who was so handsome.

We've been apart for a year or so and I couldn't be happier. I hope he's happy too. He's in college now, the college I'm going to in August; funny how things work out.

But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him in a long, long time.

I remember when I thought that I loved him. That he was the one. That because he told me we were going to get married one day, that actually were.

I never loved him the way you love the one. But I did love him, in a way. I don't regret him breaking up with me. I only regret telling him "it's okay" through choked sobs and invalidating my feelings. I regret hating him for so long for breaking my heart then trying to date one of my best friends not even three months later.
I shouldn't have been mad, not really.

But now, since the summer, I realized what I had been missing for years. That my best friend---funny, strange, sweet, blonde mop top---was the one I'm supposed to be with. Maybe I'm being naive and getting ahead of myself, thinking that he is the one. Maybe I too easily think people are the one. But this love I have never experienced before, and it's so magical.

Maybe this one will end up in flames like every other one.
Maybe this one will end up with a queen sized mattress and sweet love-making in mid-morning.
I can't see the future, but God, I wish I would have stopped ******* around and asked him out years ago. Instead of dancing around each other; snuggling, holding hands, napping together, for years. Knowing that I liked him, but was too afraid to act.

I was so dumb.
I am still so dumb.
But I couldn't be happier with how life is right now.

please don't say i'm "trouble"
to my father
my mother

because i am an attractive young lady
and boys will come calling.

that is not a compliment.

"she's trouble."

that makes me feel like it's my fault
that boys will regard me in disgusting ways,
will want to slip a hand up my skirt,
leave.

make me feel
it's my fault that he doesn't love me anymore
because i wouldn't let him shove his **** in me
like he desperately begged me to.
we've been together for seventeen months
i love you,         please **** my ****

no i will not feel guilty

i will not let him take what's mine.
and he leaves to find someone who will bend
to every i love you
and please
over a table so he can bury himself inside her.



compliment me.
call me :
pretty
smart
kind
compassionate
creative

stop saying i'm trouble
because my face is nice

it's not my fault that boys believe
that girls are born to cater to their every
throbbing *******
in sunday church



get down on your knees and pray
face buried in the pelvis of God.
ironic.

i miss you
i miss how you used to touch me so gently and it felt like a fire kissing my skin

i wish you would have stayed longer so i could map out your body
so you could map out mine
but i was the one who always said "wait just a little longer"
"not yet"

i knew if i gave myself away to you it would be harder when you left me
im glad i didnt
and yet i wish i had

because now i cant even touch myself knowing that youre not going to touch me again

i want you to leave hickeys all over me
i want to leave hickeys all over you and claw the **** out of your back when you give me a Love Injection
i want you to walk around and people see that Youre Mine

but you left me
you dont love me, not anymore
and yet i do still love you like Day 1
youve probably moved on since the month weve been apart
but i havent
i cant
because it feels like im betraying you

it feels wrong walking past you in the hall and only being about to look at you from the corner of my eye.
i miss you a lot.
it hurts to see you happy without me.
youre so ******* beautiful.
i hate you.

No damsel in distress here.
Just a hollow shell.
A heart so cold that if you try to touch it you will die of hypothermia.
I am a parasite.
So leave before I spread from your lips to your heart.
My deep blood red lipstick on your lips is nothing but a poison.
My hand that glides across your face as I rub it is me luring in my prey.
I am not innocent,
I am not able to love,
I am not yours,
I am dead already.
**So don't **** with the girl with the lipstick on