Dear past self,

He was never the one.

Stop being so hung up on a guy that treated you like garbage. Used you like a door mat, only wanted you when it was convenient. He was material, so conscious of what other people thought and hurt you because of it. Judged you, talking down to you.

He's a good guy, he is. But he wasn't ready for a serious relationship.

Don't regret dating him though, because he led up to the best person you have ever locked eyes with. Don't regret dating him because he made you realize that you are more precious than any diamond or gold. He made you realize what you want, what you don't, what you deserve, and what you don't.

Wish for his happiness, because him leaving you brought you the best thing in the world. He's your best friend of six years and we didn't even know he was our soul mate.

So thank you ex-boyfriend of high school past. And thank you new love of college future.

All my love and more,
Future yourself

i catch you looking at me
like the Disney prince looks at his love,
big eyes
sparkling,
soft smile
warm.

i ask you,
"why are you looking at me like that, you nerd?"
"because you're so beautiful. because i just love you so, so much."

my heart is weak
to your gentle hands
to your sweet kiss
to your complete honesty
to you
you
you.

i am so, so weak.

why didn't anyone tell me this is what love felt like?
overflowing,
like a warm bath.
soft,
like morning kisses.

i love every morning that i'm entwined with you.
i love you.
so so much.

why didn't anyone tell me it was you?
it was always you.

I look back at all I wrote about the boy who played baseball. Who had three dogs, now four. Who was the only boy out of four sisters. Who says "God isn't real" because he lost his dad at age 12. Who was so handsome.

We've been apart for a year or so and I couldn't be happier. I hope he's happy too. He's in college now, the college I'm going to in August; funny how things work out.

But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him in a long, long time.

I remember when I thought that I loved him. That he was the one. That because he told me we were going to get married one day, that actually were.

I never loved him the way you love the one. But I did love him, in a way. I don't regret him breaking up with me. I only regret telling him "it's okay" through choked sobs and invalidating my feelings. I regret hating him for so long for breaking my heart then trying to date one of my best friends not even three months later.
I shouldn't have been mad, not really.

But now, since the summer, I realized what I had been missing for years. That my best friend---funny, strange, sweet, blonde mop top---was the one I'm supposed to be with. Maybe I'm being naive and getting ahead of myself, thinking that he is the one. Maybe I too easily think people are the one. But this love I have never experienced before, and it's so magical.

Maybe this one will end up in flames like every other one.
Maybe this one will end up with a queen sized mattress and sweet love-making in mid-morning.
I can't see the future, but God, I wish I would have stopped ******* around and asked him out years ago. Instead of dancing around each other; snuggling, holding hands, napping together, for years. Knowing that I liked him, but was too afraid to act.

I was so dumb.
I am still so dumb.
But I couldn't be happier with how life is right now.

please don't say i'm "trouble"
to my father
my mother

because i am an attractive young lady
and boys will come calling.

that is not a compliment.

"she's trouble."

that makes me feel like it's my fault
that boys will regard me in disgusting ways,
will want to slip a hand up my skirt,
leave.

make me feel
it's my fault that he doesn't love me anymore
because i wouldn't let him shove his **** in me
like he desperately begged me to.
we've been together for seventeen months
i love you,         please **** my ****

no i will not feel guilty

i will not let him take what's mine.
and he leaves to find someone who will bend
to every i love you
and please
over a table so he can bury himself inside her.



compliment me.
call me :
pretty
smart
kind
compassionate
creative

stop saying i'm trouble
because my face is nice

it's not my fault that boys believe
that girls are born to cater to their every
throbbing *******
in sunday church



get down on your knees and pray
face buried in the pelvis of God.
ironic.

i miss you
i miss how you used to touch me so gently and it felt like a fire kissing my skin

i wish you would have stayed longer so i could map out your body
so you could map out mine
but i was the one who always said "wait just a little longer"
"not yet"

i knew if i gave myself away to you it would be harder when you left me
im glad i didnt
and yet i wish i had

because now i cant even touch myself knowing that youre not going to touch me again

i want you to leave hickeys all over me
i want to leave hickeys all over you and claw the **** out of your back when you give me a Love Injection
i want you to walk around and people see that Youre Mine

but you left me
you dont love me, not anymore
and yet i do still love you like Day 1
youve probably moved on since the month weve been apart
but i havent
i cant
because it feels like im betraying you

it feels wrong walking past you in the hall and only being about to look at you from the corner of my eye.
i miss you a lot.
it hurts to see you happy without me.
youre so ******* beautiful.
i hate you.

i heard you asked about where i am during lunch period
i heard you were disappointed that i hide in the art room

i heard you miss me
i wish you would just kiss me

but youll change your mind when i come aroud again
"we're just friends"

right ?

i had a dream about you last night

you came to my home and asked me to lie down with you
i didnt ask why because i knew it would scare you off
so i curled into your chest like i used to

it felt right and strange all at once
in a wave
you said everything was okay and you were sorry

i woke up in tears feeling the ghost of your arms around me

i love kissing
in the back of the bus
pitch black at 11 PM
i kissed three people right on the mouth, i loved it

(it's been almost a month since you've been gone, maybe it's time to move on?)

she had red hair ,dyed, and a cherub face, curvy and boisterous
her lips were soft and she took the lead
i couldnt stop smiling

she had a pixie cut and a beanie,
almost six foot and quiet
she kissed passionate and quick leaving me weak in the knees

he had long blue hair
a year younger than me, but it wasnt strange (??)
he was awkward and fumbled
but i liked it anyway

i was kissed seven times in two hours, it was fun and i felt okay

and yet i looked for you in everyone of them
feeling empty when i climbed in bed

my one true desire is to one day be so beautiful, inside and out, that everyone falls in love with me.
but i will only sit on my thrown because even if they do fall in love with me ill still be lonely.

i texted you to tell you how i feel
she said it would make me feel better
i told you i missed you and love you and respect you

you said,
"We're cool."

i was disappointed thats all i got
but maybe thats all i deserve

the cold wind bit my cheeks and turned them red
and in a wise way she said
"when i was in high school i was completely in love with this boy Derek, then he broke up with me and i thought i could never go on. i smothered him too much with my love."

my eyes well up with tears because i dont want to hear it
because when i see him it feels like i swallowed burning coals
and they burn low in my gut for 2.5 hours

maybe i didnt give him enough love
maybe i respected his personal space and wishes too much
maybe i didnt give him enough attention

and the low burn is back again
my knees are weak
i feel sick

its feels like the end of the world because hes okay and im still here waiting for him to come back
but i know ill be okay in time
no matter how much i deny it

i didnt lose love.
love decided that i wasnt worthy, and left.
but i still feel in branded deep beneath my skin.

im starting to feel better since you left.
i painted my nails yellow and it makes me happy just like when Van Gogh ate yellow paint.
im starting to take the buds off my plants to plant more because they make me smile.
im starting to ride my bike again to get my mind off you and exert built up energy.

but i still enjoy making myself cry by looking at your social media so what youre up to and that youre alright.

single and never going to mingle again unless they're someone absolutely special or He comes back.

people are slowly finding out that i'm no longer in a relationship and girls will hit on me in the hallway and kiss my cheek and asking for a nice sloppy kiss on the mouth.
i wish i was strong enough to kiss those pretty girls right on the mouth and completely forget about Him.

but i wont, because i cant, i feel like i'm cheating on Him in some way even though he's already gone and completely forgotten i exist.
(completely erased me even though He loved me for 15 months.)

i want to talk to Him, thinking of Him keeps me up at night crying, seeing Him makes me cry and feel nauseous, watching Him be fine makes me angry, i'm terrified of Him after he left me with a broken heart.

(there's so much power a person has when they have your heart in their hand and can crush it at any moment, it's scary.)

it makes me happy when people say,

"I can't belive he broke up with you. He has no idea what he just lost, you're so amazing and beautiful. Forget him."

but i can't believe it or want to because i love Him. i love Him so much that it's hard to breathe.

i wanna throw a temper tantrum and yell at you and make you see that im in pain because i havent seen you since the day you said, "i cant be in a relationship right now".
im so ******* angry that i love you more than anything and still look at you like you put the stars in the sky.

IM SO ******* ANGRY THAT YOU DONT WANT ME ANYMORE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS AFTER SIXTEEN MONTHS OF I LOVE YOUs AND KISSES AND WRESTLING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR AND MOVIE DATES AND **** OFFS BEFORE SCHOOL IN THE CHURCH PARKING LOT

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

i remember when you were excited about the poems i wrote for you like one of our anniversaries i made you a mix cd with songs that reminded me of you ( you kept it in your car for a whole year and played it on our anniversary date ). i also wrote you more poems than i can count on two hands and shoved them into an envelope adressed to you and you read them all, you loves them and you kept them on your bookshelf beside you bed.

have you looked at them at all since then ? have you listened to it since then ?

sometimes i wish i liked alcohol so i could go numb and drunk text you at 3 AM that i still love you

remember when i wrote poems about how much i love you,
i still do.

i've never desired to be selfish more than i do at this moment.
take you away so you are alone with me
your hand in mine, squeeze for comfort
eyes looking at me, through me
smile like the sun, for me because i made you laugh
sweaty palms pawing at the inside of my thigh, secluded together
i love you's shared with only each other

but i will not be selfish.

i will not cry on my couch at 7:10 AM before school because i know i'll see you.

i will not talk about you to my friends and they will not ask me how i am.

i will not hide in the bathroom during lunch so i don't have to see you be okay while i am heart broken.

i will not sneak glances around the hall in search for your heart-melting eyes.

i will not be selfish.

i'm thinking about you again and my chest feels hollow.
i keep making jokes to try and make myself feel better, but i'm making it worse.
i want to text you and tell you that i miss you but i can't find the will power.
i wonder what you're doing right now and if you miss me as much as i miss you.

it's sunday night and i'm latched onto my body pillow, crying in the dark, pretending it's you that i'm lying my head on instead of a cloth full of cotton.
i think of how i'll dress really cute tomorrow in hopes that it will make you look at me and think "wow, i can't believe i let her go."
but you won't look at me.
it won't make you think anything.
you won't care.
and i need to let go.
but i can't.
not with this sliver of hope.

do you ever think of me?
do you smell the clothes i had of yours that still smell like me?
do you ever think "why did i leave her"?
do you ever wish you could take it all back?
do you regret ripping out my heart?
do you remember everything we did together?
do you feel the ghost of my hand on yours?
do you still love me?
do you want me back?

you probably don't.

i try to convince myself that you just need time alone to figure who you are, what you want, where you're going and that you will come back. i know i'm a fool for believing that and i hate myself for giving my heart false hope.

my phone buzzes and my heart skips a beat, my eyes turn to saucers, but it's not you. my breath hitches and my eyes well.

friend : "are you okay today?"
me : "i'm fine, thanks."

i stare at the door you would knock on, letting yourself in gracefully after practice, after school, after work. i wait all day but you never show up. i shake my head and move back to the couch and wrap myself up in a blanket for another hour of crying.

i wander down the halls to class and i hold my breath in hopes i will get a glimpse of you. and yet i try to force myself to look down, i don't want to scare you off, you're already so timid. i never see you.

i lay in bed looking at the ceiling waiting for the medicine to kick in to help me sleep because my mind is filled with you you you. i can't sleep. i repeat over and over, "he doesn't love me anymore. he doesn't love me anymore." but i'm still hopeful he does.

i still remember when you first said i love you in the back seat of my moms car while i was singing terribly to my favorite song that week. i was so taken aback and filled to the brim with pure joy that i made you repeat it three more times. my face was red and my hands shook nervously. i whispered i love you too and slid my hand over yours and squeezed tightly.

i still love you as much as i did when you first stole my heart. and you gave my heart back gently and in my hands it turned to dust. i miss you, i do, and i wish you loved me too.

YOU GENTLY PLACED MY HEART ON THE GROUND, TURNED AROUND AND LEFT FEELING GUILTY FOR ALLOWING ME TO HAVE UNREQUITED LOVE FOR YOU. A YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS PUT DOWN THE DRAIN AND I'M DROWNING.

YOU'RE SO GENTLE AND IT FEELS LIKE YOU RAN ME OVER WITH A ******* TRAIN SEVEN TIMES. I'M IN PAIN. DO YOU CARE? DO YOU NOTICE? I'M SURE YOU'RE PERFECTLY HAPPY ON YOUR OWN NOW.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I'M HEAD OVER HEELS FOR YOU BUT YOU DECIDED YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE. WHY? WHY? WHY?

I REMEMBER THREE DAYS EARLIER WE WERE TANGLED TOGETHER ON MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR, KISSING AND LAPPING AT EACH OTHERS NECK. YOUR STUBBLE TICKLED ME AND I COULDN'T STOP GIGGLING; YOUR SMILE WAS INTOXICATING.

I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE ******* FACE, I WANT TO KISS YOU ON YOUR GORGEOUS MOUTH, I WANT TO CRY.
I WANT YOU TO PUNCH ME IN THE ******* FACE.
I WANT TO HURT MYSELF BECAUSE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO BARE. I FEEL LIKE MY LUNGS COLLAPSE EVERY TIME I SEE YOU IN THE HALL.

MY HEART IS ******* RUINED AND I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

This is for the boy with lonely eyes,
Wandering from the freeway to the dark woods a mile away.
Fingers laced in his pockets with love notes she wrote to him
Before she moved away,
Across the states.

This is for the couples separated by oceans
Staying up until 1 A.M. to hear “I love you” over the phone.
Keeping exchanged letters in shoe boxes under their beds,
Crying into pillow cases left on cold mattresses.

This is for the little girls who get their hair pulled
Because their parents told them that means a boy likes you.
Disney romance day dreams at age seventeen
Getting bruises from boys pushing her against lockers.


Love unrequited or returned like ocean waves
Either way you’re still drowning.
No life preserver to hold you up because it doesn't
Carry baggage of four years.
Kiss the pale sun good bye,
There’s no oxygen in the hadalpelagic zone.

Feeling cool, damp, mist of air surround me
whilst I run my calloused finger tips over
the petals of every flower that reminds me
of you.

I never thought to study botany until the day
you spoke my name in the husk
of your skin chilling voice.
Everything you do, everything you say,
reminds me of the gentle chaste kisses
of Mother Nature.

Your eyes as mesmerizing as Borage,
lips as inviting as Hoya.
The way you say my name
reminds me of blooming Orange Cream Dahlias
and when you speak passionately is every
purple freckled Orchid.

I couldn't find any flowers to match the
radiance of your smile until I stumbled upon
my most beloved plant; the Sunflower.
The infant of the center of our solar systems
warmth. Because your smile is so warm
and inviting, all I can possibly do is bask in
its elegant beauty.

me :  “hey what does love mean to you? how does it make you feel?”

   **him : “Love is something two people share, it’s not something only one person can find. Love is zoning out of reality to find yourself subconsciously visioning you and that person building a life together. Love is taking a chance and giving up the one thing you can’t live without, to build a life around something else entirely. Love makes me feel as if I’m going on an adventure where my safety and well-being cannot be assured. I’m setting out on an adventure where the possibilities are endless. I feel like Bilbo Baggins signing that contract. Towards love I feel nothing less than thankful because I’d not be who I am without it today.”

  me : “i love you”

  him :  “I love you too.”

I can picture my future clearly,
Every crack and warp in the floor boards,
I can see where I’m going to be and where I’m going to go

A ghost of a lover passes through every image
But is never there long enough to make an indent in the mattress;
A fragrance of false hope and dried tears fills my nose
Stains of coffee spilled over every book left on the kitchen counter

I constantly paced back in forth in the middle of the night
Wondering when you’d come home
Whoever you are
Where ever you are

And I wonder now
In the present
Who is that ghost wandering in my future?

I am thankful for

My parents for holding me up in the times I have crumbled
Into the dark corners of my mind

I am thankful for

All of the people I call my friends that dance and sing in the streets
Like hoodlums

I am thankful for

The boy, that stupid boy, who took my heart and won’t give it back
That makes me smile with everything he does
That makes me laugh without failure, without realizing
That I love with everything I have

I am thankful for

The life I have kept
Even when I used to wish
I could just jump into the cold waters
Below the bridge

YOUR NAME IS EDWARD
LIKE THE KINGS
AND IT'S FUNNY

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE KING OF MY HEART
AND YOU WILL ALWAYS REIGN THERE
SITTING UPON
THE HEART SHAPED THRONE
WHERE YOU BELONG
AND WILL ALWAYS STAY
RIGHT THERE IN MY RIB CAGE

BUT THAT KINGDOM USED TO BE
COVERED IN FLOWERS
BECAUSE IT WAS BAREN
AND ALONE
AND SILENT
AND DEAD
THEN YOU CUT DOWN THE FLOWERS
AND GAVE THEM TO ME
WITH THE PROMISE TO KEEP ME SAFE
AND HERE I AM
ALIVE AND IN LOVE IN YOUR ARMS
AND YOU DO KEEP ME SAFE
FROM THE DEMONS WITHIN ME

I LOVE you

kiss me
and i smile

because your lips are soft
and they take the oxygen from my lungs
and they whisper my name
and tell me they love me
and i love them so much

**** me
and i smile

because i wont feel ****** anymore
or breathe the polluted air that seems to fill me
or think until im dead
in bed with fresh scars under my clothes

I shivered when I noticed
that my car smelt like you.
Your cologne seemed to linger
from the million times
we made out in the back seat
in the dark night.
It made me miss you
even though it's only been
6 hours 15 minutes and 26 seconds
since the last time I saw you.
(Not like I'm counting.)

Sitting in a ghastly church,
with cracked and broken pews,
you watched the ghosts pray
and their tears form flowers
in the cracks of the broken marble floor
underneath their dead feet.

I never realized how sensitive I am
until I couldn't stop crying
and I hurled last weeks dinner
just because they yelled at me

I didn't want them to hate me
but they told me I had problems
and that I was horrible

I'm sorry and I wish they didn't hate me
I wish that I could take back what I said
but it's all wishing
and I can't tell them I'm sorry
because I'm afraid they'll hurt me

And it's all stupid
nothings going to change
it's not my fault
so I guess I shouldn't care
(but I do)

It's forty-two degrees outside,
frost is dressing all the windows,
nose deep in sweater fabric
and licking my chapped lips
trying to remember what you taste like

You hated fall
and winter
and the cold
but I adore it
like I adore how your nimble fingers
danced with your pen
when you wrote me love songs

It's getting harder to remember
since you left last summer
with a dark tan and a mess of hair
and two duffel bags,
you kept saying
"I'm gonna make it big and come back for you!"

But I haven't seen you since last summer
and you changed your cell phone number
I heard you got a girlfriend
and you like winter and fall now

I was wearing that dumb sweatshirt
you bought me last Februray,
it smells like the Newports you smoke
and feels brand new,
even though I stuffed in my closet for a year

I played your favorite song on repeat
pretending you're here
laughing, smiling,
and kissing me on my neck to make me groan
like you do

It felt like ice cubes coming from my eyes
and I couldn't stop shaking
and I couldn't stop crying
and I kept praying
(even though I don't believe in God)
that you would wake up
in that stupid hospital bed

His hands were small, pale, and cold
but I held them in mine anyways

His eyes half lidded and sunken in
were dark and sad

He kept talking about drinking
and cigarettes and dreams and her
he told stories of her
and I felt his own tears
on our entwined fingers

My voice quivered comforting words
I kissed the mourning off his lips
his mouth curved into a tiny smile
forgetting the hurt only for a moment

He was a not so dead ghost
haunted by a dead one

Café made of cigarette smoke
and books
and computers

The flowers on the tables
wilt like the workers
who only know the taste of coffee

The customers
with black eyes
and paper skin
age 10 years with every passing hour

But you still shine so bright
from across the room
conscious and free

And I'm stuck with black fingers
and an open computer
unable to get up and follow you
out the door
because I'm locked inside
asleep -------- hoping maybe someday
you'll save me