Life hit hard that day
I realized you were gone
The pit in my stomach threatening to force it's way out

I miss you

I hear you everyday
I feel you under my skin
I dream of you

And then the harsh reality awakens with me
You are never coming home

you left on a wednesday
with a fire in your soul
burning everything in your past
and never looking back

simmering coals in every footstep that you took
we became your ashes
and you had no use for them

replacing us with ***** and blow
your mind was consumed with the next fix
and in no time at all
she walked into your life...

I cannot protect you from this
and oh how i wish i could
you will be confused
you will be angry
you will be hurt

but this is not about you baby boy
you have not done anything wrong

our heart creates enough energy to drive a truck everyday
and I chose to drive mine on a collision course with yours

And when you're falling are you going to scream?
Are you going to fight the air you are rushing through?

I wrote a poem for you the other day
but ill never give it to you
just like i wrote you a letter everyday that i felt your memory swipe at my brain stem that month of june

you left foot prints when you walked out unknowing that i could follow you
but as time wore on the foot prints began to fade and you began to as well

Nevermind that

I have a thing for the tops of mountains
I like to stand on the hood of my car and let the wind chill my spine as i wait for the next thing to happen
we are always waiting for the next thing to happen

arriving like students on the first day of school
arriving like 1 a.m.
arriving like you never did

and at first I thought i could fix you  

I thought i could fix you when he threw me into that car
I thought i could fix you when he called me a ****
I thought i could fix you

and then i began to think that you were fixing me

but i dont think the grunting acknowledgement i got everytime i told you something from the darkest pit on the left side of my body is really considered fixing

it was just nice to say the nightmares out loud

I dissolved into a ****** wrapper in a landfill
cracked my ribs open and invited you in

sharks cant live in the air and we cant breathe in water

but i

i breathe you

And you touched me like i was acid
like i would burn your skin if your finger tips lingered too long

I wish, baby

cause then maybe we wouldnt have dragged it out this long
maybe then you would have run away like i did every time i closed my eyes

we were not human we were clothespins airing out our cloaks of emotions on the line

We were strung up like telephone wires fleeing one city for the next in hopes of a fresh start

I wrote yes on my forearm and no on my hand

To you, I am sorry

I'm sorry that the demons in my head got so loud I lost myself in the noise
screaming nails against chalkboard just hoping you would hear me

I'm sorry that I became an unrecognizable splinter of who I used to be
clawing for you, just out of reach, from inside a locked cage

Now here I am with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other
each day they are battling to see who I will follow

On the days that the devil wins
I spiral down into a hell I never believed in until now

On the days the angel wins though
I see a glimpse of the staircase to a heaven I always hoped was real

I want you to know, each moment I am getting closer to the top
It is no longer out of reach
And I hope you will meet me there

Do Not Touch, she will shatter.

I am sorry I dug this grave between us

I never meant to

I lost myself somewhere in between the thin white lines on the table
Constantly chasing the high of feeling something

And maybe you don’t get it
And maybe you will never understand

But now
I see

I have ****** up in total

and I pray to god that you will be happy

Even if it's without me

How you kissed me today is what I have been longing for

God, how I had missed the taste of your lips colliding with mine

So, I took in that moment

I engraved it in my memory

And I will go to war for that feeling again

I keep my sneakers by my bed in case i need to run away from these nightmares
the ones where the ghosts of my past come chasing me down
clawing at my skin to get inside of me
forcing their way down my throat to consume me

i keep my sneakers by my bed so my nightmares can't catch up with me

you can't beg someone to love you
I have learned this the hard way

when I first met you
I knew i was ******

when two hearts collide like ours did the only outcome is destruction

Our meeting was the best thing that has ever happened to me

the thing is..
it was like being at the center of the universe
and the problem with being at the center is
when things get too close they have no where else to move except away
and it makes sense because now you are out of reach

i want you to know, you made me feel important
you made me feel more than i thought i was capable of

sometimes i feel this low rattling in my chest
and i know it's you
in a boxing match with my heart
telling it to soldier up and move on

but no matter how badly you want them
people like you come and go
even if you beg them to stay

You were my foreword.
Everything that happened between us those four years were before the chapters began.
Every word leaned on the previous, piling together sentences that would sculpt the story
Stacking syllables to create a foundation
Counting apostrophes to prevent grammatical catastrophe.
But One was misplaced
And the tale compiled uneven
Backspace doesn't exist in this
And the story line is still not right

look
i know I'm too much
too kind
too curious
too sensitive
too emotional
but i will weather the storm
the one that is breaking between us
the one where i am too afraid that i might lose you i won't blink
for in that second i may lose you

look
you need to realize
everyone that came before you left
had an excuse
i will sabotage myself until the world rocks off its axis
but i will not let go of you

so please stay and the world will align again
and the stars will shine
and i will know that you are here

Lately I have been taking showers so hot that they scorch my skin
leaving their mark on my body in every place that you used to kiss

this backbone to broken hearts has distorted too much
raging on against everything that was once known

and here we are again
broken hearted
slowly fading away

I carry the guilt
like the devil is on my shoulder

I didn't mean to steal your thunder
you should have never been put on the back burner

you were my warrior
in the battle that became

I just wanted to be like you
envied the strength that you portrayed

Just know
that you deserve everything you came to be

I still have yet to make peace with the past
and to do that
can we go back to the beginning?

rewrite the past
to leap into the future

you used to look at me like i was the only thing that kept your heart beating
you used to hold onto me like you were scared that I would walk away

look at us now

you look at me with disgust
and flinch at the thought of grazing my skin

You are doing your best
and bettering yourself

While,
I am doing my best
yet I am destroying my body, mind and soul
Doing everything I can to be here

Because you are better without me
but I was better with you...

if I could here your voice once more
would my world come crashing down around me?
would I fall to my knees and scream at god for what he took from me?

these are questions that no one can answer
not even myself

Darling,

what they say isn't true

the heartache never fades

the sound of her voice will ring in your ears

the scent of her skin will send shivers down your spine

and the touch of her hand will forever stay on your shoulder

try and find peace in these moments

you may not be able to pull her into your embrace

but take solace in the time you had

close your eyes

whisper her name

I wish I could tell you that it fades

but this heartache will never go away

lean on me darling

and whisper her name

Slipping through my fingers like that of sand through an hourglass
The flame of life is being smothered
And it may not feel real
But i wont fall i will not open this flesh
I will hide the pain inside
Never to be seen
Until it is a scattered masterpiece of me

We were ***** laundry
but the kind you let sit in the washer too long after its done
so you have to wash it again...

That was our cycle.
Gentle .
Then regular.
Then just spin.
But washing clothes too many times, you know, wears them out, love.

And I didn't want to be worn out, love.
But holes began to appear and the colors begin to fade
black became grey
white became yellowish
you became the someone you never wanted to be.

The rice is boiling over in the kitchen
and I begin to stare
find the beauty in the white foam falling over the brim
like soldiers in line where they were not supposed to go.

The hiss and silence as heat collides with hotter
and you became the person you never wanted to be.

You know me naked
you know me invisible
you know me undone.

And what happened to that?

know me still
just try
know me still, love

But now I don't know you
your inside out of what you used to be
your upside down of what is coming
you became the person you never wanted to be
or maybe one that I never wanted you to be..
And maybe in time, we will see..

Being "too much"
is a blessing
not a curse

say it again
and listen
as you taste the words on your tongue

just say it again
and believe it

I don't think I will ever stop holding onto the hope of a you and me
because love never made much sense until I met you
and I don't think time will heal the hole in my heart that was us

Bile is rising in my throat

You threw me away like I was something to be ashamed of

Death is not always a body that shuts down

I have learned that it can also be watching the one that you love walk out the door

Maybe i was fooling myself when i thought we were invincible

Because now i lay here in this bed alone

And as i roll over to touch your skin

You aren’t there

My heart has shattered like a piece of glass
Fragments lodging themselves in my rib cage
With every move I make I feel the shards threatening to cut deeper
There are moments when I like the pain because it makes me feel alive

And I am starting to think that maybe I am to blame for breaking my own heart by hanging onto the what could have beens

Because, my love, I could never blame you even if I so badly wanted to

And if you try to puzzle piece us back together one day, be careful not to cut yourself on this glass heart

just tell me...

how do you plan a life with someone
and then one day
act like they don't exist?

i still remember meeting eyes across the bar
i remember the first time we kissed
the day you cleared out your closet to make room for me

and honestly
i hope she notices how you twitch right before you fall asleep
i hope she knows your favorite food
and your pet peeves

i just hope you are happy

but it kills me that it's not with me

there are rocks in the pit of my stomach

the ones you put there

maybe you were hoping they would help me drown

I gave you parts of me that I don't think I will ever get back

I realized this the night that I drove to your house drunk and fell in the front door, vomiting I Love Yous all over the floor

and I'm sorry for that

but more so I am sorry to myself

for trying so hard to get love from someone who never intended to give it to me

my soul is suffocating
as your cold hands clasp around it
finger by tightening finger all of me is fading

I am screaming out but no one hears me
my throat is becoming hoarse
my stomach is shrinking
everything i was is withering away

I cannot protect you

not like you protected me

my body was giving into the darkness of my brain

and now your body is giving into itself

nerve by nerve

muscle by muscle

you are fading

you have lost control

you have lost your freedom

and that is the saddest story i have ever told

We were electric
but then the breaker blew
how I wish that we could flip a switch and get that light back
but for now the lights have turned out and we must find solace in the dark
something I was always afraid to be alone in
because when a sense like sight is taken from you, all that's left is the unknown of what lies ahead

I will swallow your memory until we meet again
in the future where your ghosts and mine align

I have grown up you see
in a limbo of half way there and almost here

and someday soon our opposite worlds will align

Honey, you said
I hope this kills me
not at a slow dance pace
but quickly

Honey, you said
I hope this kills you
not at a slow dance of a pace
but quickly

She told me that she is the reason I am alive
like she takes the credit for the fight I went through

but what she doesn't realize is
she wasn't there when the electricity coursed through my brain
I woke up alone to a nurse shaking me, telling me I was ok
I couldn't dress myself
I was wheeled to the curb and into the trust of a stranger
I had to ask the cab to stop on so i could ***** in the street
she wasn't there when I couldn't remember yesterday

But she takes credit for the fight I went through

Genes
every one is a gamble
what makes a human who they are
and the terrifying part is so much is still in question

what we will become is unknown
percentages, chances,
the odds are a gamble

and as I watch you
i cant help but pray to god the odds are in my favor

this mutation has taken over your body
shedding pound after pound
each nerve stressed to its limit
each muscle begging to give in

fingers curled and toothpick legs fighting to find their footing
a brain that is losing memories faster than they were created

the body will only endure this kind of pain for so long

and as i watch you
i cant help but pray to god the odds are in my favor