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Katelyn Feb 2014
starting over was a scary option
because i already spent over 500
of my days with someone
so insignificant compared to
the infinite amount of hours i
want to spend feeling your heartbeat
when i hold your hand

nevertheless i am happy
i grasped your hand instead
Katelyn Mar 2014
i am nothing compared

                        to how you make blood rush through

                                       my veins or how at home

                               i feel when i’m next to you

                        you’ve given me meaning
A collection of poems written after my boyfriends left my house & I want to remind him even though he's gone, I love him nevertheless.
Katelyn Feb 2014
s h
a     k
i   n
   g
you were
s ha king
your life was planned out
by medical folders
hospital patient
hospital worker
you knew all about the
effects taking place in your body
but you were
r o o t e d
like a tree standing lone in a
h
u
  r
   r
    i
     c
      a
       n
        e
the angels were on your side
and you kept your smile
beside your bed in a glass box
as you slept

you wore it every morning

three years wasn't a long time but
it was long enough to travel the world
you were
j i tt
       e r
            y
like a child on christmas morning
but this wasn't a holiday
and you broke the glass that held
the only thing keeping your head high

"i'm going to die anyway"

yet you were rooted
both feet planted on the ground
a
j o u r
ne y
you were ready to walk
a dirt road followed by angels in white
optimism carried on silver platters

a week to a month wasn't long enough for
travelling to snow covered peaks and screaming
"i am free and you cannot change me"
you cannot change me
you cannot
change me
you stood
a l o n e
among angels covered in grime
silver platters turned to dust and
smiles falling, fading, gone
yet you
p
l
  a
   n
     t
      e
       d
both feet firmly to the ground and spoke
the words that tore the dirt off angels covered
in mud, brought snow covered peaks to you
"you cannot change me,
i am s t ro ng wi ll ed"

hospital bed
hospital room
hospital worker
you are brave
Written for my beautiful aunt, diagnosed with colon and liver cancer in June 2013; the struggle has been all too real. I love you, Aunt Annie.
Katelyn Sep 2014
i know i cannot give you the blood from my body to make you family to mine but we can always lend you helping hands and if you'd like
we always have an extra bed but i'm sure you'd much rather sleep with safety than the dark and i understand you are the way you are because you were raised to be great
even if that meant in the wrong ways you grew up to outshine the sun and radiate rays for it you grew up stronger than i could ever hope to be
but what i do hope to be is your world i want to give back to you flowers that were destroyed ages ago and a house that holds love i wanna make everything feel okay again because i promise you
it will be okay again and even if it is not right now i know time is on our side
your side
i am on your side and i promise until the day my hand can no longer hold yours i will help you give back the job of the sun so you can feel more like yourself more at home more like a brand new car than one with the wheels falling off i will help you wipe off your windshield because you deserve to see what a beautiful job you did helping the sun and that all my promises were meant for something more than just something to look forward to
i promise you
you are doing good
and i am so proud
Andy, you're doing so good. I am so proud.
Katelyn Mar 2014
i wasn't asking for a smile
       though i wanted one indeed
and i thought you have the rest of yours away
       but the night you opened your eyes
and i saw the blue ocean for what might be
       the very last time
you told me things that will stick in my head
       until it is my time to pass the words along
"i love you, goodbye"
       thank you for the journey
My aunt isn't doing very well and barely ever speaks or opens her eyes, but as I was leaving last night and I bent down to kiss her forehead and say goodbye, she opened her eyes and said "i love you, bye katie" when I touched her hand. She's the strongest woman I know.
Katelyn Apr 2014
when i am upset
i picture your delicate hands
cupping my heavy heart
kissing my tears away;
placing a band-aid over the hurt-
whispering  "it's okay, pretty girl, i love you"
and sometimes
a picture is worth a thousand smiles

thank you
Katelyn Jan 2014
lying to yourself could only make
unfortunate outcomes easier
promises infused within cold steel
spewing out bloodstained comfort

from the start you could tell yourself
"i can stop when i want"
"i don't need this"
"i wont do it again"

but in a world where a promises
only fortune was to be broken
rekindling past flames brought
upon you bloodstained hands

even the dullest knife has a comforting tone
"i'm sorry"
"i'll never leave you"
"i need you"
Katelyn Jan 2014
i could listen to rain
for the rest of my life,
i want to bask in it's beautiful
glory
i want to swim in puddles to remind
myself i am not the only one who cries
i want to hear thunder
even though i am afraid
because i am not the rains only friend
and thunders love could bring fireworks
and remind me that even though
you are crying
you light up the sky
Katelyn Dec 2013
it isn't easy
anymore
it was never fair
i always could
hold a sword and
shield myself from
feelings you bring
with you everywhere
but long since
i can remember
my sword was
split and my shield
was lost in the feelings
you passed on to me

i want to be
the perfect
you want to wake up
to in the morning

i want to be
the roses
and stars and
nose kisses that
keep you trudging
through rain puddles
of sorrow you collected

i want to be
yours
and
i wish you
wanted to be
mine
Katelyn Dec 2013
i know it's hard
to wake up
to open your eyes
to not roll over and
cry yourself back to
dreams you never want to-
you never want to
open your eyes again

i know it's hard
to put on your shoes
to pull on your pants
to hide the marks you
thought you deserved
you never want to
hurt again

i know it's hard
to step outside
to feel the chill of
the winter wind
to feel the chill of
people's words
you never want to
listen again

when your bed was
your only friend
and you shared it with
tears and had parties
alongside razors and
heart breaks and
no comfort

when the parties ended
just before you would have
got the door
broken in

when life gets hard
your tears are your friends
and that's okay
you're okay
the razors are only
just as cold
as the rest of the world

sleep for awhile as
the world will soon realize
you are only a
blossoming beautiful
flower
Katelyn Apr 2014
i once told you a month
wasn't enough to climb to where your heart
wanted to be and yell to the world
"i am strong"

but i am wrong

your birthday came and so did
news we could not return later
if we did not find it fit us
it was a million sizes too big

you turned 49 this year
but the only thing growing next year
is the amount of time you've spent in heaven

                                           two weeks into a perilous journey
                                   you were still able to walk
                          still able to speak your mind
                   still able to smile
             two weeks into heartbroken news
        you still lit up the sky and threw away the smoke
  and i was proud of you
a month was long enough to prove yourself
   worthy of friendship
        worthy of smiling
              worthy of standing, laughing-
                   wrapping up the hurt and storing it inside of you
                       holding on for those who watched over you

and now you watch over us

a month spent on treacherous ground
and no longer could you open your eyes
let your smile shine through even though
the pain you wore was now sizes too small
                              but you held on anyway

three days later
we told you
"we are strong"

we are strong because you are apart of us

"we will be okay without you, spread your wings, fly"

and you did

a month and two days to this date
is the amount of time you've spent soaring the sky
and if words could tell you how much i miss you
i would send them -  scream them to you

                               you will forever be my north star
Yet again for my Aunt, who has been gone for too long now. I miss you every second. I wish this was only a dream.
Katelyn Jan 2014
and even though it's been years
since i realized i wanted
to lay next to you and squeeze your hand
tight enough that you heard
"i love you more than the stars"
ring throughout that bright head of yours

it's been a month since you had to
tell me you were seriously asking me
to hold your hand in the dark
and let you place your perfectly shaped lips
against my trembling ones

it's been a month since you had to
tell me you were serious about wanting
me to be the person to kiss every part of your
sleepy eyed face at three in the morning

and i could not be more thankful
that you cradle my thoughts in your arms
along with my tear filled eyes
because i am too astounded by you
for words

and i could not be more in love
with the idea that you are in love with me
just the same that i am in love with you
Katelyn Oct 2014
if you've never watched the snowfall
you wouldn't know how meticulous and precious the experience can be
but i promise nothing is more gentle than the feeling of your hand skimming my body in the middle of the night like we are two magnets and all we know how to do is attract
though i know you've watched the snowfall-
probably more times than i can count on each of my fingers and toes and that means you know just how much it means that you know the spots to touch just like the snow knows the spot to fall
what i'm trying to tell you is that the snow is precious and gentle and awe-inspiring and almost nothing could compare to it but you dear
Katelyn May 2014
spiraling
a simple verb
that wasn't so simple

recovery
a simple noun
spelled without ease

do you see the irony
Katelyn Jan 2014
it's hard to feel much of anything
if you're using darkness as a cover
over bright lights that refuse to turn on
it's hard to feel much of yourself
when you're covered in memories you don't want
it's hard to breathe sometimes

it's hard to walk with two feet
on ground covered in broken dreams
it's hard to open your eyes when
all you see is burnt out hope
smoke filled love was what i got

it's hard to be yourself when
no one else wants you to be
when all they wanted was money and your body
it's hard to see yourself as lovable
when you had nobody to love you
it's hard to love when no body wants you

it's hard to realize why you're crying
when oceans are drowning every thought you have
it's hard to hear over the waves
it's hard when you want to be okay
it's even harder when you thought you were
Katelyn Mar 2014
it has been a little over a week
since you found out
what flying feels like
gained your angel wings
or maybe even bird wings
and flew your way to family
way up in the sky

and it has been a little over a week
since i found out
what sinking feels like
discovered my anchor
and was pulled down too far
to be able to breathe

i knew you for
s e v e n t e e n years
a lifetime of smiles and comfort
hand holding baby feeding
watching someone grow up
while watching another one fall
i wanted to give you the world
as my second mother
as someone willing to lend a hand
or maybe a sword in a daily battle

saying goodbye was hard because
i didn't want to
i shouldn't have to
only that i will see you again soon
i will love you much more until then

it has been a week since
you've gained your wings
it has been a week since
i've gone to school

things flash by quicker than
i thought they could

thank you for lending a smile
a hand a sword a foot a leg
a simple joke

it has been a week since
things have started to change
and i am scared of what's to come
of life without our families
wikipedia, aunt, sister, mother,
best friend, know it all
sassy medical extraordinaire
but i am hoping you'll lend a wing, too

until then
i will love you much more
In memory of my Aunt, diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer back in June of 2013, who passed away at 11:16 March 14, 2014. She was a sister, a mother, a friend, an aunt, and an all around wonderful person who shared much more than joy with over 357 people that walked into her life. I am thankful for my Aunt, I miss her more and more everyday.
Until then, Aunt Annie, I promise.
Katelyn Feb 2014
fill me with marks to remind me
you are here with me always
lips pressed to my skin i wanted
sanity infused with red bruises
caused by love, they weren't bruises at all
leave symbols of yourself
all over my body so i know
i will always be your favorite project
let me inflict my words while you
grab my hand tighter
leave me speechless
let your lips dance smoothly
all around me and caress
my every last thought
let your heart intertwine with mine
seeds planted years ago
it's amazing how tall a tree can become
in five years, how littered with marks
lovers left behind they grow
without hatred without sadness
show me how eternity works
leave marks that will fade but i
can trace for the rest of my life
because those were the first
Katelyn Jan 2014
love*
definition 1, noun
an intense feeling of deep affection.
but that does not describe
the way my body is littered
with goosebumps at the
slightest hint of your touch

love
definition 2, noun
a person or thing that one loves.
but that does not describe
the twinkle i see in your eyes
when you smile back at me

love
definition three, verb
feel a deep romantic or ****** attachment to (someone).
but that does not describe
how easily i long to be
in your arms seconds after
you walk out the door

love
definition four, human
the way your hand
fastens to mine when
i say goodnight

the way you make the blood
rush through my body
and to my head

that is love
Katelyn Feb 2014
there is a certain amount of

a n g e r

bound in a persons

poorly wired heart

under layers of thin plastic skin

in fear of ripping off band-aids

to find they took more than

what they bargained for
Katelyn May 2014
take a deep breath
and count to ten they say
instead of knocking his teeth in
because i don't understand his opinion
and he doesn't understand watching my back
for people like him to heave their heavy words onto me
without any kind of remorse because they are more privileged than i

step away
walk far far away they say
instead of turning around and screaming
i should be able to walk down the street holding my
significant others hand without fearing death because i
just do not understand their opinion

and i guess i never will
Katelyn Dec 2014
you used to fall asleep so close to your phone I could feel your breaths on my end
I slept so peacefully it was like you were here tapping on your keyboard, singing me to sleep in sentences I would not read until the morning
days come and go but love does not and even if you sleep farther away from your phone now i still picture your computers dim light when I wake up at three in the morning when you wake me to ask me "are you okay"
Katelyn Feb 2014
am i more than a thought
crossed paths with teenagers who knew
no better than to travel down
seashell encrusted beaches
holding hands with the waves as
they left footprints in the sand
Katelyn Jan 2014
i am not strong
because i have scars
to remind me that i am
i am not strong
because i once took a blade
to my hips and knew
exactly what i was doing
i am not strong
because i am still here
baring those scars

do not compare me
to how deep your cuts went
do not compare me
to the sound of your pain
i am not strong
because you are weaker
i am not weak
because you are stronger
Katelyn Jan 2014
sick to the bone
i was tired of words i could not swallow
"i've been starving myself"
of food of hope of love of lust
i was tired of diving into toilet bowls
"i do not like to throw up"
i insisted this but my fingers did not listen
life lesson or self pity?

ingesting smoke
i was afraid this was all i could eat today
the fridge had told me different
and the cabinets too
i am tired of teary eyed binging
"i have to leave you alone"
i reiterated but i could never have enough
selfish promise or short term goal?

dizzy accusations
this was all my fault
i swallowed my words whole
and could never spit them out
it's starvation eating me up
i am tired of leaving tables early
"i could have stopped myself"
but my legs have proven otherwise
routine or bad habit?
Katelyn Dec 2013
yesterday i
opened my eyes
only to close them
because i was blinded
by harsh words
i needn't hear
at six in the morning

yesterday i
forced myself out
of bed and into
the shower and was
even scolded by
water that was
too hot to handle

yeserday

yesterday i
went to bed trying to
convince myself the
covers would
keep me safe
but i dreampt of
places i promised myself
i would
get over by the days end

today i
today i
today i woke up
forced myself
out of bed and
into the shower but
did not let
anything or anyone
scold me
about things i neednt hear
at six in the morning
Katelyn Jun 2014
writing of something attached to you is a simple thing;
i could tell a story all about my arms and how they are the sweetest things-
picking me up, stopping me from falling and helping me feed myself
sometimes i even lay my head on them and i fall asleep
it's simple because it's like a home
and six months ago you became a part of that home
a part of this human being with arms i sleep on and legs figured out i could open door handles with;
a whole entire section of me that keeps safety on the ceiling and happiness in all the cobwebs
a home within a home
experiencing love and wanting it became two different things quickly
i never knew love was so gently wrapped up between
"hey andy i hate you" and "hey kate go **** yourself"
but there it was
i guess it does come in all shapes and sizes

six months is a long time
to figure out where you can lay on another persons arm
and that you like the way they curl their feet while sitting;
that sometimes you slur your words and don't say the last parts of them
and other times you even decipher my backwards language that only you can seem to understand-
you aren't just my home

you are my hope

writing about love and arms and sleeping next to someone you love
comes too easy even when you're supposed to be doing schoolwork
or simply showering but what a lonely party that would be
i want love raining down on me instead
and when you came around it was always pouring
but i wouldn't call this a storm
more of a "april showers brings may flowers" thing
because you make tiny flowers grow and the birds sing i swear

i know some of this may be a bit backwards but i know you'll understand

you always do
Happy one day before six months!
Katelyn Feb 2014
oftentimes i have told you
i hate the snow even though
it's a beautiful sight to see
but today i awoke to
snow dancing through the sky
landing gracefully on treetops
and some of it fell to my heart
i love the snow because
you love the way it falls and
how the color white isn't a color
i love the snow because it gives
me chances to sled with you
inside snow covered kisses
and frostbitten noses
i love the snow because it reminds me
there is beauty in things other than
the way you look at me
i love the snow because you taught me how

oftentimes i have told you
the snow only creates messes
even though it's just trying
to see itself as beautiful
but today i awoke to
streets covered head to toe
in sheets of a color that does not exist
and i could not help but laugh
to find myself smiling and whispering
your name because it was
almost as amazing of  sight to see
drifts of snow covering bald spots on
the earth than it is to see
you light up when you see flurries
i love the snow because you taught me
not everything in the world is trying
to cause mayhem around me
i love the snow because you taught me how
Katelyn Jan 2015
Nothing is more inviting than your warmth when it's negative degrees outside,
even when that warmth is my phone and the sound of you breathing into yours
I will love you for an eternity
Katelyn Mar 2014
dust of the aching parts
of your heart and let
yourself fall down
reach inside and untie
knots, replace them with ribbon
and tie pretty bows around your lungs
remind yourself breathing is apart of living
remind yourself as long as your two feet touch the ground
the ribbons cannot come undone

shed off ***** plastic coverings
replace them with silk
treat it like you sleep in it

because you do

dust the dirt off your shoulders
and let yourself smile
reach inside and clean out memories
you no longer need to cherish
replace them with a good book
remind yourself laughing is apart of living
remind yourself as long as long as you wake up in the morning
the story will still continue
Katelyn Feb 2014
and even though some nights
p a i n shot through your
lungs as you tried to remain
living on this earth for
a
n
  g
    e
      l
       s
you helped keep afloat for so long
time ticking backwards only to
reveal bombs setting off

every night was a battle

but you were a survivor
even when there was no hope
and even if there is no more getting better, Aunt Annie, you are a brave soldier. I love you.
Katelyn May 2014
i get so nervous to sleep
unless you are next to me
almost as if i don't trust
my dreams to be without
the comfort of your arms
keeping them safe

you've always had a way
of protecting me even if
we have't truly realized it

thank you
Katelyn May 2014
the t.v has never been turned up so loud
but today it is masking a missing voice
my room used to go months without hearing
though recently a five day period has been hell

on off days i would write to you
but i'm having trouble finding my voice-
or rather, the right letters to match my fingers pace
it's not that i no longer have feelings
though this off day has become an off month
and i've yet to type a single stanza that
satisfies the way i feel about you

there was a time i wasn't sure
in fact for five years i had convinced myself
i wasn't sure of being sure
and without getting too confusing-
long story short:
i am sure i was being an idiot

maybe i was blind

somewhere along the "unsure" line
i had opened my eyes and told everyone
within ear shot

"i am in love with my best friend"

though, you came closer than ear shot
and i was more of a ******* idiot
than i ever have been

the moral of this story,
and what i guess i've been trying to say
is that my tv has passed 8
to mask your missing voice
even though the noise drives me crazy
without your voice i am empty

(and not hearing your laugh drives me insane)
Katelyn Mar 2014
if i could light my words on fire
and send them up to heaven
i would tell you how much i miss you

but i can't

so maybe i'll lay them down to rest
and wait to tell you in person
Katelyn Jan 2015
when someone goes to heaven
you forget they are there
you forget you cannot call them up
because all you will get is their voice mail, if you're lucky

when someone goes to heaven
you lose a part of you
you lose a certain spark that only they could ignite

when someone goes to heaven
things are not the same
things cannot go on the way they did
even though you had just forgotten
that they cannot text you back
and make you laugh they way they always did
3/14/13. I miss you.
Katelyn Oct 2014
i probably own enough t shirts
to wear a different one every day of the month
the problem is-
so many of them remind me of you
(or, maybe, have been borrowed from you)
that i sleep with them every night as if
you were next to me hugging me as tight
as that little grey sweater you gave me
for a week (about a month ago)
the problem is even though i have a vast selection of shirts-
there is a void just as big i have to stuff them in so that
you are here with me, always
Katelyn Apr 2014
Dear worn out soul
I am here to pick you up
after daily war between yourself,
parents and school

Dear beautiful person
Your smile shines brighter
than the sun, it is nicer to look at
than the moon

Dear loving boyfriend
Perfection is hard to come by
but nothing could be as perfect
as your heartbeat against mine

Dear best friend
Times are tough
but you will always have a home
as long as I am here

You will always have love
as long as I am here

Dear handsome young man
You've blossomed into a beautiful
tree and your leaves are green as ever
nothing could convince me otherwise

You will be perfect
as long as I have a brain to think so
Katelyn Jan 2014
i am not good
with words i should not be speaking
the wind is better at whispering
sweet nothings than my hands are
at comforting and i'm afraid
it is all my fault
i am not good
at masking things without tape
and a pair of pants
clear cardboard cutouts of home
i dream of you every night and i'm afraid
i wont stop
i am not good at
stopping myself from talking before
thinking about why i am in the first place
taking my hands and placing them
on the corners of my face
is just routine
i am nothing but good at
swimming in oceans of my own tears
and creating more storms than
sunshine inside of me
i am nothing but good at
sitting shaking in the dark
alone without wind to whisper
back to me
"you are worthless"
i am nothing but good
at being nothing but horrible
Katelyn May 2014
hanging up made me mad
because i could not whisk you away
and i know 8 hours of sleeping next to
noises of me tossing and turning was the safest
place you'd be for a week

i want to protect you
and hold your hand even if
through speakers because
i can only do so much
even if kissing you through
a phone was impossible
i'd try because (and never forget)

you are worth it

— The End —