starting over was a scary option
because i already spent over 500
of my days with someone
so insignificant compared to
the infinite amount of hours i
want to spend feeling your heartbeat
when i hold your hand

nevertheless i am happy
i grasped your hand instead

i am nothing compared

                        to how you make blood rush through

                                       my veins or how at home

                               i feel when i’m next to you

                        you’ve given me meaning

s h
a     k
i   n
   g
you were
s ha king
your life was planned out
by medical folders
hospital patient
hospital worker
you knew all about the
effects taking place in your body
but you were
r o o t e d
like a tree standing lone in a
h
u
  r
   r
    i
     c
      a
       n
        e
the angels were on your side
and you kept your smile
beside your bed in a glass box
as you slept

you wore it every morning

three years wasn't a long time but
it was long enough to travel the world
you were
j i tt
       e r
            y
like a child on christmas morning
but this wasn't a holiday
and you broke the glass that held
the only thing keeping your head high

"i'm going to die anyway"

yet you were rooted
both feet planted on the ground
a
j o u r
ne y
you were ready to walk
a dirt road followed by angels in white
optimism carried on silver platters

a week to a month wasn't long enough for
travelling to snow covered peaks and screaming
"i am free and you cannot change me"
you cannot change me
you cannot
change me
you stood
a l o n e
among angels covered in grime
silver platters turned to dust and
smiles falling, fading, gone
yet you
p
l
  a
   n
     t
      e
       d
both feet firmly to the ground and spoke
the words that tore the dirt off angels covered
in mud, brought snow covered peaks to you
"you cannot change me,
i am s t ro ng wi ll ed"

hospital bed
hospital room
hospital worker
you are brave

i know i cannot give you the blood from my body to make you family to mine but we can always lend you helping hands and if you'd like
we always have an extra bed but i'm sure you'd much rather sleep with safety than the dark and i understand you are the way you are because you were raised to be great
even if that meant in the wrong ways you grew up to outshine the sun and radiate rays for it you grew up stronger than i could ever hope to be
but what i do hope to be is your world i want to give back to you flowers that were destroyed ages ago and a house that holds love i wanna make everything feel okay again because i promise you
it will be okay again and even if it is not right now i know time is on our side
your side
i am on your side and i promise until the day my hand can no longer hold yours i will help you give back the job of the sun so you can feel more like yourself more at home more like a brand new car than one with the wheels falling off i will help you wipe off your windshield because you deserve to see what a beautiful job you did helping the sun and that all my promises were meant for something more than just something to look forward to
i promise you
you are doing good
and i am so proud

i wasn't asking for a smile
       though i wanted one indeed
and i thought you have the rest of yours away
       but the night you opened your eyes
and i saw the blue ocean for what might be
       the very last time
you told me things that will stick in my head
       until it is my time to pass the words along
"i love you, goodbye"
       thank you for the journey

lying to yourself could only make
unfortunate outcomes easier
promises infused within cold steel
spewing out bloodstained comfort

from the start you could tell yourself
"i can stop when i want"
"i don't need this"
"i wont do it again"

but in a world where a promises
only fortune was to be broken
rekindling past flames brought
upon you bloodstained hands

even the dullest knife has a comforting tone
"i'm sorry"
"i'll never leave you"
"i need you"

it isn't easy
anymore
it was never fair
i always could
hold a sword and
shield myself from
feelings you bring
with you everywhere
but long since
i can remember
my sword was
split and my shield
was lost in the feelings
you passed on to me

i want to be
the perfect
you want to wake up
to in the morning

i want to be
the roses
and stars and
nose kisses that
keep you trudging
through rain puddles
of sorrow you collected

i want to be
yours
and
i wish you
wanted to be
mine

i know it's hard
to wake up
to open your eyes
to not roll over and
cry yourself back to
dreams you never want to-
you never want to
open your eyes again

i know it's hard
to put on your shoes
to pull on your pants
to hide the marks you
thought you deserved
you never want to
hurt again

i know it's hard
to step outside
to feel the chill of
the winter wind
to feel the chill of
people's words
you never want to
listen again

when your bed was
your only friend
and you shared it with
tears and had parties
alongside razors and
heart breaks and
no comfort

when the parties ended
just before you would have
got the door
broken in

when life gets hard
your tears are your friends
and that's okay
you're okay
the razors are only
just as cold
as the rest of the world

sleep for awhile as
the world will soon realize
you are only a
blossoming beautiful
flower

i once told you a month
wasn't enough to climb to where your heart
wanted to be and yell to the world
"i am strong"

but i am wrong

your birthday came and so did
news we could not return later
if we did not find it fit us
it was a million sizes too big

you turned 49 this year
but the only thing growing next year
is the amount of time you've spent in heaven

                                           two weeks into a perilous journey
                                   you were still able to walk
                          still able to speak your mind
                   still able to smile
             two weeks into heartbroken news
        you still lit up the sky and threw away the smoke
  and i was proud of you
a month was long enough to prove yourself
   worthy of friendship
        worthy of smiling
              worthy of standing, laughing-
                   wrapping up the hurt and storing it inside of you
                       holding on for those who watched over you

and now you watch over us

a month spent on treacherous ground
and no longer could you open your eyes
let your smile shine through even though
the pain you wore was now sizes too small
                              but you held on anyway

three days later
we told you
"we are strong"

we are strong because you are apart of us

"we will be okay without you, spread your wings, fly"

and you did

a month and two days to this date
is the amount of time you've spent soaring the sky
and if words could tell you how much i miss you
i would send them -  scream them to you

                               you will forever be my north star

if you've never watched the snowfall
you wouldn't know how meticulous and precious the experience can be
but i promise nothing is more gentle than the feeling of your hand skimming my body in the middle of the night like we are two magnets and all we know how to do is attract
though i know you've watched the snowfall-
probably more times than i can count on each of my fingers and toes and that means you know just how much it means that you know the spots to touch just like the snow knows the spot to fall
what i'm trying to tell you is that the snow is precious and gentle and awe-inspiring and almost nothing could compare to it but you dear

spiraling
a simple verb
that wasn't so simple

recovery
a simple noun
spelled without ease

do you see the irony

fill me with marks to remind me
you are here with me always
lips pressed to my skin i wanted
sanity infused with red bruises
caused by love, they weren't bruises at all
leave symbols of yourself
all over my body so i know
i will always be your favorite project
let me inflict my words while you
grab my hand tighter
leave me speechless
let your lips dance smoothly
all around me and caress
my every last thought
let your heart intertwine with mine
seeds planted years ago
it's amazing how tall a tree can become
in five years, how littered with marks
lovers left behind they grow
without hatred without sadness
show me how eternity works
leave marks that will fade but i
can trace for the rest of my life
because those were the first

you used to fall asleep so close to your phone I could feel your breaths on my end
I slept so peacefully it was like you were here tapping on your keyboard, singing me to sleep in sentences I would not read until the morning
days come and go but love does not and even if you sleep farther away from your phone now i still picture your computers dim light when I wake up at three in the morning when you wake me to ask me "are you okay"

writing of something attached to you is a simple thing;
i could tell a story all about my arms and how they are the sweetest things-
picking me up, stopping me from falling and helping me feed myself
sometimes i even lay my head on them and i fall asleep
it's simple because it's like a home
and six months ago you became a part of that home
a part of this human being with arms i sleep on and legs figured out i could open door handles with;
a whole entire section of me that keeps safety on the ceiling and happiness in all the cobwebs
a home within a home
experiencing love and wanting it became two different things quickly
i never knew love was so gently wrapped up between
"hey andy i hate you" and "hey kate go **** yourself"
but there it was
i guess it does come in all shapes and sizes

six months is a long time
to figure out where you can lay on another persons arm
and that you like the way they curl their feet while sitting;
that sometimes you slur your words and don't say the last parts of them
and other times you even decipher my backwards language that only you can seem to understand-
you aren't just my home

you are my hope

writing about love and arms and sleeping next to someone you love
comes too easy even when you're supposed to be doing schoolwork
or simply showering but what a lonely party that would be
i want love raining down on me instead
and when you came around it was always pouring
but i wouldn't call this a storm
more of a "april showers brings may flowers" thing
because you make tiny flowers grow and the birds sing i swear

i know some of this may be a bit backwards but i know you'll understand

you always do

oftentimes i have told you
i hate the snow even though
it's a beautiful sight to see
but today i awoke to
snow dancing through the sky
landing gracefully on treetops
and some of it fell to my heart
i love the snow because
you love the way it falls and
how the color white isn't a color
i love the snow because it gives
me chances to sled with you
inside snow covered kisses
and frostbitten noses
i love the snow because it reminds me
there is beauty in things other than
the way you look at me
i love the snow because you taught me how

oftentimes i have told you
the snow only creates messes
even though it's just trying
to see itself as beautiful
but today i awoke to
streets covered head to toe
in sheets of a color that does not exist
and i could not help but laugh
to find myself smiling and whispering
your name because it was
almost as amazing of  sight to see
drifts of snow covering bald spots on
the earth than it is to see
you light up when you see flurries
i love the snow because you taught me
not everything in the world is trying
to cause mayhem around me
i love the snow because you taught me how

Nothing is more inviting than your warmth when it's negative degrees outside,
even when that warmth is my phone and the sound of you breathing into yours

and even though some nights
p a i n shot through your
lungs as you tried to remain
living on this earth for
a
n
  g
    e
      l
       s
you helped keep afloat for so long
time ticking backwards only to
reveal bombs setting off

every night was a battle

but you were a survivor
even when there was no hope

if i could light my words on fire
and send them up to heaven
i would tell you how much i miss you

but i can't

so maybe i'll lay them down to rest
and wait to tell you in person

when someone goes to heaven
you forget they are there
you forget you cannot call them up
because all you will get is their voice mail, if you're lucky

when someone goes to heaven
you lose a part of you
you lose a certain spark that only they could ignite

when someone goes to heaven
things are not the same
things cannot go on the way they did
even though you had just forgotten
that they cannot text you back
and make you laugh they way they always did

i probably own enough t shirts
to wear a different one every day of the month
the problem is-
so many of them remind me of you
(or, maybe, have been borrowed from you)
that i sleep with them every night as if
you were next to me hugging me as tight
as that little grey sweater you gave me
for a week (about a month ago)
the problem is even though i have a vast selection of shirts-
there is a void just as big i have to stuff them in so that
you are here with me, always

hanging up made me mad
because i could not whisk you away
and i know 8 hours of sleeping next to
noises of me tossing and turning was the safest
place you'd be for a week

i want to protect you
and hold your hand even if
through speakers because
i can only do so much
even if kissing you through
a phone was impossible
i'd try because (and never forget)

you are worth it