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rite aid was out of maverick red 100s;
they only had shorts.
i had to buy a pack of newports
and the thought of shedding you
made me tremble as i slid my card.
yes, i switched from your menthols
back to my reds and yes, i kept your brand.

the other day i walked into my room
and the scent of cigarettes took me back,
back to the times of us sharing cigarette
after cigarette and i began to cry.
i called my therapist but she didn’t pick up.

the thought of quitting smoking crosses my mind
on at least a weekly basis, but i refuse to let you
ruin an agent of death i held in my hand
even before you came along.
i will not stop and i will continue to shed
the strongest tears for you.
I fell in love with
a life so outside
of my own head;
I never know what
I want these days.
My thoughts scare me
so I tune them out
and try to live hedonistically.
When I am alone at night
I am left with them
and my arm often
ends up in tatters.
I don’t listen to myself.
I don’t know myself
and I don’t think I want to.
I exist only in relation to others
and my ignored thoughts
will torture me in death.
 Oct 2017 just another shadow
retrieve you
from the back of my mind

dust you off

when i read us
all over
hidden words
fall out

were you maybe
telling me
all along
between the spaces

there would come a time
you'd have to leave
 Oct 2017 just another shadow
gazing stars
arm to arm
convert ideas

and far too

on my own
on the run

it's been years

will it ever pass/change/end
 Oct 2017 just another shadow
do you remember telling time by stars? and trading places at dawn?

how are you? do you miss your grandpa? how's life?

will we ever be ok?

i miss you.
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