you are my new york.

i long to rest within your skyscraper heart
but the stairs are too difficult to climb.

yearning
and distant
and nonetheless unattainable.

an enigma,
a dream,
a space within my concrete chest
flooded with sparkling sewer water.

you are too much,
and i am too little.

you veins pulse with light
but i don't know how much longer
i can pay the electric bill.

i can't get close without changing.

i cannot float down the river
swim through your chest
and end up sitting on the sidewalk.

i try and i look up
but at the top of your skyscraper heart,
i am in a cloud
and i cannot see the ground
nor feel the pulse of headlights and movement.

we are unrealistic.
my arms outstretched
but in vain

i cannot be what you need.

millions live within you,
and i am one.

i used to love the smell of gasoline.
eight years old,
suede seats,
breathing in as my mother filled the tank.

yesterday,
as i took my mother's place
eleven years later,
gasoline smells like *****.

as i inhaled,
insects buzzing akin to the fluorescent lights above,
it reeked of my lack of inhibitions.
my lack of restraint.
my inability to keep myself away from you.
and yet
i would still go out of my way
to keep the fragrance near me.

you are gasoline.
you are *****.
you are the empty svedka bottle lying on the floor.

your beautiful, beautiful liquid poison rots my ribs.
i am slowly killing myself for you
but i'll be ******
because i can't stop reeling us counting constellations
within my spinning projector mind.

there are so many reasons as to why i should stop myself.
hell,
you're the reason for the never-healing cat scratches on my forearm,
but you're an effortless mosaic of a human being.

your laughter is light.
internally you are genuine.
i can only see the flowers in your eyes
and yet they are nonetheless poisonous.

i hope that one day
i can turn your storm clouds
to warm rain.

all the better for dancing.

i never stopped loving your sunset eyes.
2. your laugh makes flowers grow in my chest,
can you smell them?
3. i worry about you.
4. i wish i could see your insides,
even though you're self-conscious of your organs.
5. your teeth are carved of marble,
6. and i might be obsessive,
7. but sometimes, your smile gives me a sunburn.
8. i wish that i could be closer to you, always.
9. i can't stop wearing the sweater to bed that reminds me of you,
10. and i wake up sweating,
11. but it's better than opening my eyes to see your ghost dissipating next to me.
12. i think
13. (i know)
14. that you don't feel seeds sprouting in your ribs when i am close.
15. not anymore.
16. you're too far,
17. and no matter how much i pace, i can't reach you.
18. i carry you on my shoulders
19. but i can feel you tumble,
20. onto the ground, willingly.
21. i think too much of you,
22. too highly,
23. and too often.
24. when i'm drunk and stumbling, i hope to feel your hand on my back.
25. you are sunlight emanating from the clouds,
26. but you are fading from me.
27. please come back.
28. i hate the heavenly chisel that shaped your bones.
29. i daydream about you in traffic,
30. and at work,
31. and in passing.
32. i'm so sorry,
33. i love you.