she is afraid she is not enough, yet too much, all at once

i am aware
that bad days exist
and will never cease to exist
so it seems
but i know
that there will be good days
or at least days slightly better
than the bad
to give comparison
and yes it's a tiring rollercoaster
i don't like too wild of rides
but so long as you're next to me
for this head-whirling ride
i'll never stop smiling

this love
it may not be conventional
but it is my love
it is your love
it is our love
and baby
so long as you're mine
and so long as i'm yours
this love
our love
is more than i could ever
have wanted
or believed
i deserve

you are a work of art
that words cannot begin
to lend appreciation to
so i just stare at you in awe

you're beautiful
and theres no one
quite like you out there

i wish you loved yourself half as much as i love you

you are my new york.

i long to rest within your skyscraper heart
but the stairs are too difficult to climb.

yearning
and distant
and nonetheless unattainable.

an enigma,
a dream,
a space within my concrete chest
flooded with sparkling sewer water.

you are too much,
and i am too little.

you veins pulse with light
but i don't know how much longer
i can pay the electric bill.

i can't get close without changing.

i cannot float down the river
swim through your chest
and end up sitting on the sidewalk.

i try and i look up
but at the top of your skyscraper heart,
i am in a cloud
and i cannot see the ground
nor feel the pulse of headlights and movement.

we are unrealistic.
my arms outstretched
but in vain

i cannot be what you need.

millions live within you,
and i am one.

i used to love the smell of gasoline.
eight years old,
suede seats,
breathing in as my mother filled the tank.

yesterday,
as i took my mother's place
eleven years later,
gasoline smells like *****.

as i inhaled,
insects buzzing akin to the fluorescent lights above,
it reeked of my lack of inhibitions.
my lack of restraint.
my inability to keep myself away from you.
and yet
i would still go out of my way
to keep the fragrance near me.

you are gasoline.
you are *****.
you are the empty svedka bottle lying on the floor.

your beautiful, beautiful liquid poison rots my ribs.
i am slowly killing myself for you
but i'll be ******
because i can't stop reeling us counting constellations
within my spinning projector mind.

there are so many reasons as to why i should stop myself.
hell,
you're the reason for the never-healing cat scratches on my forearm,
but you're an effortless mosaic of a human being.

your laughter is light.
internally you are genuine.
i can only see the flowers in your eyes
and yet they are nonetheless poisonous.

i hope that one day
i can turn your storm clouds
to warm rain.

all the better for dancing.

i never stopped loving your sunset eyes.
2. your laugh makes flowers grow in my chest,
can you smell them?
3. i worry about you.
4. i wish i could see your insides,
even though you're self-conscious of your organs.
5. your teeth are carved of marble,
6. and i might be obsessive,
7. but sometimes, your smile gives me a sunburn.
8. i wish that i could be closer to you, always.
9. i can't stop wearing the sweater to bed that reminds me of you,
10. and i wake up sweating,
11. but it's better than opening my eyes to see your ghost dissipating next to me.
12. i think
13. (i know)
14. that you don't feel seeds sprouting in your ribs when i am close.
15. not anymore.
16. you're too far,
17. and no matter how much i pace, i can't reach you.
18. i carry you on my shoulders
19. but i can feel you tumble,
20. onto the ground, willingly.
21. i think too much of you,
22. too highly,
23. and too often.
24. when i'm drunk and stumbling, i hope to feel your hand on my back.
25. you are sunlight emanating from the clouds,
26. but you are fading from me.
27. please come back.
28. i hate the heavenly chisel that shaped your bones.
29. i daydream about you in traffic,
30. and at work,
31. and in passing.
32. i'm so sorry,
33. i love you.