Jay 3d

Eighteen years
and he was gonna graduate
the coming year

his smile
said to be
the most beautiful
and all agree

how different it all was
without knowing he’d be gone
the year to come

his family
facing facts
but did they ever accept

his dad
was gathered

who had and will have
the hardest time to take it in?

his mum talked to God
his son was gonna enter
one day
did she ever accept
that day was gonna come soon
or did she always pray
for a little more time

did they ever stop hoping
that they wouldn’t be forced to bury
their son?

and the love of his life
they settled down
although deciding not to marry
she sais he never stopped talking
about their future

and now
every coming day
will put his last breath
further away

we saw each other grow up
and they cannot go back
to ordinary
because he’s not

I wonder when they knew
if they ever believed
that he wasn’t gonna be there
one day

she sais the pain grows bigger
every day
the lost gets more substantial

this town will not ever be the same
because he was gonna live
just like every one of us
until he died
and everyone knew
and it broke us down

the big people
they bleed
and the small people
they bleed

how can we not
after this?

when I saw her walk in
at his hour of commemoration
I never heard pain so load
never seen despair so clear

and his best friends
their eyes were not the same
so tired
and their bodies couldn’t take it
carry them up

how can we keep on living
our lives after this
and still,
how can we not?

when we have what everyone wanted for him
what he wanted most

we have our lives left
and we too
are gonna live
until we die

Jay 3d

after all
he’s immortal
but only a memory
for anyone
left behind

you can still feel
the empty seat
and no words erase that
but all still try

when he died
his life was filled with them
until his dying breath
and the main part of his life
involved them

but for them
he will always be a chapter

in twenty years
they’ll still remember
their best friend
from school

always a memory
always undying

on everyones lips
but unspeakable

and still
only a part
of their lives

Jay 6d

all I need to hear from you is that

you're sorry for screwing this up
sorry for making this
so unbearable for me
sorry for stepping on me
on my last attempt
up

won't you just tell me that

you forgive me for not always
giving you my all
but tell me that you know I did my best
at many times
and that you're sorry
you didn't

all I want from you is an apology for

showing me no respect
or heed
chrushing my last shred of
self-respect
and then leaving me
for her

all I want

is a sign of
soul
in you

won't you just
care
for me

now when we lost
everything else

2011
Jay Jul 17

I guess there's a million ways
to make it alright

a million reasons
to win this fight

but I cant wake up
and I cant begin

I cant even get your words
to sink in

somehow its easier
to place you in categories

ignore your names
your eyes, your storys

you're too angry
and show no respect

there's even something wrong
with beeing too perfect

I do this
so that we cant part

because it simply cant end
if I wont give it a start

2009
Jay Jul 17

Same class
junior high

you were placed beside me
making me nervous
I remember

but in time
you were my warmth
when things were growing colder

before that
they tried to match us up
she never told the whole story
and we didn’t fall

I want to blame her for it all
but you were searching for perfect
so I reversed

in comment for us both
is that she hurt us terrible
but we ignore that

she doesn’t affect us at all anymore
right?

but she does
and I hate having that
binding us together

it always drifted us apart

the last months
in junior high
and I allowed everyone
but myself
to make my choices

a diamond in your eyes
only for the others voices
for you I always was a dream
for someone else

a beautiful image

we weren’t so beautiful
at all
aboard
at hand

now
I want to remember you
the way we were
when we were both still dreaming

before colliding
turning friendship
into hazard love

and maybe one day
I will be back
outside your door
hanging around
ignoring your noes

sometimes you came
sometimes you didn't

we never cared
you were my friend
it was easy
we didn’t worry about
the end

I still wonder what your
truth is
for all of this

who would have thought
back then
that we would
share it all
and tear it all apart

Jay Jul 16

I find the key
Trick the door open
Ride the tiny elevator up to the third floor
Unlock your door

Everywhere is signs of you
Feelings of ease

I water your plants
Make sure they're happy
Return your hair dryer on your kitchen table

Look around
Sigh

Walk out
Turn the key
Feel the handle
Make sure it's locked

Elevator down
Ground floor
Walk on out

Back again on Wednesday

Jay Jul 14

12.05 and you're back

I don't know how to be me
around you  
I know nothing  
but to fall again
sooner or later

and it frightens me
the way your rain always linger in

so I hear myself out
convince myself that somehow
this time
my no will be enough

But,
16.25 and still
I have no waterproof reply

2011
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