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Oh sweet friend
I failed you tonight
I don't know how to say I'm sorry
For the feelings we hid in actions
You needed me to be selfless
You needed me to be different
You needed someone to prove to you that life is not the sad, empty space you see it as

But I was none of those things
I saw what I wanted
What I thought I needed
And all I did was take from you
The way everyone has always taken

My heart is so heavy
My brain torn apart
Because I love you so much my dear
But I did not act like it tonight
 May 2017 july hearne
Ludlow
Looking East

she looked east
and saw the sun
burning a hole
in the pavement.
her time was
almost up. too
late for revisions.
she heard the wind
laughing. soft voices.
neighbors clinking
glasses. clouds
passing. the only
hope the nature
of time. its open
invitation. and not
knowing.

the not knowing.
that was it.
i can't go to a bathroom by myself,
the overcrowdedness sets me off
like a firework on new years.

the fear that bubbles inside,
panics me to the point
of not being able to breathe.

is this what my life is?
being afraid of being alone
in a crowded room?

is this what i have become?
a walking ball of anxiety,
afraid of merely existing.

it's a living hell.
why can't i just be okay?
i wish i was okay.
boy, what a horrible day it was.
i can no longer have you as my home because i will end up homeless time and time again.
you made me homeless.
I'm not a very good at explaining things.

But I do have amazing ideas I'd love to share.

But I'm not good at explaining.

Haha.
dang i wish i was good at explaining
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