Tw: mentions of rpe, sxual *ssault, *buse

Falling…
I never realize it is happening
Until the butterflies in my stomach turn to whirlpools
Until I wake up and realize that I’m on yet another roller coaster
It is as though I am walking towards an open door that leads to peace
But it closes on me as soon as I reach for the doorknob

Falling…
I see it in the palaces made of words in fairy tales
I see it in the flashes of images on a blank screen that light up a dark room
Why does falling in those places always end in a happily ever after?
Why do those images and palaces look so different…
From when I fall?

Falling…
Why does it look like hidden smiles, forehead kisses, and long hugs in the rain on the screen
While I watch my own kingdom be invaded by conquerors who only see me as a prize
Why do the words say that it daring, exciting….or even like the warmth of a comforting fireplace
But every time I fall, I feel the glass shards pierce my palms and my knees…
As spears of grief pierce my heart as I see how far I’ve fallen and what could’ve been…
The realization of how pieces of me will always remain in shards, even if they are glued together
Why do I see the magical spells conjoin the sparkle of love struck eyes
While my falling feels like the shackles of a cursed cycle of losing myself
Where my mirror on the wall erases everything and recreates a perfect illusion for another

Falling…
I hear it in the guitar strings and the chords of love songs
It sings of midnight dances in every note, synchronized hearts in every beat
Why does it sound so different from what I hear?
Why does mine sound like ignored protests and whispered pleas of “do not hurt me”
Or like silent teardrops running down one’s cheek
Why does mine sound like the unheard gasps that are muffled by pillows at 12 AM?

Falling…
The fairy tales, the screen, the songs…all mention that falling smells like roses
Well, I guess that is the one thing that is true…
For one only seeks rose petals for their beauty and their sweet smell,
But they always forget that even with the most beautiful things, there are thorns too

Having an episode…is realizing that you are a disaster
Realizing the existence of the tsunami that you hold back
With your glass walls and hearing them crack
But you have to hold everything in anyways
Or else the bloodshed committed by your hands will be unforgivable
It is having people screaming that you are lovable
But rejecting every single word
Because they do not understand just how much of a monster you are

Having an episode…is realizing that you are destruction
It is seeing hugs, cuddles and kisses in the streets
Dreaming of wholesome dates in coffee shops and stargazing on roof tops
Hearing the words “I love you, I love you too” in movie scripts and love songs
Knowing that you could never have that
Because the love of others can bloom like blossoms in the spring
But yours spreads like English Ivy and thorns that suffocates everything in its path
It’s better to suffocate yourself instead…why attempt to make blossoms for others when someone else’s heart can do it so much better than yours?

Having an episode…is realizing that it is happening again
Seeing yourself in the mirror turn morph someone else
Somehow your world never spins around you
But your world is pulled in by the gravity of others
Somehow the self you are supposed to be spirals into a nebula of mirrors where your reflection is filled with twisted obsessions
It’s to the point where the self you are supposed to be no longer exists

Having an episode…is bolting every time someone glances at an exit sign
Because without them, who are you supposed to be?
If they leave, your world is gone…you are gone
Without them, there is no you
No…you leave first…you need to let them go
Because if you exit first, there is no way you can see them exit
It is splitting a person in two, into day and night
They are both god and demon
The pinnacle of perfection and the lowest of the disgraceful
Their presence is the sun and I am icarus
Their absence is the moon where I am a lone wolf longing for it’s cool warmth

Having an episode…is realizing that no matter what, you are always a puppet
Everything you do, every step you take, every emotion you feel, is all for them
It does not matter how free you feel, no matter what, there will always be shackles on your wrist
It’s funny how the home I feel the safest is filled with chains and bars
It’s knowing that no matter what, there is no way to escape this sentence
There will always be a master, a puppeteer…it does not matter whether they see you as a person or an object at their disposal
You are bound to them and you can’t leave

Episodes…
It is only premier after premier
Pilot episode after pilot episode
Until the screen shatters and the wires are severed, there will be no finale

In Taiwan, I seem to fit in
I can speak the language, the green mountains feel like home
The city lights of Taipei are warm, the white sand in bai sha wan glistens under the sea foam
Cold Mango shaved ice refreshes me in the humid summer heat,
While pork rice and egg cake from street vendors are my comfort foods
It feels like a place where I belong, a place I can call home

But the kids in summer camps always ask me where I’m from
Why I have an accent, why I can’t read the store signs
While I may look like all the kids in the summer camp
I still do not belong

In America, I go through ordinary days
I can read street signs, and I don’t have an accent
I can actually write words and sentences on my assignments
I know each street I drive by on my way to school
I do the cupid shuffle in high school parties, my eyes shine with the fireworks on July 4th
This also feels like a place I belong, a place I can call home

But while my footsteps walk this land everyday, I do not belong
Because no one can pronounce my real name, and my food “looks strange”
No matter how American I feel,
I still do not belong

Stuck in two worlds, between two boxes
I’m the purple between the blue and red,where do I belong?
I can’t pick a side, I am not one or the other,

But being purple tells me that I belong…
That I do not have to choose, my heart belongs to these two homes:
The sweet potato-shaped island, with green mountains and city lights
And the land where my friends aren’t far away, where I spend my everydays

A path of white lilies leads up to a small wooden building
The grass scented summer breeze welcomes guests through the open window
Hot spring smoke greets the white clouds in the clear blue sky
Fresh fruit and small cups of warm milk tea on the table
A gray tabby stretches its back and yawns on the window sill
Yang Ming Mountain beckons contentment within me, and puts all anxieties to sleep

Middle school, was heading out to recess after my international day presentation,
And having some older boys slap the Chinese drama mask design sewn on my qi pao
Watching them run away high fiving each other and wondering,
Why were they laughing? What was so funny?

Middle school, was filled with the questions that people asked,
“Where are you from? No, where are you REALLY from?”
Apparently “Maryland” was not the correct answer
They want to know the ancient path of my ancestry that is imprinted into my DNA
The Taiwanese, or was it Thai? blood that flows through my veins
Why do I bother with repeating myself over and over?
When my  words of
“My parents are from Taiwan but I was born in America”
And “no it’s not Thailand it’s Taiwan”
Just fell upon deaf ears and closed minds

Middle school, was the kids sitting across from me at the 7th grade table
Sniffing the air and wrinkling their noses
As the smell of my mother’s homemade spicy tofu and cabbage over brown rice
Escaped my thermos
Should I have eaten somewhere else? Maybe it’s better if I’m not around  

At every turn, I had to explain my existence
A cruel reminder that, though I was born in America, I was not “American” enough
Differences pointed out everywhere, a reminder of where I am “really” from

But many questions later, my insecurity gone
I am proud of who I am, the strong person I’ve become
Though others may have questions, I no longer doubt
That I am Taiwanese American, and I deserve respect and love

Your liveliness sweetens the way the dragon fruit you grow sweetens the tongue
Your smile lights up the room the way those fireflies you caught for your grandchildren did
Your laugh dances the way a summer breeze makes the leaves on the ba la tree dance

You forgave all our mistakes
You always wiped away our tears
You always made sure everyone is feeling okay
You stood by our side for all these years

Though you are 15 hours away
I still hope to see you someday
In your crop garden, standing by the bubbling stream
Instead of being on a small phone screen

But for now I will try to…
Be the dragon fruit that sweetens everyday lives
Lighten up the room the way your fireflies did
Laugh the way the summer breeze makes the leaves dance

Try to let bad moments go
And replace tears with hugs
The way you did when we were young
I will try to be a shelter, stand by love’s side
The way you were my haven, the way you stood by mine
I will try to…
Live the way you taught me how to live
Like a dragon fruit, like fireflies, and like summer breezes

Daydreaming at the pink clouds during a sunrise through my window
Gazing at the reflections of neighborhood life in the lake
Hearing the whisper of the summer breeze
Smelling the sweetness of pine tree sap
You seem to be there in each of these moments

That gray plastic cassette tape
The old ‘80s Chinese music, with muted wooden beats
I can almost hear your soft, honey voice humming along to the melody

But as all pink sunrise clouds turn white
And all songs in cassette tapes end
Sadly our time is short, we have to say goodbye

It all ended with the text I received during lunch
My friends’ laughter echoing through the fourth floor hall
But the world seemed silent, time seemed to stop
As I processed the news that you are gone, all feelings were numb

An ocean away
It’s such a shame,
I was never there to say goodbye
Or even an “I love you” one last time

While the whole world moved at the speed of light
You taught me to slow down and notice the hidden joys of life
While the cold world was a fierce competition
You showed me that the cold world can be warmed with kind hearts and patience
So while you may be gone and the world seems cruel,
You are still here with me, reminding me to take life gratefully

“You are gaining weight”
“I do not care about you”
“You are just like your mother, her side of the family is messed up”

Would you maybe, like to reconsider what you just said?
I hate to admit it, but your words cut deeper than a knife
I’m trying so hard, but they are getting to my head
Maybe reflect on how your words are ruining my life
How I grew up hating myself, wishing I could be someone better instead

They say that family is important, that bonds are important
But I’m starting to reconsider
That maybe family is not the blood that runs through my veins
Or the group of people that share my last name
But it is a group of people where I can feel enough
I’m starting to reconsider
Whether I should stay by your side
Because yes, you do provide me with food, shelter, and the necessities of life
I walk on eggshells, reading your jawline for intentions of strife
You may be family but you should know
If you do not reconsider your actions, your own family will become your foe

Open wounds are bleeding cuts exposed to the sun
Caused by a knife or a scratch from a run
They are lines on the skin that fade after a while
At least that is what it is in people’s mind files

But sometimes blood is not the only thing that flows
Sometimes tears or numb expressions are the only thing that’s shown
Sometimes they are not simple lines that just fade away
For some they run deep, they are there to stay

Some wounds feel sharp like a knife on skin
But to some those wounds are short moments of relief, heaven
Compared to the wounds inside their head
Telling them that they are worthless, they are better off dead
If people look on the inside they will realize, they will find
Not all open wounds mark the body, they can also mark the mind

You only feel the waves tsunami that I have summoned
You only feel the winds of my hurricane that's threatening to blow you away
You only hear the daggers upon my tongue
You only see the red gleam of my eyes filled with rage...

But in the eye of my storm
My inner child is screaming
Save me
I feel like I'm drowning
I feel the darkness filling up inside my lungs
As I attempt to fix the bleeding that has begun
The eyes of the world sees someone who's not perfect
They only see my walls, my flaws, and everything that's wrong

I just want someone to love me
Want someone who won't leave
Want someone to shield me from the war inside my mind
I just want things to feel alright

I swear I don't want to hurt anyone
But things feel lonely when you are the only one
Who understands you, who sees the invisible scars you bear alone
When you can't cry tears in your own home
Clouds collide and take control
But I swear I mean no harm,
I just need someone who unconditionally loves

I knew I should have kept hating you
I knew I shouldn't have let you in
If I had kept my icy walls up,
These memories wouldn't be piercing my heart,
Drawing blood and leaving scars

The stove tops warm
The chattering of dinner conversation fill the air
We would talk about our day, or something funny that we found

Sometimes our hands would smell like newspaper ink
from an article you shared
Or you would make fun of the chubby catfish in the tank

The food warms our hearts, no restaurant could compare
The softness of the rice reminds me of the softness of your heart
The vegetables remind me of your love
The meat and tofu remind me to stay strong
and that you are someone I can rely on

Friends may come and go
And all of us grow old
But your laughter at the dinner table
Is something my heart will always know

Cutting ties, losing trust
Repair the damage, do what I must
Rule my kingdom, focus on me
Try to find little things that make me happy

Don't let anyone else in
Or you will be broken again
Become cold, build my wall of stone

I'm just here sitting on my throne
And dancing all alone
Conquer the difficult lands
And turn my enemies' bones to sand
Turn pain into power
Work Tirelessly every hour
The gain pretty much stops the pain...

But I don't wanna admit it
I only stay happy for a bit
It's hard ruling a kingdom on your own
Because it gets quite lonely on this throne

I remember...
The excitement and nerves in the air
As the stage lights come on and we prepare
The sparkle of our pants shines when we are met with cheers
While we welcome 2020 the new year
Our dragon and lions dance to the drums
Our cymbals and gongs beckon people to come
We lift each other up to the stars
Just like the family that we are

I remember…  
Hearing children’s laughter
And getting ice cream after
Goofing off with friends backstage
Oblivious of the fact that this was our last page

Who knew that we had taken our final bow?
There are only pictures and videos of us now.
If I had known that this is the last time the spotlights die
I would have said a heartfelt goodbye
But all that’s left is the bittersweet taste
Of the memories left on our stage

Inspiration…
It visits me at the most random times,
In many forms

Some days it comes in the form of inner turmoil,
A storm.
Emotions bubble and brew near the brim of my heart,
Begging to be spilled onto a page
And inspiration comes and sets them free

Some days it comes as a thorn on a rose
Sweet memories turned sour,
A painful reminder of what was,
And what could never be, again

Some days it comes as a song,
My mind circling in thought, spinning out the lyrics
Random melodies dancing with my brainwaves
These songs are fleeting, however
They leave quicker than fireflies,
So I must capture them in a jar
In order to remember what my mind sung

Some days, inspiration comes in form of sap dripping from the tree
It moves way too slowly for my liking
Like a snail sluggishly making its way away from the sun
But the struggle feels like a salmon swimming upstream

Inspiration…
When it comes knocking on my door
I let my stories out of the cage that they’re stored

I've never had someone who wanted me around
Past close friends were left to drown
The closest ones brought me to the ground
How much more can I take?

I either dive too deep or the friendship's shallow
My life's too sheltered, been living in a bubble
I feel so ******* replaceable
When will someone choose me?

I just wanna be someone's first choice
But more than anything I wanna be ok
I don't wanna feel like a waste of space
Where is my person?

I don't wanna be played
I don't want anyone else to go away
But I can't force anyone to stay

Seeing my importance fade
As they find someone else to play with
I feel like dying and decaying
How long do I have to spend chasing
Over hearts that will never choose me
When will someone choose me?

How much can I take?
I just wanna be someone's first choice
But more than anything I wanna be ok
Too many friendships left to waste
I don't wanna suffer another heartbreak

Last first days, time ticking
My time at high school falling
I should savor the moment
Live in the present
Before it all turns to dust

But how can I feel okay
When you're weren't here to stay?
You said I'll be fine and that I should be happy

I feel so disconnected
I'm going through the motions
And I don't know where I'm going

All my relationships feel meaningless
Can't compare them to what we had
Everything is changing so fast

Fighting, waves of the past, drowning
Screaming, but no one is listening
The world without you is so, overwhelming

I wish I weren't this complicated
I wish I could just live in the present
But my mind keeps going back to you
Without you nothing makes sense....

Guess I'll just keep feeling disconnected
And going through the motions
And not know where I'm going

Feeling like all my relationships are meaningless
Can't compare them to what we have
And face the fact
That you, and everything is changing too fast

We were so innocent, so pure, our eyes shine like stars
Looking in the mirror, our eyes shine like stars

We loved what we saw from the bottom of our feet to the top
We sparkled with much pride and had hearts that shine like stars

But we heard what we should look like, we saw models
With sparkling gems and gowns that shine like stars

We look at the judgements of others, then at ourselves
With a cruel gleaming glare that shine like stars

But love, you don't need to fit in a box of beauty to be worthy
You have come so far, look at yourself, rekindle that pride, you shine like stars

Was I just a puppet to you?
A simple pawn to your game?
Was my heart just your playground or the targets in your shooter's range?
Were those "dates" just a way to keep me blind from all your *******?
Was I just a simple flask for your little experiment?

You put on quite the show, you were quite the actress
You made "I love you" sound believable
Oh, how sad that this play had to end in a tragedy
Now the curtains close even though I thought the show was going to go on for eternity
I really thought that you were going to choose me
But our love was just a fantasy

I'm still in denial, seems like it's been a while
Even though it's only been 2 days
I'm losing sleep, I'm not eating
My whole body's shaking from this heartbreak

I want to stay but I'm losing faith
From the way you played my heartstrings
The hope that I was the one is gone
I guess I can congratulate you and say "well done"
You stabbed my trust with your thorns
You trampled my roses that I grew for you
I'm walking away, I'm not your toy
Go find someone else, go have fun with your new boy

Different faces, different places
Different stages, different people chased
But it always ends the same old way
Broken glass and broken hearts
Something taken, Something lost
Never to return, forever gone

I build up walls conceal how I feel
Protect my heart with plates of steel
I swear an oath never to succumb to love
To surround myself with ice, to not trust the dove
So that my bleeding heart may heal after what they have done
What they have taken, what they have stole
What they have forsaken, the hurt that they bestowed upon my soul

My warm heart is now a heart of stone
My open doors are now closed
My living blood runs cold in my veins
For I am too tired to play more games

I shatter the glass
Release the storm
I don’t want to hold it in anymore

I’m tired of faking my happiness
Tired of swallowing my pride
Tired of being abused, used

There is not another tear I can shed in secret
There is not another heartbreak that I grieve unseen
I shall release my darkness and let my demons scream
Before I succumb and become numb
Before I let my torturers get away
Even for just a moment, just a second
I shatter the world and paint it black and gray

In the hidden clearing in the woods
Lies a field of weeds with pops of color
Red from poppies, white from daisies, purple from foxgloves
They dance to the music of the wind

The yellow dandelions are the most abundant
Add pops of yellow to the rainbow
Yellow reminds me of my bright days as a child
Where I could be in the sunlight as long as I please
Overtime the yellow turns into white
And petals transform into small fluffy clouds
It takes me back to those moments
When we would make the white fairy parasols fly

Dandelions, although they may be a **** to some
They bring me back to when I was young
Although it may be a nuisance to some
Above all flowers, it is truly a special one

I dwell by the well in the forest
And look into the crystal  clear water
While sunlight flit between the light green leaves
And white light clouds dance across the sky
I  watch the goldfish swimming near the stony bottom
I watch the small secret world of a hidden pond.
With my coffee colored eyes,
I gaze upon the small shiny fish
I wonder if the swimming fish with scales of gold
Dream of a bigger world
Where they can fly and sing like the songbirds
Or roam in the grass like the doe
Or are they happy in that hidden pond
in the well that dwells in the forest
Because that is all they know?

You may play me, manipulate me, trick me
But in the state of it all, I still move forward

You may try to break me,
Using words that cut deeper than knives, or physically harm me
But in the state of it all,
I am still who I am, and I will not change

You may force me into a locked room
Restrict me from the place I long to go
But in the state of it all,
I will find a way to unlock the door
I will find the path to the place I long to go

Though pain may rain down
From the clouds of hardship and suffering
In the state of that storm,
I still move forward to find the right path as myself

All my life
I have felt out of place
Like a wild hawk trapped in a locked room
In a chained cage that is labeled "songbird"

The cage is my body, trapping me in
That label is the pronouns, the labels they slap on me
The locks on the door and the chain on the cage are the expectations
The expectations to fit into a box, even though I would never fit
Though my bones may break and my flesh may tear,
I would never belong in that box

My heart is a butterfly
It flies long distance to look for the sweet nectar of love
It is delicate, like a butterfly’s wings
One strong gust of wind, one lightning storm, one hurricane or tornado
Is enough, to tear the butterfly wings of my heart to pieces
It tries to bring happiness wherever it flies
It tries to please everyone in places where it lands
It is vulnerable, yet so strong
The beaks of betrayal the webs of woe
Are everywhere in this world, waiting to trap it
But despite the fact that there are so many traps
You still see butterflies flying near the rainbow of flowers
and in lush green forests
My heart flies on constantly being trapped and avoiding traps,
It endures the strong gusts of wind, the storms, hurricanes and tornado
Though it is delicate and light
It always has the strength of its might.

A girl walked into my life
She asked me out, treated me like I was worth it
She gave me a sign that she loved me, made it seem like we were more than friends
You even called me your love...
I guess I forgot the walls around my heart were there
I was so sure this time was it
So I took my shot hoping this was it
But I missed, and I realized that this time was no different
She was experimenting what would happen
If she acted this way towards me
Played my heart like a song of betrayal
Broke my heart to pieces, like the dots on a dice
Why did I break my walls down?
How did I not know that you were just a liar
Who thinks it’s fun to make me a pawn in your game

Red plastic solo cups littered on the floor
Confetti spilled on the table, glitter everywhere
Unfinished food, unwashed dishes
When all the people leave

A few hours ago we were young again
We danced and sing without a care
But when the party’s over the real world crashes down
There is no one to stop me
From drowning in the sea
I’m sinking down further into darkness
The disco lights seem cold, the balloons don’t fly as high
The music seems to loud to bear
When the party's over, it seems no one is there

The future
Is a long winding path in a dark forest
The leaves on the trees are so thick
That the moon and the stars can’t be seen
There is no way of telling which way is north, south, east or west
You just follow the path and try to find the light
You hear mysterious sounds in the night
Never knowing if it is made by a friend or a foe

The future
Is full of unknown
Like a dark murky lake, or a black abyss
The direction is always uncertain
There is nothing you can do,
But continue to walk along the path
Until you find the place of rest

Hell on earth, the fire burns
People turn against one another
Fear instills in every body
Time seems to stop, the alarm ringing
The hourglass sand has stopped falling
Everyone says their last words,
As the world, turns to dust

I am a caterpillar
In a cocoon
Sheltered, safe from the cold cruel world
Smothered by the covering
Wings crushed by the walls
I yearn to see what the world has to offer

People say the world is cold and cruel
Society will bash your paper thin wings until you break
But I would rather be out in the danger
Than be stagnant in these towering walls

Without my name I belong to no one
I am no longer in association with my kin
Those who have brought me pain, those who have brought me love
Those who have abused me, those who have built me up

Without my name I am just a person
No one knows where I come from
No one knows my gender
I am just me, no strings attached

Without my name, I am still the same me
It doesn’t matter if you call me Jia-Rong, JR, or Alex
I will still be the same person,
Because my name is not engraved in my DNA

A cabin in the woods
With a fireplace, the smell of wood in the air
Fresh baked bread in the kitchen
And a cat purring on the windowsill
There is a bubbling river flowing in the back

This is my happy place in my imagination
Where I am surrounded by greenery and life
Where time seems to slow and sunlight seems to shine a bit brighter
A place of safety, a place of happiness, a place of rest

My body, is where my soul dwells
It feels pain, it feels joy, it feels excitement, It feels sorrow
My bones are my foundation, my flesh made from stardust
My body is the friend with undying loyalty that will be there till I die

My curves, my acnes, my chubby cheeks
These are my insecurities
These are the imperfections of my friend, my home
The mirror, the camera, the eyes of others turn my friend into a foe
I push my friend away, I hate it’s ugliness, I hate that it’s not perfect

No matter if my body is a friend or a foe, it is always with me
Until I fly to the stars

I want to go out into the world
And see people walk along the streets
I want to go window shopping, or the bakery to get some bread

I want to laugh with my friends, but not through a screen
I want to hug them as we go through the hallways of school

But all I can do is stay in my neighborhood
Crossing the street each time a person comes
Endure my family’s endless critiques
And them loudly talking as I try to concentrate
On my online classes and quizzes that I failed

I can only live in this bubble right now
It seems like the world is ending
I cannot keep pretending
That my friends are here with me
I cannot keep making conversations in my head
I cannot stop myself from slipping into the abyss
Of darkness and depression and uncontrollable emotions

The smell of Christmas
The smell of fall
The spicy sweet scent that causes you to remember it all
Her warm embrace her light touch
In the red leaves with giant sweaters
Flannels and the air getting colder
Fall...
Cinnamon, it warms you up
It brings you back to the greatest time of the year
It brings you back to your childhood as you celebrate Christmas cheer
It brings you back to the log cabins, the warmth of the fireplace, the hot beverages after a trek in the snow
Winter...

Cinnamon, cinnamon,
It is a timeless scent that is known anywhere
For when the air turns cold and red leaves and snowflakes fall
Cinnamon would be there for it all

Sometimes, the storm inside your head
Is so loud
That you can’t hear yourself think

It amplifies the noises around you
The world seems to scream
The whisper of your thoughts
Could never overpower the world’s chaos

I may find closer friends
But they will never match your wit
They will never have your laugh

I may find someone else to love
But they will never make me feel the way you made me feel
The butterflies would not be as colorful

I may choose another sibling
But they will never be as good of a compass that you were

The world may move on, I may walk forward
Time marches on, the earth still spins
But there will always be an empty space in my heart
Where you once dwelt

Though we live on the same earth
It seems as though our worlds have drifted apart
You are on mars and I am on Saturn
We are so close, yet so far apart
I am the earth, and you are the moon
Orbiting slowly around me
But never getting closer
Pulling on me with your gravity,
But I am not the one that makes you shine
Someone else illuminates you, you belong to someone else
The sun…

It’s time to take this broom
And sweep away the sorrows of winter
The heartbreak of last year
The betrayal of fall

Because...I am a flower ready to bloom
I need room to grow
I do not have space
For all these glass shards
But most of all…
I do not have space
To be a pawn in someone else’s game

Strangers
They see a quiet young teenager
Short black hair that the wind messes up
Brown, shy eyes that refused to make eye contact
A seemingly, insecure teen

Through the eyes of friends
They see a loud chaotic ball of energy
Filled with passion, but filled with pessimism
An emotional mess
But will always be there for you

Family
They see the worst side of me
They see my storms, my frustrations, my tears
They are so close but they could never be more far away
They will never know this maze

Being called “ladies” in the hallways
Getting that feeling of being misplaced
People seeing you not for who you really are,
But who they think you are

Why are those actions
Those clothes, shoes and colors
Put into a box that’s associated with gender?
Why am I put in a box because of my clothes, actions, and expression?

Cause dresses are just pieces of cloth
Makeup is just colored powder that you put on your face
And heels are just shoes that make you feel tall

Why does femininity have to be associated
With being a lady or a girl or females?
Can’t femininity just be available to all?

The color of passion
The color of the spark in each of our hearts
As we love, as we fight, as we live
It is the color of that drive in us
To persevere against all odds
The drive to make sure that
Our voices are heard
Red
The color of anger and pain
The color of the blood spilt after each fight
The hearts broken
The demons released
From the cages of our minds
Red, the emotion that we cannot control

Red
Is a double-edged sword
It is love
It is that drive that makes life worth living
It is the excitement, the spark
But it is also the color
That hurts us the most

This is a love poem
To a person who doesn’t know me
They could be a he or a she
or someone who’s non-binary

All I want to do is hold you in my arms
To be safe and sound on a stormy night
All I want is to laugh and talk with you
Or go on adventures then watch the sunset
Is this really too much to ask?

To whom will I give this poem to?
Who will love me and not hurt me
Will there be someone who will love me and not hurt me?

I want a love that’s like a rose without thorns
Rain without thunder and lightening
I want a love that will not hurt me
Is this really too much to ask?

12 AM a time of quiet
No one stirs, no one speaks
The first hour of the day,
Today becomes tomorrow
And no one’s aware

12 AM some people sleep
But some people are restless,
Unable to sleep

Some are chained to the tears of heartbreak
Or held hostage by the demons in their head
Try and try as they might, they will be prisoners of darkness and sorrow
In the night

Some are too excited to sleep
A moment of pleasure,
A moment to remember
It comes closer as each hour passes
As the day of the event finally comes

12 AM, the hour of rest, sorrow and excitement
The first hour of the day,
The hour of emotions or the hour of sleep

The old places of laughter
Are now full of sorrow and yearning
As I remember all the days we spent together
Without you here

The treasures that have your fingerprints on them
Are now meaningless objects, stored away in boxes
Shut away in cupboards
Forgotten
Just like the way you have forgotten me

The songs we used to sing on the top of our lungs
The ones we used to dance to
Are now the songs I play at 3 am
When I yearn to be snuggled in your embrace

The old photos in the album with us laughing,
Moments frozen in time,
Moments where I can’t go back
A reminder that you are gone

The sun’s warm rays
Remind me of my days in the sun
The days of no responsibility
When innocence was still alive...
The snow white clouds remind me of the
Pure, innocent dreams of a kid…
The trees, remind me of those games of hide and seek
Those days where we could laugh and joke
Without a care in the world
The bird’s song reminds me of the times when
The only song I listened to, was the song of the present
The song was loud, clear, and uninterrupted
By the darkness inside my head

Sometimes, when I yearn for the past
I go back to nature because…
Unlike objects or people,
Nature never changes
The white clouds will always be in the sky
The sun will always shine during the day
The trees will always stand tall
And the birds will always sing…
Until the day I die

Anxiety….
You try and stop it, the voices in your head,
the impending feeling of dread...
the ticking of the clock, waiting for danger that will never come.
It is like one of those movie scenes,
where you are in a glass tank submerged in water.
The glass is cracked and there is water spilling in.

You try and stop it, you try not to drown, you try to do anything...to keep that water from flooding in... but you fail.
The dread comes rushing in, it takes over your body and you lose control.

You try not to drown, you try to calm down as the waves assail you. Your lungs feel as though they are about to combust,
your ribs feel as though there is a net made of fear tangled around them, strangling them.
Your heart sings the battle cry of a thousand drums as your body prepares to fight an enemy made up of twisted illusions.

Your eyes flood with uncontrollable, blinding tears….your breath quickens as you seemingly run out of air….You tell yourself, calm down….breathe….count your breaths, you're safe. Nothing stops that urge to panic though...it seems as though nothing can stop it.

Anxiety...

a seemingly infinite roller coaster that you can never get off of
and when you finally do, it has ****** every drop of energy from your body.

You don’t eat, because you will throw it all up….
you don’t sleep, because the voices in your head are deafening.
You wonder when you will feel safe.
For as long as these fears knock upon your door when you are alone or when you are with others, there is no way that you are safe...

Anxiety...
people say it is normal,
that it is necessary for survival.
But how am I supposed to trust those illogical fears that tear my relationships apart?
How am I supposed to trust the very thing that drowns me...
the thing that I battle with almost everyday?

She is the warm fireplace that warms you up
After a long weary day of wandering in the snow

Her words are the cups of hot tea that gives you
That warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach
On a cold day

Her laughter is the sun rays that peers through the gray
on cloudy days,
Or a candle, that lights up a dark room

Her voice is the warmth of the cabin,
A sign of comfort, knowing that you are safe

Her embrace, is the soft, fluffy blanket that keeps you warm
That you wrap yourself in as you fall asleep
Or a warm winter coat, that shields you from the assaults of the wind

She is warmth, she is comfort, She is sunlight in the cold
She is the apricity in my cold, dark, soul