tighten your tanned arm around my waist
put your thumb inside my bottom lip
tell me how pretty i look in a dress
even more with it on the floor
and with a sun-dripping smile
i will bloom beneath the ripened lust
that seeps from your secret gaze
like a blazing hillside of orange poppies
shifting towards you in the soft wind
waiting to be crushed

the daydreams aren’t just daydreams anymore
i can get on the train whenever i’d like
the doors are wide open and waiting
for me to lie naked in the shifting light
of a four-story brooklyn walk-up
to fall asleep on a freckled chest
to run my fingers through fields of white sage
i am the opening iris
the floating dust that glimmers like crushed diamonds
the feathery eyelashes caught on eager fingers
i am the sunlight and the wind
intersecting across the gleaming reservoir
where the bluegills breathe underwater
where you and i dance gloriously on the surface
where we become carelessly entangled
before slipping underneath

it's my birthday.
i cried last night of the thought that i really made it another year.
the rain seemed to push me down so hard and i can't believe i'm still here.
walking with my friend yesterday,
i looked at her,
just by looking at her,
i knew that i should be here.
in that moment,
i knew i wanted to stay.
it's birthday and i'm --,
another year of breathing,
another year of crying,
another year of smiling,
another year of feeling like i was nothing,
another year of loving,
another year of me.
i don't know how to feel this year about myself yet
but
i'm here and that's all that matters.

i didn't want her to hold me
because i knew what it meant.
she saw me crying and she wanted to hold me,
i couldn't wrap my arms around her.
by her embrace,
i knew it meant that she saw me falling apart and she was trying to hold me together,
to make feel better.
but i felt nothing but this ocean of sadness.
i didn't want her to hold me,
i wanted to tell her to let go but i couldn't even open my mouth.
i am far beyond repair.
i couldn't feel her touch.
oh how badly i wanted to breakdown in her arms,
fall down from my shaky knees,
and
cry.
oh how badly i just wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
i walked until she let go of me.
as we were about to part ways,
i looked up at her
with tear filled eyes and said goodbye.

dear friend,
i'm happy to have met you in this life.
i can't remember my past lives but i believe that i've met you in those too.
i still remember the beginning of our friendship,
it's nice and i like it.
you've lit up my life.
i could swear on everything i have that the universe brought us together,
that the universe showed me you to prove that someone could be the most beautiful living thing ever.
more than any flower,
moment,
memory,
sunset,
sunrise,
person,
living organism,
everything.
you're all of these things in one human and i still feel paralyzed with love and warmth talking to you.
there's moments that i feel undeserving of your presence.
every bad thing seems to be nonexistent when i talk to you.
the love i have for you seems different from other kinds of love.
i can't explain it other than "our love".
it's unique and one of a kind,
nothing like it will ever exist i think.
i tried to write you a poem before,
for the first time and i think it was about macaroni shaped like a smiley face.
there's no words to describe you or this.
meeting you will be the best day ever.
i think the earth might explode from happiness radiating from us.
when i think of us meeting all i can imagine are supernovas.
supernovas outshine galaxies and radiate more energy than the sun will in its entire life.
i think that describes our friendship.

i felt it more tonight than the past few nights.
it was raining today,
looking outside the bus window,
it felt like you were still here.
for a while,
i convince myself you're still here with me,
with us.
i close my eyes and i can hear your voice again.
closing my eyes,
i can see yours,
they hold galaxies and universes inside them.
i try to swallow the lump in my throat,
closing my eyes tighter,
you're not here.
i'll see you again when it's my time but it feels so far away.
i want to hold you again,
i want you to tell me i did well like you always would.

you look like an angel from a renaissance painting.
you are love personified.
it's hard to believe that we're here together,
on this earth,
alive at the same time.
looking at you makes me feel both grounded and out of this world.
i don't why i want to text you all the time,
telling you how even my cereal reminded me of you,
wondering if you'd like the same kind too,
or how i'll call you when i'm laughing at something and i want to share with you too.
sometimes i'll look at you while we're walking together and it'll feel like i'm floating.
everything fits with us.
i'm convinced that we're meant to be alive at the same time.
oh how i don't know how i got this far without your hand to hold.

i couldn't focus because of the rain running into the window.
oh how the world was literally gray.
i could see the trees and pavement getting wet from where i was sitting.
i wondered where you were right now?
was this rain your tears?
i wanted to hold you.
i missed the way you cupped my face in your hands,
how your eyes healed me.
the rain brought me out of my trance of you and brought back to my body, to this world
without you.

i write about our love sometimes.
how i'll never get over the way your eyes are filled with stars when you smile.
or the way your cheeks turn the most beautiful red when we held hands.
i could write about your obsession with the rings on your fingers and how,
no, they didn't have a story,
they were purely for admiration.
i write about our love.
impacting my heart in such strengths that i can only describe as electric and stars exploding and being made again.
but we aren't good for each other,
that was the hardest conversation i've ever had,
telling you that we couldn't in each other's lives.
the darkest days hung over me like wet clothes.
everything kept piling on.
your words knocked me down when i tried to pick us Both back up,
wanting me to stay underwater with you,
"we have each other.".
i can't forget the look in your eyes when i told you good bye.
i write about our love sometimes,
most of the time i don't feel anything anymore.