If life is a ***** then death is my lover
I kiss one hello and farewell the other

Embrace the darker spaces that lie within my heart
And reject the obligations that are bound to never last

Why can't you just leave me in peace, just leave me be
I'll exit one nightmare and enter a dream through sleep

now when I think of love I want to puke,
the thought literally makes me sick to my stomach because I know now what it does to a person

how you lose yourself in someone else and then all of sudden you can't breathe anymore without them

I am promising myself to never be that stretched again,
to give myself a try for once, relying only on my intuition and will to power through life and relationships, never getting too blind to see things as they really are

I wanna know what it's like to be so good alone that the earth shatters when I take a step,
electricity radiates from my skin and my soul is so loud it shouts through my eyes

“did you wish you
would have successfully
committed suicide?”

you can’t ask me that
because it is one
hell of a loaded question
and i’ll spend all this time
agonizing over what answer
will make you worry the least
because and ****** anyhow
i just don’t know

it’s just one thing in
a long laundry list of
maybe’s that i took
from therapist to therapist
and psych ward to psych ward
trying to find a definitive answer
on why i was depressed
why i was afraid to sleep at night
why i couldn’t just be happy
why i wanted to die
just why why why

and i don’t know
because my whole life
felt like preparations in order
to die younger than i should have
but that stubborn cursor just
kept on blinking away
saying that my story wasn’t over

but the thing is
that depression has no face
because there were good days
where i wasn’t miserable
but then the nights were hell
and i could never cut deep enough
to find the infection
that made me this way

because even now
almost 20 and terrified
over a life that still
sometimes feels like it should
have ended four years ago
i am still depressed

under the genuine smiling
and laughing where i don’t care
if my crooked teeth show
my mental illness is still there

and i am riddled
with anxiety
and guilt
and regret
though i still cannot
say for certain if that guilt
extends to the fact that i
failed to take my own life
because i just do not know

it’s a long list of maybes
more than the scars littering
my left arm
or the days that i spent
bruising my wrist on
any sharp corner i could
because i can’t say “yes”
and i can’t say “no”
without it feeling like a lie

“did you wish you
would have successfully
committed suicide?”
i don’t know
yes
no
maybe
maybe
maybe

Once good, thrice dead.
You think you would, yet go to bed.
It seems far from sane,
That you wont be tame.
Your thoughts are too loud,
And you are so far from proud.
Listen to the silence.
It mocks you, and it shocks you.
They beckon you, their voices, their presence.
What if it turns out to be true?
Were you ever alive?
Did you ever really try?
Is it just another lie?
Or will you really die tonight?
To many times you've cried,
Trying so hard to be someone that might mean something to your loved ones.
You say to me, "One more day? I don't know if I've got one..."
Well please dont be here, or anywhere near, if the life you live will be to your throat a painful shiv.
Ill stand here and demand,
More of this chore,
Of a life you call a bore...