I miss the old days
The days I spent not worrying
My happiness not walking on eggshells
Failure wasn't a concern
Now it's all I seem to do
Catastrophically failing at life
Slipping into a darkness
I've feared since the first grade
Knowing all too well my fate loomed
Eagerly awaiting the moment
I failed at all the right things
Eagle to my rathole heart
Insurmountably falling prey
To the demons I created
And failed to drown
Not realizing they learned to swim
I miss the old days
Reminiscing only for the sake of sanity
Reliving the happiness
Even for a second
Before reality slaps me cold
Hopes of living it in the moment
Growing desolate

I have kissed boys

Girls

People in between

But lately I have been kissing bottles

Their lips are colder than yours

But slowly I have realized that the pounding headache when I wake is less hurtful than the shattering in my chest

Yet as these toxins rush through my veins

I can't help but miss the tracing of your fingers along my skin

Miss the numbness of the world when you lie with me

But when I wake I remember that a headache is treated with an aspirin

While heartache

Well if you have a cure for Heartache let me know

Look at yourself

Squeeze any fat you have

A pinch

A handful

How much is too much?

What really is fat or skinny?

Victoria's Secret "Love My Body" campaign shows seven svelte models while Dove's "Real Beauty campaign features an array of 'Real Women' with curves in all the right places 

Both campaigns exclude most body types and show major problems with society

One shows plus sized is okay is only okay if you're plus in the right places

The other proves skinny is king

These are the standards we set for little ones to abide by

With a small bust plus wasn't an option

So I turned skeletons into goddesses 

Prayed the would teach me how not to need

Worshiped hipbones over pizza

A tiny waist over lunch

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

Yet todays media forms computers in the minds of children to count calories as thought food were merely numbers

I learned how to purge from a pro Ana website when I was nine

Stuck a toothbrush down my throat and forced up dinner

Turned to laxatives at 12

Learned ill was okay if skinny was the side effect

Today I look at myself

Squeeze any fat I have

A handful

A pinch

How much is too much

will i always carry you in my heart?
life experiences taunt me
it makes me stronger to live through it
to make myself more real