I've been listening to music.
I've been striking up conversations.
I've been avoiding any sort of reality.
Because....
My grandpa is dying.
Fading away from the vital jokes and squishy hugs.
Lying in his bed with his brown skin turning pale as the pages of a book.
That is nearing its end..

I've been walking around aimlessly remembering the time, when I went through the same thing with my grandmother.
Visiting in the night, on the day..
that they'd pull the plug on the machines that were keeping her alive.

She was in so much pain for so long...
For months it was inevitable,  yet
that big heart of hers wasn't enough to fight another hour.
Disgusted with myself because I was praying that she wouldn't die on my birthday.
Because I'd hate the thought of living after then if she did.
Selfishly not considering the pain she was in all along.

Her lungs were failing as a tube made a temporary home in her throat so she could breathe...
Her heart was failing and her doctor  was kind.
Trying to ease her passing and made sure she was alive until all of us made it there to:

How sick is this...

For us to, "see her off"

Her skin turned yellow and empty like a living corpse...and her breathing was helped by a mask.

As the minutes went on.
And I told the current event to my friends in different time zones...they let me bare my tears across a small screen as I'd write to them with blurry eyes and a heavy heart.

I never knew that knowing when someone you loved die could damage you so thoroughly.
Friends staying awake to 6 AM.

And when she has minutes left on her clock.
That painful silence..
Was the sound of a broken heart..not like glass..but an agonized scream inside.
Unable to openly mourn for her you lean against the wall and cry until rivers grew jealous.

Thoughts revolve and whir
clicking together mechanically
in a consistent hum I'd wonder if you
were smiling today.
Unable to see or notice
a true smile
you drive me nuts
as bolts and metal re-align
hoping in erratic motions.

Set automatically
sorting through things
that steal away my gears.
Rusting those that refuse to budge
damaging beyond repair.

If only it were enough to be called 'human'
Be rid of these cogs that ***** with my mind.

As well as thoughts of you...

There were songs to be sung.
Pages to be read.
Letters to be burned..

Yet you left them all for,

Me.

On my lonesome personal holiday.

"Why won't you come?", you knew I'd have asked as your heart trembled, absorbing the news and imagined..

People coming into the parlor,  dressed in tears and shades of sorrow.

Children were crying.
Friends were crying..
My mother was crying.
And so were my beautiful baby brothers.

You know, I wish I could have been able to watch them grow up.

I waited in that box, filled with nothing but an ache to see my you just once in my life before I left. You must have felt the same,

because you quickly resolved, 

And were dead set on coming. Cursed, the weather and ignored your bodies cry for sleep. You needed to come and see me at least once. So you caught a plane out of your country into mine. Shaking and red eyed you explained how you knew where to come on my Facebook, to my family.

Because they never knew you in person.
You could see a casket behind them.
Dark brown and flanked by flowers of iridescent colors. But you fell to your knees when you saw the baby pictures on the board.

Of me when I was small.

They took you into their arms and cried with you. You wish you could have come sooner. We both wished that we didn't have to meet this way...you are hollow by the time you reach a seat.

Attending service and keeping to the back.
Listening to every story and word people had to say for her. Proud of me, weren't you big brother?

Weren't you crying for a miserable sort of joy, when you found out that they put your name into the program?  And listed you as my older brother. Because I always spoke of having you as my brother and made sure everyone knew it?
I guess you couldn't hear anything over the sobs you were holding in.
I'm sorry that this time, I can't stop you from crying..

Wistfully looking at my younger cousins who I assured you that you'd love on sight. You know that I did my best to raise them well. "What more could you do?", you thought. Yet again, I made your heart swell with stabs of pain and joy.

When you left the parlor and got to hear about me and the poems I'd write about you.  You wish we could have known each other better.  Smiling through tears as my family and friends consoled you and your broken heart. They knew by now that you must have loved me.

Even if I never said it to you.
You must have known.

That big brother, 

I love you. :)

Though there are people who believe that they love me, I have always felt alone.
Barred from the bridge and key that lies just beyond my fingertips.
If only someone could see,  how broken my smiles are. How shallow my assurances that "I'm fine."

Didn't you learn in school, to read between those lines that filled the pages of your notebook like stolen dreams and broken promises?

When will someone see.

That I am alive but I am dying.

Awake but dead inside.

Suicide would be cheating myself of a life I don't seem to have much control over. I guess being a pawn in the game of life is only useful when you die the way the masters choose. You do not pass go, there is no jail, you rot within the corners of your mind and you say nothing.

Silence screams and rings in agonizing patterns whenever you find some sort of hope. Making hell sound like a beautiful place.

God must spit on you often.
Because no other person I know could be treated so cruel. Not an inkling or love found within my bible. Page after page of words and words alone that I am supposed to believe in.
A holy father that left me in my sorrows year after year.

Mentioning Angels gives you nightmares. Only good  people can be so loved. You have no right to even wish for a happier afterlife. If so, be assured that you will burn in ways not mentioned in your bible. Hell now seems so kind.

Mother ***** in front of you.
Frozen and immobile doing nothing,  because that's all you can do.
Nothing.

As your fear of men grows in the way your "Father" touches amd demands your affections. One wrong move, one unwanted word, and you will pray for death quick and swift. Asking Santa yet again, not to live another year.

When my blood blossomed into ruby droplets and my face swell as I walked to school, shaken and terrified. I prayed that God would take my life. I didn't want it.

Praying to a god that never came.


He never,





came..

I kept it a secret
When your voice pierced the walls.
When I was four and frightened,
at the booming from the hall.

Never known what a monster was.
In truth, I thought they’d never exist.
Until the monster raged at my mother.
Held her down by her wrists.

Screaming and fighting.
Fighting and begging.
With swollen cheeks and blurred vision she made me promise to stay.
To lock the doors.
And never open them.
No matter what things she’d say.

Locked ourselves in our room.
In diapers and with shrieks.
Keeping my two little brothers from the door.
The thunks were getting louder.
Some heavy objects hitting the floor.

Fear has never existed,
till that night in the hall.
Till I saw with my own eyes,
what a bad man did to my mom.

The door refused him in.
My face warm with tears.
The next time I’d remember this, was when I made eighteen years.
Our voices were hoarse from screaming.
Screaming.
For our mother.

Thuds and broken glass.
Giving me no choice.
I kept the door locked from his rage and booming voice.
Objects breaking in the hall.
My two year old brother tried to open the lock,
I pulled him back so he’d fall.
Frustrated and scared he screamed in my arms.
I wouldn’t let anything give them ****** harm.

The door cracked as the monster punched it repeatedly.
As he hit her repeatedly.
As he kicked it repeatedly.
As he hurt her...

repeatedly.

Trying to get to us.

Mommy said I had to take care of them.
Not to let the monster in.
No matter what happened.
No matter how badly we shook.
No matter how painful her screams.

The door spit out splinters.
And was damaged in three places.
Imagine the damage it’s do...
if it struck our young faces.

The legos and toys I set against the door trembled.
With each punch.
With each kick.
With each bit of rage.
Never knew what’d happen to my mom or my brothers.
This thought was making me sick.

She screamed in agony in the hall.
In pain, she threw words at an angry man.
Blows so hard hit....
Hit her again.
And again.
We could feel it in the walls.

Courage building like Lincoln Logs, with my hands to my chest.

I unlocked the door...
And saw my beaten mother on the floor.

Seeing me in his peripheral vision, he saw me.
Made his way towards where I stood...

Four and Frightened I shrieked for my mommy.
As I heard her yell “DON’T YOU TOUCH HER YOU BSTRD!!!!”


Then everything went black.

When the waves of change make ripples that spread across the seas like wildfire...she is there.

Calming your fears of drowning in those blazing waters with words that weave lullabies throughout your mind.

When rage shakes the Earth,  and comets rain down from a starless sky...she is there.

Keeping the pieces of your shattered soul together like the roots of a tree that clings deep into the soil; lending you her shoulder as those traitorous tears leave hot trails across your glistening cheeks.

When love denies you peace of mind. Leaves you frozen and chilled in a blizzard of misery and misfortune...she is there.

Reminding you that you're worth loving. Igniting the dried and brittle leaves of a lost hope into a roaring bonfire; that leaps to embrace you and all of your misgivings like hot soup on a wintry day.

When the world goes against you,
causing your once ironclad backbone to rust as it is weathered and tethered till it crashes into the ground in a catastrophic booming of dust,
        fire,
              and fear.
As everything you believe in falls like shooting stars, left to shrivel in the scorching sunlight as you abandon your hopeful dreams amongst the debris.
Laced with the toxic webbing that'd chant repeatedly,  "You'll never win, you're nothing, you cannot fight us, you'll never win." Clawing their seeds of poison into your skin..

Rubble lies broken, muddied, and stained from the tears that continuously streamed from your eyes. Leaving you breathing in hacking sobs and frightened whimperings...she is there.

In the strength of your spine, as tall as the highest mountain and as mighty as a tiger prowling throughout his leafy kingdom. Knocking down any and all who stand in the way of your aspirations and happiness like mice being tossed about in the paws of a feline. She will assist in helping you find your place in the world,  like the missing puzzle piece to the questions you've wanted the answers to all your life.
She is the mind,
and she is the fight behind your army..
You call her sister.

Now, whenever times leave you standing on the edge of a difficult moment..breathe and remember.

Remember the blissful sound of her laugh,

      the way love coloured her voice as she spoke your name for the first time..

& that no matter what life may throw at you,

she'll always have your back.



My beautiful sister,



                          Alveena♡