Sometimes, I do not recognize myself.
And I think this is good.
For who I once was
Of that, mostly came no good.
I can laugh loudly now.
I can love the Lord.
Take comfort in His rod and staff
though my heart is pierced with the sword.
I comfort myself knowing that you are not mine, but only our Lord's.
Because He will take far better care of you,
Than I ever did before.
When my heart is like this...it feels oddly full, yet at the same time sore.
I pray your heart is fuller than any other man's, and all good things come to you through our Lord.

Save the words that you don't mean,
like holding back water that begs to explode in laughter
from your lips.

Save the hurts from which you cannot be redeemed,
You'll regret the unforeseen things you can't control
if you let them slip.

One day you'll be fine and serene.
Yet the moment "Sleeping" hits you at 4:44
you will be fine no more. No, you'll be a mess.

Friend, sadness does not stay at bay.
Regret doesn't live forever, either.
but one day...
One of them will stay. Though you'll choose neither.

You'll sit with it instead of the one you love.
And you can't hug regret, for it's not the same stuff
that you are made of.

And we're not supposed to live this way,
I've been doing a **** fine job. But when
I picture your face...
and the life we planned to have...
I just feel robbed.

But I know it is my own doing. A path I chose that got me here.
And just know it is myself I was *******, to be without your love oh, my dear.

It's a better life I'm pursuing. Free of fighting...free of tears.
And I know that's both of our doing...
Both of us that got me here.

God can take all the credit for what I'm doing,
and I hope he's helping you the same.
You were the brightest part of my life,
until unto Jesus my soul came.

What more is there to say?
What more is there to do?
When on any given day,
I am the enemy to you.

Forget the trials that cause dismay,
forget the world which makes us blue.
I am more evil than all that when you hate
me in this way that you do.

I want to feel the sun upon my face,
I want to take a long warm dip with you,
but none of that is coming my way
it's a long cold winter for which I am due.

I will suffer all my days
**** me if it's true,
you don't need me anyways,
Now that last part is surely true.

You found God in your heart
and met me less than a month later.

There are no coincidences.

What if I told you
I'm happier than I once was?

What if I told you
Life isn't something we all thought up?

What if I told you
I'd still like to hold you
And give you love that
I never used to have?

Oh darling,
Let's forget I just said that.

The day is coming soon darling
I'll be waiting right here
My heart will be changing
'Til the day you draw near

She said she knew who I was,
insulting who I am.

Some days I regress just because
it's hard to be strong, I am just man.

But even all the inventions and buzz,
created by a hand

Is all there ever was,
repeating again and again.

I heard you had asked about me,
been asking these friends of mine.
And at first- now don't doubt me,
but the thought had crossed my mind.
This means nothing to me,
and if you cared you'd call!
A thought so untrue and gloomy,
for it is special that you'd care at all!
It is love, that gesture of asking.
And I know this because God sent me a sign.
One wing in the sky, one wing on the ground-
And this was not the only time.
For an attitude of an ungracious heart I once bore,
Making all the riches of your love seem poor.
Dismissing anything that didn't fulfill my fantasies,
I never gave your love a real chance, you see.
Because I needed the love of a Father.
Now I have his, but your love not.
And even this is fine my dear,
for a God's love I have got.

If I focus on His love,
well that is more than enough.
But these moments I'm not fond of,
where I find out the right thing is really tough.

And I'm hurting more than I would care too.
But He loves me all the same.
And I'm wishing you were there too.
But He loves me just the same.

What more could I ask for?
A savior is always watching over me.
And when He gives I still want more.
How selfish can I be...

I loved you more once than I loved Him.
But He loves me just the same.
Even when I loved you less than the pain I was in.
He loved me all the same.

There may come a time in your life
where friends are slim to none.
and you've got no love-
but your own
and you're more than alone
with no place called home,
and a life that's always rough.

You've got a comrade in me,
A bird of the same feather, you see
at least you aren't truly alone.
I have never had anyone, but God
and you may think it odd,
but I was just born a lonesome
*rolling stone.

have courage, be sincere, obey, get back up.
This is the rhythm of life-
if you forget the last step...
you can always begin again with the first.

You wake me.
Invade me.
I am more alive
Than I have ever been
My entire life.

How have I taken this long to get to ten?
I promise the number has no relation to my thoughts,
because I think of you often.
Tonight I'm especially heavy.
Wishing I could magically make your journey here quicker.
That you would come running, or bumping, or calling
in relation to me.
And I would receive, fall, or answer
all these things.
And just like that, the good times would be twice as good.
And these bad ones, half as bad...
In the mean time, I'm leaning on the one who is perfect.
Who is teaching me there is no "mean" time.
There is no in between.
Today is the day,
and every day after.
And if I never get the running, or the bumping, or the calling...
I hope I do not notice.
I hope I am so enamored by the presence of God
living on the inside of me.
That I don't miss anything He hasn't given me.
I want you, but you'll have to wait.
Because he will bring you better than anyway I could have hoped
and labeled it as faith.

It's impossible to know if I did the right thing,
but it is possible to be okay knowing I did something.

Don't ask me how you can obtain,
something you already know.  
If you seek a spiritual gain,
Only you can go.
Take in the love
Replace the pain.
Try breathing like you know,
The world won't be the same,
For any of us who let go.

I'm starting to notice something,
I'm unsure if it's true.
But when did all of my writing,
become less about me...
and more about you?

Oh, I forgive...
who we once were,
who I was to you,
and for the heartbreak I made you give.

Oh, I have forgiven.
The sins of the past.
I promise I'm no longer living,
Jesus, a life like that.

Oh, I will forgive.
Again, everything that comes to past.
And I promise should  I meet you in the future,
only love will last.

Within us lives sadness.
To deny this fact, is beyond ignorant.
To reject any aspect of life, madness.
Yet we constantly send an internal "NO" signal towards the strange and unfamiliar, causing the mind to identify the truth as malignant.

While we run around this planet that is matter, composed of a shell made of mere matter, throwing our energy into things that don't matter
We lose.
And we're lost.
We are fighting an invisible war at what cost?

I have the choice to make every second heavenly,
Open eyes can only live intentionally.

You are building your story one day at a time.
It is up to you, if you want
                       that story to rhyme.
It is up to you, if you want
                      to fill it with lines,
That make all the sense in the world,
                     but aren't truly your design.
It is up to you to decide how your pages are spent,
                    do you want a life of accident?
Or to accomplish a great destiny,
                    which you fully meant.

Existing means you're connected.
Last night I read from the soul to a room full of prettier, happier spoken words, and with applause they accepted.
A stranger's own soul spoke before me, touching me in my heart made of art.

He was LOUD, a staccato.
Fears waved over my whole body like an ugly vibrato.
My voice had no hint of repose,
Just worry echoed all over my prose.
How could I compare? He evoked my tears with his descriptions of misrepresented women rappers,
Spoke my small sorrow filled words and world views, imagery I hope I captured.

They shouted "Do you have more?" as I sheepishly fled,
Setting my worries down alongside my purse, from the heart I read.
I told stories about my failure to be loved by you,
How the heart originally cried, but chose happiness, refused to be blue.
With that I spoke of dreams, that held me together like glue.
I know what all these connections mean now, this is what I'm meant to do.

If there was a favorite button of yours, it'd be ignore.
The letters would be smudged and slightly worn,
it would probably read with a vague "I" and a less visible "ore".
You used to read it all the time, what'd you quit that for?
Does this lapsed habit read into something more?
Should I be worried, furious, nonchalant?...I'm torn.
Guess I should think about that less
and write **more.

There is such an absence of life being spoken into the world.
On this website,
In real life,
What am I to do? I'm just one girl...
But that thought, in itself, is an absence of life.
Because I AM one girl, but I can change the world if I like.

I can't stand to read " I am nothing without you" or lies such as these.
I wish I could open all of your eyes,
speech like this is a disease!
You HAVE to love yourself!
Do it for YOU! Can't you see?
I love you...whoever you are.
And so does God, so much that he let man ****** his only son.
You are someone even without the love of that special someone!
So much so that this thing you are reading had to be done!
Because I feel guilty writing about the grief and sadness I am trying desperately not to feed because I lost my love I regarded as the one.
It is okay and will always be okay!
There is never anything that could be done,
to make God turn away from loving you!
Remember this as much as you are touched by the rays of the sun.

Body feels like its first breath entered
Zen like state, spirit centered
Happy is here with someone new.
Blurred features tease me, could it be you?
Did you come back? Will you find me?
So used to telling these thoughts no, you could actually surprise me.


I keep falling in love with the most inconvenient of things
Do I appreciate too much, or is there too much that makes my soul sing?

...........
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                ..........              
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                                                    .....       ­        ........
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                                                                ­        ........
                                                ­   .......
freedom
Seven different tabs open,
but a single one I never needed.
Copped a fresh attitude
questioning whether or not I even believe it.
I wasn't born into love
so I can't explain how badly I need it.

free it

Like a slave given a ticket to the underground,
I open my chest and upon this mess
I hope I can expound.

type it out and my internal clock gets set to "rewound"

Now all I hear from life is a bunch of sounds.
Pressure from the world to be different,
so I'm not around.
Cannot relax when I come out and they all look down.
Cannot relax because inside my mind these problems are found.

I believe God has a plan for my life and there is never a reason to worry.

I believe a positive attitude makes a positive life.

I believe love really is all you need.

I believe the world we live in is an illusion.

I believe in listening to my gut.

I believe in praying about everything.

I believe kindness and ugliness both spread like a disease.

I believe anything is possible.

I believe we are one.

I believe life is a cosmic joke.

Next to peers I don't fit in
We may share an age,
but I can't hide the years I have on them within.

eternally awkward
Trying to bridge the gap
between my soul and sin.

I think I've got it,
Then I lose again.
Time after time
Wishing the life I wanted would begin.
Wasting time and feeling,
I'll never see the end.

I can start to feel the places I go
change. When I walk in I feel as though
they know, I have something to say. I
may not act my age. I may resist the urge
to say, what I really feel I should say. But
I know I have to wait for a better day. A
day when they already want to say my name.
A day where nothing is the same due to fame.
A day where they may or may not take their
shot, because they'll wonder, "What if every
one realized they could have what she's got?"

What if it spreads?
What if I'm too big and too white, too?
What if I do the right thing, could I be supported
by you?
What if I stand before God and all of the people,
and I tell the whole entire world about all their
rich,
deceitful
evil?

stayed true
straight through
never strayed from you.

My world and yours,

are not the same.

Not the same course,

not the same pain.

If I am lost too far in my world,

please stop me, I'll refrain.

My problems will never be hurled,

at you, or yours in vain.

Should we manage to intertwine our realities

in an unexpected way.

Promise we'll respect each other's Achilles,

and live a life so beautiful it's cliche.

I am not asking for the world,

or any other thing.

Just fists that go uncurled,

and an excess of love we both bring.

I love you, I love you, I love you.
But sometimes, I will just have to walk away.
I try so hard, I try so hard.
Goodness, do you see me today?
I know, I know, I know
There's things that can't be.
But I'm open as an ocean
Let my tides bring you out to me.

All that I am working with,
Is like the world's biggest magnet.
And I bury it with flesh and soft curls,
Emotions and the problems of the world.
I know my weakness is my strength.
I know you think it might cause me to stray.
But if I don't use my gifts today,
I'm sure that all I fight for will fade away...

I've been doing the next thing.
The I'd rather not feel myself thing.
The I work,
I work,
I...
work,
to not notice the phone doesn't ring.
To not notice I'm pining...
Not really for the love of anything,
But from loving everything.

My mind is lost in the sea of information,
Thought I could swim, thought I wouldn't fall-in,
but I still kept pacing.
Blame me because I let fear in,

THEN I ERASED IT.

Fear serves no purpose, unless you strive to control a nation.
I'm just sayin.