maybe i don't write sad
or about the things i wish i had
but never did
and i can't stand of the thought
the one that bleeds
and eats
and tears at my mind
until I've screamed
and gone half blind
and I learned today that
it's called a butterfly hug
i've always just called it
misery and her desperation
to feel
to need
and breathe it in
and no i don't write sad
about the love im a stranger to
i don't need it
ive always survived with less than nothing
less than real
less than concept
it's just honest admission
i can't tell if im proud
or just plain afraid to feel
because what then?
what becomes of me?

breaking moans
slick as stones
force of my
savage form

dipping my fingers
in a lake of cotton and honey
a marvel, the way the moon
reflects my absolute need

it's funny, how i become
a beast when i cannot choke back
the tension

oh the tension, the retention of all
thoughts from this week
why must my ecstasy be a secret
that i have to keep?

you are broken
shattered
lost

i know that the memory
of what you used to be
is fading

how will you ever
put yourself back together again?
how will you ever
find your home?

here is what i have done:

take the jagged pieces
of your broken being,
*and turn yourself into a mosaic

i am afraid to love you
because the thing i have loved the longest
lays on my pillow in tatters

a bunny, a delicate thing
handed to me in the confines of my crib
the one consistent comfort i was allowed

threads pulled loose, silken fabric stained
she has known the sewing needle
like i have known the surgery knife, afraid

i am afraid to love you
because my need reduces the loved
to something ragged
seventeen years, a hundred washes
graying fabric
half a dozen holes

i am afraid to love you
and i do not wish to see
your threads come loose
because of me

my veins are on fire
my blood is straight whiskey
you were an alcoholic prior,
and i know you like it risky

succumbing to the temptation of pain
hand me a sacred image
and i'll turn it into a game
never a love i had to hide either,
never had a love for the theatres