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~

her smile...
’tis the thinnest veil
o'er a razor's edge,
it can ne’er conceal
her bleeding heart;
for it is not
in well lit fables,
in clichéd phrases
or muttered answers trite,
that the flame
of life burns best,
but in the gritty spaces,
between the rocks
and hardened places,
in bruising shades
of blacks and blues,
when it's tongue
of fire
shines brightest;
it is here
the pinpoint light
points deftly to
reveal its sight,
the truth it bares
to spite the stares
from dusk to dawn
slowly, surely,
ever so
devours the night.

~

post script.

*grief, like a wound that needs the air to breathe, the light to heal, if allowed to run a course of its own accord is indeed a gift, it will right the soul; but when it is not permitted, when it is relegated to only the space and time that others choose for their own comfort, it becomes a festering sore, a cancerous mess, eventually an ugly sight.  it is with great sadness that i say, our culture does little to help the grieving, asking these to suffer in silence, to hide in the shadows.  i am still learning to weep... to grieve well.  and, i have faith... knowing that one day mourning will turn to dancing!
I will see you in the field of days
in the blue or grey of thundering storms
though wild rivers change course
and I lose ground, you steadfast remain
you are the rousing dawn of birdsong
the silver sun of white light flashing
you are the wind, a whisper, a kiss
upon my face, that lifts my sullen eyes
all the tears, your infinite ocean washes away
and I am left upon the shore, where only love remains
I took my heart
and tore it
in punishment and scorn
I squeezed the lump
and swore it
must never be forlorn
now my soul is bleeding
from the nails I jabbed straight in
and all my roses bruising
from no more than selfish sin
I am my own worst enemy most of the time
I could get use to
The sound of your sweet, sensual, mesmerizing voice swirling in my head
Getting to know what we feel and want without a word being said
Forking on the table then tightly wrapping my arms around you while spooning in bed

I could get use to
Holding your hand listening to a bird symphony as the setting sun colors the sky
Massaging your mind, rubbing your back, rubbing your low and rubbing you high
Making crazy love to you till the neighbors hear your passionate cry

I could get use to
Opening the book, seeing your face, reading your messages and entering your daily chat
Admiring your beauty night and day, imagining you in nothing but stilettos and cute hat
Playing with your pets, throwing your dog a bone and stroking your ***** cat

I could get use to
Cooking you a special dish and treat and tickling your taste buds with my special honey
Sharing our feelings, dreams and fluids making us giddy, lucid and dizzy
Hovering in your head, swimming in your soul and bewildering your body

I could get use to
Playing board games with you, especially the one that we lay out on the floor
Letting you win, giving you the needed power to say more, more, more
Learning new things, the kind I can’t speak of but will show behind a closed door
Her mind
was a universe
of  juxtaposition...
  
love  hate               heaven  hell
peace    war
  passion  apathy       beauty  ugliness          
fantasty reality
happiness        melancholy
freedom captivity     strength weakness
innocence and guilt

It travelled back and forth
and
sometimes
her albatross was a
perpetual quest for balance
but
other times she was certain
she wouldn't want it
any other way.
I’m so afraid to tell her I love her
so I only do it when I’m drunk,
or we’re drunk together
and still the words nervously tremble
they shake like orange leaves in autumn
and the wind doesn’t carry them
they just fall, quietly and unnoticed
becoming just a nuisance
to later be packed
into black plastic bags
and thrown to the curb.
All the while, all the ****** while,
she stood there, waiting for me
to unlock the gate in the wall
But I was the fool, you see, 
to think I held the key
For all the while,
the prisoner
  was me, 
not she
I'm terrified of becoming like this air vent
Cold, rational and controlled by a panel
I want to decide when I turn on and off
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