I'm not BABE
or *******
or PRINCESS
I'm not the names you throw at me from your car window
I'm not HONEY
or SWEETIE
or LOOK AT ME WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU *****
Harassment. A 10 letter word with thousands of synonyms
each one like a knife to my skin
each one a scar I can point to and show
"this is where I stopped trusting"
and
"this is when I started running"
Never was I prepared for a life where Im told to be timid
To shrink myself down
To be humble so that men aren't threatened
To never speak my mind and to laugh at everything he says
To always carry my keys in my hand like they are a weapon
To never show my skin and that its my fault if I'm taken advantage of because "boys will be boys"
We live in a world where the female body is fetishized
Where women are seen as "liars" if they wear makeup and "lazy" when they don't
Where girls in school are being removed from class because their tank top straps aren't three fingers wide as if making sure that men are comfortable is more important than an education.
The overarching misogyny that plagues women everyday
That makes them see themselves as the "second class ***" will always be apparent
Unless we make a change.
So no
I will not SMILE
or BE NICE
I will tear
And destroy
And break
And smash
I will fight.

Everything that happens to me feels distant now.Like I'm having an out of body experience Where I'm standing 20 feet away from myself and no matter how hard I run the distance stays the same. I am emotionless. Cold. A palette of blacks and greys. Nothing feels the same. I remember the night you told me she was dying. I remember the way my heart stopped beating. How it hasn't beat since. Everyday is a game of Russian roulette but instead of the gun aimed at an opponent its aimed at me.
Click.
You know that saying
Click.
That you never realize what you have
Click.  
Until its gone
Click.
I've finally figured it out
Bang.

I remember when we first met
The Florida sun was beating onto the blacktop and my hair was plastered to my forehead but when I saw you my body turned to ice
They say love at first sight is nothing but a myth
Its for people who are shallow
But when our eyes connected, I could feel it
I fell in love with you instantly
The way your eyes were squinting against the sun and the way your hands looked soft but rough at the same time and the way you smiled like everything was going to be alright
We talked for hours each day that summer
You'd call me at 4 AM and I'd answer on the second ring because I could never keep you waiting
You would tell me about your family, how your mom isn't the same since your dad died and how she just sits on the couch most nights staring at the blank tv screen
Do you remember when you told me how you'd never say goodbye because it held too much finality, like the person was never coming back?
Love doesn't last, I know that now
Because after all those nights we spent laying in my backyard and all that talk about running away together
The last time I saw you it held some sort of finality. Maybe it was just the look in your eyes
Or maybe it was the way you said goodbye

someone sprayed cologne today in class and it smelled like you 
it brought back all those memories of that abandoned house two streets over where you stole my first kiss
and my second 
and my third
I felt nothing while your lips moved against mine 
not a spark or a flare 
all I felt was the rain sliding off my eyelashes and wind whipping my hair across my forehead 
But you were everywhere 
Your hands traveled down my back and across my arms and face and neck 
To be frank the kiss wasn't the best 
It was wet and rushed and mixed with the nervous beating of my heart 
And no I didn't like you 
No I never wanted to be your girlfriend 
I heard all those stories about you and your ways 
I just liked the feeling of being wanted and adored 
And how you kept my hands warm 
And yes I know that makes me a bad person 
But so are you 
But I know how to change 
I can't say the same for you

My throat is closing in and I can feel you on my skin and its like you never left me here to rot 
The wind feels like your breath on my cheek and it carries with it your voice softly calling out my name and its ringing in my ears 
And I'm sure 5 years in the future I'll remember you fondly. the way you spoke and how your nails felt clawing down my back 
I won't remember how my hands shook when you told me about her or how I cried so hard the night you came by to get the last of your things that i wasnt sure if id ever be able to cry again (i havent) or how you looked at me with pity, like I was nothing more to you than your plaything you got bored with after 16 months 
I'll remember those days we spent curled up on your twin sized bed 
Hudled together so we wouldn't fall off 
How you looked when you slept so peacefully, your chest slowly moving 
How after we'd kiss, your eyes would look like stars. Or when you told me you loved me for the first time 
Does she capture the stars in her own two hands and put them in your eyes like I did? Because I could slowly see them dwindle, their lights getting dimmer. Your eyes stopped shining. Is that what you were looking for? Did you find it in her? 
I wish I couldve been enough