i change the pronouns
in my poetry
from me
to her
and no
do not be mistaken
i am not her
and she is not me
i do not know this lost girl
yet i do understand her

i have dreams of her
she has eyes that scream
with bags sinking beneath
plump with everything
that she
hides
her hair is unkempt and wild
she tells me her only goal
is to finally be as free and wild
as the drooping loops
her skin is porcelain
and i fear that i might drop her
that my rough touch will not soothe
and that she will break

her cracked lips part
and she says her name is
Anjelica
a pretty name
yet seemingly
too clean for the broken doll

bruise is a pretty shade on her
she has red scars
that chase the dip of her back
and
her voice fills any empty room
as though she is
fighting for a place to speak
as though she is
fighting the silence

i walked slowly and uncertainly
to her room
my feet moving out of instinct
dancing along a cobblestone path
with white cherry blossom petals
scattered like my rambling thoughts
i reach her door
and place a shaking hand on the ****
i twist it and pull it open
moving slowly and cautiously
as not to wake her up
but i am afraid that
she looks even more
damaged
when she is asleep
i reach my arm over her
and she stirs
her stained mattress heaves
as though it's carrying
a burden much heavier than she

her eyelids blink open
and her cracked lips part
as she asks if i'm here for cigarettes
i apologize repetitively
quietly
softly
because i am scared of anger
and she says it's okay
and that she understands
but darling i do not think
your mind could comprehend
how i need them
how i need them to breathe
how they are the air that i breathe
how i breathe them much more simply

i leave with the cigarettes
tucked in my dress
a burn in my hand
and i leave
my dear Anjelica behind
to the destruction of her dreams
and i must confess
i am haunted by memories
and i hoped she held the key

i changed the pronouns in my poetry
from me to she
and i swear they are not about me
but i see myself scrawled in the ink

i want to wrap my own hands
around my own waist
like your hands once
circled my hips
as if they were a planet
to orbit

except i want to
dig into my own skin
fingernails scraping ****** ribbons
removing your sweat from my pores
your skin from my skin
your blood from my blood

ill destroy my own body
in order to take it back

One day ,
I want to wake
And feel delighted
     to see a new day come by
feel blessed to be alive
feel hopeful , feel appreciative
and not feel disappointed
     that I have to survive today somehow

One day ,
I want to not want someone's else life
not wish to be in someone else shoe
       wish not to be like someone else
be happy with who I am
and fall in love with the life , I've been given
not to feel the despair and the unknown fear

One day ,
I wish I will accomplish
to love myself the way I am
              to be happy with what I have

One day ,
I hope I get to see that day