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smile flower Feb 2019
thanks, to you who's words comforted me.

thanks, to you who's voice wrapped me up in a warm blanket safe from the world.

thanks, to you who made me laugh during sleepless nights.

thanks, to you who showed me that it's okay not to be perfect.

thanks, to you who I have never met.
today wasnt great, but I smiled once I heard your voice.
  Feb 2019 smile flower
Joliver
If there was one word
One word, isolated by itself
That I cannot stand above all others
It would have to be "Okay"
I despise "Okay"
"Okay"
Is how your millionth day at work went
"Okay"
Is off-brand raisin bran
"Okay"
Is how you say life is going
When you don't want to admit you spend
Every second of it
Wanting to die

"Okay"
Is packed to the brim with
Hidden implications
Like a treasure chest
Filled with bottles
With little subliminal hatreds
Written on tiny slips of paper
Passively aggressively pushed inside
To discover later
As I pull out a treasure map
And try to decipher
Where I went wrong

"Okay"
Is a one word dismissal
That feels like an essay a thousand pages long
"Okay"
Is a poison dripping with disinterest
When I dared to share with you
Something I thought might make you smile
"Okay"
Is like trying to talk to a wall
While watching the paint on it dry
"Okay"
Takes two seconds to write
Yet I waited days
For that dreaded word
To grace my notifications
"Okay"
Should be used sparingly
As if each time you send it
You **** the receiver just a little bit
"Okay"
Should not be said so often that
I know what you're about to say
Like I saw it in a crystal ball
"Okay"
Is not looking up from your phone
When I tell you about my day
"Okay"
Is not the proper response
To "I love you"

They say that the opposite of love isn't hatred
It's indifference
And I can't think of a response
More indifferent to pouring out
My heart into your hands
Than "Okay"
At least the last thing you said to me
Before we parted ways
Showed that you cared
At least a little bit
"I hate you"
Stung less
Than the thousands of times
Over our countless conversations
You responded
"Okay"
Okay?
smile flower Feb 2019
Instagram, nothing.

snapchat, nothing.

Twitter, nothing.

I sit in bed, alone for the 100th day. alone.
I just woke from my sleep and deleted all my social media. I'm tired of feeling ignored.
smile flower Feb 2019
I feel like I'm taking attention away from him. attention I know teenagers so desperately need at the age of 15, he says it's okay. but I know its not.

at the age of 17 I am being treated as if I will break at any moment. my brother who is only 15 puts me in a safe spot along with all the other delicate things in our home, right next to my mothers good china.

at the age of 14 my brother witnessed my first suicide attempt. he held me in his arms *** my mother tried to make me throw up. at the age of 14 he almost lost his sister.

so when I start smiling less and caring about myself less he notices, and attempts to make me laugh. all I do is give him a weak smile.

the smile he had on his face when I went to his orchestra concert after isolating myself in my room in autumn, warmed my chest.

a good sister is what I want to be.

someone who will be there and not take anymore of my mothers attention from him.

I want to pay him back for being there for me through all of those dark times, but first I need to learn how to be a good sister.
its 12am and I only ate 8 doritos so please excuse any mistakes or whatever
smile flower Feb 2019
it was.

it truly was.

the birds were chirping

the snow was gone

I was outside with my mom

I wanted to go cry in secret in my room

"are you okay"

one

"are you okay"

two

"are you okay"

three

"are you okay"

four

she's worried about me, but I feel like I'm making all my emotions up in my head

"yeah, I'm just exhausted from school"

I smile and she does too.
I'm trying to change for the better,,,, and writing will hopefully help me.

— The End —