it’s 4 am
and i’m trying to understand how this happened
trying to comprehend the hole u left in me
i feel empty
but so full of pain
i feel
incomplete
like i gave you pieces of me

i let you see me
i let you know me
i let myself trust in this
in you
and in doing that i gave something away
i don’t know exactly what it was but i gave it to you
and now your gone and i don’t know
how to get it back
how to get back what you took from me

i lay here
in the dark early morning
wishing i had a way to let this go
wishing i could pretend again
to say ‘hey! wanna do that one thing?’
and you’d say ‘yea sure!’ and we’d pretend

we can’t pretend anymore

and so what now
and so

i lie here broken

missing a part of myself

missing

you

i spent too long addicted to pain
i still bury myself in it compulsively
too long wanting it

happiness has filled me
slowly pouring in
in the form of you
sickly sweet and incredibly good
in the form of accomplishment
in doing something good
tiny bits of happiness coming from
here here and there
things i didn’t see before
people i didn’t know
like you

pain isn’t cute to me anymore
isn’t poetic even if i lace it through my poems

life is still bitter but constantly reaching for sadness tastes so much worse

happiness isn’t a something you choose but now

its an option

and that’s so much

She was light
Light that colored and filled the room
Her black skin glowed where ever she went
She was the sweetness in people's mouths
Her braids in the sun made an aura around her
Almost like she was an angel
Maybe she was

Her skin was dark
Like the night sky
And it seemed to glitter like the stars seeped into her skin
She was beauty
She was the night
She enveloped me in darkness and showed me a world
From a point of view so clear
I wondered if even mine was skewed
Who was she
A goddess?
Possibly
Her beauty definitely resounded like one

words are not my friends
i lay here trying to connect every feeling in my body to a word
these nebulous clouds of gray
they must connect somewhere in my brain
to words
no?
i focus on the pain in my arms and try to give it a name as it slithers its way through my veins
nameless
i remember that i almost died one day
would words still mean nothing if i was gone and grey
decomposed in the dirt
maybe the words would catch me then
whisper in my ear
there was pain you felt back then
let me explain to you the name of each one
each kind of pain
categorized in a helpful list just for you
do the dead know words in letters that we cannot fathom?
do the rested have their own words in their own hues?
i don’t know but it isn’t worth finding out
even if words are shared with the dead
words are for the living
that doesn’t even need to be said
so for now i lay here still
baking in my own heat
covered in clouds of different colors from my head to my feet
and right now there are no words
and that’s okay
words do not need to be my friends today
we can try again tomorrow or next week
i will always be here
always accepting
never rejecting
waiting for words to crawl to my feet

there is fogginess
and yet i see every particle of air
the pieces that make up that particle
i focus to count
it blurs over again
i can hear the sound of so many things
cars swashing by
wind blowing
leaves rustling
but i can’t pick out the individual
the sound melds
all i can hear is grey

i can feel my mind inside my head
it is whole
it is nothing

What I want has always been abstract
No straight lines all of them blurry
Messy
Faded
Erased, even
What I want has always been something I wasn’t sure of
Something I desperately wanted but couldn’t get a hold of but everything is different now
I hear your voice
And I see your face
And all I want is to follow the line that leads directly to you
The one that takes me to your sweet lips, your beautiful skin,
You
I’ve never been so sure
The line to you is chopped in half
A big blue knife that refuses to pull back
Green and yellow and brown and rust
Everything in between us
The line is confused
It cant find its way
But one day
I will grab a pen
And draw the line myself
I will get where I belong and thats with you
I hope you grab your pen too
Connect our lines
So I can connect our lips
So I can feel your skin underneath my fingertips
So I can finally show you how much I love you
Because the words, they are reliable but they just won’t do
They aren’t enough
They fall short where my hands would not
They lose touch where my lips would kiss
Theres nothing I want more
Theres nothing I wouldn’t do
Just to be with you
The line to you has gaps but it is clear
Thick black line in permanent ink
And I love you
The gaps will disappear
I love you I love I love you