This seems to be reality,
but I just want to be free
from all concern and all the hate
in this world whose doom is fate.
'**** me now,' I thought aloud
silently, not making a sound.
I place on my face of happiness
to shield underneath the emotional mess.
Hiding my pain in my soul,
it eats away, out of control.
I try to smile at all my friends,
but how can I? In the end
we all will face our judgement day.
Shall I bring it closer or shall I stay
here with you, my love, my hope?
But I'm afraid I cannot cope
with any of life's problems.
I'm scared that I am one.
I shake my head and break a fake smile
when you say that I'm a pretty gal.
The truth is, I hate myself
and find it easier to fail than to excel.
Change the subject, don't put it on me.
I'm not the one who likes to be
the center of all attention.
When I speak, you can cut the tension.
When I daydream, I think of the future
and how it grows ever nearer.
When I sleep all I have are nightmares
filled with only horrors and jump scares.
When I awake, I shrug it all off.
"This is normal to me," I scoff.
My failures stare me in the face.
Some things you can never replace.
The joy in my heart has been devoured,
but I have more important things to think of this hour.
Like how I'll **** myself. Is it the right time?
What should I use? Will it all be fine?
Headed to school the very next day.
Mumbling and cursing myself, I say,
"Good morning," and walk to my seat.
With a fraud grin, I stare at my feet.
Again, I wear my mask of happiness.
Thinking of death, I clench my fists.
Soon... very soon. No one knows......
The reality and the everyday thoughts of a suicidal person can be confusing.
Some feel guilty, others are anxious, and some are filled with true happiness.