Its currently Sunday night and meanwhile i should be trying to preserve as much sleep as i can for tomorrows dreadful school day
I am wide awake tossing and turning in this quite uncomfortable bed of mine thinking about him
Whoever he is i can’t seem to get my mind off of him
How could someone spend moments thinking of a person they have no idea exists
Its not even some fantasy dream guy i envision because when i think of this mystery man i don’t think about his image or his age or even who he is.
I envision a boy that is just as poetically beautiful as any poem
He reminds me of the moon on an empty night sky with no stars in sight due to the populated lights that beam the sky
I see a person with so much depth about them and so much worth finding out that it excites me
Although it makes my mind go in loops just trying to imagine who ‘he’ is
I feel some sort of happiness throughout my body
It makes me feel crazy that i can be so obsessed with just a thought
But also makes me wonder that what if this mystery boy is out there
Somewhere in the world having a whole other life
And maybe one day in my future we’ll happen to bump into each other in an unexpected place
Whoever it may be I’m hopping it will be one incredible person to be keeping me up late nights burrowed in my own silly imagination.

Here I am once again trying to preserve as much sleep as I can for the next 4 hours 
Yet I close my eyes and my mind is still awake rushing with thoughts of you 
You used to be just a vision
Just an imagination I thought I would search my life looking for 
But you're real 
Never did I suspect it to be you or for myself to be so infatuated with every single detail about you 
It's weird thinking about a year ago before I even met you I spent nights thinking of you and writing about all the many adventures I'd have 
Although I have found you 
I do not have you 
Now what's the coincidence in that 
Maybe there will many other future "you's" that I wrote about 
But in this moment you are the poetry that runs through my head and flows so smoothly onto paper 
I do hope you are the boy I would speak so beautifully about in my writings 
And that one day fate will bring us together 
Or I hope that person I am suppose to be with is out there waiting for me just to run into him.

I don’t when these feelings started happening
But when I did
They all hit me at once and overwhelmed with to the point where i thought i was going crazy
All my thoughts suddenly became about you
Maybe these feelings were always there
But i was just too naive and ignorant to acknowledge them
You make me feel great about myself in every way i thought wasn’t possible
My heart feels heavy
With all these emotion flowing through my head and onto paper i don’t really know what being sane is
I feel most at peace when i hear your voice
When you ask me how I am and how concerned you actually sound
When you tell me how much you love my laugh making me just want to laugh more
When you purposely like to frustrate me because it makes you laugh
When you randomly throw in compliments to me causing a smile across my face leaving me speechless
Those are the few moment i feel at peace
And just now even writing about you at 2:30 am i find some sort of calmness
You make my head spin
And my heart beat faster
Never did I imagine you coming into my life and making me feel this way
I’ve loved and I’ve lost and I’ve lived through that
But with you or if i was without you
I would simply go insane
Any sudden change makes me go crazy
I feel alive most talking to you
Never have i felt more comfortable with another soul
You get my perspective in life and help me solve my own situations
I have changed because of you
I am more carefree and careful all at the same time
I do hope i meet someone that shows as much compassion towards me
And if i don’t
I hope its because i haven’t met someone new
Because you’ll still be around
And i swear i have never written more
But i just have so much to say when it comes to you
Its always black and white with you
No grey
No in between
And it makes me feel deranged from everything
And thats okay

Lately I’ve been stuck with my thoughts
Which is rare for someone who’s always running out of ink from the many journal entries she has
And with everything going on I would think I would’ve at least written something
But I cant
Nothing comes out and I’m not even sure this counts
Its like my head is going to explode with all the things occurring and no exit for those thoughts to be released
It feels a bit too much
Everything is too much
I’ve had my good days and bad days
But man does it just feel like these days I’m surprised I don’t go crazy and do something stupid
I’m holding it all in
Acting like its all okay when I’m around my friends and family
Its not okay
Nothing is okay
And I’m one who’s a five minutes from now I’ll be okay type person
But I don’t see that happening
I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel
And I’ve gotten in some pretty deep tunnels
I just feel defeated with myself and the universe and whatever other greater force you choose to believe in
It all feels pretend
If I laugh or smile it feels forced or not even natural
I never thought I would be one of those kids
When did things get like this

It’s 3 am and here I am wide awake
So many thoughts going on in my head
And the ones that stand out to me the most are the ones of you
And they’re feelings of curiosity and loneliness
Curios of what could’ve happened if after those five months we did try again and if we never stopped in the first place and if you were not taken by another
And the more I wander what these thoughts could mean I miss you more
And how could I possibly miss you after such a long time
After everything that happened
It’s like every emotion I felt and heart ache I went through meant nothing
Because here I am at 3 am missing you
They do say this is the lonely hour
But God have I never felt more remorseful for allowing things to end even if it wasn’t under my control
Yet at 3 am you are sound asleep in your bed
Probably dreaming of her
Not even one thought of me
And as weird as it
It’s not okay to me

When it comes to you
God I don’t even know where to start
How and why
Those are the only things I know how to say
I feel lifeless
It’s too hard to talk to you
And too hard to not
I’m stuck
I know what I should be doing
But who’s to say I want to
What I want is for things to go right
For me to stop feeling insane and hold on to the small sanity I have
I want answers
I want to stop feeling this way
I just want to know where your head is
Stating the most obvious I want you
But I need to get back to reality
Reality is you’re not mine and I don’t know how to deal with that