looking up looking down
im feeling so lonely
searching for the path nobody showed me
and even when i think that im closer to making it
it feels like a facade
like im faking it
when will i know that what is real and what is true
is that which i accomplished
my satisfaction is overdue
peace be my heart, i scream out loud
i wanna to be free from uncertainty,
I wanna smile i wanna be proud.

you may look at me as you please,
sure of my fulfillment and my success
but strangely enough, while others do this with ease
i don’t have access to these emotions
or perhaps someone just stole my key.

Heart-Pounding,
Beating out of my chest even.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Lips Quivering,
Teeth lightly nibbling the inner lining of my mouth.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Clouded Vision,
Constant tears dripping down my cheek.
Deep breath in, deep breath up.

Hands Trembling,
Objects easily slipping from my grasp.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Unruly Speech,
Unwanted whispers rolling off my tongue.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Limited Oxygen,
Panting heavily in a struggle for air.
Deep breath…

Wait.

Stop.

Think.

Why must we always take a breath?
Why must we be forced to push away our emotions,
Masking them with the habitual action of meditative respiring?
Why must we always breathe in, breathe out?

But are we really disguising our emotions?

Are we not just calming the soul,
Clearing the mind of unwanted thoughts and anxieties?
Are we not just providing ourselves with healing,
Alleviation from the painful memories engulfing the mind?

Yes.

Yes, we are.

So…

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Quiet the pounding of your heart.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Tranquilize the tremulousness of your lips.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Stop the flow of your once never ending stream of tears.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Relax the overactivity of your limbs.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Replace your anxious whispers with peaceful meditations.

Deep breath in, deep breath out,
Rectify your oxygen flow.

Don’t mask your emotions,
Regulate your responsiveness.
Evaluate your situation.
Intelligently weigh your decisions.
Dominate your way of thinking.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

It works.

I promise.

Beauty
Love
Joy
Kindness
Light.
Light was all I was capable of seeing
Never did I shield my eyes from the sun
No.
I surrounded myself with the very essence of light
The glow radiated off of me in such a way that blinded anyone near
Briefly allowing them an escape from the darkness I was unaware of.

Years passed and my lamp still shone brightly
Unafflicted nor affected by the darkness of this world
Until it was.
My eyes were opened
No longer was I squinting at the world through the blinding sun
No.
They were opened
For once I noticed a difference in how society treated my people,
My family
The light flickered
I noticed the prominence of hate and separation
I noticed the way they looked at us and saw how they expected less from me
The flicker ceased
The lights went out
I was surrounded by darkness
The blinds had been lifted from my eyes only to reveal a starless night
For a while, the glow that once encompassed my being was no more
Replaced by a murky mask and a broken spirit
For a while, I couldn't find the light
I was trapped in a closeted pit of sorrow.
It wasn't until much later that I discovered the true identity of this lost light source,
It was my innocence

My innocence had been lost
Snatched up by the hands of discrimination
Stolen by the forces of premeditative thoughts and colonial idealism
I didn’t want it to be, but it was
Gone.
It’s location unknown to all
I had to say goodbye to my sun
I had to mature and grow and learn about the faults of this world
I needed to develop a deeper understanding of the darkness
All the while escaping from its ungiving grasp

Perhaps I could illuminate this gloomy obscurity
Find another light source that could renew my once ever-present glow.
No longer will I be forced to squint through life
Staring into the blinding light of the sun
Nor would I be completely incapable of seeing the luminosity of this world.
No.
It was a tinted light
One that understood the pain of this world while also witnessing its beauty

My sun had been swallowed
But a newly discovered star had been born.

I knock on the door, he says go away
I plead and I beg, let me in, I say
Please let me in
He pushes me astray, telling me to find another home to invade
Stepping aside I reveal one large flowerpot filled to the brim with soil and three blooming flowers
May I at least enrich your garden with my three budding fruits
Reaching out, the homeowner grabs hold of the cylindrical vessel
One by one he looks each flower up and down, examining their brightly captivating colors
Their yellow-like nature shines like gold in the sun
The depth of their cocoa centers contrasting beautifully with those same honey dyed petals.
Looking over into his garden, I see only white flowers.
Though equally beautiful, the unanimous collection lacked the distinction that my prodigies could provide
Awaiting his response, my head falls limply in reverence
Yet I remain confident
A smile gracing my lips.
I was excited to see
Excited to witness the opportunity my blossoms would be given to thrive in a nurturing environment
Yet as my head rose and my eyes lifted,
All reassurance left my face,
My happiness transformed into terror
Before me stood a man seeming ten feet taller and baring the face of a fiend
A wicked smile replaced his pondering expression,
A snicker belt out from his nostrils.
Looking into my eyes, the homeowner spit his words into my face
The saliva causing a sickening chill to run throughout my body
In my heart, his words will forever stay
My God-given soul permanently hardened to stone  
No. They are the wrong color.
A shiver sparking a queasiness in my belly
As are you.

I listen to the sounds of the breeze
I focus deeply upon its hum as it travels through the atmosphere.
It drifts past my ears creating a humanly like voice
I attentively tilt my head.
What that last phase was...I cannot be sure.
Yet I lift my body up attentively and look out into the night.

What is it about you that I like so much?
Truthfully, I’ve forgotten.
Like why WW1 started in the first place
Or what the chemical symbol for iron is on the periodic table.

What does that say about our relationship?
The answer is beyond me.

But much like the chemical symbol for iron and the reasoning behind the first World World,
I can easily find the answer in my brain’s built-in memory box.

Thank you, hippocampus.

However,
One is only able to retrieve a memory or fact that has been taught or revealed to them in the past.  

That being said,
If I truly don’t know why I fell for you
Maybe I never did in the first place.

Now that would make sense.

Feelings or Conceptions?
Emotions or Infatuation?
Love or Curiosity?

Is it wrong for me to question my inclinations?
To question my motives and reasons for loving someone?
Is it wrong for me to wonder whether or not I’m just attracted to one’s sensuality?
Perhaps consumed by their visual enticement—
Whether or not I’m just captivated by the unknown territory teasing me away from the norm?
Possibly seduced by the inexplicable euphoria unattainable by other desirable methods––

I am left confused,
Conflicted,
And in question.