in OUR bed
in the coupe
under the stars
next to the fire i build you
on the desk
on the floor
up against the wall
on the kitchen table
on the hood of my car
in the pouring rain
on the beach
in an elevator
on a rooftop
on a bridge in the park
on a bench
on top of a mountain
in a theater
in the shower
on the dresser
on the sink
on the steps
on a pool table
in a hammock
at halfcourt
on a baseball field
in a hot tub
in the rapids
on a paddle board
on a horse and buggy
dressed as a Viking
on a bear rug
in a furniture store
under the fireworks
in the mancave
in front of mirrors
in a luxury hotel
in a ****** motel
in a castle
on a washing machine
in front of a fireplace
on an airplane
on a bed covered in rose petals,
white, pink and red
at sunrise
at sunset
under a rainbow
under a waterfall
under a full moon
in a tent
on a boat
on a ferris wheel
dressed as a clown
in a limo
in the ocean
in a pool
in a bathroom
on a bar
in a cab
as the ball drops on New Years Eve
at Burning Man
all over the world
for the rest of my life
this is where i want to make
sweet, passionate love to you
I cannot wait to check them off 29

I'm drunk
and I wish you were by my side
but you're not
and that *****
but i'll be ok
I think

How do we reach the end if we are always running away
Scared to death scared to look scared to say
Anything and everything become so mute
Misunderstandings and turning up that's not cute
Running around entertaining yourself for the night
Waking up in the morning to start thinking will I be alright?
The mirror lies while you spit the truth
What's happened next on top of this roof?

Note to self:

- Never love again
- Love is a limited trend
- Never be their friend
- Walk away in the end
- You’ll only get hurt
- Don’t even try to flirt
- Shutter your feelings
- Remember your heart isn't done healing

was it love or open heart surgery?
i think it'll take me years to find the answer
because well
for years you were my answer
and i'm beginning to learn you don't matter
all that much.
it's strange how something so small
can become something so large
and vice versa,
like how you drove my heart
through the brick wall i've been
staring at for too long
how you woke me back up
how you never said i wasn't enough,
how you loved me more than i've
ever seen someone love another,
until i lost you too many times.
all my strings came undone and
my marbles went rolling and
i had this steady voice in my head telling me
something was missing. reality wasn't real anymore.
this is emptiness and i'm learning to embrace it
this is me yelling at the god i don't believe in
this is tracing the remnants of your veins, like
the roadway map i followed to forget us
this is me meeting the day i met you
i'm shaking my soul so violently maybe
i'll shake you from my memories too

I forget its night time where you are,
not morning like me,
because I feel like you're right next to me.

She jots down her feelings into that black journal with the red rose on the faded cover and the spine made out of red yarn to keep it held together. She writes about a boy, and how he has one green eye and one blue. I guess you could say he was a beautiful human being to her. She wanted him more than she had ever wanted anything in her life. She never experienced any touchy touchy feely feely crap, but he had the veiniest arms and it's as if he had the roots of a tree clinging to him. She wanted those hands, those send, around her body. She wanted to kiss his lips to see if he tasted like a hurricane or a tornado, or simply even a raindrop. When you're around her hands get all clammy, her palms are soaked, as if she's holding the ocean in her hands, this is what sweaty palms of nervous love is. She wrote about how his eye was as blue as the ocean she was drowning in after he had gone and how the other was as green as the leaves on the tree she fell from when she first met him. She wrote about how that was the same tree whose roots clung to his arms and when she fell she lost her roots. His lips that she oh so dearly wanted to kiss were as red as the rose whose thorns pricked her heart and made it bleed and hurt every single time it beat. And his blond hair looked to be as yellow as the sun that she could find even on the cloudiest days, where the clouds were thick and the rain pouring but she found shelter being held in his arms. She loved counting the freckles on his face that were as numerous as the night stars. She fell in love with every single detail about him, yet she never saw the way he looked at her. She could paint a perfect picture of him just by memory, making sure every perfect detail was included, but she didn't see herself as beautiful as the boy with the blue eye and the green eye did. She's scared of him though, no matter how beautiful he may be, no matter how much he reminds her of the sun, or the roots of trees clinging to him like cobwebs clinging to her un-kisses okays. She wonders, what if she keeps quiet, what if she won't destroy you, but she's really hoping she doesn't destroy you with her smile, she doesn't want you to look for a way out when you haven't even made your way in. She finds her dad in silverware, as it clatters and falls to the floor, especially knives, dressed in memories, they stab her in the back like he stabbed her mom, he's why she's so scared, her Father up and left without reasoning, she's scared to put her trust in you like she did him. But, she'll find you in scalding water, as she's washing years of giving up off her history book hands... You're that abandoned building with a Danger sign hammered to a white chipped paint door, she's taking a chance and she's going to judge you for what's inside, and hopefully no halloween masks are covering up your heart, making you someone you're not. She's scared of what she will find inside but also knows she can't turn back when she find out. No matter what wires are broken and how unstable the building is she'll take her chances knowing that she very well can die in there but that would be better than dying before exploring the heart of her lover. She takes her adventure to learn more about this mysterious boy to find what lies behind his eyes hoping to glimpse into his heart and soul so she can jot down her discoveries in that journal. So she can see the truth in why those eyes are two different colors and why he never gets too close to anyone that loves him. He's just as scared as going in that abandoned building to find what lies within as she is, but he's even more wary of what he does ready to fled at the first sight of danger, at the first fallen wire he's ready to run but she keeps going trying to dig deeper into the mystery while he just doesn't want to be hurt by the girl with the brown eyes.

Off                   comes my slip, socks, sanity and an echo
Goes                 up my spine.  
The                   men
Film                  my sinking heart  
And                  dive into the  
Filth                  plastered against my mind without a thought  
Of                      what moments define me.
That                  girl who used to wear a  
Shirt                  embroidered with flowers and had a mother  
Making             her a meal with love is now working the  
Room               with what's left of her.
For                    -ward motion depicts nothing
More                 than bones and memories never cherished.