It burns so much to think that his hands touched another girls' the way they touched me
I waited for him and he took advantage of me never being able to say no
and I couldn't smell the cinnamon whiskey on his breath because I was already drowning in it
but he could never touch me unless he threw a few back

For some reason i’ve never been able to let you go.
At first I thought it was because i was in love with you.
But when I fell out of love,
you were still tugging at my heart strings
filling my head with the image of us
and sending some nostalgia over at 3am.
And now i realize it’s because i’m terrified of losing my last piece of you,
of me.
*I want you to chose me.

i don't understand it, but i get it
maybe its from lack of self respect.
am i another disposable?
you're the most complex, fascinating human
lots of layers, but i've barely seen the surface
i crave to know you past the flesh.

i can settle for company, false intimacy.
i know im boring and anxious always
but you do mean a lot.
we can go somewhere only we know
see new things together
or something.
i dont know.

your lips spoke the words that have spent so long  slamming against my throat
and for that beautiful moment my whole world clicked
- only to collapse again once i woke up.

Can’t help but wonder if i'm just something to do when there’s nothing to do,
when there’s so much to do that I just come back to you*

My skin is not perfect but it is mine
and it is yours to touch and kiss and lick
and love
I am not flawless, but my flaws are yours

Told you how when you left you took away my shine
and nothing feels right now that youre not mine
and you said *i miss you
but i know youre doing just fine

Can we start over?
Can we become strangers again?
Let me introduce myself
And relearn the things we already know
And create new memories
And give each other another chance

10 years of finger nail biting
5 years spent hating myself
4 years of self harming
2 years waiting for you to come back
1 and a half years of cigarette smoking

I'll never overcome the worst addiction of all of them

Twitched strings, the clang of metal, beaten drums; dull, shrill, continuous, disquieting. The stealthy dancer comes undulant with cat-like steps that cling. The smile of evil crept between her painted lids, a smile. Motionless, unintelligible, she twines her fingers into mazy lines, the scarves across her fingers twine the while.
One, two, three, four glide forth, and, to and fro, delicately and imperceptibly.
You could hear the seraphs cry in between the swift dessous topped off with a jeté.
The observers watched every move, they have no idea what the young coryphée has in store.
A crimson blade covered her legs during every hypnotizing glide and sway; a matching blade for every female in the assembly, they wouldn't move from their spots on stage. They formed a pentagram with their swords; they were each so beautiful. So mesmerizing for the crowd to be graced with such pure refinement. The lead dancer gave a gesture and that's when it happened.
The girls twirled, gravitated away from their positions. Blood covers the entire floor like the rain falling; drenching the ground, dark red blood seeps into the nice hardwood floor. A body lays dead and bled out. They compiled a dance of death and evil, every pirouette sliced into the already rotted flesh. Slabs of skin thrown across the platform, horrified viewers didn't speak. Gruesome, yet beautiful. They finished and returned to their previous, assigned places of formation and the only sound is that of the maggots eating away at the rotting flesh, swallowing bites at a time adding more to the foul smell of decay.
The eyes burned onto the stage, heat built up. No one said a word; no one knew what they were suppose to say. Is it all an act? It must be, these things don't just happen, right? A few vomited because of the gut wrenching stench that overwhelmed the room.
The dancers eyes never left the floor, she simply bowed and twirled off stage; Her legs were never visible but you could see the foot prints forming behind her, they were made from blood.

You grew flowers in the darkest parts of my heart
And im apologizing now that I'm incapable of accepting them
I can't breathe
I hope that one day you find someone who will water the flowers for you instead of picking them one by one

They'll tickle your spine with their fingers
Scrape their teeth against your neck
Whisper sweet nothings into your ear
Pinch your hips
Laugh in your face
And say
Baby, you didn't mean a thing.

she will be the moon in your sky
and i'll just be a shooting star.
i could never compete

What are you scared of?
Crashing and burning again?
Did you ever reconstruct at all?
You've seen this
Neutral face in the dark listening to the faint whispers start bashing through your skull not knowing what to say back
Oxygen hit your veins they're turning red again
The serpents coming home
Drowning in the dejavu, you've seen this all too many times.

if you were a drug i wouldn't have a sober vein left in my body.

My mother told me you can't fix glass once it's broken
She told me this when she found me locked in my room at the age of 6 trying to fix her vase I knocked over playing ball in the house
She told me you're suppose to get the broom and dust pan and clean it up
Disgaurd it in the trash where it belongs
And that's why I call you an idiot when you say you love me
You're only going to end up with a chest full of shards and a few open gashes
You don't try to mend glass
Onces it's broken you can never fix it completely
No matter how much glue you try to use

Self esteem found in the sheets of his bed
only to diminish again once the whiskey's down
and reality creeps its way back.
He doesn't mean the **** he says
*he just likes the way you look, laying in his bed.

***** you for ever saying you loved me
and for ever making me fall in love with those eyes
the words you spoke at 2am on long summer nights
***** you for ever letting me listen to your heart beat instead of the silence
and for ever kissing me at the park that unforgiving July afternoon

Even though it's not your fault I feel so deeply about you
regardless of the time apart and the dwindling conversation
regardless if over the years I've fallen and fallen out of temporary love
because I craved to fall back into your arms

You may never understand what goes on in my mind to this day when I see think or hear your name
You will never have a clue about the sick feeling  I still get when I talk to you

I wish that over the years I could have moved on so easily and met some other person who made me feel the way you still do

Unfortunately that won't ever happen and neither will we

I measured the miles with the love that I had given to you as my heart traveled mindlessly across the thin telephone wire and countless text messages.
I lost sleep over the thought of being able to touch you one day.
I lose sleep over imagining the feel of your breath across my neck as you held me like I was the only **** thing that mattered to you .
I see you in the midnight stars and in the empty crosswalks and in the scrambled words that litter abandoned buildings
the words are a mess just like my thoughts are whenever I talk to you.
I hear your voice in the back of my head constantly repeating the words i love you
it's like a ******* record that is scratched and it won't stop no matter how many times I try to turn it off.
I heard your laugh ring through my ears until I couldn’t take it anymore.

I'm sorry for taking so long, it was the traffic.
so keep waiting for me—keep waiting, alright?
i’m not far off. I’m only a half hour away from your heart.

Those who the serpent chooses to attack will understand the reasoning as to why the crimson blade calls out our name at night
And why the blood shed is the only way to keep the voices down to a  dull roar opposed to violent screaming
Only those who have faced the demons and monsters which draw us to this powerful addiction won't ask for explanations when things go bad at 3am

We slept, body’s twined together
fingers tangled
legs knotted
your breath filled my lungs
and mine filled yours
in sleep, we were unbreakable
The days pain could find no cracks to linger in between our pressed flesh

He said
"You're independent and its kind of scary, i want you to need me
I want you to want me
You're so cold
Why can't I slide in,
Mentally, physically, emotionally"

"Because his finger prints are still on my body
The warmth of his breath is still on my neck
The only thing missing is the hickey on my chest"

I'm a little drunk  right now
drowned the butterflies you gave me with whiskey
the alcohol isn't numbing away my feelings towards you
Nothing left to do
besides drink until I have the courage
to tell you all the things that are past overdue
I'm drunk enough to blame it if you don't want me
And drunk enough to pretend I've forgoten in the morning

Its pathetic, really
Love, lust, longing and all
Allowing someone to invade your mind
Creeping into your soul
Every thought you have involving them
Those stupid butterflies and goofy grins
All for what?
Wasted time?
What's the point?
We aren't really sure in the end.
It was beautiful at first  
Until realization kicks in
The truth starts to hit.
Your name isn't  relevant to them
Yet the nostalgic feeling of what once was refuses to leave
You know you should let go
But that glimmer of hope that once day they will love you again keeps you dreaming.
So foolish.
Yet so addicting.

i have tried more than enough methods to remove you from my system but they were all useless
i cant destroy you inside me without destroying myself completely.

i can’t decide if i’m okay with the way you stay on my mind
all the time or if it really bothers me because
you’re wonderful to think about
but awful to consider
the best part is that you have no idea
or maybe you do and i am the one left clueless and in awe of your kind face
sometimes i’m underwater
and you’re my surface
and other times you’re the water that fills my lungs so fatally well
because sometimes i think we’re on the right track
and others i fight the upward battle
and sweetheart
i’m losing

I let him touch me for the first time last night

And for a minute it felt like you had come home.

you cant just avoid me and use me for your own pleasure
then tell me you miss me knowing id extend to desperate measures
just to make you mine again and bring us back to january
when i was your sanctuary
but now the image of us is nothing but imaginary

knotted hair, an empty, cigarette stained smile, lost in denial.

I've come to realize those feelings were not love
It was a 6 month attachment
To the late night conversations
Lingering hugs
And waves of your scent
The "I love you"'s
And "baby, I need you"'s
I just craved your affection
And fed off your passion
Love hungry and selfish
That's all I was to you.

I'm sorry I made you love me
And for the sake of your heart I would take it all back
Every word falsely spoken
Every kiss of poison I gave to you
Every last second of us I would take back
Instead of 6 months of wasted time

i want our story to be that we were so crafted for each other
that when a heavy rain of feelings poured through our umbrellas
both of us were soaked, falling for each other like a summer storm.

you were the rain, always falling when you weren't suppose to
i watched you wash away smiles and flood entire parades
like the rain you kept me indoors,
you were never really my type of weather

I was never anyone's first choice,
Or second. Or third.  
But eventually down the line I was a choice. Whether it be for a few weeks or just a night, sometimes I was relevant.
I was relevant to different guys. Different times. Different nights.
I was never as relevant to them as they were to me.
He was older, approximately 4 years. I was a freshman in high school, no one trusted my decisions and everyone doubted my mindset.  I knew what was going on.  I fell in love.  He is the most mysterious human I've ever had the privilege of spending my summer with.  He sets the bar high and no one has reached it.  He forever has  his own place in my heart. Oddly enough, two years later he's still the one.
He was self destructive.  I liked him a lot because he was happy but also screaming for help.  He was lost and love was his map. He used others as medicine and when he didn't have that medicine he would panic, I would be his off switch.  He kissed me for the first time at a rock concert.  I stood in his flannel crying and the bittersweet taste of his breathe took mine away. He got admitted into the hospital for a suicide attempt. I waited for 2 months and 3 days for him to come back, he returned with a girlfriend.
He was a drug fiend and I just wanted attention. That line of blow or the next deal always came before me.  Eventually I wanted to be apart of his world.
Pills and pills and pills
that was my summer rhythm.  Day in day out, blow and lies.  I dealt with it at first for the love, and then exchanged it for a line.
He was by far the hardest person to love, and I enjoyed it. Drugs and liquor and blurred out nights. Cigarette smoke infused in his clothes and ***** in his words. We both ended up in the hospital together and he got admitted into rehab.  It was 5 months until I saw him again after that night. 5 months of putting my life on hold, and then he left me. I let him use me for 6 months after that.  Always on call whenever, because I truly loved him.  I would settle for temporary love that I thought I deserved.

The last thing he said to me was
"We should wait until you're older. I love you." "Don't **** yourself." "You've hurt me for the last time." "I don't ******* know anymore."

Out of all of these experiences and downfalls lessons, there's still one person I can't forget. I wouldn't want to if I could.

It corners you at night
and every time you're alone
It slowly gnaws away any fragment of happiness
you allow yourself to obtain.
it eats every  last shred, until there's nothing left
except pain and eventually death.

I missed you for a long time in too many ways
That it became just another part of me
Engraved deeper into my heart with the passing of time.
I would wake up
stretch, breathe, and miss you.
They told me to let it go
To let you go
And I would say:
You cannot simply will your heart to stop beating
That no matter how long you hold your breath for
You cannot hold it forever
And i could only stop missing you
If I stopped being myself entirely.

But how can I move on
When your fingerprints are still on my heart
And your voice still resonates down to my toes
and that smile still lives in my eyes
And every time my mind wanders it goes to you?

i want to kiss every inch of you
and light a fire deep inside your ribs where your soul sleeps
i want to be what awakens your spirit
what sets your mind free

I've never be able to compose my thoughts or feelings before my eyes, but if I could I'd assume it'd go a little like this.  

Its the kind of thing that will leave you wide awake, unable to sleep at 12am.
Your voice.
It provoked a feeling of warmth.   With that voice, my deepest doubts were silenced.
You are a work of art.
Intriguing and unique.
I am infatuated,
With this masterpiece I see.

And again i lay in bed.
It seems I cannot drift to sleep.
Its been happening more lately.
Countless thoughts racing.
With a mind like a highway.  
Its 12:02am and I'm listening to songs that remind me of you.
Every lyric shoots Into me like a bullet with your name on it.

I've always noticed the way your face creased when you smiled so perfectly.
Wondering if I was ever the cause of it.  
My cheeks flushed when you looked at me
I knew that much.

There's something about you in those moments of subtle bliss
Your body is alive,
There's a light in your eyes
Something that makes me happy.

Its a weird sensation like this,
But its pretty awesome that we can feel this way about another human being.

The darkness where the serpent lurks attracts me
Crimson blades calling out my name
I'm just letting my veins get some air, they're looking blue

im sorry i cannot paint you extravagant pictures
because the beautiful things in my head
cannot be translated.

im sorry i cannot write you wonderful love letters
because  my mind races too fast when i think of you
i couldnt jot the thoughts down fast enough.

i cant do anything that would be worth your humor
but i can promise to stand by you for however long you need me to
i will be whatever you want need, girlfriend, friend, or gone with the wind
as long as you keep that beautiful smile on your face that warms me within.

why must you ache inside?
praying for someone to come along
to stay up with you until three in the morning
and listen attentively as you list your worries and passions
and burdens, to be envious of your attention
and hold you close without judgment
to be there with you when you're feeling most alone
to assure you everything will soon be okay once you forgive
and remind you that every sunrise and crashing wave is a chance to make things right.

you must realize that no one will be waiting there with open arms
ready to replenish every empty space in your heart.

no one will see you perfect, especially with those crooked teeth that you hate so much.

We are all kisses and touches
all lust and no words
The poetry in our veins all remains unwritten
for we are all bites and scratches
Tell me where the lines we've drawn must meet
Tell me if this love will ceaselessly walk the ways
of earth ten years from now

I keep on reminding you that inevitably
these strings inside of us will break
and we may not be able to
play the same melodies ever again

I have never met a person that could make me feel so empty
Yet so full of life all at once
And it scares me to think you are not a constant in my life
But I cannot get enough of you

Sadly, you are the sun
And I am the moon
We can never really be one.

It is a curse
To feel everything
So deeply

Inevidently, I should have realized that I couldn't swim
After nearly drowning time and time again
No life preserver
Just the cold, unforgiving  waves crashing over me
I can only hold my breath for so long

You will meet a boy and the color of his eyes will remind you of poetry.*
I loved him, purely, and unconditionally
But there’s nothing beautiful about the bruises his hands left
Or the acid in his voice that singed my temples .
There’s nothing beautiful about self destruction
There’s nothing beautiful about sleepless nights just to make your body experience deprivation
There's nothing beautiful about the stomach full of pills that replaced the well balanced meal
There's nothing beautiful about loving a narcissist.
I used to be okay with the seemingly never-ending pain of loving someone who couldn't reciprocate
I was no better than a kicked dog
Limping back with my tail between my legs, seeking a gentle touch
I spit idea of you out and the aftertaste was just as bad
You were a cascade of of destruction and i was a thrill seeker

it blows my mind to even think that after we are both gone, no one will remember our special moments
no one will be around to tell the story of our first kiss that opened my wounds and healed them*

lets lay in the grass when the light goes dim
lets have a good time by laughing the seconds away
lets sit close so that nothing can break us
and let the night swift its way

lets sit hand in hand
promising to each other
that to the day we give way
we will never let go

The path of this waterfall is abruptly misdirected by the boulders that have been placed throughout her destination
Where is she going ? She's crashing, her smooth flow is screaming because of these obstacles that she slithers and forms around, she still has a place to be
She flows until she can't anymore; what determines her arrival ? Where does the water lead once it falls? Where is she going? She doesn't know but she keeps flowing
She's screaming and no one can make out what she's saying because she's crying violently and that pain flows past them
they just hear her noise as a faint distraction in the distance because they cant stop and open their ears to actually listen
Appreciate the beauty because it always comes with pain
And her pain is aspiration to flow throughout the day
I'm watching these rocks, her water smashes against them violently she wants them to move but she's not dense enough to push them out of her way and they can't move because their placement too has a purpose that is meant to guide her away but instead she keeps heading in her straight shoot path, she's just adapted to avoiding the misconception
I can see the way these rocks have manipulated her path, im watching, and parts of her flow to a dead end
the water is still and the forces used to keep her pushing through has worked against her to interrupt her journey but she's fighting through and she's battling to get to where she needs to be
She doesn't know where, it's clear to see but she knows she needs to get somewhere and although parts of her have been abandoned and have settled and stopped rushing she aches to keep going and that determination keeps her flowing

Your eyes say a lot about who you are beneath your guarded surface if the right one is looking
The nights spent aching over a deminished love, tossing and turning, holes in your heart burning
The pain you hide so well is revealed  when they take a good look into your dull eyes
The circles from the sleepless nights that your makeup won't cover, they will know and they will love you
They will understand the secrets your eyes have vaguely told and they won't speak a word about it

I put the cigarette to my lips
Inhaled deep
I felt the smoke invade my lungs
I knew it would **** me over time

I put the bottle to my lips
Poured it down my throat
I felt the alcohol settle in my empty stomach
I knew it would **** me without moderation

I craved to put your lips to mine
All worries put aside
To feel your hands intertwine in mine
This is killing me now

I want to kiss you
a deep kiss showing my passion is true

I like expressing my
feelings towards you
I dont know if you actually give a ****
And dont care if you do or not but thats how bad you got my heart

You are a novel that I crave to read
I want to memorize every page
Read you over and over again
In hopes that one day I can appear in your lovely story again