This is not a love poem
this is an I love you do you love me like
I love you poem
do you know me like
you think you do poem
this is a would you be disappointed
if you did poem
an I have been feeling the chilling of the air
and I cant tell if it is just the fault of the season
or if you, too, are cooling
whatever heat you had for me
browning and falling and
crumbling between my fingers
like the leaves of these oak trees
in november poem
a what would I need to do to keep us warm poem
and this is also
an I may be completely mistaken poem
an it was seventy degrees today poem
this is a show me I am completely mistaken poem

Sometimes I wonder
All the time actually
   if it's bad that I think about things like this

You've given me very few reasons to feel
Any way that isn't bliss
   but I still find myself questioning
   things I shouldn't think

I ask myself
What it means to
Be In Love
   because in the end
   isn't it just a word?
   even though I know it's a feeling too.

I ask myself
   why do I always put you first?
   and forget about myself
Because I'm good at blending in
I'm good at conforming
   to avoid conflict
   and make myself more likeable

In the end,
I'm not outstanding.
I'm not really funny
                    or interesting
                    or unique
I'm not really very pretty either.

So is that why I conform?
To be what I imagine you want
Because I'm afraid of losing you
   even though you've never given me a reason
   to believe that you'd leave me
   if I were anything but myself

Is it really Love
If I ask these questions?

Will I ever find an exact match?
Someone who thinks like me
    or act as I'd expect?
Because my expectations are unrealistically high
So I'd never find someone better, right?

I blame the movies.

You know those nights?
The ones when you’re driving alone in the car and the radios playing old songs like
               “Dust in the Wind”, Kansas
               “Come Away with Me”, Norah Jones
You know, those ones?

and there’s this feeling of loneliness
                                             sadness
                                             emptiness
but they aren’t bad—
Just Comforting
it reminds you of a rainy day

as you drive you can see into the windows of the houses you pass
they stand out against the pitch blackness
    the smothering darkness
    the wool blanket that covers your head when you’re cold

stars shine soulless white
which contrasts with how you feel
but it’s nice

and you know you can’t touch it
you can hardly imagine its vastness
                                           its endlessness
                                           its infinity
all you can do is ponder
    ponder the midnight navy blue sky
    ponder the peculiar comforting houses and what they do inside

Do they laugh?
Maybe they're watching your favorite TV program?
a child could be crying, or trying to stifle laugh
    Maybe their mother is asleep?
    or baby brother?
Perhaps no ones home?
they just forgot to turn off the lights

You will never know
Although you can ponder
                                 dream
                                 imagine
                                 wonder
                                 think
and you want to go inside

Perhaps... its best to keep driving

God. How am I still not okay?

God. It's been so long.

God. I'm so tired of life right now.

God. What happened to me?

I was such a nice kid.
I was calm all the time.
Mature for my age,
Little but so lively.

I was so helpful.
So loyal.
I always supported my trust.
But I never really spoke my mind.

I was shy.
I was small.
I never stood up for my feelings
I never stood up for myself.

And now I'm older.
I realize I don't need support.
I need myself.
I need confidence.

Speaking your mind is not wrong.
Standing up for your feelings isn't rude.
Standing up for yourself isn't mean.
Saying what you feel doesn't make you imperfect.

No one's perfect. Not even them.
The ones you hate for being so amazing.
Maybe she has anxiety.
Maybe his mom is alcoholic.

No one has a perfect life.
There's not one perfect family in the world.
There is not a person in the world who's perfect.
There's not a person who doesn't have one bit of strife.

But just because you aren't perfect.
Doesn't make you less worth it.
You're amazing.
You're still charming, kind, and strong.

You're just more experienced.
You just understand some more things now.

And maybe, just maybe,
You just aren't as shy anymore.

He said he couldn’t believe he was flying
He said that it was the best feeling ever
He said my breath on his face was exhilarating
He said my golden hair had never been so within his grasp
He said my radiance would leave his cheeks redder than before
He said he wanted to hold me in his hands
He said look father I can almost touch her
He said he would never again be able to stand on solid ground
He said or forget seeing my face this close
He said Don’t worry father, I’ll be fine
He said Just a little higher

I remember his father’s face
I remember seeing his feathers fall off one by one
I remember him slipping through my fingertips
I remember the splash
I remember a beautiful girl,
crying on the beach
I remember her calling out his name
I remember her hair behind her:
As she jumped after him, off a cliff
I have been waiting a millennium, to forget
I would have liked to catch him
It would have only scorched him worse

Welp
You did it.
You made me cry.

It’s been so long too
    so long
I was doing alright —
    shoving stuff down
    because thats what im good at

But this uncorked a whole bottle
    of my Grade A Premium Tears—
    youre welcome by the way
    theyre nice and aged
    i know its your favorite drink

I wonder if you even know—
That you made me cry...
and if you do, then are you gonna apologize?
    because ive got stuff to do
    that wasnt just an excuse
        So... I mean, that wasn’t really called for.

I wonder how long you’ll take
This time.
    its never been that long before
    itd take longer if it was genuine
You’re good at saying sorry but you never mean it.
    youre like the opposite of my last one

Usually it’s, “I’m sorry, I love you, I know I’m a ****.”
And I say, “It’s ok, you are but I love you anyways.” —
    because for some reason i do
    i dont know why
    i probably shouldn’t, you really are an ***
    but like... youre hot
    and im *****
        So—
        I’m 95% sure I do love you.

I wonder if it’s you who made me mean?
    or if it was them
    theyre ***** too
Maybe I was always mean, and you brought it out—
    i wouldnt be surprised
    i can be a *****
        That’s why this is a problem anyways.

I do know
You made me cry
It’s been so long.