I've been avoiding this. Writing about you that is. I've been avoiding it because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain the complexities that were us and I don't know how to use the word us without making it sound like we were a pair because we weren't and I don't know how to talk about how much I love you without making it sound like I'm in love with you. I have this urge to write about the way your eyes burned through my soul and the way you stuttered when you were drunk and the way I was the only person you ever told about your night terrors but I can't do that without making it seem like more than it really is. Still to this day when that song comes on in the car I turn it up and roll the windows down and sing the lyrics the way you used to and still to this day there are certain things I don't do or say because I know it triggered the flashbacks in your mind but you aren't here so it doesn't matter it's just me not letting myself believe you're really so far away. I grew to discover parts of you you hadn't even discovered yourself and I opened doors within your heart that someone else had locked and hidden away the key. I trusted you. No, I still trust you. You're just so far away and all I can think about is how one hug from you would make all of this insanity evaporate for a few seconds but I can't just get on a plane and leave just to be near you and as I'm typing that I realize it's false because that's exactly what you did with me and I wouldn't even be here if you hadn't. I love you and I love us but I can't keep calling you at three am and you can't keep calling me at midnight so we can cry on the phone together unless there's some way for me to be in your arms again with you whispering how it's okay in my ear and unless you'll be here to stop me from punching a hole in a wall when I'm angry by showing me the scars on your own knuckles from doing the same, unless these things can happen I have to stop trying to ignore my urge to write about you and I have to find a way to stop standing at the top of the staircase expecting you to be there waiting for me every single morning because all I'm doing is killing myself by waiting for you one piece at a time. C.a.l

When you yourself suffer with depression you think it's awful. You feel worthless and numb and absolutely any other possible emotion you could think of. Everything and nothing all at once. It cripples you and leaves you stranded in the middle of an open abyss with nothing but your thoughts and dreams of someday being happy but when someone you love is depressed it reveals a whole new level of just how demonic of a disease it is. When the person you care about more than anything and who has saved you yourself from the wraths of suicidal thoughts is calling you and asking you for help you see how truly horrible it can be. As her voice cracks and you can physically hear the pain behind every word it rips your heart out and tosses it off of a cliff and laughs as you watch her crumble before you and all you can do is pray that she can find an ounce of strength left in her body not to do this. Not to let the depression win again because she's always been the strong one, the one to take care of you, but now that the roles are reversed you realize there's nothing you can do and you feel again like your stranded only this time it's behind a clear sheet of glass and on the other side she's standing there surrounded by physical versions of all of the demons in her head, some of which you didn't even know could exist within someone that beautiful, and she's staring at you, eyes pleading and spilling with tears as the demons surround her every movement all you can do is watch. You watch and hope to anyone or anything that may exist with the power to save her to please just do something because as she's being dragged to the ground you think maybe if you tear into your own veins deeps enough and release your own demons that hers will be distracted by the mass amounts of blood and sorrows covering the floor in front of you and even if she only gets away for five minutes, gets to breathe and not scream into nothingness for five minutes, it's worth it because you love her so ******* much that you would risk anything, even liters of your own blood and rooms full of your own monsters living deep in your soul that it would be worth it. C.a.l

A present with the label simply saying "who you used to be"  filled with old photographs of you being truly happy

A gift bag filled with letters from your old self begging you to stop trying to fix everything and just live

Boxes upon boxes of videos of you screaming into an empty room asking yourself why the ******* let it get that far

People mailing you Christmas cards filled with their most sincere apologies and condolences addressed to everyone but you

Getting red roses smothered with black paint instead of poinsettias mailed to your door step with a note attached that reads "how could you be so ******* selfish"

Looking into the mirror fixing your makeup for Christmas dinner only to see your mother in the reflection attempting to smear concealer over the smudged mascara on her cheeks while whispering your name

Trying to scrub the red wine stains out of your bedroom floor before realizing its your blood

Attempting to turn down the music or at least change the song just too see a preacher standing over your forever home blessing your soul

Calling 911 and begging them to save you from this building you're trapped in that's engulfed in flames but the other end of the line is nothing but shrieks as the operator recognizes your name from the obituary two weeks ago

C.a.l

When you see other couples sitting in the same coffee shop in which you met him does it tear you apart? Do you look at them holding hands and laughing and want to run over and slap them both and tell them it isn't real? That none of this **** we call love is real. He will leave because she isn't ready to settle down and then he will be calling her when he's forty years old and asking why she wanted to break into that abandoned building so badly but she'll say honey I've got to call you back my five children I didn't want are on their way to school and I've got to hurry to go to my office job because I never pursued to artistic career you always wished I would. Do you want to take their life and throw it in their face and tell her to flush the promise ring along with the rest of her life because after you love someone as deeply as she does him you're ****** for life. They leave and you spend the next seventy years wondering if their voicemail is still dedicated to you. You see the way their eyes glow and their gradient smiles filled with laughter bounce off the walls and you miss every piece of him so much but you never say anything. Instead you go sit in your car and record a voicemail to yourself pretending as if he'll hear it in the morning and maybe have the same gradient smile or vibrant eyes that he did so many years ago. C.a.l

I KNOW LOVE AND INTIMACY ARENT TWO IN THE SAME BY DICTIONARY DEFINITION BUT WHEN IM STARING INTO HIS EYES AND SEEING YOUR REFLECTION I CANT HELP BUT THINK THEY ARE. WHEN IM BITING ONTO HIS SHOULDER MUFFLING MY MOANS BUT I DONT HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM AFTERWARDS IT WASNT BECAUSE I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF BUT RATHER THAT I COULDN'T KEEP FROM MOANING YOUR NAME FOLLOWED BY A STRING OF SCRAMBLED WORDS ALL FORMED BY THE SAME LETTERS USED TO SPELL I LOVE YOU I CANT IMAGINE A PLACE WHERE INTIMACY AND LOVE ARENT DIRECTLY RELATED BECAUSE IT IS ******* IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE INTIMATE WITH SOMEBODY REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH I DRINK AND HOW MANY TIMES I SCREAM INTO MIRRORS TELLING MYSELF TO GET OVER YOU WITHOUT IMAGINING YOUR FINGERTIPS TRAVELING THE LENGTH OF MY SPINE INSTEAD OF HIS AND YOUR WORDS SPILLING INTO MY MIND WHILE WE LAY ENTANGLED IN SHEETS THAT ARE SOILED WITH BROKEN MEMORIES AND SHATTERED DREAMS. IF INTIMACY AND LOVE ARENT SECRETLY GLUED TOGETHER WITH YOUR NAME THEN HOPELESSNESS AND DESPERATION MUST BE TIED TOGETHER WITH MINE BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO DESPERATE TO FEEL INTIMACY YET STILL HOPELESSLY CRAVING IT FROM YOU AND YOU ALONE EVEN AFTER IT HAS BEEN PRESENTED TO ME IN A DIAMOND PLATED BOX FILLED WITH LETTERS ATTEMPTING TO MATCH THE ONES YOU USED TO SPEND HOURS WRITING

c.a.l

I can still remember the way I stood shaking and screaming into the mirror clawing at my own skin, trying to make it all stop. Looking into my own eyes and seeing nothing but blurry lines of red and hopeless hands grasping my chest trying to catch my breath because I was getting light headed. I remember stepping into the shower and flinching under the hot water but only then turning it up even hotter and just standing there counting the goosebumps on my arms and the bruises on my thighs and in that moment I went from feeling everything to nothing. My breathing returned to normal and my tears evaporated into the stream of water bouncing off my skin. My heart stopped aching and I stopped scratching my own skin to try and get the feelings of you off of me. I remember how when I got out of the shower I stood again facing the mirror and raised my palm up to my chest simply to make sure my heart was still beating and when I looked into my eyes I didn't see anything. I didn't see fear and I didn't see her and I didn't even see myself. It was as if I was watching my reflection dig my grave as I ran the brush through my hair and dropped flower petals on my casket as I rubbed lotion on my skin. The first time something died in my hands it was myself because of you. You had pushed my heart and soul and willpower to the point of absolute destruction and despair and with that last breathless sob ripped out every piece of me to keep in your pocket as a keep sake. You knew. As soon as you saw me you knew. You knew I wasn't alive anymore but rather a shell of a person put on to keep up appearances and you ******* hated it. You hated that I wasn't seeking your approval or begging you to stop touching me and you hated that I didn't flinch when you said my name. It drove you to lengths I still can't comprehend and left stories I still can't force myself to recollect. The day I left it still drove you crazy that as I hugged you goodbye I didn't smile or cry or even say a word. I hugged you. I limply wrapped my arms around yours and didn't move when you whispered how much I would regret it in my ear. It drove you insane. It's still driving you insane. If only you knew that before I was two miles down the road I started sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe and screamed so loud I scared everyone around me. I just kept screaming your name and asking why and I pulled at my hair and hit over where you had already left bruises and I tried to comprehend how you were even worthy of living. If only you knew that still to this day I flinch when people touch me and cry when I hear the first verse of a certain song. If only you knew that despite the fact the first thing I ever held in my hands and watched die was my own heart, the first thing I watched break itself down into unimaginably small prices was also myself and the entire time while I watched I looked in the mirror at my eyes and screamed your name because it's been years and I'm still not ******* over you and I'm still not alive but I'm not dead either and I'm sitting in the inconceivable purgatory trying to forget the way your hands stung against my skin and your words cut into my soul. C.a.l

Do you remember that night
The way my fingers trailed up your spine
My lips lingering on your collarbone momentarily
Your breathing becoming intensified with every word I spoke

Do you remember that morning
That way your skin glowed
Your lips forming the words "I love you" through the coffee mug
My eyes holding a lackluster apology for anyone to come after me

Do remember a week from that night
The way your muscles tensed under my palms when he called
Your voice shaking as you told me it was no one important
My knuckles turning white as i gripped the steering wheel trying to control myself

Do you remember a month from that night
The way my breathing hitched when there was a knock at 2 am
His eyes lowering as he showed the police badge and began to explain
My body losing all sense of surroundings as I collapsed into him begging him to stop saying the things he was

Do you remember a year from that night
The way my eyes darkened when I saw him across the room
How my breathing intensified as I called his name
When he asked who I was I could only mutter your name mixed in with jumbled sentences of questions as to how he could've laid a hand on you and why isn't he in that jail cell and what the **** do you mean he made bail because no matter how much money is in my pocket you aren't coming back

Do you remember me begging you to stop letting him do this to you
Do you remember me screaming at the top of my lungs after the funeral procession
Do you remember me leaving him a eulogy all his own so far in advance from when he would need it that he stashed it under a pile of letters you had written him that he would never read

Do you remember me loving you
Do you remember him doing everything but loving you
Do you remember how it was never my bed that you stayed in for more than a night.

C.a.l