I wrote a poem about you in my mind.
It was short and snappy and sure to hurt.

Why?

I still love you
and nothing can change that.

I don't want
to keep running from my problems.
I want
to stop getting high every time I feel any form of
guilt
remorse
sadness
anger.

I want to stop whining
and I want to start doing.

I want to think about flowers
and French music
and I want to think about you
but I can't and I hate myself for that.

I hate that I created all my problems
and here you are,
the most lovely human being I've ever met
and you didn't do anything to deserve your problems
and I can't ******* help you with them.
I can't help you with them
because I get high anytime a negative doubt lingers
and I get drunk if I can't sleep
and I cry if I'm out of ***** or dope
and I really really like you and I only want whats best for you
and I want to do everything I can to make you happy.
I want to pick you ten thousand flowers,
all of which will pale in comparison to you,
and I want to write you ten thousand poems,
none of which will be as grand as yours,
and I want to give you ten thousand kisses,
because you deserve them
and ******* it,
I like kissing you.

Above I said that I can't, but I lied.
I can, I will, I am.
I'm getting better

Alcohol, marijuana, and opiates just weren't enough,
I had to breathe deeply and slowly and snort some white dust.
Boy, that did it; rubbed clean my brain, got rid of that rust.
Cause it's get high or bust
and alcohol, marijuana, and opiates just weren't enough.

Now I'm wondering what's left;
a broken promise or three,
I'm sorry I didn't mean it,
but I meant it at the time.
I'm trying my best but I really need some rest.

I'll run away
And live in a fantasy
Where I sleep in the waves of the ocean
I'll rock myself to sleep and hold myself while I cry
I'll wipe my own tears away and tell myself it's okay
I don't need you to do it

In my fantasy
My hair will be dry from the salt
My face will be burnt and marked from the harsh sun
The sand will cake my feet
My skin will be cracked from the heat
And the sky will look at me and think
My what a beauty
I don't need you to tell me that I am

In this world
I am the queen of the wind and sand
I control the ocean and sun
I rule over the moon and stars
You have no power here

But yet here you are
Taking my hand and dragging me down a road I know so well
I'm telling you no
But for some reason
I'm not running away
But walking towards it
Nodding my head and smiling

You slow down for me to keep pace
You're holding open the door asking You ready?
No, I think, I'm not
You're not what I want, I think
My body is in the car
My heart is in the ocean
You're waiting, and you're staring
You call me beautiful as I stare at my paradise
My fantasy

I take a moment to enjoy it
I look at the others who took me away from it
Their skulls smile as if they know what's about to happen
I take a look at you and I can't do it
And I expect you, like the others, to start the car
But instead



You hand me the keys

Shoulders back
Head up
Lips soft
Hair swaying
*******
Waist minimized
Hips squared
Nice ***
Legs long
Feet delicate


She walks with a purpose
with a grace
that leaves boys drooling at her feet

Her peers try to steal them away
she sneaks in though,
stealing all of their gazes.

She never settles,
she only takes the best
and never leaves any for the rest.

All it takes is a smile
and a giggle,
and they come running.

She's smart and funny,
poised and controlled,
loved and lusted for.

How I am envious of her,
she would make me the prize of my town,
but instead she makes me the ***** of the internet.

She has stolen men from their wives,
money from their wallets,
and robbed boys of their lives.

I think that this new one,
could be the one to take me away,
but she knows.

She knows that he is only a toy
and she the cat,
playing with him so carefully.

I will run away when he comes around,
and she will keep him at a safe distance
while I cry over my decisions.

I can't win
Because without her no man will want me,
But with her no man can have me.

Why is it you?
Of all people to have the ability to ruin me
why is it you? Bryan?

You're awkward and too tall
on top unmitigated gall
you're plain rude.

So why do I want you?
Bryan?

In my mind there's a collection
of every time you've shown affection
and

The slightest inclination
only heightens my determination
to trip you.

I want you to fall hard
for me. Bryan.

With every facebooked text
it's been my only request
for the whole year.

Did you notice?
Bryan?

When the smallest appreciation
left my pupils dilated
it's so degrading

When my faith in you is fading
more praise is awaiting
I am stuck in this net.

What's so unfair
is that you're not even aware
of what you do to me.

If I told you, would you love me?
Bryan?

For being being high and
way too cool,
we're sentencing you to
an eternity in hell.*

Down here, they got nothing to sell,
and even if they did, sell it they would not.
I was banished, sent down here to rot,
got a dude shooting up,
staring at me with a lot of snot
dripping from his nose,
nobody is telling him where his little sister goes,
cause if they did, shoot it they would not,
he's the guy with the dope
and dope talks
(and nobody walks).
He gets what he wants when he wants it
and if you were to tell him his little sister
****** your **** for junk you bought from him,
brother I'm afraid you'd never smell roses again.

Not that you would,
there's a terrible lack of pretty things
just poetry, and rap songs to sing.
Knock on wood, cause you got what I don't,
smoke it while you can,
cause I will if you don't.

Oh ****,
I'm bad at rhyming,
please step outside while I prepare a hit
of something strong.
Boy its been too long
since I stuck that needle in my arm.
A ****** in need
is a ****** indeed,
and oh ****,
that's just plagiarism,
you'll let it slide, this ain't ******* journalism,
just keep your mouth shut and believe in my cynicism.
Watch out though, don't get overwhelmed by your egotism,
oh ****, that ain't fair
rhyming ism with ism
but boy, life ain't fair.

My father told me what I had to do,
you gotta think long and hard
about why the sky is blue.
Broken bottles produce glass shards,
all out of junk, better sniff some glue.
When I first started using nobody said it would be this hard,
hell nobody said anything at all. except for you.

Now I'm just desperate searching my vocabulary,
accidentally stuck the needle right through my capillary,
I want blood and money: My Life As A Teenage Mercenary.
Don't worry, they got the good **** down at the apothecary,
make you so high you can fly like a fairy.

I must be bored, nothing I'm saying makes any sense,
no please don't show my sister, she might call me dense,
she'll remove the shrouds, destroy all the pretense.
Robbing my moms purse, scrounging up a few cents.
Hell if I had any sense I'd stop writing now,
call God and return him his crown,
but he's uptown and I'm downtown,
a sad clown
a dad frown
a mad ballgown.

She remind me of a flower.
In that she's pretty and makes me happy.
I want to pick twenty thousand flowers for her
and litter them across her room where they can dry up and get ground into the floor.

Everything takes time
and time takes everything;
Flowers, feelings, people.


I'm not sure why I've been thinking of flowers so often recently.
Perhaps I've been using them as a means to forget you.

No, not forget. I could never forget you.
To take my mind off you.
To take my mind off destructive things
and instead onto something pure
and calm and not sharp