Fell in love when I was 10 years old
Never knew his awesome eyes
Would turn my heart to stone
Making my feelings turn cold
Keeping warmth with my soul
Tired of crying
Hoping he'd pick up the phone
And call me
Tell me he's sorry some more
Cause I deserve that
Nights you'd say "I love you more"
It was worth it
I knew the moment I saw you
You were perfect
In a way only my eyes could see
Cause the moment i looked at you
I knew you felt the same for me

A letter to a distant friend
I don't know if I'll see you again
Sometimes I think of you now and then
The good times way back when
I didn't think it would end
Now life begins
And you seem so far away
But you'll be in my heart everyday
And our memories will never fade

I'm too blessed
And too favored right now
To be in my bed
And not in a jail cell
The Lord heard my plea
He heard my cry
It was remarkable
It could've been more than a ticket
It could've been a mugshot
All over the internet
I could've been in handcuffs
But The Lord saved me
They said they wouldn't tell my job
Cause The Lord saved me
The Lord said that this night will not hender my chances to be someone
And my job on this earth is not over yet
And that I need to cleanse
I need to be clean for a while
I need to be careful for a while
I have to be sensible for a while
Open up my mind to a new found sobriety
I am lost and now I'm starting to see
That everything starts with a dream
Don't ever stop believing
In Jesus name I pray
Amen

Then I wonder what's wrong with that part of society
That wants to follow rather than lead
Inside there's a hollow part of me
That needs to be filled with something Godly
I'm blind
Desperate to see
One day I hope to be as free as the trees
All I have to do is believe

Cried alot when I was little
I still do sometimes now
Had to develop thick skin
To get through life
The only way I know how
By guarding my feelings
And holding it in
Trying not to treat everyday
Like a Monday
Struggling to stay positive
That's why I pray
God hears me and he loves me
More than anyone I know
Even though I can't see his face
His blessings always show
He helps me revive my hope
And believe in tomorrow

In some of my darkest hours you'd show up with flowers and shower me with unconditional love
I thank God for creating a miracle
In a man that has so much good in him that I never thought I'd deserve
Especially after all the lessons I had to learn
Don't give your love away like candy
It will only leave you sour
Just remember your in charge of your own decisions and believe in your inner strength and power

Most of my life those who cared called me emotional
Never understood what that meant till I got older
Reflecting back to when times were colder
Crying for hours in need
Of a shoulder to lean on
Lovers called me weird and needy
Treated me like a klingon
Only wanted one thing
Steady leading me on
A never ending cycle
Of a woman yearning to belong
To a man who loves her
With a heart so strong
Even the demons can't touch him
Turns out he's been there all along

Your mad cause my name is &$@&@!&@@&&!@@!&@$!!!
And I look like this
And I wear fly clothes
While you struggle to be stylish
The truth is I don't even try
I literally wear what I feel
The moment when you see a once true friends' true colors its so surreal.
Can't hide an appeal that's within a beauty I was born with
Can't change the fact that I can hold conversation and your boring
Haters hate the things you can't change even though they can change
To whatever they aspire
To feel beautiful

You don't want me in your life
And that's cool
So stop texting me
Acting like you do
I've come to terms with the truth
Why can't you

I was that soft voice in your ear
On nights when you couldn't sleep
The voice of your inner thoughts
When you couldn't speak
I know
You were that void for me
That filled me with positivity
And made me believe in destiny
Once again
But now I just seek reality
And you weren't it

I like how you acted like you didnt notice me
What the **** is wrong with you, I got feelings can't you see?!
You make me angry nd you make me sad
Your the worst heartbreak I ever had
Do you know what you do to me? Do you even care?
We used to go everywhere
Ridin in yo whip
The bad ***** in your passangers seat
Your down *** chick
You always used to call me, just to see what I was doin
I miss that ****, so who the ******* screwin?!
Yeah I'm the jealous type, I guess you caught up to that
The way you treat me is so wack!
You said things wouldn't change and that you didn't wanna lose me! Your a ******* liar and emotionally you abused me.
But that's cool, cause I got my superman
He's always been by my side and does the things you can't
And one day I hope you meet him, the man who rocks my world
The guy who fufils all my ****** fantasies that I've had about you that never happend cause of you cause you didn't want them too!
Tired of feeling like a fool
Callin you, no answer
Texting you, a cancer
Hurts my muthafuckin feelings cause you don't care no more
Was once adored, by you
Now someone else wants to
I never should've told you my feelings
I trusted you to let me open up
My heart just won't shut up, it keeps flowing with hurt and pain
You hurt me so bad its a shame
And now I can't stand it when I hear your name

Negative voices
Thoughts of pain
Feelings of regret
Self esteem drained
It's hard to maintain
And remain sane
Self image ****** up
But he still loves me anyway

I understand I'm unlike anybody else
Some people are good at it though
Deceiving themselves
The ones who don't want you to succeed
Would rather see you begging on the streets

What's the best way I express myself?
It's what some people ask me
Impulsively writing since I was eight
Rhyming always came along naturally
Didn't say much when I was a kid
My aunt thought I was mute
Daydreaming in my journal in school
The more I wrote the more I found my voice
It got louder
My weapon of choice
Became my words
A lady doesn't physically fight
Grandma told me that's not right
Let's just say I've committed mental ******
Once or twice
Cause ******* think that I'm that ***** to try
No, not i

Do you miss me
Do you love me
I always have to ask you cause I don't know
Why should I care if you don't care
That's emotionally unfair
Blowing my feelings in a balloon
Leave them in the air
Things aren't the same when your not here
Made plans but now the future unclear
In my dreams I still see you there
In a image that my mind creates of heaven
Because in my thoughts I can see you anywhere
Wish I could tell you
But I have to keep it to myself

The silence is the closure
Hard to understand
Till you get older
Have someone treat you so bad
That it takes years to get over
Can't help but to feel sad
Tried hard to stay sober
Just to deny the fact
That whatever it was
It's over

I am 24 going on 25
Not knowing where to go, but in my room to hide
From a judgmental world full of deception and lies
So much darkness inside
Hard to open my eyes
When secretly, I wish I would die
Struggling to seek positivity
When I find it, it doesn't seem to last
Still bothered about mistakes and wishing I could change the past
Everyone doesn't move on as fast as others do
There are many people like me who hurt just like you

Now I lay in bed lovelorn
Cause my heart has been torn
Maybe not TORN, but a little bruised
Ever since I kissed you, I've had the blues
Your lips were as soft as I always imagined
Thought I'd forget by now, but I haven't
Then I wonder if you think about it too
If your heart cries out for me, the way mine cries out for you
I wonder if you think about my smile, and the way I laugh at your jokes
The way I say hello to you, our shared cigarette smoke
The way my lips felt against yours
The way you felt me bra-less, if you wanted to take off my clothes
Didn't think you would oblige me, in such a passionate kiss
I was "out of whack" cause you kissed me back and now my heart's in bliss

Then I bring myself back to the reality
Where I need to face the truth
You wanna stay friends, but I still need PROOF!
I wanna know if you REALLY meant that!
If there REALLY is NO hope
In making you mine
I'll wait we got time
To tell me that I don't have to sit around and mope
That maybe one day you'd give us a try
Make me your girl, make you my guy
But I've decided to let destiny decide
That way I don't have to cry
Cause you'll never know, things could change
One day your feelings could get rearranged
One day you could look at me in a different way
One night I might be over, and you'd tell me to stay

But now I lay in bed lovelorn
Cause my heart has been torn
Maybe not TORN, but a little bruised
Ever since I kissed you, I've had the blues

Life isn't perfect and neither are you
Don't worry about what I'm going through
I'll be fine while your still wondering
Too intimidated to speak to me so your left pondering
Making statements and assuming
It's your life that needs grooming
I'm already ahead of you within my mind state
Just because our problems are different doesn't mean we can't relate
Everybody judges everyone it's an inevitable defeat
If you don't work you don't eat
Even if you have to walk with your own feet
It's levels to this ****
Too legit to quit
If the status don't fit you must acquit a suffering culture whose lost morals and gained vultures of dishonesty selfie roller coasters the world is falling over cliches about beauty and how it's made if you want call a doctor to make a change parts of you rearranged cause of your inner pain something has to change.

You know how you can speak things into existence? You can think things too, ever thought about something hard enough that eventually it came true?

Is there a certain length to the past?
Does it really count
The past could've been a year ago?
..Or Should've been A month ago?
Could've been a week ago?
Would've been Yesterday?
Maybe it was an hour ago?
What about minutes ago?
Before and after you changed your mind?
It was seconds ago

...and I'm supposed to just let it go?!
No.
But I will
In due time

Plenty ******* two faced
Tryin to keep a straight face
Been in my own lane
Ever since the 3rd grade
Been doin this, no sweat
Followers, I don't get it
My parents raised a leader
Taught me I'm the leader of my own quest
The keeper of my destiny
Trying to unlock my mind
But I hold the key
Don't care if you don't like me
Got folks that do
Far away from those who spite me
I like me
So do you
Always twisting my words
Making everything untrue
But keep an ear out for each one
Everything I say and do
Has deeper meaning unbeknownst to you
But you will make your own judgements
And see me as a monster
When I'm really just trying to stay away
From all the unnecessary drama

Lord forgive me if I don't love my life enough
The last few years after high school have been so tough
Before high school I didn't think so but I had it made
All I had to do is come home with good grades
I remember a lot but after the drinks and drugs the memories fade
Day after day I wish I could just fly away
But I have to stay and make this money to make sure my family is straight
I don't want to let them down
It's hard to hide my frowns
Nobody really cares but you God
Nobody loves me like you God
After high school it's been so hard
Things will get easier, so I thought
But in this reality everything gets harder
Looking back on my mistakes knowing I should've been smarter
Show me your light God
The light that gets me up in the morning that shines through my blinds and opens up my eyes to see that I'm here for a reason and I shouldn't always cry because while life goes on my strength builds inside

It's almost as if I'm mourning a death
Death of a memory in the past that will never come back
Life goes on and people do too
Maybe he called just to say "I still want you"
Just not the way I want him to
Crying all night "boo hoo"
At least I stopped myself from being used

I don't tell you sht
Cause I know you don't care
Always judging me
Like I'm unaware
I'm not stupid
I notice everything too
I know sht when I smell it
It smells like you

Do people change
Or do they stay the same
Ever so often the situations change

You can change your lifestyle
Your emotions and beliefs
But the core of who you are inside stays the same

I think I know the secret
To succeeding in life
To create your own ****
And leave something behind
For the time you pass on
So a legacy is born
We are here to express ourselves
Everyone knows pain
Cause you can't see a rainbow
Without a little rain
So keep praying
Trust God.

A rare sacrifice of love
Everybody wants it
But doesn't wanna give it up
Tear down the walls
And let someone in
But it's sink or swim
Many times you will lose to win
Don't quit there's a chance for a happy ending
That's when you'll find a new beginning

Back in my hometown I used to hate
Listening to old school jams to make it feel like 98'
Anita Baker taking me back to the school bus
Rapping Trick Daddy with my friends trying not to cuss
Reminiscent of a childhood gone too soon
Struggling to adjust to the real world of doom
After high school you simply choose
If you wanna win or lose
Will you fall into the pits of darkness after despair and never come out?
Or will you stand taller?
That's what victory is all about
The good conscious is God
Telling you to keep moving
Keep believing and improving
On a better you and a better life
Faith of a future that shines bright
I think that everything will be alright
...Now I can sleep at night...

I wish I saved that sht
But I deleted it
Didn't want to torture myself again
Love lost nobody wins
I guess you call this..
The Dead End

When I Smoke

Makes me feel like I'm out of this world when I want to leave it
Constantly asking myself if I know who I am why won't I be it?
Scared to fail
To look stupid
Desperately trying to see into my own future
Worried that things will stay the same
Crying because I miss "what's his name"
Questioning if this habit has made me deranged

But when I'm sober I'm steadily guided by my faith
Motivated to follow a path that I know only God can create
Second guessing any decisions that I make
The burden of depression sometimes is hard to take
But I know God believes in me every morning that I awake

No matter how many songs are in repeat
You take the time to get to know me
You smile at me before you go to sleep
Your joyous dimples make me weak
Sometimes I get lost in you and I can't speak
An attraction so noticed sometimes awkward when being friendly
I wonder if I'm the only one feeling this heavy

People change
They move on
Some are for you
Some are not
Don't stress trying to figure it out
Cause they'll show you
Whether you matter
Or you don't
Just remember
No matter what happens
You matter

The deed is done
You have succeeded in making me
Feel like sht
For your own selfish sense of gain
And strength
It hurts
Having a place for you in my heart
That I now don't know
How to deal with
Cleaning out my soul
Of anything negative
Trying to fill the void you left
With happiness