" why do you wear all those badges? "
My brother frowns at me.
" they'll take away all the colour on your hoodie. "

" I like them. " I reply bluntly.

' BUT THEY ARE COLOURFUL! AND I LOVE THEM! '
I want to yell.
But I hide my rage with a sigh

" you really should join the play!
You'd be amazing! "
My mother says.

" b-but I don't want to..."
I mumble and look down

" but you should! What about the plays you did as a child? "
My mother glares.

' BECAUSE OF ALL THE PEOPLE
ALL THE LINES
I CAN'T DO IT
I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE! '
I want to yell.
But I hide my rage with a shrug.

" you look like a *****. "
My father glares at my blue clothes
" you look like a mess. "

' I'M SORRY
BUT I CAN'T SEE IN THE DARK
YOU NEVER GAVE A BULB '
I want to glare.
But I hide my rage with silence.

" brush your hair! "

' I ALREADY HAVE! '

" clean your teeth! "

' I'VE DONE SO ! '

" have your hair loose! "

' I LIKE IT THAT WAY! '

" do that, do this! "

" your grades are failing! "

" get your act together! "

Can't they see they are the cause?
Can't they I'm sad.
I'm crying in my room.
I write sad songs and poems
In my room alone.
Alone.
Without them.
Without criticism.

I want to scream.
Shout or yell at them.
They always moan at me.
Only my friends understand
Like good friends do.
They don't.
I want to let out everything
Tell them how insecure I feel.

But I hide my rage
My sadness
My hatred for pity
My feeling of being an outcast
I hide it all with a fake smile.

" hello? "

I ask as I open the black door.

Silence greets me kindly
Letting me in so gentlemanly.

School bag off.
Get a snack.
School back on.

I march the stairs
Sounding like an xylophone
Creaking away as I charge
I reach the top.
My bedroom door is shut
Locking my art and poems away
Never to be heard or seen
By family or friends
But strangers on the media

I open the door.
My sofa has a blanket of clothes
My floor covered with magazines
To be destroyed and cut up
Into a more stranger yet beautiful
Type of art, a collage of photos
Of famous people and models
Taken by famous photographers
Who's names are unknown to me.
Maybe I'll join the list someday
But who knows?

I slip off my socks and shoes
Rip off my prison uniform
Sorry, meant school
But it's a prison to me in my mind

I armour myself with band shirts
A pair of tie-dye shorts
And I'm barefoot
So I feel like I'm walking on grass

I take my snack, a scone
A cup of tea
A packet of crisps*
And settle down onto my bed

My bed isn't like your bed
It's a bunk bed
No one sleeps on top
My brother used to
But he left me be
And I use its banister
As a railing for my own curtain
To hide my own bed
Hide away my emotions
Hide me and cover me
As I sleep

Silence greets me again
It rests upon me as I start to write
My poems and stories

No one to bother me
No one to hurt me
No one to pressure me
No one to get me down

The only sound is
My grandmother's TV
Did I mention she lives with me?
Don't worry, she loves me
She wouldn't tell a secret
Like I don't tell hers

The sound of my breathing
The sounds from my phone
Blasting music through my room
The sounds of the wind
A nearby train
Cars passing by

The peace is shattered
So I wave it goodbye
The front door cracks open

" hello? "

My mother calls.

" are you ok? "

" I'm fine! "

I reply with a fake smile
Even though she can't see
My frown of disappointment

I needed to be alone more

The Bell’s ringing again
Another day of torture
Another walk of shame
And another crowd to follow

I’m standing in line
Everybody is laughing
Everybody is smiling
But I’m not
I’m covering my ears
I’m starting to cry
The words they say
Are echoing again
  It’s another long day

My classmates say
They understand my pain
That they’ll stay quiet for me
then why am I having a meltdown
In the middle of corridor chaos

My heart is pumping
I’m humming loudly
But nothing can block out the noise
I’m being pushed and shoved
In the long narrow room

I   C A N ‘ T  T A K E  IT

Stay SILENT For Me
What hidden meaning does it have?
Rearrange the letters in Silent
Here is my message
LISTEN to me

“ why would he do that? “ the victim’s mother screamed.

Saltwater tears fell to the wooden floor.

Silence for a moment.
Then speech from the witness.

” I don’t know! I just saw him with ****** hands! “

I took a long look at the man whom they call ‘ the criminal ‘.

He had a smirk on his face
He said nothing
But I knew what he was saying

“ what other proof do we have aside from the witnesses? “ I enquired.

“ a woman saw him in a shop, stealing a knife and slipped it in his belt. “

“ and I recognise him from a picture on a trophy shelf. “

Silence again.

The sentence comes
The volcano erupts
He explodes
He yells
He pleads
Nothing can convince the guards
Who have no mercy or heart
The guns of the firing squad
The holder of ropes
The press of a button

Silence
We take our leave
I get home
More silence
Knock knock
No one is home

I let out the sigh I held in
I take a glass of sweet whisky
I sleep.
I dream of ****** hands,
A knife in a belt
And a wanted poster on a trophy shelf.

I see him on the screen of the TV
As the bold headlines
Of the newspapers flash
"MAN CAUGHT AFTER ATTEMPTED ******
LAST FRIDAY NIGHT"
As a victim's heart took a final beat

The outraged look on the reporter
Says she's mad but she can't say
And the media is screaming
"HOW DARE HE?"
It was an innocent human after all
But was it worth it?

I'm flicking through the article
Says the murderer was imprisoned
Spending the rest of his life
Stuck behind bars in a prison yard

" he's probably regretting it. "
Says Mum, who's sipping her tea
" I wonder what he's thinking. "
Says Dad who's leaving for work
I knew what I was thinking
" was it really worth it? "

Right now he's receiving death
As his punishment
A little much to me
But I suppose he should know
What it's like to be a chalk outline.
He's probably got a rope as a tie
Maybe chair straps as bracelets
His bones turning electric
Maybe he's got a bullet in his brain
His blood on the ground
As the criminal's heart takes
One last beat

But was it worth it?
To commit a crime?
A crime he'd be punished for
Was he asking for suicide?
Or was he mad inside?
Guess that's for the media
to decide

A single boy
A cross around his neck
Praying in the church he loves
Even though they throw sticks
Even though they throw stones
Words can never hurt him
He's praying to his father saying
" I really love this boy!
I'm sorry father but I love him so
I know you wouldn't mind
But I want you to know that "

A single girl
School uniform on
She's saying to her only best friend
" I love girls is it wrong?
I don't know what to do!
My father will **** me
My mother will too!
I love this one girl
Sitting in my maths class.
I hope she's my friend
Hope she feels the same "

When the kids at school discover
These two humans' secrets
They are laughing and laughing
And shoving them to the floor
As the support comes in
Saying " this is not right
Screaming at these innocent saying
" DEATH TO THESE VICTIMS
WHO COMMITED A SIN
GOD DOES NOT ALLOW THIS "
" If he really doesn't..."
A quiet voice replied
" Then why are they allowed to
Exist like me and you? "

I get up in the morning
The weekend has finally come
If it's called the weekend
When the weekend in the beginning of the week
Then why don't we call it 'week beginning'?

While I ponder this in my mind
I laugh and chatter using texting
How? By going on my phone
Obviously after having breakfast

"I gtg guys, gonna do some browsing" I text then go online
To check the news
And see what's happened
While I was gone

"ENGLAND IS MY CITY"
One post reads
"No it's a country :/"
I respond with a face not really
Describing my confusion

"Why can't I sleep?"
Someone asks from another timezone
"Becuase you're on this website
That ruins sleep"
"Actually it's because of the light
From your shining device.
That causes your lack of sleep."
I explain
"LOL I was just joking!"
The person responds with a laughing face
'How on earth is that a joke?'
My mind makes me ponder

The usual hate, questions, laughing, the lot
Until I log off and take a walk
To clear away the web of confusion
I know so very well.