No matter how many times you break me
I'll keep crawling back to you
I'll even apologize for something I can't explain
Because despite everything, no matter how hard I try
You're like a disease, I can't get you out of my brain

No matter how many times you **** me from the inside out
I'll keep running back to you
Because tortured life with you around
Is far better than a life without
Despite my protests to the contrary,
When you're not here I become incredibly weak
Why do you do this to me?

No matter how many times I die for you
No matter how many times I self-crucify
I know you won't care,
You won't bat an eye
You'll frown and say, "It's not like I'm trying to hurt you,"
When you know exactly what it is that makes me die a little more every day

I can't even enjoy others
Because the thought of you with someone else makes me sick to my stomach
I hate how much it hurts
Because no matter how many times you destroy my carefully constructed walls
I will always return to you.

I knew it was love
When I stopped caring about myself
And all I saw was you.
The world stopped spinning,
The planets all aligned,
And all I saw was you.

It was then, I think,
I died a little.
You feel nothing of the like for me
I know this, it's true
The stars shine, not for me, but for you
It was then,
I died a little.

When our messages became curt and short
When you became distracted by everyone else
I think I died a little.

I missed you more than my own vitality
I hurt more when she hurt you
I don't know what's wrong
All I know is,
I think I died a little.

I hope someday we can speak of this
I hope you will see how our souls are tied
Because I will, eventually, need you to know
Just how many times, for you,
I died.

There are moments when I cannot let anyone see beneath my surface,
For what would they say if they knew how deep these waters go?

My smiles are light and airy, full of hope for tomorrow
But how much, about me, do you really know?
Do you see the stillness in my eyes, when she says the things that cause hurricanes below?

You may not notice, but that's the point.
No one should know how my waters run far too deep.
There are far happier people, who live normal lives
What must it be like?

How would it feel to want to live to see tomorrow, willingly, every day, for the rest of my life?
Would my eyes be a little brighter?
Would my gaze find love wherever it chose to roam?
I know not, I may never will--
For these waters run deep.

Pools of sadness that bleed for several leagues each
You cannot escape once you lose sight of the waves
The light can only reach so far, my dear,
Beyond that, it's just my demons and me.

Deep waters don't always run still
This, you will know
If you ever decide to take the leap,
Dare to peer into my dreams,
And discover what lies within my deep.

Thoughts as dark as ebony, urges to hurt the skin that covers me
You know not what lies beneath.
The hatred that fills my lungs as I gaze into a mirror
The hurt at my own innermost thoughts
"You're not ever good enough"
You have no idea how hard it is to shut them out.

I sequester myself away, struggling to stay afloat
But you have no clue how much effort it takes
For me to keep going, day to day.
I sometimes wish someone else knew that my waters run deep
I sometimes wish you knew how deep my love was for you
But then, dear,
I'd be afraid that you would drown.

For, if there is one thing of which I am certain,
It's that I will die a thousand deaths in my own mind
Before I let anyone (least of all you)
Know the extent of my dark.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just frozen in space,
Stuck in the fabric of time
Without a purpose, simply static
Not quite floating,
Not actively moving but not stopping either
Hurtling through the stars,
Simply dancing in the dark.

I don't act, I don't try;
I just find myself in the sky
Waiting for you to come, though you never do.
Give me a reason to stay, to leave,
Something to hint that we should be complete
I just want to stop being alone,
Stuck here,
Dancing in the dark.

It's such a shame to be alone
Here among this beauty that I can't appreciate
My mind won't stop focusing on you,
And your inability to reciprocate
So I will remain,
Swirling in this nebula of stars,
Dancing alone in the dark.

You don't want me here
But you can do nothing to stop me
So we're at an impasse, love--
Unable to continue, unable to desist
I just want you to end up in my arms,
But you know this will never work
So I'm frozen here
Forever in love, forever broken
Simply listening to your voice as it shatters the silence,
While we're dancing in the dark.

The sky is lit with a million stars
The void is painted with their light
Space screams with everything left unsaid
For I will, here, remain,
Crying into the nothingness as I am spent
I don't want to keep dancing in the dark.

Stop shutting me out.
You may think you hide it so well,
But I see you, love.
I may be blind in the daylight,
But I hear you loud and clear
You think you wear that mask with such aplomb
But I know you're really a ticking bomb
You're just like me, love
We may hear different tunes, we may not feel the same drums
But you are here too, dancing in the dark.

We're not so different after all.
I don't wanna cry after you,
But I know I will.
Here among the dying stars,
As the sun begins to overtake the sky
I'll keep dancing in the dark until the very end,
Until there's nothing, of me, that's left.
For, after all,
It was you that sent me spiraling into the night,
Awaiting death,
As I danced in the dark for you.

Do you see them, love?
All of these small, pretty things?
Drops of crimson upon white
They float away from me, proof of my blight—
Do you see it now, love?
The blooms that have taken hold in me,
The roots that cramp my chest,
They leave little room for much else, love—
For in the end, love,
These blooms were for you.
The pain they caused,
The havoc they reaped,
Every last petal drips for you.
Do you see it now, love?
The stolen glances,
The soft caresses,
The smiles that were only for you?
I hope you see it now, love
And choke on it as hard as I have for you.
They have taken hold and they are not going to leave
These soft blooms that will inevitably spell my doom
I wish you could have seen it sooner, love—
For these petals I bleed, I bleed them all for you.
The blooms have taken over, now,
There’s really nothing left to do
Wait and watch in horror and aghast
As my lungs are drained of life
The thorns pierce my heart and veins, love—
Yes, there’s nothing here for you
Except to weep for all of the things you couldn’t see
But now, with death, you do.
A glorious cascade of beauty falls around me
Shades of red cover my face
Petals float among the spots in my vision
You cry in the unearthly still
As the heartbreak disease finds its purpose finally fulfilled.

Sometimes I want you to know how much you hurt me,
But then I stop that thought in its tracks.
Because no matter how many times you hurt me,  
I'd much rather take the pain and spare you.
Despite the ache you leave, I'll never subject you to the pain you cause.
Because I care for you more than I'll admit
I want to protect you from everything, even if it means I have to die a little more every day.

So, remember me.
If there's one thing I want to say,
Remember me how I was, how I am, how I will always be.
Remember how I can laugh through the pain
No matter what comes my way,
I will keep standing for another day
Because no matter what, I will always keep you safe.
You will never know what it would feel like for me to cause you pain.

Remember me.
Remember the smiles even when I'm going to break
The good times and bad times that always looked the same
The conversations that kept us awake
Please, just remember me.
For you, darling, all of the dragons I will slay
I will always keep you safe
You will never know, because the last thing I want is to cause you pain.

Please, remember me.
The times when I caught your eye in more than one way
When I looked perfect and moon-kissed and undaunted by the day
I was beautiful and strong and unbreakable
Please, remember me in that way.
Not as I am now.
Depressed and aching and lonely.
This is not my identity. It will pass.
But for now, my love, don't remember me this way.
So I will hide it from you until I break.

For no one should ever have to suffer this pain.

This is my Magnum Opus, to the first boy I’ve ever loved.
The only lips I’ve wanted to kiss.
The only eyes I’ve wanted to drown in.
The only heart that I’ve wanted to possess.
For, after all of the *******, you were the first time I wanted everything.
I don’t even know how it happened so fast—the way my eyes magnetized directly to you, how I wanted you from the first time I caught your eye.
Call it fate, call it destiny—it doesn’t matter to me.
I just want you to love me, dear, as much as I love you.
Maybe I’m crazy.
After all, I’ve known you less than a month.
But I can’t help but feel as though some things were written in the stars.
I loved your face first. That soft smile and pretty eyes with lashes longer than the Nile.
Then I loved your laugh. So visceral and deep, yet soft and cute at the same time.
Your personality, though, that was when I knew I was doomed.
We loved the same movies. We were almost always on the same page. You showed me music that I’d never thought I’d enjoy; but somehow, you knew me so intrinsically.
I think you sealed the deal when I heard you sing.
If there’s one thing I’m defenseless against, it’s a boy who can sing.
Your voice was like melted caramel, so sweet and smooth and enticing—I was doomed from the moment I heard your siren call.
It didn’t help that you met my gaze as you sang, as though I was the only person in the world.
The passion in your face was enough to make me want to collapse. You should never have let me see those bedroom eyes.
I can’t get you out of my mind. Ever.
You’re always in my thoughts.
You whisper to me even when you’re not around.
I can hear what you would say if you were here.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could hide it, make it stop, ignore it.
But it hurts so much when I see you with someone new, you have no idea.
I feel the breath leave my lungs and the life leave my eyes
When I know you don't want me near
I hate myself for what I'm doing to my own heart and mind
But I know I'm defenseless against you.
Not with those soft doe eyes and a smile that makes my knees weak
Not with a scent that puts me completely at ease
I've been in love since I first laid eyes on you
And I may never fall out of love
But the biggest problem isn't that, love makes us human
The problem is, I can't stop the hurt.
The problem is how you have me wrapped around your little finger.
If I thought it would mean your happiness, I would tear myself apart
I would rip my heart from my chest
I would offer you the world at my expense
Because seeing you smile is all that I want.
It hurts when you want to be alone
Because I know how much I hate it.
I don't want to be alone, ever. Not when I could be with you.
You're the common thread in my nights, recently.
Whether we're tangled in my sheets or you're spitting insults, you can't seem to escape my dreams.
I wish it would stop
But all the same, I don’t want you to go
You’re all I want in life, but this makes it hurt all the more.
If only you could offer me something else
Something that I crave
I would be yours forever, darling,
But that’s a confession for another day.