I guess the worst part isn’t really how I feel
But the fact he doesn’t care to notice how much it hurts
He stays immune to my pain until it’s too late
He just wants to be friends, there’s nothing else to say on that
But I keep holding out hope for the fact that there is some potential...
Someday, maybe we can be more than friends.
Maybe we’ll own a house with a white picket fence.
Perhaps we can get a few dogs, let them run free.
In this instance, for you, I’d give you a daughter.
Only for you, love—only for you.
Someday, maybe we will love
Maybe we will stay up all night talking about life
Someday, maybe, if I play my cards right, you will ask me to be your wife.
They say love is patient, it is kind
I have such a hard time keeping this thought alive.
All I want is you, right now
I don’t know how to keep my hurt to myself.
But perhaps,
Maybe someday,
My wish will come true.

I find it so infuriating
How you manage to occupy my every waking thought.
Here I thought I was immune to your charms
(After all, it’s been two months)
But then you had to go and get that haircut
Yes, you know the one—
That **** undercut that drives me insane.

You’ll be the death of me, this I swear
For this is so much more than I’m meant to bear
I want to love you, I want to leave you—
Anything I will do to stop this strain.
Darling, I love you so much more than, aloud, I will say.
The ache in my chest as you look away, confirming we are not a thing
No, we’re just friends
Despite the feelings that run so deep for you
You still want to remain the same.

So you settle, then—
Occupying my every little thought
Fogging up my brain in ways I can’t explain
Destroying my self confidence and building it up in other ways
My darling, why do you have to take up residence in my every little thought.

Sometimes I think the worst part about loving you
Isn’t the hurt you cause when you’re away
Sometimes I think the worst part is how you give me a feeling that I can’t satisfy...
Honey, you make me want to sin.
Horribly, messily, disgustingly—sin.

I’m not the ****** type
Never was, probably won’t ever be
But ooh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I want to feel your hands on my skin, a gentle caress I can’t breathe without
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to lose all of this self-doubt
Because honey, you make me want to sin.

I fear God, I don’t want to disappoint
I know you think He doesn’t exist,
But honey, you’re proof enough of just how real He is.
You’re proof enough that the Devil is bent on making me sin.
With those soft doe eyes and a smile that slays,
With the sharp eyebrows that frame your face,
That infectious laugh that leaves me in a daze—
Honey, you make me want to sin.
You never leave me satisfied,
Not with this aching slick you leave between my thighs
‘Tis enough to drive me mad, because honey—
You make me want to sin.

Oof, the way you sing absentmindedly at any time of day,
The soft expressions that you make
The awful memes you display
Oh, Lord—you make me want to sin.

I can’t stop you from racing around in my thoughts
You’ve moved in, taken up residence, and I’m caught
Caught up in your scent, your smile, your eyes
Hair I want to bury my fingers in
A body I want to cling to
Oh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I don't know what I can do
Other than sit here and stare at you
She leans against your chair,
You do nothing to fight back
I want to die
But instead, I'm paralyzed
You do nothing to halt her advances
Though you feel nothing the same for her
I hate myself more and more
As I can only sit here and stare at the floor.

I cannot move, I'm transfixed
How would it look to see my name on those thirsting lips?
Lovingly inflected, as though I'm the only one on your mind?
Surely, I will never know
It's only been a short while, we've barely begun
And yet I find myself craving your touch more than I can show.
Paralyzed, I cannot speak
Instead, I internally weep and feel loss for the thing I have no right to grieve.

I feel so ******* dumb whenever I'm around you
You somehow manage to bring me to my knees, and I ******* hate it
You've got me whipped and I don't even get the benefits that should come with it
How the **** do you have me so conveniently wrapped around your little finger?
You ******* wreck me and I don't know how to stop it
You make my heart race and my cheeks flush (what a ******* joke)
This is supposed to only happen in the movies
So why the **** do you have to make things so complicated?
I feel like a stupid-*** lovesick idiot
I feel like I've been tricked
So what the **** is wrong with me? How have you managed to invade my head?
Tell me, what is your method to this madness? How have you driven me over the edge?
I feel nothing but rage when I think about what you do to me
Butterflies and moths caged in my stomach (what a stupid trope)
Clammy hands and dry lips, how the hell did this happen so fast?
You're the level-headed one, saying I can't be in love after a month
Why does all of my sanity fly out the window whenever you're around?
I feel like a ******* lovesick idiot
I hate how vulnerable you make me, you knock me to my knees
I'm not supposed to fall this fast
I'm not supposed to feel
I hate how you make me weak, soften my edges and bring me from the ashes entirely anew
Even more, though, I hate how I shrivel when you go away
Like the Grinch, my heart becomes three sizes too small when you go away
And I don't know how to stop the hate and pain
You're the best and worst that ever happened to this ******* lovesick idiot
I hate it, but you know it's true
You bring out the best and worst in me
You know how to push my buttons and turn me into something new
Why did I have to be such a fool?
In the end I suppose it wasn't me, it was you
You and your ******* perfect eyes and smile and that great *** of yours
It's all your fault for making me into a lovesick idiot
When the only thing I wanted (here's a hint, it's you)
Was the love you couldn't give me, the things you couldn't do.

Though I know your heart beats for someone else,
I can't stop my thoughts from tumbling along the familiar suspicions.
Do you feel something for me, after all?
Rationally, I know I'm a fool.
I know you love me as a friend, a confidant, nothing more.
So why can't I get you out of my brain?
You torture me in tiny heartbreaking ways,
The way you have others hanging off of you left and right,
The way you sing without thinking about it,
How you cut your hair just the way I like,
The soft admissions that you should be worrying about me and not the other way around--
How do you manage to tear me apart every single time?
I can't stop the ache when you offhandedly mention how attractive she is,
And I have to catch my breath when you flirt with everyone except for me.
What did I do wrong that made you not want to be with me?
What sort of cruel joke has God made, letting me find my soulmate when I'm not his?
Why am I not enough? I'm not a supermodel, but I can be beautiful when I try... So why doesn't anyone notice?
I have the worst sort of luck falling for my friends,
Mark this the seventh occurrence on my ledger
Perhaps when it finally reverses my luck, my karma will be so great that you will change your mind.
Maybe I'll find someone better.
Until then, though, there's nothing I can do to stop my racing thoughts.
They run circles round and round my head, torturing my mind with thoughts of inadequacy and imperfection--
Why? What have I done to deserve all of this pain?
I may never know, and that scares me the most.
I can only hope you will come to love me in time,
Before we part ways and before our time is done
For, you, love--
You're all I want in life.

If there’s one thing I hate,
It’s the word, “love.”
Everybody is in love with love.
With the flowers and chocolates and kisses and caresses,
It makes me sick.
It makes me want to cry.
Not because I don’t want it,
But because I know I don’t get to try.

There’s a guy who happens to be my best friend.
He’s smart, suave, and ****, but to what end?
I feel as though I want to drown in his breath, but I know that is only a dream.
Real love is never equal.
We idealize it to be a perfect give and take,
But it’s more likely going to be one person selling their soul for the object of their affections.
Giving every part of them that they can,
To receive pittance in return.
Maybe I’m just a cynic.
But I have yet to see “true love.”

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve felt more deeply for him than anyone else.
But in the grand scheme of things, it’s all just one big joke.
A great cosmic prank made by the universe.
We all search for love, and many of us never find it.
If we do, it’s even fewer who find it returned.
I hate myself and how I feel,
Not because he’s a bad guy (he’s probably better than 80% of the male population I’ve known),
But because I know he doesn’t feel the same.

So why do I harbor this sudden hate for a word so gentle and vulnerable?
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been neglected by it.
No one who isn’t family has shown me love.
There’s friendship, sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to love.
That burning sensation in your skin as you feel as though you would do anything to make them happy, to keep them safe.
The ache in your chest when they want something you can’t give them.
Because, in the end,
I’ve always felt as though I was cursed.

To be a female and to remain unwanted is a pitiful thing.
I still don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong.
I’m pretty enough when I try.
I’m smarter than your average teenager.
I have opinions that I’ve formed for myself, and I know how to support them.
So why doesn’t anyone want to give me the time of day?
I know it’s not what I say.
Other girls are the same, and they managed to find someone who is their match.
So why am I ignored?
Why am I invisible?

Even you, love, can’t give me a single reason as to why you don’t feel how I do.

I’ve never understood why people are so infatuated with love. Sure, everyone wants to feel important.
That’s just the human condition.
But, the idea of sappy, Hallmark-greeting-card love, full of promises and truth?
I suppose I only hate it because I can’t have it.

Honestly, I hate almost everything about him.
I wouldn’t change a thing, but I still hate him for what he makes me feel.
I hate feeling vulnerable and weak.
That’s what he does to me.
Breaks me down into a shivering mess of a person, destroying all of my barriers and still managing to smile and say, “you’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
He says he enjoys being around me.
Why does he have to make it so hard?
I hate the way that he makes me feel.
I just wish he would hold me tight and never let go. Is that too much to ask?
Am I going crazy?
Sometimes, I wonder.

I hate him and his stupid cute brown eyes,
The ones I want to drown in.
I despise the smile he gives me when he first sees me, how it makes me want to melt.
I hate how all I can think about is how he would feel if his mouth touched mine.
I loathe the way his hands seem to be the perfect size to hold my own.
I hate the soft blond hair that I want to bury my hands in.
I hate the sense of humor we share.
I hate our favorite music, the songs he always plays when I’m around.
I don’t want to just be friends.
But I will, because painful life with him around is better than nothing at all.