1 ripple, 2 ripple,3-
thousand yards of straight swimming
water and waves
work outs seem to last for days
races short as nights

my mother once told me
                you're too nice
you told me
               stand up
my father told me
               grow a backbone
                                            
I can now assure you I am a vertebrate
that I can stand on my own two feet
I can face my foes with dignity
and here I am standing in front of you

Because my sister once told me
               treat ***** like ***** treat you

I should be running
but laying here in the grass is fine
small green blades brush my arms
while i on the line of perfect and chilly
a bright sun on my face
a gentle breeze on my arms
I should run but the grass is more inviting

there is a land, of 4 leaf clovers
they wave over hills
and  swim in the vallies

In this land, no one cries
In this land, no dreams die
and three leaf clovers are scarce
because should you break
A four leaf clover
A dream dies
and less birds fly

So, in this land,
of four leaf clovers
everyone steps  over clovers
and dreams don't die
and birds always fly

cabinet doors left open
cake mix on the counter
a board game half finished
family portraits hang on the wall
laundry folded in neat piles to be put away
everything is still, silent
not a breath, nor a soul
like everyone just vanished
their laughter hangs in the air
like the portraits on the walls
their shadows still strewn across the floor
but nobody's home

a mind that races faster than legs
running circles around  itself
I couldn't quite it
nor could anyone else

but when you're here it seems to fade
the racing mind
the tug of war of thoughts
it all goes quite

not a sound or a thought
a rag doll in your arms
an empty mind
a racing heart

they say that alcohol releases another side of you
to say the things you wouldn't say sober
to feel more or feel nothing
to bold while faded
it's intoxicating

perhaps that's why I am drawn to you
your presence challenges me
challenges me to be bold and be me
the thrill is intoxicating
but you're gentle arms invite me
like the warm feeling the liquor gives me
but then you turn cold and sour
I'm left confused and feeling hungover

She had 250 friends on Facebook
200 followers on twitter
150 on instagram
snap chatted her 50 best friends on the daily
Professed her love to the media
through emojis, snaps, and selfies
the media loved her back
with re-tweets, likes, and pokes
but none of the emojis or snaps in the world
could give what  she wanted most
no matter how many emojis or words of love are sent
one cannot profess true love
through the internet

There's an unsettling quiet that hangs in the air
an empty stage and abandoned chairs
dust settled on red curtains
empty theaters abandoned stages
past actors linger on curtains
laughs and cries hang in the air like ghosts
scratches on the floor of stories past
empty chairs where laughs and tears were shed
the curtains red
hanging half drawn
but where are the people? the show must go on

people assume that between us that i'm the one with poetic words
words that make your heart melt and flutter

but, we know other wise
that i'm the one who gets tongue tied
who searches for words
ends up saying something that sounds more like alphabet soup
than, something witty and cute
because that's what you do to me
make my head spin, my thoughts trip and fall
make my heart flutter, make me turn red
the things you say that mess with my  head
in the very best way

People build fortresses
High and mighty
walls that tower above the trees
Walls that can be seen from across the see
These walls that we build
they keep people out
our secrets inside
but it gets dark
and lonely
with no one inside

no one to hold you when you cry
so when you build your walls high and mighty
build a door
with a lock and key

There are monsters in my closet
they cry my name
the cries they make are always the same,
"look at what you've done,
you narcissistic beast"
and in my closet they feast
on my guilt
while in the corner, I sit quite and still

Innocence, the idea
Of a pure white cloth
Radiating in all its purity
But mine is stained
With the most gruesome tie dye

Black edged holes
That burn against stark white
Like emptiness in my soul

Red and pink stains
From the lust and desire
That burns like a sinful fire

Green smudges
Of greed so vast
Abd envy so deep
it consumes me

Brown spots
Not to be glorified by poetry
Just to be called the **** in life

Purple and blue
Not for the sadness
But for the cuts and bruises
The ones unto others and to myself

My flag does not wave
In glorious white
Its purity is stained
With the dye of life

I've heard the rumors about you
but i never thought they were true
never thought you were a complete...
never thought you'd treat me like trash

In this business
it's sail of flop
it will **** if you let it
if your will isn't strong enough

there are girls who are 110
but still aren't small enough
some shoot heroine
encouraged by the adults around them
to get tiny and  frail,
to go to these extremes

Artist, going mad for inspiration
every stroke is do or die
every form in pottery needs to be perfect
meticulous planing for an 8 by 11 painting
even more for a portrait

Dancers, breaking their feet for the perfect point
****** toes from wooden toe shoes
not drinking or eating  to make weight
hours in the studio
rolled ankles strained muscles
but still moving art

Singers, not eating dairy
downing water every second
working bar till throats ache
holding sharps till they feel faint
hitting the highest note and cracking
hitting the lowest note and burning

Actors, baking under lights
quick changes, make up running
memorizing lines and monologues day and night
it's a cue line, so it has to be right!
mind racing to think of a cover  up for a missed cue
alone on stage it's only you

This business ,full of horrible truths
is not for those who would like to keep their youth
to thrive, to simply survive
you need a will as hard as nails
a strong heart
self respect
and able to so NO and keep on saying it
having a will,  a heart, respect
will get you farther than the rest

it's like floating
that feeling when you know
you're still on the ground
but you're up in clouds

when you laugh so hard you can't
when you smile so big
you can't stop

it's the feeling of empty corridors
turning into ballrooms
where you dance all night long
conversation  turns to song

because you're smiling so much
and laughing so hard
and floating so high

that you're up in the clouds
but your still on the ground

As children we had dreams
Passion that twinkled in our eyes
but then,
Reality struck
it glazes our eyes
the  passion that once blazed, dies
ashes of our dreams on the ground
but that's okay
you can grow flowers,
new dreams
where the ashes
of burning passion used to be

Every one says
            "Don't be a square"
but why be a circle?
             because its special,
but if its special
then let it be special, and let there be few circles
if we are all circles,

"then don't be such a circle"

I am not lazy I'm just sick
but not with the typical case of senioritis
but with the one where your breathing actually sounds like an old man
and old man that smokes five packs a day
the one where your hunched over in sheetz
coughing like you should be in the hospital
it could be my body trying to get rid of the mucus that's plagueing me
but maybe it's other toxins
maybe it people and habits
my body forcefully pushing them away
because I finally got the wisdom to say I'm done

So this is what it is
a tug of war,
a pulling on the heart
Heart strings chiming
that's never being heard
So, its an empty echo,
A shout into the empty
Because they refuse to hear
but empty voices echo
in longing
in hope, they will turn around
and finally hear the sound of
heart strings chiming but,
until then
its an empty echo

I don't remember much
but the detective going mad
trying to unclasp hands, reaching for air
and major Metcalf saving me
what i remember most is
running, running for your embrace
looking up into your face
that i'd never thought I'd see again
I was giddy with joy and shaking with fright
you hold me close,
i explain how i once taught the children
that i couldn't help. how i thought you were the murderer
and you hold me tight
tell me it's alright
that's when they dim the lights

HIM
Alice, you child, show them your smile
ALENA
My name is not Alice
An you know that well
so, shut up and return to...
HIM
You little girl
you must be nice,
Alice, is sugar not spice
ALENA
Alice is a girl, not a car
stuck in traffic!
And if you dare think you can break me,
Break ALENA! then you're wrong
cause  I, am strong
and I still have fire in my eyes
HIM
She speaks  lies
she  is  submissive
not a beast, so boys you may feast
ALENA
Fine! go ahead!
But just take a  listen
Your sister, your mother, your baby cousin
Imagine them as me
HIM
Shut up you insolent brat!
ALENA
No! because one, one day
oh  yess one day
I'll never come back
and I will no longer be a car, stuck in traffic

                                   for my name is  ALENA not ALICE!

you poisoned me
no, you didn't slip arsenic in my food
or spike my Shierly temple
but you left your memories
decaying memories, poisoning me
the toxins of tourniquet leaking
their erosive toxins into my mind
you may not be here
but your memories are
and so the scars
white scars on my wrists
gashes in my heart
i don't know where to start
because your torment has no end
i hope that it might somewhere around the river bend
but the only river i see is from my eyes
part of the watershed of regret
to the ocean of mistakes
i seem to be drowning in
your memory is suffocating
filling my lungs with dispair
Im gasping for air,
but my willingness to swim in fading
so i'm sinking and letting the memories flood my brain
wondering if im going insane
or if its just a side effect
of the poison you called affection
a medication that apparently turned "no" into "yes"
and hiking up my dress...
and the poision, you,
your memories eve the happy ones hurt
the happy disguise of a smile
that would ultimately lead to teary eyes
and trouble with other guys
all because you poisoned me
and its effects are lingering
its not just a one and done
its an std of  the mind
it stays around even after your gone
so check yourself and your actions
dont dare poison someone else
do not add to the watershed of regrets
i want clean water
to wash away my infected mind
but no amount of soap
or blades or nails
could possibly wash away  your posion
because now its part of me
congratulations,
you dont no longer have to posion me'
you've turned me on myslef
like some auto immune disease
of the heart and the mind
because i will never forget when i called you mine
and i wish i could,but its branded
so i'm left stranded
in my ocean of regrets and poisoned water shed

Because this is my fault
that it's you and me
not us
please do remind me
who stormed off the buss
screaming "you cheat!"
when you were the one who got caught
and you thought
that it was my fault
that you weren't loyal
had to sleep around
let our love spoil
so yes it is my fault
I made the mistake of loving you

As if you knew,
in the slightest what others went through?
who is to say his smile is not a mask,
her life is not a cry?

He, he goes home everyday to a broken home
where he tends to broken bones
up till four every night
doing homework, going to work
but in school the smile is the only thing in sight

and she, she is the captain of the soccer team
a never wavering laugh
but when she goes home,
her arm is patterned in complex lattice
an intricate pattern of pain and sorrow

her laugh never fails to light a room
his smile lifts people from their gloom

this is all new to me
i'm clueless... i'm confused
I've never felt like this before
this feeling of more, more, more
but it comes so naturally to you
you know exactly what to do
while i'm frozen in a moment of clueless and confused

We were always the elephant
The elephant in the room
Of are they dating
And one day the peices
They Fell into place
And the butterflies swarmed
My heart skipped a beat
And my stomacj fluttered
Because the elephant was beautiful
And now instead of beimg ignored
We bask in its odd beauty
As butterflies swarm about us
And we arw filled with
Elephants and butterflies

just sitting in the kitchen
talking and joking
laughing with you
joking with your dad
baking something we just came up with we called
stuff, coated with chocolaty stuff, with other stuff in side it
that was some yummy stuff
simply because we thought it'd be fun
riding bikes because I **** at doing so
so instead of teaching me
we just biked better
The stuff that we do on Saturday afternoon couldn't be better

there's this little island
it doesn't have a name
its a place where people hold hands
but it's never the same

This island is always different
Its a pit stop
between lonely and spent
and lovey dovey slop

The nameless island
it's north of the friend zone
but it's not a couple's land
and time there seems to drone

so what is this little island?
that doesn't have a name
where people hold hands
but is never the same?

3 wishes
one two three,
can't ask for anymore
so call me evil for not wishing for world peace
but would you like to live like dirt?

we are human
at least that's what we like to call our selves
Without war
there's nothing to fight for
Take away the fight
and you take away our nature

we are human
we need to fight, we want more
we have an undying compassion
so we wish for things that can't happen

So yes! you can most certainly wish for world peace,
but you take away the fight in you and me

a long time ago i wrote about the feeling of  being over you...

I am now
Or rather, I'm pretending to be
You still make my heart strings chime
but your ears are clogged with dark memories
and I understand, I do
but i need you to understand
that I will never be over you
But i need to act like real people do
so I'll fake it till i make it
and someday you will too

The taste of you lingers
Not like him not like
Strawberries, sweet strawberries
But like bad yogurt

You were supposed to be good for me
But you, you were artificially sweetened
With broken promises and false labels
A flaming feminist, who burned like acid

You were supposed to be good for me
But your sweetness turned sour
Butterflies turned to nausea
A sour aftertaste no amount of strawberries could erase

I wish the sour taste would go
That it would leave me alone
So i could enjoy the strawberries
I longed so much to taste but,

Your taste lingers
Even after months of strawberries
And weeks of salt
Your sour taste lingers

Today something beautiful happened
I saw myself again
I looked in the mirror and smiled
not because i did anything special
or looked exceptionally nice
I saw my wide eyes and uneven elephant ears
my crooked, uneven, stained teeth
and saw the odd beauty in it
I saw that the pain my eyes have seen glisten
I saw that shy smile turn into one of bliss
I saw me for my flaws, black heads and all
the honest beauty for what it is

A dog on a leash is led by its owner
and only by being aggressive can it be freed
As a dog, I am on your leash
you drag me behind and I try to please
I'm there for you when you need me
but you always leave
I cannot run
that would mean to hurt you
I have too big a heart
to put you what you put me through

You can't
                                                                                                           yes i can!
then why haven't you already?
                                                                                     My demons keep me from
                                                                                     me from doing so!
you can't control them and you can't do this
so deal with it!
because you are a waste!
                                                                                 No NO NO
                                                                                 I refuse to be seen as such
                                                                                so you better hush!
                                                                         I am tired of fighting a civil war
You can't stop me
                                                                        Oh really? can't you see?
                                                                    you are merely the dark side of me
                                                           i can bring you down to your surrender
                                                               my demons, control me never

i do not plan to go down
but if i shall fall
i will not go down with out a fight
i do not choose many battles
but those i do i fight till the end
i will go up in flames
or come out victorious
either way i will stick with my army
through bullets and flames till the end

As if time could go slower
it drones on and on
the tick of that clock
a mockery, tormenting me
with every tick, tack, tock or ****
it is another time you've been gone

none of this your fault
no matter what she has you believe
I know she's convincing
but you are so much better
you could do so much better
find a girl, one that doesn't make you feel this way
one that doesn't spend time with her ex every Sunday
this tug of war between you two
is painful to watch
we all fear you will topple in
and not be able to swim
so please cut, let go, drop the rope
that keeps you in this mess
she's a nice girl, just not to you
yes it will hurt her
but if you don't you will hurt too

throwing yourself at the wind,

losing yourself in moment

the reason you bang your head on the wall
because that last movement ruined it all
the reason she left you, the reason you left him
or
the reason you haven't
the last thing you said spur of the moment
made them stop, made them listen
the thing you did last second
makes them think
the pause before going out the door
the impulse to slam it

in art, there is a study of chiaroscuro
dark versus light a contrast so beautiful

you, you are what they say is dark
you are curt and hard headed
thick skinned protecting a big heart
they say i am light
optimistic and light-hearted
an open heart protecting a broken one
the light and the dark dance
a beautiful composition of chiaroscuro

Cool beans, bonkers, groovy
some say i'm an old lady stuck in youth
I'm okay with that
Judy Garland's singing in the rain is my tune
so what if I'm stuck in youth?
I have new ideas
new views on the world elders wouldn't agree with
I'd be shun by some
so perhaps I'm not a Hip old lady trapped in youth
I'm a reformed old lady stuck in the good times

There's something here
I'm sorry you're to blind to see it
but how, how can you not see
that you meant, you mean everything to me

There was always something here
from giggles over the years
and awkward silences that screamed
Oh how i wish i could tell you

There finally was, we were
we were the teenage romance
a story of struggle, laughter, and adventure
a story john green would be proud of

but then, you closed the book
distracted by new places, new adventures
but here i am, book open
ready to write new chapters

there's a hunger in her eyes
for power, we called it ambition
she was going to do great things
she once did, we once all loved her
once upon a time she was friendly
but fairy tales don't exist, she told me that
she lead us, defended us
the power got her head
now she has horns and a hot head
her loyal follower, friends
want to see her reign end
her fairy tale land is about to fall
a rebellion is coming,
of people asking what happened to our leader?
perhaps she ate a rotten apple
perhaps she was never the fairest, the nicest, of us all

the best actors
aren't the ones on stage
they're the ones with broad smiles
and chins held high
but inside,
they want to curl up in ball and cry
but, actors are supposed to bring joy
and entertainment to the world
so the must smile and never cry

I'm no longer a sickly shade of paste
I'm a bright pink
cheeks hot, my heart fluttering
with every touch, every movement
because this moment
has me suspended in time
and floating in space
something the doctor couldn't even fix
I wouldn't want him to
this moment suspended in time you
a third world, our own space
every sentence, every word
spoken softly, trying  not to cut the strings
that keep us suspended in time
a moment  that would be a crime to forget
Don't let go, let me turn brighter pink
if it keeps us suspended in time

I feel fragile
Like a hollow glass sculpture
A murky glass
That resembles the person i was
I can feel the fractures
From the intense change
From eccstasy to fear
Excitement to disinterest
Mountains to valleys
Glass cracks in change
I guess im starting to
But if i do, nothing will spill
The hollow of this sculpture
Is just that, empty
An empty, hollow, sculpture
of  who i used to be

A blanket of white silences the town
like everyone is laying in a comforter of down
as if it is night
yet, it is day and it is bright
The snow flakes fall gently
like children fall asleep