Dear future whoever you are,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I can't seem to say the words "I love you" without stumbling over the words, or saying them really fast and running away, or them sounding stiff and forced like I don't really mean them, because I can assure you

I do

But you see the thing is

My family was never big on "I love you's"

Or affection for that matter, you see

We prefer "make sure the doors locked" being thrown over a shoulder as it rushes out the door

Or the ever so entertaining " put your seatbelt on, before I decide to test my breaks" as we are driving down a road

And just let me apologize in advance if you ever tell me that you, love me

And I freeze

It's not from shock I swear, okay maybe it is, a little bit, depending on the situation

But its probably mostly due to not being used to hearing it

I mean in the fifteen years I have under my belt so far I can't recall ever  hearing them said to me

So forgive me if I freeze, and then give an awkwardly delayed " I love you" back

And just know this

No matter how awkward or delayed or stuttered or fast it's said

I only say those three words when I mean them

And it's hard for me to say them

It really is

So dear future whoever you are

Please understand

I may not have heard them much

But I understand the meaning behind them

And just know

I love you, too

"The problem with suicide is that when it becomes an option in your mind, it's always an option."

I've never been a glass half empty or glass half full person.
I've either been a my glass is new and shiny and I'm going to love the **** out of it person
Or a
not only is my glass empty but it's shattered and I've cut myself on the pieces person.

Language is powerful, it evokes emotion in just a few sentences, words, letters, and I've decided the most heart breaking five words are "I'm scared to be alone"

You didn't  have to say anything more, I knew that those five words meant you needed me to make sure you didn't  take ten or twenty or thirty more anti depressants than prescribed, make sure the knives, blades, pencil sharpeners, and anything else you could hurt your self with were hidden, I knew you needed someone  there to talk to, who could point out the speck of light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how small it may have been.



Language is powerful, it evokes emotion in just a few sentences, words, letters, and I've decided the most heartbreaking four words are "I'm used to it."

When you have been in so much pain for so long that you have stopped noticing how much it hurts to breathe,  you forgot what good days feel like, you can't tell where pain ends and human begins, that is when you are most likely to give up trying to win the battle.

One of my closest friends told me how much they wanted to die,  how ****** life had become and how much they are now used to feeling this way, and it felt the way it sounds when glass breaks to hear them say that.

Language is powerful, it evokes emotion in just a few sentences, words, letters, and I've decide the most heart breaking three words are
"I’m already broken."

I believe that no matter how messed up you may be you are never broken, just sprained, just twisted, that the pain of breaking a bone and the pain of a broken mind are different but the same because both can get better. But when someone is in so much pain they are convinced they finally broke, finally shattered, when they think there are too many piece to  ever be whole again, you know they are in deep. And you know that this could be the day they stop trying to piece themselves back together.


Language is powerful, it evokes emotion in just a few sentences, words, letters, and I've decided the most heartbreaking 2 words are "the end"

I've never been very good at ending things.

I have a notebook full of unfinished poems, just a beginning, middle, and no end.

So when someone reaches the end of their story, or when they decide to close the book, when someone decides their story isn't worth seeing it through to the real end, that is when the heart stops pumping life and starts pumping poison through their veins. When the lungs lose the ability to inhale anything but seconds hand smoke. When the mind stops thing of life and starts thinking only of death.

Language is powerful, it evokes emotion in just a few sentences, words, letters, and I've decided the most devastating  word is goodbye.