This morning I found your note, the one that reads:

"I just want to curl up in some dark place
where no one can ever find me so I can
drown in crystalized sadness and crimson
painted secrets. That way I don't worry anyone
when a stranger walks into the hotel bathroom
to see that scene asking questions I'm not leaving
the answers to. Don't worry, I'll keep my promise
and love you until the ends of time and even after
Death himself dies, but this is just another one of
those things people just have to do. "

I'm not going to lie, that does sound like a good plan right now.

For Alice (Who used to be me)

I have believed in fairy tales
Once I walked in worlds of rosy hue
I lived in Wonderland and Counterpane
dreaming dreams I knew would all come true

Morning turns to noon day to evening all too soon
Oz can turn to ashes in just a day
Princes return as frogs to their lily pads
Wonderlands Alice is a matron growing grey

No one comes to kiss the princess as she sleeps,
Knights in shining armor ride no more.
Tinker bell is dying with no one to believe.
The Mad Hatter is laughing at the door.

The dragon is not slain but lives in glory
Roxanne always marries Christian after all
Cinderella sits forever midst the ashes
Too late for Alice the door is much to small

The Emerald City's walls are bottle glass
And reality has crushed them neath its heel
The yellow brick road leads nowhere very quickly
And Alice knows that lonely is the only thing she'll feel

oh! let alice return to Wonderland again,
Away from the mud and slime outside the looking glass.
Life is much to large without that tiny door,
And she would seek the March Hares party where time will never pass.

It's always been strange for me
when the car in front of mine slows,
blinker on in the middle of an otherwise still street,
And I watch it turn off into a driveway

I am overcome by a rush of nostalgia
as I realize that, for that one car, for those people,
the house connected to that driveway, that I haven't even taken the time to look at,
To them, that house is home.

Spasms of pain controlled by the brain.
Hitting the ground without a sound.
Itching to see if you'll hear my plea.
Trusting the dark to leave its blue mark.

When the lights stop spinning --
Will the lights stop spinning?
This is the crash,
This is the fall,
I'm the water coming back down
Return from orbit and
Breaking old ******* bones
How's that for home?
When the lights stop spinning --
And they will stop spinning.
Gift of immortality in abstract.
No God, no blessing to grant.
Touchdown from orbit,
******* asteroid.
I am the master/pilot,
My body to destroy

Stranger to myself
I wander through the maze of my thoughts
Star gazing upon a Milky Way of past promises and torn trust
Dreams scattered and lost upon winter's wistful winds.
And do you realize you are the best part of my mind?
A light warming the inner crevices and cavities of old sorrows, sore and exhausted from chewing away the years.
A heart to hold onto when mine is crawling away in agony,
Bursting at its seams, it groans
Too full of the world to be inside me.
Guide me when my eyes have turned inward to search for my wandering heart
It's in my stomach,
Pounding and wriggling, a mountain of worms eating my organs, swarming out my ears, too many to be contained.
Carry me when my legs complain that my heart is too heavy and go on strike,
They fold together quietly like the blanket at the end of my childhood bed.
Lend me your mouth when my body succumbs and refuses to get up.
Kiss me until you blow my heart to smithereens,
Kiss me until the worms come out in admiration to watch our lips writhe and twist,
Kiss me till my heart jumps back together and clambers back into my chest,
Kiss me till my eyes return, till I lift my weary head and collapse into your love for me.
Remind me of the flowers last spring.
The wildflowers after our cold dark winter.
Kiss my forehead and teach my legs to wrap around your hips again and again till we pound away the past
And my heart rejoices at being given a new perspective.
Remind my hands how to caress your cheeks,  
My fingers are numb and frightened of hurting you
But they long to catch hold of your smile and hold onto its warmth forever.
You know me for what I am,
But I am a stranger to myself.
My body is searching for its parts, taking inventory of its functions.
And my mind is missing,
I lost it amidst a most busy crowd of no one.
I haven't found it since.
And do you know that you were the best part of my mind?

I recognize the girl's yellow dress and red shoes, she crosses her ankles and nods to the black iron chair across from her
So I sit, at a cafe table in the middle of nowhere, the only sound the whipping of wind over the dusty plain
She frowns, ***** blonde curls shifting uneasily

You have to stop trying to **** me she pleads

And I protest
That I have never hurt anyone
But it is no use because she is gone as quick as she came and I am back in my bedroom and she did not state it as a question anyway

And it is true, I finally understand
I am what she says
For when has my life not revolved around her death?
Starving her into weightlessness
Slapping masks on her face, be perfect, I said and in no way let being perfect for herself be enough
Even as a little girl, I knew how hard it was to exist for yourself
And now here I am, fantasizing her suicide
A murderer thousands of times over in thoughts
For it has always, always been about erasing her from this place

Why have you never loved me?
She whispers from inside my heart

I never realized, I try to tell her
My mouth choking over words I don't have to say out loud
For there is no one else in the room
I never realized I didn't love you, I tell the girl
And I recognize her, from pictures, from the mirror

I tell myself,
I will try to make room for you here

And the sun rises, and the watercolors break to dazzle the trees with their array, and she and I, me and I, we dance through the darkness in our yellow dresses and red heels as if we know the way, as if, for the first time,
We believe we are enough

And I put my knifes away.