i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

Everything is changing
But it all stays the same
I am broken and I am lonely
There's no one else to blame
The skies above our city are gray
And I don't want to stay
I dream to pack our bags
And grab your hand
Get in a car (a bus)(a train)
So we can see the land
But we can't
We just sit and wait
For a better day
For a better year
For more heart
And no fear
For our mothers to stop
Making our choices for us
Pushing their cowardice
and judgments
But I promise
One day that will change
One day we'll climb the mountaintop
And feel the grass beneath our feet
No one to tell us to stop
Or that we're in too deep
One day we'll fly above the clouds
And dream with our eyes open
Speak of those dreams aloud
Know that they will happen
One day we'll run with the waves
And sing with the wind
Because our hearts are the braves
They face life with a grin
This trap that we're in
The world where we live
It's not for us
But you put your arms around me
And everything slows
The clock is ticking
But time has stopped
No matter how much passes
It's not enough
When you're by my side
So I guess I can stay
I can keep fighting
For one more day.

I conceive you with closed eyes.

your existence is not defined by the armor you wear
nor its dents and scratches
you are more than your limits and shortcomings
you are the first ray of sunshine
after a stormy spring
you are a cold gauze
on a skin filled with burns
you are the song I hear for the first time
and yet I've known it my whole life
you are every color in the spectrum
for someone who has only known black

when I imagine my future life
perhaps I don't see you next to me
but I feel you;
I know you're there
you are the only one who belongs there
and with time I realize -
that's all that matters.